The holidays are over and, with that, so is the massive shopping frenzy that attacked the malls across America. So, you’ve got a few crappy things for Christmas that need exchanging, and in your bestest and cheeriest of moods, you head to the mall to brave the return lines during what should be your lunch hour … which turns into two hours, since it took 45 minutes to find a parking space, 30 minutes to wait for the old hag at the head of the line to sift through purse lint to find a nickel, and … but lo! What’s this? An American Idol backdrop, right here in the mall! Move over Santa — there’s a new, more idiotic photo op in town!

Oh, I wish I were kidding. Starting today, malls across the country will be sporting the backdrops pictured above, where crazed lunatics fans can stand in front of the American Idol logo, and shadows that look nothing like them, in order to get a picture taken for … well hell, I have no idea why. I especially love that they tell you where to stand. Simon judging your lame performance not included.

Here are seven show backdrops I’d rather be caught standing in front of than American Idol:

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AMC

5:00p/4:00 Central

• The CW starts off their long farmed out Sunday night with a 4Real repeat featuring Casey Affleck. That’s followed by a new 4Real features Mos Def visiting the City of God outside Rio de Janeiro.

6:00p/5:00 Central

• Stick with The CW for a repeat performance of the series premiere of Valentine. See, apparently everybody missed it the first time around. Are you going to miss it again? It’s okay, so am I.

7:00p/6:00 Central

• CBS’s 60 Minutes explores credit default swaps, T. Boone Pickens mission to reduce our dependency on foreign oil, Greg Carr’s mission to bring more tourism to the poorest parts of Africa.
• NBC offers up Football Night in America, recapping last week’s action but won’t have NLF Sunday Night Football tonight due to the World Series. If that depresses you, you can always tune into ABC’s America’s Funniest Home Videos. Apparently shots to the crotch are still funny.
• On The CW, a new In Harm’s Way looks at land mine clearance. Talk about a tough job, you can’t pay me enough to walk a minefield looking for mines … What’s that? Oh they don’t– Oh. Technology. Yeah, that would work better.

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HBO

5:00p/4:00 Central

• At 5:30p/4:30 Central The CW kicks off its new Sunday night lineup with a new 4Real, featuring Eva Mendes visiting Vancouver to take a look at its problems with homelessness and addiction.

7:00p/6:00 Central

• 60 Minutes on CBS takes a look at what may be the world’s oldest family business, the battle of Sadr City, and the man who infiltrated the Gambino family reveals his identity for the first time.
• The CW’s In Harm’s Way examines those people who risk their lives to capture live animals. I think they mean more than chihuahuas, though those little bitches can be mean!
• The NFL on NBC kicks off with Football Night in America, while ABC brings you videos of guys getting their arms caught in power windows and getting pooped on by birds.
• But oh my God, that’s not nearly as dramatic as the first season finale of My Super Sweet 16: Exiled on MTV. I mean, those girls really know what suffering and danger is. Sometimes … sometimes they don’t get the exact model sports car they wanted. You know how (*gasp*) hard that is!

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