“I was purring! It felt amazing!” — Lady hippies have orgasms while giving birth on 20/20.

Okay boys and girls, let’s sit down and have a conversation about something. I’ve already talked about my immense dislike of potheads, but that’s really only a subset of my greater enemy: dirty hippies. I started my post-holiday TV viewing with possibly the greatest episode of 20/20 in the history of the world. Between the women who raise dolls as real children, women who breastfeed their kids until puberty and the aforementioned dirty hippies who have orgasmic births in hot tubs, it was chock-full of trainwrecky goodness. Check out the orgasmic birth clip after the jump: after watching these people have their “perfect” outdoor childbirths, I am only more thankful for my clean, sterile hospital filled with trained medical staff. Thanks, NYU Medical Center! You didn’t give me an orgasm, but I am more than okay with that. It would have made the morning after really weird.

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From the neon lights of Biscayne Boulevard to the feral swamps of the Everglades, the mid-1980s belonged to Miami Vice. Debuting in 1984 — on NBC at 10pm — the series not only altered cop shows, it influenced all of television by bringing a movie-like look and feel to the small screen.

By setting and shooting the series in Miami, executive producer Michael Mann introduced America to a city vastly different from the sleepy retirement communities most associated with the sunshine state. Mann’s Miami was fast, modern, baroque and dark. The city was more than just a location, it was another character; a breathing backdrop to a series that reflected the glitz and glam of the ’80s.

Grab your shades and shorts and hop aboard the flashback train. We’re takin’ a trip to the 3-0-5, where gorgeous women, tanned bodies, cutting-edge sports cars and super-stealthy speedboats are the norm. Welcome to the world of Miami Vice.

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Spotlight Show of the Night

Heroes (NBC, 9:00 p.m./8:00 p.m. Central, Fall Finale) – Tonight, it all comes down to this in the final chapter (I believe) of “Villains.” Arthur Petrelli may be dead, but you know how well death sticks on this show. Nevertheless, this chapter of Heroes comes to a close tonight and we set the stage for the next. The show has really come together stronger these past few weeks. Tonight’s blurb says that the Petrelli brothers face off and Nathan makes a move with global implications.

Beginnings, Endings & Specials

Cat Dancers (HBO, 8:00 p.m./7:00 p.m. Central) – A 90-minute special looking at the sole survivor of an exotic-cat act recalls his days with the troupe, the challenges of training wild animals and the bond the three performers had, which was romantic all the way around, before a white bengal tiger tore it all apart.

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8:00p/7:00 Central

• Programming is hard, and especially around the holiday season. So NBC, who has more trouble than usual of late with quality programming, has put together a series of specials spotlighting the best holiday moments in various categories. The specials will run through Christmas and start tonight with Greatest Holiday Moments: TV & Film Countdown. These are to be followed by: Songs of the Season, TV’s Merriest Christmas Moments, TV’s All Timem Christmas Songs and a ‘Hilarious Home Video Countdown.’ That’s setting a pretty high expectation putting ‘Hilarious’ right there in the title. There’s a reason Rosie’s Variety Show didn’t say Rosie’s Hilarious Variety Show. False advertising is a serious crime.
• Cartoon Network has a new Batman: The Brave and the Bold, featuring Aquaman, followed by a jellyfish attack on The Secret Saturdays. They also don’t give episode details on their site. MyNetwork TV is riding the ongoing success of WWE SmackDown! to an unprecedented ratings victory over The CW last week.
• FOX still wants to know Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?, while Melinda tracks down a girl who’s been missing for 12 years on CBS’s Ghost Whisperer. National Geographic counters with the Dog Whisperer in case GW fans are easily confused.
• ABC has the live-action Dr. Seuss’ How the Grinch Stole Christmas, while The CW brings you Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer. Nickelodeon has Merry Christmas, Drake & Josh! reuniting the entire cast for this holiday special.

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Animal Planet

8:00p/7:00 Central

• While FOX still wants to know Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?, NBC just wants to know if it’s a Deal or No Deal.
• TLC offers up another Real Simple. Real Life. helping real women with their … real lives. Yeah, I guess that was kind of obvious. So do I have to explain what ABC’s Wife Swap is about? Do people think it’s a show about swingers? Ha! Even the official description of the series makes sure to clarify this: “The wives exchanges husbands, children and lives (but not bedrooms) to discover just what it’s like to live in another woman’s shoes.” That, my friends, is hilarious!
• MyNetwork TV doesn’t have to explain that WWE SmackDown doesn’t have men smacking their women down. Even though, I think that has happened on occasion actually.
• When a kid’s make-believe friend causes havoc, Melinda has to play a game of hide-and-seek on Ghost Whisperer. Also, does death come knocking? You know it would be sometime this month (sweeps!) if it’s gonna happen.
• The CW offers Everybody Hates Chris, with Chris trying to break up Doc’s relationship, followed by The Game, with Kelly and Jason both trying to move on. Meanwhile, Discovery is relocating Toughest Race on Earth: Iditarod to face all this competition. Tonight, Eskimo Nelson considers dropping out of the race while the Busers make a move to help Martin secure another win.

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Sci Fi

7:00p/6:00 Central

• SciFi is pre-empting their entire lineup tonight to bring a special 7-hour live edition of Ghost Hunters. You can even follow along live online, and even alert the team to anything you might see on the official website.

8:00p/7:00 Central

• The team of TLC’s Real Simple. Real Life. help a woman reclaim her home from her new baby. Or you can just watch guys hitting each other on MyNetwork TV’s WWE SmackDown!
• ABC’s Wife Swap switches up a Rastafarian mother with a hard working mom who believes in strict discipline. Also swapping this week, apparently, is the ghost of a high school athlete who’s haunting a family other than her own on CBS’s Ghost Whisperer. Maybe she died during a filming of Wife Swap.
• Chris starts helping the football team with their homework while Julius takes another job on Everybody Hates Chris on The CW. Then, on The Game, Penny Marshall guests as Rick Fox’s mother.
• In game shows you have to choose between a new Deal or No Deal on NBC or a new Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? on FOX.

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SciFi

8:00p/7:00 Central

• Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? I ask this assuming you’re beyond the fifth grade. Actually, FOX wants to know. Enough of us are watching this show; I wonder how we’re stacking up to the kids?
• Or is NBC’s Deal or No Deal more your style? That don’t need you to know nuthin’! On ABC’s Wife Swap, take a Louisiana Cajun wife who’s overrun by her wild kids and husband and swap her with a California ballerina. That’s bound to be a hoot!
• CBS’s Ghost Whisperer takes Melinda and Jim on a romantic, and of course haunted, cruise. For funnier fare, though, check out The CW’s Everybody Hates Chris. Classic sitcom hijinks as Chris tries to watch a movie instead of read the book for a class project. You know how this one ends. Then, on The Game, Kelly wants Jason to help her tell their daughter about their separation but he’ll have none of it.
• He’ll probably be watching WWE SmackDown! on MyNetwork TV instead. Does anyone know how the ratings are over there for the perennial series?
• TLC offers up another Real Simple. Real Life. Can they help Cheryl get organized? Have you figured out yet if Rita Rocks? At the half-hour, Lifetime’s five-night premiere for this new comedy wraps.

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