Douchebaggery, public temper tantrums, and other reasons to put baby in a corner
Nation, at this tumultuous time in history, ask not what you can do for your country, but ask where the hell are your manners, young man?
Look, I can be a totally rude person, even for the extraordinarily low standards set for my generation. I burp. I fart. I praise other people for burping and farting in my presence. (This makes me very popular with children.) I have no issues with bluntly discussing any and every function my body or any body does (hemorrhoids? Bring those puppies on), or various orifices and the things people do with them in almost any company.
But I do have standards. I say please and thank you to everyone. I hold the door. I say “bless you” to strangers in public locations and “excuse me” if I bump into them. Most importantly, I do not interrupt people when they’re speaking, especially in an extremely rude manner. And if I do, because such things do happen by accident, I apologize.
So why doesn’t anyone else?
Quotation Marks – America, America, America
This week’s quotes are all about America. There’s Jesus, Carrie Underwood, pioneers, and the president. No matter what you were watching this week, it seemed as though the conversation eventually turned back to this great land of ours.
Just a warning before you proceed: the White House Correspondents’ Dinner was this week, so we have some quotes from that. This isn’t about politics; it’s something that was on television that had people opening their mouths and saying funny words. If it’s going to bother you, or if reading it is going to make it impossible for you to refrain from making a snide comment about politics, this site, or the writers herein, don’t read it. Today is my first Mother’s Day, and I am NOT IN THE MOOD.
Aside from that, if you have your own favorite quotes from the week, feel free to add them below!
Gossip Girl
Georgina: “I gave up my old ways when I let Jesus take the wheel.”
Blair: “That is a Carrie Underwood song, not a life choice.”
Obama’s press conference? Enchanting, though not surprising.
I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned this, but I am the child of a bunch of socialist hippies. That’s right, my family is exactly who Rush Limbaugh warns you against. We’re those crazy weirdos who support things like gay marriage (can I get a shout-out from my Boston gays?), universal health care, and marijuana legalization. If we had our way, our country would have been Sweden about two decades ago, everything would be organic and free-trade, and everyone would join hands and sing Kumbaya around a campfire made from sticks that volunteered to be burnt. We’re really sorry about making America godless the way the founding fathers intended, but that’s sort of what we do on the weekends in between tending the arugala we grow in our pesticide-free garden. (Sidebar — that is the only non-facetious thing I’ve said so far. My dad just really likes gardening and arugala.)
So, as you can imagine, everyone in my house is pretty fond of Obama. That fondness, however, does not extend far enough to watch his press conferences for anyone in my household but me. But I love President Obama. I simply adore him. I would watch the man mow the lawn or discuss an ingrown toenail all day long. I would quit CliqueClack in a hot second (sorry guys!) if I thought the White House would take me up on my offer to be Executive Cookie Baker and Dog Walker In Chief. I would give all my limbs if Michelle Obama wanted to go clothes shopping with me so my remaining torso would look fabulous. But let’s be honest — Obama’s press conferences? They’re kind of boring. Read the rest of this entry »
Things that didn’t suck last week
I recently moved to a different state on really short notice, so I’ve fallen severely behind on my TV watching. Up was down, down was up, and this week was the first week I was really able to get back into my normal viewing schedule. Luckily for me, there was a lot going on this week that was kind of great. Even Heroes, which usually drives me crazy, was pretty cool this week. It’s like television was folding me back into its welcoming bosom. Thanks, TV!
“The enemy has a face, Parkman: it’s you.” — Matt Parkman gets a bomb strapped to his chest on Heroes
Even though the whole “Heroes as Terrorists” storyline makes me think of 24 about three seasons ago, it’s yielded some fun stuff. Case in point: Claire’s mom got to be a badass this episode, and the last five minutes were awesome. Not only did creepy David H. Lawrence show up again, but Matt got a freakin’ bomb strapped to his chest in front of the Capitol Building. Less time travel; more bombs strapped to peoples chests. Now that’s a recipe for success. I’m glad Heroes finally gets that.
Daily Show/Colbert Report – John Oliver makes out with DC, Gitmo visits Jon, Stephen dances
(Week of January 19, 2008)
Hey, kids! It’s time for a quick round-up of highlights from this week’s episodes of The Daily Show and The Colbert Report. Barack Obama was sworn in as president on Tuesday, so it was no surprise that the entire week’s hot topic was the Inauguration. TDS did a live show, but not too much super-special came from it. I did, however, greatly enjoy the following day’s John Oliver report form the Mall, in which he touched upon subjects like the n-word and making out with various men and women slowly freezing to death.
Daily Show/Colbert Report – Week of Oct. 27, 2008
Comedy Central
Hey, kids! It’s time for a quick round-up of highlights from this week’s episodes of The Daily Show and The Colbert Report. For the love of all things good and holy, is the election over yet? It’s super-close, but it still feels so far away. Remember that Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert will be hosting an hour-long spectacular live on election night, starting at 10 PM. I bet that regardless of what happens, at least one of them will be crying at the end of the night. And by “one of them,” I’m referring to myself.
Barack Obama: American Stories – Pilot
FOX
(Season 1, Episode 1 – Series Premiere)
I tuned into FOX tonight to see the conclusion of the World Series game five, which had been pre-empted because of the weather a couple of day ago. Little did I know FOX was going to use the extra time available before the game started to launch a new series. I consider myself someone who’s pretty up-to-date on the television landscape, but I had no idea FOX had such an unusual pilot even in the pipelines.
In all honesty, I’m not even sure what kind of show this is trying to be. You’d think with a half-hour slot it would be a comedy, which is what I was expecting, but it wasn’t particularly funny. When the narrator, a good-looking black fellow named Barack Obama, started talking directly to the camera and breaking the fourth wall I thought we might be looking at a new generation of The Bernie Mac Show. Instead, I get the feeling this new show isn’t quite sure what it wants to be.
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