With The Rolling Stones being showcased in this edition of American Idol, what could possibly go wrong?  Not much, really.  But the contestants continual dumbing down of Stones’ tunes made for mostly loungey schmooze.    There were no “ya-yas” in evidence this evening, let me tell you.

Michael Lynche:  “Miss You”  What the hell was that, Michael?  Schmoozy, jazzy, smarmy gooey-ness.  Ugh.  It worked well for you last week, but this week it just didn’t come across.  Frantic, dude.  (Kara:  Shut it.)

Didi Benami:  “Play With Fire”  Didi’s signature lilt came through on this Stones tune, slow though it was.  It was adequate — that’s it.

Casey James:  “It’s All Over Now”  Choppy fuzzy guitar suited the performance.  Casey, as usual, has nothing to worry about.   (And who knew Casey’s mother was MacKenzie Phillips, Valerie Bertinelli’s sister on the old ’70s/’80s show “One Day At A Time”?)

Lacey Brown:  “Ruby Tuesday”  Lacey was coming along just fine, albeit a bit haltingly.  Then came that bridge.  Everybody waver!  Randy was right — interesting selection and performance.  (“I kinda like the drama …”  Oh, Kara.  Just shut up.)

Andrew Garcia:  “Gimme Shelter”  All of a sudden, Andrew has become completely one-dimensional.  I used to like him … but that was years ago during the audition rounds.  And that time came and went.  (Andrew:  Wouldn’t surprise me a bit if you were headed home during elimination.)

Wait, wait, wait!  It’s a Ryan Seacrest Moment:  “After this, another Stones hit coming to you from Katie Stevens.”  Really?  Are you sure?  Because I was so hoping we could break out into some Celine Dion, Ryan.

Katie Stevens:  “Wild Horses”  Forgettable … despite the fact the judges saw otherwise. I found it bland as paste.

Tim Urban:  “Under My Thumb”  White boy can’t do reggae.  No rasta, mon.

Siobhan Magnus:    “Paint It Black”  You know, Siobhan: WowZah.  This was a spiffy performance (see video below) and, in my book, you got my vote as female contestant of the week.    (“I’m having flashbacks of Adam Lambert.”  Kara?  Shut up.)

Lee DeWyze:  “Beast Of Burden”  Yep.  It felt like I was in back of this beast pushing it up a hill with it refusing to yield.  What a burden.

Paige Miles:  “Honky Tonk Woman”   Ugh.  Nothing good to say here.  (“The young Paige is back.”  Kara?  Shut it.)

Aaron Kelly:  “Angie”  Again, another WowZah performance.  The kid do’d goodly.  When I heard Stones tunes were in the mix for this episode, I wondered what could Aaron possibly pick that would suit him?  Turns out “Angie” was the ticket that fit him to a “T”.  I saw growth in that performance.  Where did that come from?

Crystal Bowersox:  “You Can’t Always Get What You Want”  Can this girl do anything wrong with a song?  It oozes out of her, makes its way right into the microphone and comes out with so much character there’s nothing to improve.  A performance is coming where she stumbles and falls … but we won’t know that until it hits us full in the face when we least expect it.

Overall — with the exception of a very few performances — everyone was bland and colorless.  Even the judges (with the exception of bubbly Randy Jackson) didn’t seem completely into the contestants.  There will be those days.

I’m going out on a limb and predict Andrew Garcia takes a hike during elimination.  His time is done.  If he remains, it will be the same old same old from the guy.

And no one wants to see that.

Related posts

• American Idol -- The soft core porn episode
• American Idol: The elephant’s back in the room -- CliqueClack Poll
• American Idol -- Where perplexing drama lives

Cold Open: Massa Exit Interview — With all the talk of this in the past week, I was near certain the cold open tonight would have to do with Massa and his tickle parties and, eh, “snorkeling” stuff. In hindsight, I guessing most people made that assumption early in the week.

Monologue: Jude Law — I’m not all that into Broadway stage, so this didn’t strike me funny really. Law was definitely comfortable up there, though.

Ford Hybrid Commercial — Funny, but too short! Then again, it could have gone on too long and then we’d say it should have quit while it was ahead.

Secret Word — The size of the package on Law’s Vladimir was hysterical. Also, for the secret word “vodka”: “If your baby is thirsty it drink this.” Or how about “steamed eggs in picked water” for your birthday?

Broadview Security — I swear I saw another skit in the past about Broadview Security, but I can’t seem to place when that was. Anyway, I particularly loved how this skit poked fun at these insane commercials of real security products, where a HUGE house is occupied by a single woman.

Welcome to Spain: Have an Adventure — Not really sure what to say about this one other than I loved Law in it, hence my photo choice above.

SNL Digital Short: A Boombox is Not a Toy — Oh you just knew I’d do the lyrics for this puppy. And here they are. But before that, who was the other guy with Samberg in this sketch singing?

Imagine in your mind a posh country club
The stuffy old money where the poor get snubbed
The spread is bland
Sourkraut and boiled goose
There’s no way these people
Will ever cut loose

Then I walk in the room
Hold my boombox high
And what happened next
Will blow your mind

Everything got out of control
The music was so entrancing
Everyone got out on the floor
It was a bunch of old white people dancing

The Big Apple, where people never dance
Spirits go down while profits expand
The cops or the dealers
Who’s got the juice?
The street vendors peddling
Their boiled goose

So many types of people
They’ll never get along
‘Til I bust out my boombox
And play this song

The music washed away all their hate
And society started advancing
The demographic was represented
It was a rainbow coalition of dancing

Whoa! Everyone was wearing fingerless gloves
Whoa! I saw a Spanish guy doing the Bartman

Transport now
To an old folks home
Where the elderly are tossed
On their brittle bones
The orderlies are stealing
There’s no excuse
Everyday for lunch they eat boiled goose

So I grab my boombox
And hit the Turbo Bass
And what happened next
Was a total disgrace

Everybody started having sex
The music was way too powerful
The old people where fucking like rabbits
It was disgusting to say the least

Oh! A boombox can change the world
You gotta know your limits with a boombox
This was a cautionary tale
A boombox is not a toy!

Musical Guest: Pearl Jam — These guys sounded decent, and pretty much the same as I remember them sounding from the ’90s, in particular Eddie Vedder. He even has the same odd looks on his face when he’s singing, sorta looking off into the sky/ceiling as he sings, his eyes nearly rolling back into his head.

Weekend Update — If any guest was ever perfectly fit for the “Really!?!” sketch, it’s Jerry Seinfeld. “Why do I get the sinking feeling that ‘Massa Massages’ were quickly followed by massabations?” Was a great addition to Weekend Update, but anytime I see Jerry on TV now — especially on NBC — it’s because he’s basically begging people to watch whatever movie or TV show he’s involved with at the time.

Twilight Zone –Hader did a great Rod Serling. The best part of this sketch was Pearl Jam appearing on the wing of the plane in the final outside scene.

Jude Law’s Audition — Some of the current SNL cast can pull off some really decent impressions. I especially get a kick out of Samberg’s Nick Cage.

Kickspit Underground Rock Festival — This is a reused sketch from last year, but it’s still funny as hell.

Elinda Nade: Court Stenographer — Elinda is a character we saw once before with Jon Hamm in January. It was funny the first time, but since we saw it already, this felt like nothing new.

Talk Show with Ravish — This was actually more depressing than funny, because I’m betting there are families out there with fathers who pressure their already excelling kids. The funniest part was probably “Jay Leno Walking with Ravish.”

Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.

Related posts

• Saturday Night Live – Zach Galifianakis/Vampire Weekend
• Saturday Night Live – Jennifer Lopez
• Saturday Night Live – Ashton Kutcher/Them Crooked Vultures

Also be sure to check out the behind-the-scenes video of Zach Galifianakis shaving his beard, just for this sketch!

Related posts

• Zach Galifianakis’s disappearing/reappearing beard mystery solved
• Saturday Night Live – Zach Galifianakis/Vampire Weekend
• Bonding, breastfeeding and mind blowing – Things That Didn’t Suck This Week

This week, to celebrate the fact that the lame-ass Olympics are done with, I’ve decided to celebrate some comedies. There were a lot of shows that made me laugh a lot and pee a little this week. From Abed’s Don Draper impression to Pam breastfeeding the wrong baby, television was pretty amazing this week.

Luke and Phil bond on Modern Family

This entire episode of Modern Family was pretty genius, but I really adore the way Phil and Luke bonded during it. Teaching my son that the treasure we find doesn’t matter, but on what we spend the money we get for it that matters instead. I want an indoor pool in my condo real bad.

Pam breastfeeding the wrong baby on The Office

This isn’t a parenting blog, so I won’t rant about what an evil bitch Pam’s nurse was on The Office (but she totally was). The entire birth/aftermath portrayal was pretty realistic, which made it even funnier. The hands-down funniest moment though, was when Pam found out she had been breastfeeding the wrong child. My jaw hit the floor, and then I laughed hysterically, mainly because she and Jim reacted in the exact same way I would have.

Abed’s Don Draper impression on Community

I’ve already talked about how brilliant this is, and how my mind was completely blown after I watched it, so I’ll just say this: Abed and Annie really should have kissed on Community. Also, as a bonus, we have Troy talking about how dope Calvin not Coolidge is.

Zach Galifianakis pops up on some NBC shows on SNL

Zach Galifianakis was arguably the best part of The Hangover, so it’s great that SNL had him host this week. Although his monologue was pretty genius, I have a special spot in my heart for Law & Order, so it was great to see Lupo and Bernard incorporated into an SNL short.

Related posts

• A boy’s club and a mess of Sopranos – Daily Rerun Roundup
• The plucked peacock
• SNL’s ‘Pageant Talk’ sketch video: it’s finally here!

As you can see from the embedded video below, during the final number from musical guest Vampire Weekend in the latest episode of SNL, Zach Galifianakis ran backstage and went about shaving all but a mustache from his face, all for one sketch. This was funny on its own, but the real kicker came when, during the goodbyes at the end of the episode, Zach appeared on stage with the rest of the cast … and the beard was back! This is “live,” right?

Behold! Wonder no longer, as NBC has provided a backstage look at what happened before, during and after the beard shaving. I only wish NBC had provided the “Pageant Talk” video on their site, but, sadly, it’s one of the only ones they don’t have up. At least you get a quick glimpse of it in this video.

NBC really should consider offering a backstage video feed during their episodes, as I always find it fascinating to see how things work. Ashton Kutcher did this a few episodes back, when he provided a feed via UStream.

Related posts

• SNL’s ‘Pageant Talk’ sketch video: it’s finally here!
• Saturday Night Live – Zach Galifianakis/Vampire Weekend
• Bonding, breastfeeding and mind blowing – Things That Didn’t Suck This Week

Cold Open: Obama Speech — They should have just opened with that amazing Funny or Die video people have been passing around for the past week. Seriously, did you see it yet? Well go see it! Why can’t freakin’ NBC put together a group like that for an episode of SNL? Anyway, what was I talking about again? Oh yeah, the cold open. Bleh.

Monologue: Zach Galifianakis — Now that was a great monologue. I haven’t seen The Hangover yet, but he’s definitely a decent stand-up comedian. Most of his comedy at the piano was very Steve Wright, and even though it’s pretty much what he does in his stand-up routine outside of SNL, it’s still funny.

Overly-affectionate Vogelcheck Funeral — We saw this once before when James Franco hosted, but man, I don’t want to see how they’d take it to the next level next time. Bill Hader on the pug … dear lord! Still so uncomfortably funny.

The Bidet — You don’t often see these things in bathrooms anywhere really, but when you do, it just looks so ominous and mysterious sitting there next to the toilet. If you have no idea what it’s used for, you can get really confused. And if you have a child who’s never seen one and he goes off to use the potty … I don’t want to think about it.

Zack Drops by the Set — At first I thought this was going to be just a bunch of green screen injections of Zach on different shows, but oh no! The 30 Rock set intrusion was the best … or was it the Law & Order one? Good sketch/short.

TODAY Show — The best part of this skit was continuing off the previous video. The last time I recall SNL doing a continuing sketch was with the closet organizer back when Jon Hamm hosted.

Musical Guest: Vampire Weekend — I like these guys and they sounded pretty good tonight. It’s crazy to see how some of these smaller bands come on stage with a complete back-up section, but it really does add to the performance when they’re on SNL, at least.

Weekend Update — I just realized that Seth Meyers doesn’t really appear in any sketches other than Weekend Update. Am I right? I can’t recall seeing him in other sketches, at least not lately. What up with that? Speaking of that….

What Up With That? — You never know who they’re going to pull out to be a “guest” for this sketch. Sometimes it’s really surprising, like when Al Gore appeared. Paul Rudd wasn’t that much of a stretch, as he’s probably buds with Zach G., but Frank Rich was a pretty out-of-nowhere addition. Still love this sketch.

The Situation Room — Has there been a rash of unchecked videos and photos appearing on CNN that I haven’t heard about? This is probably a big poke of fun at how some news agencies are picking up “news” from Twitter and Facebook as trustworthy sources. But man, these additions would certainly make The Situation Room more tolerable.

Pageant Talk — “You smell like a bunch of old stinky Bojangles sausage biscuits!” God, Zach G. sure has the male pageant queen down pat. (In hindsight, I should add the ending scene to the poll, because Zach’s beard was shaved off for this one, and then … reappeared for the ending! UPDATE: The mystery is solved!)

Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.

Related posts

• SNL’s ‘Pageant Talk’ sketch video: it’s finally here!
• Zach Galifianakis’s disappearing/reappearing beard mystery solved
• Saturday Night Live – Jude Law/Pearl Jam

Earlier today I listened in on a conference call with one James Marsters, as he will be starting a five episode stint on Caprica starting in tomorrow’s episode. Unfortunately, as is usual with these big conference calls, there’s not a whole lot of interesting stuff to reveal here from that call. He’ll be in five episodes, then there will be a hiatus, and maybe he’ll be back for more. That’s about it.

So, I’m going to do something a bit different here. See, I just finished watching the second and final season of Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles as part of some … research (those following this site might have some idea of what I’m trying to do there). I had given up on the show toward the end of the first season, but fellow writer and bro-in-law Bob Degon convinced me that the show got really, really good. And, despite the show’s horrific ratings and inevitable demise, he was right — it kicked ass.

The point where I drew comparisons between Caprica (and Battlestar Galactica) and T:TSCC was the introduction of the cyborg-ized John Henry (Garret Dillahunt). Up until this point in the show, there wasn’t much to go on with regards to the Terminator technology and what makes them tick, other than the one protecting John Connor (Thomas Dekker), Cameron (Summer Glau). Once John Henry entered the picture, though, that’s where this T-888 put Cylons to shame.

If you haven’t seen T:TSCC, John Henry is basically a previously “lobotomized” (for lack of a better word) T-888 cyborg who, without his head chip, was pretty much a lump of junk. James Ellison steals the body away to ZeiraCorp, a mysterious company who has the pre-SkyNet computer known as “The Turk.” So, without his head chip, ZeiraCorp’s techs simply plug a fat wire into the T-888’s head from Turk and, voila, he has a brain again. However, since he’s wired to the computer he can’t leave the room, and, since this is a new brain, he doesn’t have the terminating tendencies he had before, and is basically like a child learning about the world that exists beyond the room he sits in.

Throughout the Terminator franchise, both in movies and TV, we never got a true picture of what moved the technology to rid the planet of humans (though I haven’t seen the latest movie yet). Damn, these machines were angry! What led them to hate us or think we were such a threat? John Henry’s interactions with James Ellison (Richard T. Jones), and sometimes with little Savannah Weaver, are what really get the ball rolling, with some fantastic, philosophical machine-to-man conversations.

Take this one from the episode “Adam Raised a Cain”:

John Henry: The human brain is an amazing computer. Its raw clock speed is 20 billion calculations per second. Its storage is functionally infinite. But it’s flawed.
James Ellison: How’s that?
John Henry: There’s no way to download it when you die.
James Ellison: Not exactly, no.
John Henry: Your Bible solves this problem by introducing a concept of Heaven.
James Ellison: Yes.
John Henry: Billions of souls with no bodies.
James Ellison: Okay.
John Henry: [Gesturing towards his server farm] Yet all this required simply to process the unique entity you call John Henry.
James Ellison: Yes.
John Henry: It’s possible the Heaven has a hardware problem.
James Ellison: It’s not that simple.
John Henry: I need to know what my brother is thinking, Mr. Ellison. I need to know what he plans to do. I don’t want to die again.

“Billions of souls with no bodies.” A chilling hint toward the ultimate outcome of SkyNet — it’s much easier to fix the “hardware problem” of no body for a computer than it is to put a bodiless, human soul in one.

It could be argued that the whole notion of downloading upon death came from BSG, though science fiction cultists will tell you that this idea came well before either series, in book form. And here’s another, from “Earthlings Welcome Here”:

James Ellison: Human beings aren’t like chess pieces. It matters if we live or die.
John Henry: Why does it matter? All humans die eventually.
James Ellison: Yes, that’s true. But our lives are … are sacred. Do you know what ’sacred’ means?
John Henry: Holy. Worthy of respect. Venerable.
James Ellison: Do you know why human life is sacred?
John Henry: Because so few humans are alive compared to the number that are dead?
James Ellison: No. Because we’re God’s creation. God made everything — the stars, the earth, everything on this planet. We are all God’s children.
John Henry: Am I God’s child?
James Ellison: That’s one of the things we’re here to talk about.

Short scenes, but man did it make me want to see more. This was the kind of philosophical banter I would have liked to have heard on BSG, and even better that it’s rather simplistic in its delivery … who wants to try to figure out what the frak people are saying at 10 PM on a Friday night?

Caprica is still young, so as long as it’s given the chance to do so, it has time to dive into those questions of God(s) and who deserves to live, die, and live again. It’s just a shame T:TSCC wasn’t given a chance beyond the two seasons it was given, because I really wanted to see more. Thanks for letting me rant a bit about that here. Now I’ll end with a great scene from one of the last episodes of the series:

Related posts

• Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles -- Sarah chases down her three dots
• Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles -- Sarah and Derek protect an important family
• Terminator has quietly become one of the best shows on TV

Hey … let’s just do some straightforward critiquing, shall we? (I know, I know. I’m fooling myself.)

Crystal Bowersox: She does CCR well. She’s the one to beat with her soulfulness and confidence and straightforwardness. It doesn’t appear there is anyone else who comes close. (Video below)

Haeley Vaughn: Who would’ve thought a Miley Cyrus song could conquer an Idol contender? Not me, that’s for sure. But it certainly was that for Ms. Vaughn. A bubblegum piece that got stuck to the bottom of her shoe.

Lacey Brown: She took Kara’s advice and did “Kiss Me” by Sixpence None The Richer. Did it fit her as Kara and Lacey thought it might? Yup. However, what came out was the unevenness of her stage presence. And, while it seemed a good fit for her initially, it was shaky, shaky, shaky, and didn’t do her any favors.

Katie Stevens: She did Corinne Bailey Rae’s “Put Your Records On.” It was nice, smooth, and creamy, just like a good yogurt. But her performance was “Plain Jane” tasting. Katie ain’t got no pizazz. Period. And good gordness! Kara said something intelligent in her critique: “There are certain songs that just are great songs on the radio, but when you perform them there’s not enough that you can do with them to have that impact that you need to have….” Bullseye, Kara. I didn’t think you had it in you! Thanks for removing the sandpaper from your mouth, if only for an evening.

Didi Benami: “Lean On Me” by Bill Withers. I like Didi. I especially like the lilt in her voice. It’s reminiscent of Katharine Whalen of Squirrel Nut Zippers. But her performance — much as I enjoyed it — didn’t wow anyone, obviously. Regardless, I stand by my liking her.

Michelle Delamor: Creed’s “With Arms Wide Open,” committed with exceeding breathy-ness. That … and it was “pitch-tastic.” She could have slayed it, but she stumbled in my opinion. And man, is it ever hard to concentrate with a dress spilling all over the place when the camera pulls back. Get her to take off the gloves and give the girl an iron. Was she biker stylin’? Or was she early for the Oscars? I’m so confused….

Lilly Scott: I think Lilly’s (over)use of throat spray is affecting her singing. Really. And it’s not for the better. She’s been taking “emoting lessons” from some of the boys. Her performance of “Change Is Gonna Come” wasn’t soul. It was sole … as in the bottom of her shoe. Reaction — an onomatopoeic “gag.”  Yup. I know. I’m in complete and total opposition with each and every judge regarding Lilly this week.

Katelyn Epperly: “The Scientist” by Coldplay. Her first time playing an instrument on Idol worked okay in my estimation. While I enjoyed her interpretation (a bit slow, however), it still wasn’t enough to convince me chicks with tattoos can win Idol. I laughed my butt silly at DeGeneres’ “I liked that you played guitar” … when she didn’t. (Uh, Ellen? Idol’s a tough job.  But remember … you’re on a huge show and you need to keep yourself awake, even when you don’t want to. Suggestion — replace your Coca Cola cup contents with a Monster or a Red Bull.)

Paige Miles: “Walkaway” by Kelly Clarkson. Ouch. This … was … one … hot … mess. Screechy. Screamy. Convoluted. Stagey. Paige was the first contestant this particular evening I thought might be going home come elimination time.

Siobhan Magnus: Aretha’s “Think.” I’d have rather had four fried chickens. And a Coke. Maybe some dry white toast. McUgh.  Hated it.

The “Alex Lambert Factor.” Really? There’s an “Alex Lambert Factor,” Kara? Mind explaining that to me?

Related posts

• American Idol – Where perplexing drama lives
• I want to punch American Idol judge Ellen DeGeneres in the neck
• American Idol – Maybe Ellen DeGeneres should grow bangs, too

Once again, we get a guest host who appears in nearly every skit, including both musical numbers. The only bit that made this episode memorable was the cold open. Other than that, even the Weekend Update was meh. Not awful, but not great.

Cold Open: We Are The World 3 — I really, really wanted to get the lyrics for this, but after 30 minutes of trying to figure out what the hell some of them were saying, I gave up with way too many holes in the song. Anyway, overall this was really funny — and I love non-political skits — I just wish I could understand every word of it. Anyone else surprised they didn’t go with a Tiger Woods press conference skit?

UPDATE: I think I nailed most of it. Here are the lyrics to We Are The World 3: Raising Awareness of the “We Are The World 2″ Disaster:

There comes a time (eh)
When we heed a certain call (eh)
and the world must come together as one

There were people singing
some famous but most not
a big swing that didn’t work at all

We Are The World
Was good the first time
But this remake
It was a big mistake
But well intentioned

It just seemed chaotic
And so disorganized
Most people wouldn’t take off their sunglasses. Hey!

To stress again
They’re good intentioned
Though hey, come on
I think I saw Vince Vaughn
And that’s Jeff Bridges

The host of the solos
Was cheaply autotuned
And the whole thing seemed to frighten Justin Bieber

To stress once more
These people meant well
But tell me who
Is this weird dude
Right in the front row

There was someone’s baby
And a man who’s now in jail. Woah whoa whoa WHOA!
A guy who everyone hates
And Wyclef’s crazy yell!

Oooh and standing in the back
The icing on the cake
Next to Vince Vaughn
Could that be Fonzworth Bentley?

Yes we confirm
It’s Fonzworth Bentley
He was the fella
Who held the umbrella for P. Diddy

We were there I tell you
‘Twas like a glimpse of hell
If everyone in hell smelled like weed

We Are The World
Was good the first time
But this retake
Was like that bad remake
They did of Psycho

Wait oh my God
That had Vince Vaughn too
It all make sense
It all makes sense
It all makes sense now

We Are The World
Was good the first time ….

Monologue: Jennifer Lopez — Really short monologue, but it’s always good to hear a host poke fun of themselves.

Gyne-Lotrimin Ladies World Cup of Curling — This is becoming a near-weekly event, so long as the guest host is a female. Not really complaining, here — I actually like this skit, though I worry it’ll get old soon. “Ain’t nothing fine-ah than a yeast-free vagina!”

SNL Digital Short: Flags of the World — I guess the guys had quite a spark of ingenuity when they came up with this one … and then they used that spark to light a big ol’ bag of STRONG weed, because this was a big WTF skit.

Hollywood Dish — It made sense that they’d dig this skit out for a host like J-Lo, but I’m not a big fan of it.

Telemundo on the Olympics — I really don’t have a whole lot to say about this sketch. Maybe it takes someone from a warm climate to find it funny, but since I’m currently sitting here freezing my ass off, that wouldn’t be me.

Undercover Celebrity Boss — Loved the Richard Branson in this one, but what’s scary about this is I can actually picture CBS making this show some day.

Musical Guest: Jennifer Lopez — I was thinking we might hear a couple of her old popular songs rather than some newer stuff, since Bob told me her new record deal was scrapped, or something like that. Well, whatever she did wasn’t the old stuff, but it definitely sounded different than what I thought I’d hear from her.

Weekend Update — Damn, the whole YouTube part of the sketch was just way too accurate. Who hasn’t this happened to? “Oh here it … oh wait, it’s buffering.” So Funny.

Besos y Lagrimas — In case you were wondering, that translates to “Kisses and Tears.” Yeah, I rock the Google Translate. What’s so funny about this is that I’ve heard you can watch these cheesy Spanish soaps and understand what’s going on without understanding a word of it.

Office Puppeteer Love — Yeah, can’t get much creepier than 50 freakin’ puppets in your apartment … that you call “boyfriends.” Yikes. These sketches are pretty funny and I wouldn’t mind seeing more of them.

Smash Mouth in the Closet — “I don’t want to sing it or it’ll get stuck in your head and you won’t be able to get it out!”

Car Horns and More – You may remember a similar one to this called “Doorbells and More” last December. Not my thing.

Zipco Closet Organizer — A repeat commercial but one of my favorites of the season. Available in the gift shop of The Vatican!

Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.

Related posts

• Saturday Night Live – Jon Hamm/Michael Bublé
• Saturday Night Live – Sigourney Weaver/The Ting Tings
• Saturday Night Live – Blake Lively / Rihanna

WowZah.

There’s just so much (not) to talk about in these first two opening editions of American Idol ….. that I just won’t.

I know you know I like the word “lackluster” … and that’s just what we witnessed Tuesday and Wednesday. Two gunmetal gray nights of it. In abundance. Ad nauseum. But ….. there were a few instances of drama. And I’m going to focus on one of them for a minute.

Casey James and Kara DioGuardi.

I don’t believe I’ve ever seen soft core porn the way it was displayed on guy’s night Wednesday on Idol (see video below). Not only from Casey (unintentionally, by the way) but from Kara, as translated in her looks and her actions and her thoughts and her body language regarding his performance.

Hey, Idol Powers That Be: Kara should not be allowed to comment when this dude comes on. At all.

Kara took a straightforward performance from Casey (“Heaven”) and replaced it with “bow-chicka-wow-wow” music. Thing is, she tried to cover it up every step of the way … and failed most miserably. Case in point:

“Can I say something seriously now? Can I say one thing seriously? Seriously, now … jokes aside: You are eye candy but you are ear candy ….”

Kara: If you have to go overboard to try and convince yourself — three times, no less — and you still can’t do it (“seriously”), shut the hell up.

Just. Shut. It.

That was embarrassing. It was embarrassing for Casey from the get go … it was embarrassing for the judges … it was even embarrassing for Casey’s family in the audience. You could see it in their eyes, especially in Casey’s father’s demeanor.

WowZah.

Ryan Seacrest — you just have to love the guy in this instance — was the only one who kept his head about him. He summed it up best when he came on stage after the judges had their say:

“Just looking ahead at the schedule: As you know … tomorrow results … and then Friday Kara’s HR (human resources) meeting …..”

Classic.

Related posts

• See Jane Clack – So You Think You Can Dance vs. American Idol
• American Idol: Giving good show
• American Idol: The elephant’s back in the room – CliqueClack Poll

It’s hard to believe I’m feeling gleeful, since I’m housebound nursing the five-year-old’s ear / sinus infection. It could definitely be worse, but suddenly, I’ve got glee, or Glee, to be exact. FOX sent over the preview for the upcoming April episodes last night (which I’ll share with you after the jump) and I’ve just been reminded of everything that makes Glee great.

In just one minute, Glee has managed to give us a sneak peek of the rumored Madonna episode that’s to come (this could possibly be the set list of the songs to be performed), complete with Sue Sylvester wearing an old Madonna favorite. Funny. But that’s not all, folks — we get a glimpse of a competition performance of Paul McCartney’s “Hello Goodbye,” and some Will / Emma kissing!

This is all speckled with snippets of scenes that we love to love — glee kids getting smoothies in the face, rehearsing, performing… it’s all there. I even think I saw Will and Emma getting ready to do more than kiss … we can only hope! All I know is that while the wait seems long, the preview put a smile on my face.

What do you think — does the preview get you excited for April, or are you missing Glee more than ever?

Related posts

• Glee: Can a musical show work where others have failed? – Guest Clack
• Glee – it’s about opening yourself up to joy
• House is full of black holes

It’s Valentine’s day weekend, and I don’t know about you, but for me, that pretty much means… absolutely nothing. Until next year, that is, when I officially stop ignoring the holiday and start expecting my kid to make me things. That’s going to be sweet. Anyway, most of this week’s TV was Valentine’s Day-themed, and whether it was funny or sad, Valentine’s Day on television is invariably better than actual Valentine’s Day. This is the beauty of television.

Pretty kitty has nails on Modern Family

On Modern Family, Phil and Claire decided to break from their normal routine of going to a family-style Italian restaurant and spend a night in a hotel together. Not only that, but they decided to spice things up with a little role playing in the bar. I’ve got to hand it to them: not many couples who have been married nearly 20 years would be up for this, but as awkward as it is, they give an admirable effort.

A long-lost son comes to visit on Ugly Betty

Here’s what weirds me: the child that Claire gave birth to and then gave up for adoption on Ugly Betty is significantly younger than her two other children, yet seemingly, no one remembers her being pregnant. Seriously: Daniel is like 10 years older than this dude, and he doesn’t remember a baby in mommy’s tummy when he was in the fourth grade? Anyway, despite this head-scratcher, the scene between Claire and Tyler in which he asks if she is his mother, was extremely well done. Neal Bledsoe, who plays Tyler, hasn’t been in a whole lot, but I hope to see him in a lot more after this.

Jeff and Abed get awkwardly drunk on Community

While I do prefer the dynamic duo of Troy and Abed, Jeff and Abed getting drunk together was pretty hilarious. The best part about it is, even though they got drunk in a very ’80s teen movie kind of way, Abed got so drunk that all of his ’80s teen movie knowledge was knocked right out of him. I believe that is what Ms. Alanis Morrisette would call “ironic.”

A head waiter confesses his love on Grey’s Anatomy

Yes, this is totally sappy, but I’m completely susceptible to this kind of thing; I can’t help it. A roof collapses at a restaurant, leading to an influx of injured people coming to Seattle Grace. Here, the head waiter at the restaurant has a lovely monologue about loving a woman from afar for over 15 years– and she hears everything he says!

Related posts

• 30 Rock – Liz is alone for Valentine’s Day
• Community – BCI: Booty Call Implications
• The Big Bang Theory – Leonard’s Valentine’s Day snafu

If I were Oprah, I would say that Gabourey Sidibe, star of the film Precious, is “having a moment.” In fact, I’m pretty sure that Oprah, who is a producer on the film, has actually said that to her. By now you’ve probably heard her story: she was a college student living in New York City who decided to ditch class on a whim and go on an audition for a small film. Next thing you know, Oprah’s on board, and the thing is a huge sensation. Suddenly, this woman who never planned on being an actress, has not only a Golden Globe nomination, but an Oscar nomination for what was not only her first film role, but her first audition.

It’s a pretty impressive story, but what’s interesting to me is how fun watching it has been. Sidibe came out of nowhere to become not just a well-respected actress, but to be the best talk show guest in the world. If I hear she’s going to be on a show, I absolutely make it a point to watch her, because I know that she’s going to be funny, charming, and put me in a good mood. Just how good is she at being a talk show guest? She has made me willingly watch Jay Leno, not once, but twice. She has a talent, people.

Gabourey Sidibe talks about high koalas and kangaroo balls on The Jay Leno Show

Sidibe appeared on the last episode of The Jay Leno Show to talk about how she got to hang with koala bears while in Australia recently. Apparently eucalyptus gets them high, which I did not know. Also, you can buy a bottle opener made out of kangaroo balls. She’s educational!

Ruminations on Mike Tyson’s face tattoo on The View

Sidibe isn’t a dummy: she understands that dudes with face tattoos are scary. What I love about this is how she’s not afraid to go on the show and talk about this, instead of doing the usual diplomatic Hollywood thing. She straight-up tells the ladies on The View that she just stood still and prayed he wouldn’t notice her. She’s honest!

She is a total N*Sync dork, and isn’t afraid to admit it on The Jay Leno Show

This is from Sidibe’s first appearance on The Jay Leno Show, in a segment called, “Earn Your Plug.” She had to answer N*Sync trivia in order to have her clip shown. This is clearly no problem, as Sidibe has said on numerous occasions that she was the creepy super-fan who would find out what hotel they were staying at and wait outside. She’s not afraid of sharing uncomfortable self-truths!

Sidibe goes over her close encounter with Jimmy Fallon on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon

If it’s not clear by now that Sidibe is a big comedy fan, it should be after this Late Night With Jimmy Fallon clip, in which she talks about wanting to be a comedian when she was little, but peaking in the third grade (she so didn’t). She also worked for The Fresh Air Fund before she did Precious, and tried to hob-nob with celebrities. She failed miserably. She’s not afraid to tell someone she’s a fan!

Related posts

• “You don’t wait around for somebody to drop dead!” – Things That Didn’t Suck This Week
• Five things the Oscars can learn from The Golden Globes
• NBC is so screwed

These days I’m not all that surprised when SNL doesn’t capitalize on what the guest host is most known for, but in this case I’m actually a little surprised we saw really nothing about Ashton Kutcher’s “fame” on Twitter. It was a little surreal seeing Ashton Kutcher broadcast on Ustream before he went on, then left the camera on throughout the episode in his dressing room. Anyway, it looks like we’re off until the 2th.

Cold Open: On the Record with Greta Van Susteren — I loved that the FOX News correspondent was simple “an attractive blond lady.” This sketch had me wondering how often the guest host appeared in the cold open. So far, at least this season, it doesn’t seem it’s that often, probably because the sketch is most times limited to politics and not every host can fit in.

Monologue: Ashton Kutcher — Alright, as much as I think a lot of people wanted to hate Kutcher’s monologue, this one was pretty damn funny. Superman getting served a daiquiri  by a Stormtrooper. Come on!

Will Reading — At this point I’m very hopeful that the rest of the episode is at least as good as this sketch. Some great lines in this one. “No I didn’t use protection! She was 110! What was she gonna do, give birth to a ghost?!”

The View — Kutcher’s Mel Gibson is AWFUL. I hope he didn’t go on the show thinking he did a good Gibson impression, because it stunk horribly.

Commercial: Cialis for Threeways — Hey, why else would you want an “extra strength” Cialis? A mini-orgy!

Rome, 160 A.D. — Forte as the king and Kutcher almost losing his shit were what made this sketch. And after seeing it, I wonder why Samberg didn’t do Mel Gibson in the prior sketch.

Musical Guest: Them Crooked Vultures — At first I was thinking: “Who are these dudes? And how the hell old are they?” And then I thought the bassist looked familiar — John Paul Jones. Pretty wild hearing him playing stuff that’s quite modern sounding.

Weekend Update – The Garth and Kat portion was pretty funny, and it was made pretty clear that these songs really are thrown together on the spot by both Wiig and Amisen.

What is Burn Notice? — Oh come on, picking on one of my favorite shows now? But y’know something? I bet this is a really difficult show for a newcomer to get into if they have no idea what it’s about in he first place. Seriously, how can anyone understand the show at this point when they’ve sort of gotten away from the main plot point? With that in mind, this wasn’t so bad. Maybe someone here at CliqueClack should write a study guide for this game.

Access Hollywood — Wow, I just didn’t get this sketch at all. Maybe it was how Access Hollywood covered the nominations this year? Did they interrupt the nominations with their own B.S.? I think if I knew what the hell this was supposed to be making fun of, I’d find it funny…?

Rahm Emanuel Apology — I think this whole speech spoke what a lot of people have been thinking this past week. Amazing what gets under people’s skin “I will write something on your Facebook wall so obscene that your computer will cry!”

Cadena-Norton Wedding — This one seems cut short and could have been funnier … somehow. The thing is, it’s not too far from the truth that punksters will be seeing their sons and daughters married off, and who’s to say they won’t get up there and do a little reunion show?

And here’s a “web exclusive” sketch for you, one that wasn’t shown on the air last night:

Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.

Related posts

• Saturday Night Live – Jude Law/Pearl Jam
• Saturday Night Live – Zach Galifianakis/Vampire Weekend
• Saturday Night Live – Jennifer Lopez

Obviously, the big news in TV this week was the return of Lost. They’re back at LAX! No they’re not! Juliet’s alive! No she’s not! It was all very confusing, but there was one smoky moment that stood out for me. In other TV news, Modern Family got pixilated, the study group on Community finally acknowledged the growing sexual tension, and NBC’s Thursday night was quite musical. Here are some of the things that didn’t suck this week:

John Locke is a Dot-Matrix printer on Lost.

Wait, that’s not right. John Locke is actually the smoke monster! Except, it’s not John Locke, it’s the Man in Black. Right? Right? I’m so bad at Lost that I don’t even know. However, what I do know is that Ol’ Smokey laying waste to an entire room full of people was pretty bad ass.

A moon landing on Modern Family

Because I am four years old, when Jay and Cameron had their awkward run-in while in the locker room, I started giggling uncontrollably and squeaking, “They touched butts, they touched butts!” But seriously: are “moon landings” and splashdowns” real things?

The study group on Community wants to jump each other’s bones.

This was my favorite part of this week’s episode: each look is funnier than the last, plus it serves as a nice callback to previous episodes. Personally, I’m rooting for Troy and Shirley.

Vaughn likes Annie’s nose on Community

Vaughn is back, and this time he’s singing to the new object of his affection, Annie. The part about Eskimos in his mouth is kind of creepy, but it’s creepy in the kind of way that an 18-year-old girl would love.

30 Rock doesn’t want you to go to sleep with a frown in your pocket

I really like the fact that Liz’s and Kenneth’s mothers both sang them the same song when they were little. Sometimes it’s the little things that connect us in life.

Dunder-Mifflin is a part of Sabre on The Office

I’m much happier to have this song stuck in my head, then the ubiquitous Miley Cyrus original, “Party in the U.S.A.” God, I hate that song.

Related posts

• What about John Locke? – Open Letters
• The Office – Did Dwight really need to taste the garbage bag to know that it was new?
• The Office – What did happen to Meredith’s kids?

It seems like only last season that Jon Hamm hosted SNL for the first time. Oh wait, it was last year. It feels a little desperate when this show can’t fit enough unique guests that they already dip into the repeat drawer so quickly.

Cold Open: State of the Union Address – I loved the inclusion of footage from the actual State of the Union address … and the Golden Globes! Seriously, the amount of not only applause, but STANDING applause during these speeches is ridiculous.

Monologue: Jon Hamm – Was definitely funny to see Don Draper-ized roles in the other shows, but Hamm was in quite a few other notable shows that could have been funnier to spoof with Don Draper added, like The Division, Providence or What About Brian … OK, so maybe not-so-notable.

Don’t Make Me Sing – One thing: what the hell was with the dancing cats?

SNL Digital Short: Sergio Curse – Was anyone else reminded of the sax player from The Lost Boys movie, Timmy Cappello? Alright, I only know who he is because I looked him up. But, yeah, that’s definitely the same sweaty sax guy, just with a different name: Sergio! Sorta a funny skit, I guess, but mostly just downright weird.

Daydreaming of Senator Scott Brown – Damn if that Barney Frank wasn’t funny as hell, coming from someone from Massachusetts.

Musical Guest: Michael Bublé – Anyone else find Bublé’s performances annoying? He either looks drunk or way too much like Matt Dillon … or both. No? Just me? Anyway, I never got what’s all that special about him.

Weekend Update – Damn, Moynihan’s Snooki looked like a Cheeto!

Gametime with Randy & Greg – Holy crap, definitely one of the funniest skits for a while. The ending alone was funny as hell, with a classic Body Snatchers scream.

Hamm & Bublé - I think most of us had a feeling there would be some sort of follow-up to last season’s “Jon Hamm’s Jon Ham” sketch. Bublé did a good job in this sketch, even if he was singing every line he delivered. Having these two guys on the show at the same time, you just knew a food reference to both of them was inevitable.

Zipco Closet Organizer -This felt a lot like an Andy Samberg special, with how completely weird it was. A blue guy in a closet, getting papers, feathers, dirt and cheese thrown at him, while he craps in a bucket? What could have made it stranger? Funniest part of this was two sketches later….

Typewriting Court Stenographer – I’m stuck for anything to say about this sketch, really. It was short and unmemorable.

Return of Closet Organizer – I really wasn’t sure where this was going at first, but the connection to one of the previous sketches was awesome.

American Enterprise: Barnes & Noble – What a short and pointless sketch that I can only believe developed from one of the writers having a run-in with homeless people in a Barnes & Noble store.

Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.

Related posts

• Saturday Night Live – Jon Hamm; Coldplay
• Saturday Night Live – Jennifer Lopez
• Things that didn’t suck this week – awkward moments, cursing and Keith Olbermann

After months of waffling, ABC has finally given the word: Ugly Betty will not be back for a fifth season. The writers still have eight episodes in which to bring Betty’s story to a (hopefully) satisfying conclusion. While I’m glad the one-time hit series is winding down, I’m anxious for them to end well and not leave us disappointed with the fates of our favorite characters. Here’s what I hope they do.

1) Give Amanda a new job. Betty and Marc have both become editors. This progression was inevitable; they can’t be assistants forever. But poor Amanda is still a receptionist. Don’t get me wrong — I love Amanda as the receptionist, but we’ve seen her grow over the course of the series. We’ve seen her teach Matt about fashion, and we know she’s the daughter of the legendary Fey Sommers. Most importantly, we know that Amanda aspires to be more than a receptionist. By the series finale, I hope she will be on her way to better things.

2) Give Hilda a break. Betty’s big sister is not my favorite character, but come on — she got fired and had to start a business because she couldn’t find a job; her fiance was murdered; her son was bullied and publicly humiliated in school; and now she has a miscarriage. At least Hilda’s salon seems to be doing well. As the series closes, I’d like to see her find happiness with Bobby. He’s exactly right for her: sweet, caring, responsible, and still ghetto enough to keep her interested.

3) Keep Wilhelmina and Marc together, scheming happily ever after. Wili admitted to Daniel in “Blackout” that Marc is the most important man in her life. And how true! I don’t want their plotting and scheming to ever end; Mode just wouldn’t be the same. I don’t want to see them go all soft and nice at the end. With the finale, I want to be assured that this fantastic duo will continue to drive the Meades (and everyone else at Mode) crazy.

4) Make Daniel fall in love with Betty. I know. Many fans hate the idea of messing with Daniel and Betty’s friendship. Many others will be furious if the two do not end up together. I have doubts about whether the writers can pull this off after building such a strong brother-sister type of bond between the two, but there have been moments that make me think it could work. One scene in particular made me a believer: In “Back in Her Place,” when Wilhelmina ordered Betty to walk a mile in a pair of painful platform shoes, Betty ended up bumping into Daniel outside; she took his arm and leaned on him as they walked down the street. For some reason, that moment was my epiphany. Betty and Daniel felt so easy and natural together, and I suddenly could see them as a couple. Here’s the scene, if you want to check it out:

All other reasons aside, I have one main reason for wanting Daniel to fall in love with Betty. For me, the show has always been about the concept of beauty, and the overarching story is not about Betty becoming beautiful but about the shallow people around her realizing that she is already beautiful. Initially, they (the fashion world and Daniel) see her as unattractive. By the end of the series, there ought to be a transformation. Daniel once epitomized the shallowness, so by the finale, he should represent the transformation. It’s not enough for him to just be her friend. The whole point is that his concept of beauty should have evolved to the point where he is able to see Betty as attractive, not because she has changed but because he has changed.

So those are my thoughts about how Ugly Betty should end. Just my opinion, of course. What about you? What do you want to see in the final eight episodes? Leave a comment and share your thoughts!

Related posts

• If this is Ugly Betty’s final season, who should Betty end up with?
• Has Ugly Betty lost its charm?
• Valentine’s Day, drinking, and role playing – Things That Didn’t Suck This Week

This column isn’t always going to be about late night, but it’s just been too good over the past couple of weeks to ignore. However, with tonight being Conan’s last night as host of The Tonight Show, on top of the horrifying news that Jay Leno is hosting the White House Correspondents’ dinner, I feel as though taking a look back on the way Leno and NBC have been slammed this week is only appropriate.

On Wednesday night, David Letterman started off easily enough, making a crack about how Jay Leno was probably going to end up with Ted Kennedy’s congressional seat in Massachusetts, and ending with the NBC peacock walking into a KFC and turning itself in. However, it was the middle, when Letterman said that Al- Jazeera was more trustworthy than NBC, that the claws started to come out.

I love crotchety old Dave Letterman, so to see the childlike glee with which he’s eviscerating Leno in a very subtle, yet cutting way just warms the cockles of my cold dead heart. I love how he starts out with, “Lord knows, I’ve got my own problems,” before going on to say just how much he’s enjoying himself in this whole mess. You know when he talks about “vintage Jay,” he’s not exactly paying him a compliment. It’s been readily apparent, in fact, that Letterman has used this opportunity to exorcise some of the bitterness he still has about losing The Tonight Show to Jay back in ‘92. Here’s my favorite part:

“So I’m begging you, ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of everyone involved: please, don’t blame Conan… I know that a lot of you think that Conan pushed himself out of a job; he’s not that kind of a guy. He would never do that to himself.” He never says that we should blame Jay, but the implication is pretty clear. He ends with advice to Leno: “You get fired, you get another gig! You don’t wait around for somebody to drop dead!”

So while Letterman is railing against Leno for going back on his word to retire, and basically hanging out in the lobby of NBC, waiting for Conan to fail, Leno, “the nicest guy on TV” goes below the belt. It’s not so much that I think that he shouldn’t go below the belt, or that Letterman’s affairs aren’t fair game when it comes to comedy, it’s just that this is so painfully unfunny. One of my favorite lines from Glee is about how Rachel manages to simultaneously dress like a toddler and a grandmother. That’s what Leno is to me: simultaneously childish and befuddlingly old. But most importantly, NOT FUCKING FUNNY.

This is my thing with Jay Leno: wouldn’t it be shockingly easy for Conan to take Adam Sandler’s place in this clip, and for “Eric” to be replaced with “Leno?”

Related posts

• Just give all of late night to Ferguson – Things That Didn’t Suck This Week
• NBC is so screwed
• Things that didn’t suck this week – Conan, Frangela, and The Listener

I know a few people were hoping for Sigourney Weaver to do a skit around her role on Ghost Busters. Well, may have not gotten that one, but she at least made reference to two others. Definitely a good sport all around, an OK performance, but not the most memorable guest.

Cold Open: Larry King Live — Nice to see a cold open that’s hitting the topic we all want to see and is NOT a political theme. Also, Jason Sudeikis was pretty damn funny as Letterman. On the other hand, the guy playing Leno (who was that?) was as annoying as … as … well, Leno. So, hey, I guess he did a bang up job.

Monologue: Sigourney Weaver — I had forgotten that Sigourney Weaver’s father created The Tonight Show. Anyway, a pretty unremarkable monologue, and I was surprised that she took a few missteps in there.

Grady Wilson’s Fifty and Freaky — This skit was saved by Weaver’s appearance in it, but damn, it’s still as disturbing as ever. To be a fly on the wall when that skit was pitched to her to participate in….

Summer’s Eve Lady Stars of Darts Championship — What is it about Weaver playing Eastern European women? “When your man’s in a coma from your panty aroma: Summer’s Eve … douche.”

SNL Digital Short: James Cameron’s Laser Cats 5 — I dunno what it is about these, but I love ‘em. Adding Alien’s Ripley to the James Cameron directed movie? Brilliant! And finally a guest reprising a role from their past! Best sketch of the night, even if it was recorded.

Disco Booty Junction — I think a real Amber & Cream team needs to come around and pull the same crap these two were pulling. The scandal, at trying to figure out who’s who would last a whole week! Alright, this skit sucked.

Musical Guest: The Ting Tings — I’d never heard of these guys prior to tonight, and I’ve only heard the second song before. Although, I swear that first song was something playing during the summer of 1987 … not that that’s a bad thing.

Weekend Update — Loved Seth Meyers’s explanation for what happened with the Conan/Leno debacle, even if it was very close to what a few people have said already about the situation.

Avatar — “Plug me back in. For science! For science!” Loved the tiny little legs on poor eggplant-raped Jake. Again, I’m really happy that we’re seeing a guest connect back with something they’re known for having done … I mean the movie, not the eggplant.

Riley — Oh God, a new skit with a theme song. I really hope this is the last we’ll see of it. Oh wait, this is SNL; we’ll see it every other episode, BITCH!

Sigourney’s Internet Addiction — I love that NBC apparently bought up eyesugar.biz. NO, I was not looking for the nip slip picture! This was for research. What?

Fire and Rice — Wow, what a throw away sketch. At this point of the episode, what are you supposed to say about this two minute job? And a second mention of peeing out of Weaver. What the heck?

Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.

Related posts

• Saturday Night Live – Jennifer Lopez
• Saturday Night Live – Blake Lively / Rihanna
• Saturday Night Live – Drew Barrymore; Regina Spektor

Look, when the dust settles and the whole NBC late night debacle concludes, no one at NBC is going to win. Jeff Zucker is going to continue to look like an idiot, Jay Leno is going to continue to look like the guy whose inability to be remotely funny or entertaining ruined primetime and perhaps The Tonight Show’s legacy, and Conan O’Brien is going to be the poor sap who got screwed out of his dream job.

So while the folks over at NBC are handling this mess with all of the finesse of a drunk chimp attempting neurosurgery, there are a few winners in this whole thing. David Letterman gets to work out all of his aggression that he’s had toward Leno and NBC ever since he lost the Tonight Show gig, and that’s probably good for his heart. The real winner in this whole never-ending saga, however, is Host of The Late Late Show on CBS, Craig Ferguson.

On Monday night, Ferguson started off with a few softballs: a funny “Late Night Wars” graphic and a quick Leno impersonation. He says he feels sorry for both Jay and Conan, and jokes that “you know that the world is on its ass when David Letterman and I are the stable ones.”

Later on in his monologue though, Ferguson gets a few jabs in toward NBC and his competitor, Jimmy Fallon, while reminding people that at the end of the day, this really isn’t an important issue. Ferguson says, “It’s not Jay Leno’s fault, and it’s not Conan O’Brien’s fault. Let’s just call it what it is: this whole mess is a direct result of atrocious management by a once-great American network.” He continues with the real talk when he concludes his monologue with, “What I’m saying, I think, is it’s a bunch of middle-aged white guys arguing over who gets x million dollars. Who gives a…” at which point he’s bleeped, and we do not know which choice word he used to end that analysis.

Ferguson comes back on Tuesday night with both guns blazing toward NBC. He ends his monologue by first chastising them for not telling the truth to their performers, but then says this, “‘Craig, aren’t you burning your bridges there with NBC?’ Yes! ‘What do you mean? You don’t want to work for NBC ever in your career?’ No! They’re lying rat bastards; have I made it clear?” It is one of the single-most ballsiest moves I’ve seen on late night, and it made me fall in love with him. Watch this clip and tell me that you wouldn’t just want a 3-hour Craig Ferguson block on NBC instead of the nonsense they have going on now.

On Wednesday night, Ferguson perhaps realized that nothing could really top calling NBC “lying rat bastards,” so he doesn’t really talk about the Late Night Wars, other than to dismiss the whole issue saying, “Late night bores the ass off of me.” Ferguson knows how to milk something just long enough, and walk away before he reaches the tipping point.

On Thursday night, other than a quick reference to Leno, Ferguson didn’t mention the whole saga at all, content to focus on what keeps his job secure: Jokes about his penis.

Related posts

• “You don’t wait around for somebody to drop dead!” – Things That Didn’t Suck This Week
• Things that didn’t suck this week – Conan, Frangela, and The Listener
• Hey NBC, don’t be a dick: bring back Life!