I’ve been thinking about creating a Survivor-type reality show where we put all the stupid celebrities into a big balloon and send it into the stratosphere. Then they’d have to do in-air challenges, and the loser gets tossed over.

I realize there’s no way we could get them all into one balloon unless it was the size of North America, but just work with me. We could even get the helium industry on as a sponsor. Here’s a few people I’d push into the balloon myself:

Jon Gosselin. Let’s face it: he’s a loser who’s into the whole fame and fortune thing, and has lost sight of reality. At first I thought he couldn’t speak without having his attorney duct-taped to his side — like when he was on Larry King — but then he actually did start speaking on his own, and he definitely needs the attorney there.

Octomom. Because she has a crush on Jon Gosselin. And just because.

Read the rest of this entry »

Highlights of the Week

• Woah, man, like let’s get totally stoned tonight and watch Woodstock: Then & Now. Ever seen a burned out hippie? I have. It’s not pretty. (Mon. 8pm, History)
• The first season of Merlin wraps with a two-hour block starting at 7pm. While it’s been picked up for a second run in native Britain, there’s no word on whether NBC will go again with it. (Sun.)
• I can take him. And while I don’t think we’re going to see Shaq vs. Jason Hughes anytime soon, the series does premiere with the basketball behemoth taking on Ben Roethlisberger. The kick is that Shaq takes them on in their sport, not his. (Tue. 9pm, ABC)
• It’s Invitation Only with Reba McEntire, but don’t worry, CMT has yours so you can check it out. (Fri. 9pm)
• I’ll call this a lowlight of the week … so of course it’s on FOX. Hopefully, they’ll show her for the disaster she is. That’s right, it’s Octomom: The Incredible Unseen Footage. (Wed. 8pm, FOX)
• Project Runway flexes its muscles on its new home, Lifetime, with a two hour “All Star Challenge” special. That’s followed by the season premiere, so you get three hours for the price of one! (Thu. 8pm)
• But it’s still not over. Lifetime is so stoked, they’re debuting Models of the Runway, which follows the models of Project Runway as they try and make it in the world of high fashion. (Thu. 11pm)

Read the rest of this entry »

Round and round and round she goes, but where Paula will land, nobody knows. Maybe she can be a zombie on AMC’s forthcoming series.

• The best news ever of the week was that AMC is working on a television adaptation of The Walking Dead. The ongoing comic series is far and away the most compelling “zombie apocalypse saga” I’ve ever seen.
• TNT announced that Saving Grace would wrap with a nine episode run in 2010, because they’re too cheap to produce a full fourth season for the monster hit.
• Comedy Central, on the other hand, yanked Reno 911 after the fact, meaning it’s done and gone.
• The Apprentice’s Omarosa is going to be a minister, and somewhere suddenly cold, Satan is chalking up another win for the home team.
• In a sign that we’ve let this reality TV crap go way too far, Kim’s sister Kourtney Kardashian’s surprise pregnancy is scandalous news.
• Paula Abdul might work on Dancing With the Stars, Ugly Betty, So You Think You Can Dance, something in Australia, a local Wendy’s, or any number of jobs. She’s keeping her options open.
• Meanwhile, Victoria Beckham helped out on American Idol during early audition rounds, and may be lobbying to join the show permanently. And with all that money they saved by not rehiring Abdul, FOX re-upped Simon Cowell for three more years.
• Apparently, the networks are burning through their ’80s and ’90s DVD collections, as now they’ve greenlit a series based on St. Elmo’s Fire. Goonies, anyone?
• Speaking of ’80s and ’90s — toy-themed cartoons proved a hit at the box office again, as G.I. Joe took the top spot at the box office, meaning that I might get my Sectaurs revival sooner than I thought … maybe?
• I refuse to mention a single thing that happened to anyone involved with the Gosselins. But if that saga isn’t train-wreck enough for you, FOX is giving airtime to Octomom.
• HOLY CRAP! STEWIE IS GAY?!?
• Oh, and now the Emmys will be live. All of it. So you’ll have to add six hours to the end of your DVR scheduled recording of it … you know, just in case.
• We get a sneak preview of the future career of Hannah Montana as little Miley Cyrus danced on a stripper pole at the Teen Choice Awards.

Hey did you get outside and enjoy this beautiful weather this week? Don’t worry if you did, we’ got your back. Here’s some of what went down in the world of television:

• The TCA (Television Critics Association) Awards nominees were announced, with NBC and The Shield leading the pack. But I still want BSG to take home “Program of the Year.” Winners to be announced Aug. 1.
• Susan Boyle didn’t win Britain’s Got Talent, which of course has lead to some controversy about the voting on that show as well, and a clinic stay for Boyle.
• Conan O’Brien debuted on Monday as the new host of The Tonight Show with huge ratings, in what some are unhappily saying is a subdued iteration of himself.
• We spent way too much time talking about Sacha Baron Cohen’s “Bruno” character landing ass-bare on Eminem’s face at the MTV Movie Awards.
• Tell your children not to worry, Miley Cyrus has signed on for a fourth season of Hannah Montana, which will feature her and her father moving out of the beach house.
• Octomom Nadya Suleman is going to film a reality show, but has no networks to air it in the US.
• Actor David Carradine dies, and his death may be more colorful than his career was; I’m sure some sleazy network is looking for the rights.
• Prison Break’s “T-Bag,” Robert Knepper is cast in Heroes, where he’ll play a sleazy villain … that’s a stretch. But still great casting!
• Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag contiue to annoy everyone on and off the set of I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here!

Kind of makes me want to take my television outside and just throw it in the garbage… except that I just got a 52″ plasma and video games and Blu-Rays look amazing on it!