Dear Network Suits,

Did you ever see Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels? Go with me here. There’s a scene where a bunch of the bad guys are locked in a security cage, and being shot from the rafters. The leader, finally fed up with the situation, bellows out, “Could everyone stop getting shot?!” It’s a great line, and that’s kind of how I feel when I hear yet another network tagging a promo with “produced by Ashton Kutcher.” Could everyone stop ordering these crappy shows?

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We

8:00p/7:00 Central

• The ALCS Game 4 gets under way on TBS with Tampa Bay now on a roll and in control, up two games to one. But if baseball’s not your thing, maybe you’d rather watch the contestants of NBC’s The Biggest Loser face the longest challenge in show history, from sunup to sundown. For other competition fare, ABC’s Opportunity Knocks visits “The Long Island Brady Bunch,” a brood with nine children.
• Scripted options include a new Lincoln Heights on ABC Family wherein the family reels after a shooting. You can follow that up with BBC America’s Gavin & Stacey at 8:40p/7:40 Central in which the couple returns from their honeymoon and Nessa’s secret is finally revealed. Yeah, I said this was on last week, but BBC America bumped the schedule a week so it’s on tonight instead.
• Gibbs learns more about his past on CBS’s NCIS as a murder case leads to the town he grew up in. Ralph Waite guests as his father. Meanwhile, over on FOX’s House, the titular doctor’s father dies and as he reluctantly goes to the funeral we learn how he and Wilson first met. Oh, and someone almost dies and is saved at the last second.

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MTV

8:00p/7:00 Central

• The Laut Family competes for a cruise and tickets to a Hannah Montana concert on the second isntallment of the traveling game show Opportunity Knocks on ABC. MyNetwork TV’s Street Patrol tackles people who scalped Hannah Montana tickets … okay, I made that last one up. It’s just more idiots trying to dodge the law.
• The weight loss competition continues over on NBC’s feel good The Biggest Loser, while the feel-good family drama of ABC Family’s Lincoln Heights continues it’s ten episode run. And the whirlwind romance of Gavin & Stacey on BBC America leads them to the altar tonight in the first “series” finale. “Series” two starts next week.
• Brenda and Kelly continue their limited run on 90210, as Annie and Adrianna get an opportunity to work on an indie film while Debbie prepares to shoot a fashion show on The CW.
• On CBS’s NCIS, a navy lieutenant’s suicide may have larger implications and connections. Also digging up more dirt, only this time on his own team, is House on FOX’s megahit. And the case of the week involves how drugs have distorted an artist’s vision. Where was Dr. House when Dali was painting?

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CBS

ABC’s “National Stay at Home Week” continues tonight as they offer up the series premieres of Opportunity Knocks and the continuing series premiere of Dancing with the Stars. CBS offers up season premieres of oldies favorites NCIS and Without a Trace sandwiched around new show The Mentalist. Now I know this is going to be hard to believe considering we’re talking about CBS, but The Mentalist is a new crime procedural show. It’s nice to see the Eye breaking new and innovative ground with their programming!

3:00a/2:00 Central

• Remember when Charlie Jade was on during prime time? Yeah, that didn’t last. This bizarre sci-fi series from the other side of the world was apparently just too odd to connect with American viewers. Still, it’s odd that Sci Fi put it on in the middle of the night rather than just drop it altogether.

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