CliqueClack TV » Weeds

Diary of a Weeds Virgin – When I finish season 5, I’ll no longer be a virgin!

Kona Gallagher — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 16:00:26 +0000

(Season 5, Episodes 1-3)

(Season 5, Episode 1 “Wonderful Wonderful”)

The only thing I found surprising about this episode was that it’s taken her family this long to abandon Nancy. I would have assumed they would have just cut their losses a while ago. Even Shane, whose voice is just now changing, would probably be healthier, happier, and safer taking care of himself instead of being under Nancy’s “supervision.” Wait, I’m sorry. There was one other thing that surprised me: the fact that Nancy actually seems to own a pair of pants.

Nancy’s life is like the world’s worst Choose Your Own Adventure book, where every time she has a choice, she chooses the one you know is going to get you eaten by a giant squid or whatever. Yes, showing her Mexican Gangster boyfriend the ultrasound image of his baby was probably a good way to avoid getting killed that night, but come on. Like Andy said, she’s really just delaying the inevitable. Especially because she won’t listen to reason. Denmark is supposed to be lovely. Oprah said so. The Mexican mob isn’t going to follow her there, because ultimately, it’s just not that important. Instead, she just goes to the mall.

It was kind of fun watching Celia’s kidnappers calling everyone she knows trying to get a ransom for her, and constantly being laughed at and hung up on. It was a nice diversion from Nancy’s storyline, but ultimately, what was the point? Other than showing that Celia’s daughter has a good reason for not being on the show — besides being sent to “boarding school” after the pilot, that is.

(Season 5, Episode 2 “Machetes Up Top”)

It looks like Celia is staying in Mexico with her daughter’s boyfriend because everyone in California hates her. This doesn’t seem like something that will end well, but on the other hand, the further away from Nancy she is, the better off she’ll be at this point.

Speaking of Nancy, let’s talk about Oprah some more. You know how Oprah talks about “A-ha moments?” Now, granted, I doubt any of us have been in Nancy’s, uh, position, but don’t you think that if you found yourself pregnant, bent over a table, and naked from the waist down after just being violated, and your Mexican Gangster boyfriend’s hired goon came in and told you it’s time to go, don’t you think that would be an “A-ha moment?” “Why, yes. Perhaps it is time for me to go. To DENMARK.”

In lighter news, Jennifer Jason Leigh is guest-starring as Nancy’s sister, and she and Andy immediately sleep with each other. It’s really funny how they work out all of their anger toward Nancy with each other. Right now, this is the only bright spot in a show that is looking increasingly bleak.

(Season 5, Episode 3 “Su-Su-Sucio”)

It looks as though there may be a bright spot in all of the unrelenting bleakness that has been making up this show lately. Andy and Silas are going to open a medical marijuana store. If this works out, it could get Weeds back to where it was in the first few seasons, you know, before all of the raping and murdering. I miss that show; the one about the suburban family just trying to get by, and all of their hilariously damaged friends.

Now it’s all blood and running, and the constant threat of death. My only hope is that Nancy can, in fact, find some way out of her situation so that we see more of characters like her sister, and fewer characters like Sucio and Esteban. When it comes to watching a show that is just bad news, death, and drugs, I’m really kind of set with Breaking Bad. I don’t need another series in that category.

Nancy’s sister could also help move the series back in its original direction, as could Celia’s return. The benefit of having Nancy’s sister around, other than providing a romantic interest for Andy, is that she acts as proof that Nancy has always been this awful.

Photo Credit: Sonja Fleming/Showtime

Quotation Marks – Butt cheeks, Buffy’s Graduation, and a yunkie

Ivey West — Mon, 07 Sep 2009 14:00:42 +0000

Summer is coming to a close, which means two things. Many of the brilliant summer shows that cable gave us this year are over or close to, and its time for the fall premiers. Two of my favorite Virgin Diaries posts also found some closure, as Buffy finished high school, and Veronica just finished.

Defying Gravity

“Do you guys ever get, like really bad cramping when you clench your butt checks together like that?” — Wass

Greek

“He was a nerd but he was hot … it was just so confusing.” — Random ZBZ sister to Casey, about Max

“I had to fake a nosebleed to get out of there.” — Dale to Calvin, on how he supposedly escaped from Sheila at the party

Weeds

“Where do you get your intel?” — Silas, after Shane played six degrees of celebrity venereal diseases with him
“I make it up.” — Shane

“Adelita’s a junkie.” — Nancy
“I think with the accent it’s ‘yunkie’.” — Andy

Selections from the Virgin Diaries

Veronica Mars

“Hello, Stosh. What do you say we head out, have a few beers?” — Keith
“That’s one of those trick questions, isn’t it?” — Piz
“I got some new IDs for you. Wallace.” — Keith
“This picture is Jon Bon Jovi.” — Piz
“Yes. It is.” — Keith
“Biggie Smalls? We don’t really all look alike, Mr. Mars.” — Wallace
“I know that, Wallace. Now, let’s go out and get our drink on.” — Keith

“Tell your roommate I came by hoping to kill time between classes getting to second base with someone, and then left unsatisfied.” — Veronica
“He’s a good guy, Veronica. Try not to rip out his heart.” — Wallace

“I’m looking for detective Mars.” — Kizza
“I’m detective Mars.” — Veronica
“But you’re just a girl. You’re a teenager.” — Kizza
“A girl, a teenager, and a private detective – I’m a triple threat. Barely fits on my business card.” — Veronica

“I just hope Piz isn’t planning on moping his way through the remainder of freshman year. It’s not like I’m taking an internship at a Mister Softee in Wachoota. It’s the FBI. The F. B. I.” — Veronica
“At the very least, Piz should think it’s hot.” — Mac
“Actually, he does think it’s pretty hot. He’d just think it was hotter if I were doing it in Neptune.” — Veronica
“He wants to date you and be near you? Greedy little bugger.” — Mac
“And if he didn’t care, I’d probably be complaining about that … to my girlfriend … while waiting to pay for frozen yogurt. I’m a girl!” — Veronica

“I think I read in Teen People that a clean leg shave will make that special boy sit up and take notice.” — Veronica
“I read in FHM that boys like bare breasts.” — Mac
“Interesting. I did not know that. Bare breasts, you say? Hmmm….” — Veronica

House

“I assume you’ve been in love?” — Henry
“Is that the one that makes your pants feel funny?” — House

“You blow dry your hair?” — House
“Oh sorry, did I wake you up?” — Wilson
“You blow dry your hair?” — House
“Excuse me for actually caring what I look like.” — Wilson
“I think the word you’re looking for is obsessing!” — House

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

“Looks like a job for Wiccan girl. What do you say, Will? Big-time danger.” — Buffy
“Hey, I eat danger for breakfast.” — Willow
“But oddly enough, she panics in the face of breakfast foods.” — Xander

“Look, I know you find me attractive. I’ve seen you looking at my breasts.” — Anya
“Nothing personal, but when a guy does that it just means his eyes are open.” — Xander
“Whatever. Look, do you wanna go with me or not?” — Xander [Xander's eyes lower for a second, then flick back up to Anya's face.]

“I’m going to miss her.” — Willow, about Harmony
“Don’t you hate her?” — Buffy
“Yes, with a fiery vengeance. She picked on me for ten years. Vacuous tramp…. It’s like a sickness, Buffy. I’m missing everything. I miss P.E.!” — Willow

“Guys. Take a moment to deal with this. We survived.” — Oz
“It was a hell of a battle.” — Buffy
“Not the battle. High School.” — Oz

Photo Credit: ABC

Diary of a Weeds Virgin – Season 4 ends, and Nancy does not redeem herself

Kona Gallagher — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 16:00:20 +0000

I’ve heard that Season 5 of Weeds is not only dark, but bleak. I totally buy it, because the end of season 4 definitely sets the tone. We’ve got skin being sanded off of a person, betrayal, probable murder, kidnapping, and faux-suicide. So, you know, it’s definitely awesome that they keep on putting Mary-Louise Parker in the Comedy category at the Emmys.

That’s not to say I didn’t enjoy the end of the season — I definitely did, and can’t wait to delve into season 5. It looks as though Weeds will be going through another reboot, and I’m interested to see where the show takes us next. My one request is this: while the title sequence that they used this season is clever, I definitely miss the original song. Bring it back!

(Season 4, Episode 12 “Till We Meet Again”)

Jesus. That sure took a dark turn. When the title sequence came up and we saw that sander, I yelled, “that’s a killin’ shed!” Turns out, I was very right. Esteban has said, on several occasions, that Nancy is “impulsive,” and she really proved it in this episode. When Guillermo wouldn’t sell her pot and she asked Esteban to make him, the obviously smitten man did. So instead of taking that lesson to heart, and bringing up the subject of the girls coming through the tunnel with Esteban again, she tells the DEA about the tunnel.

She had to know that it was a stupid thing to do, and would obviously fuck with Esteban’s livelihood. Even Esteban himself wouldn’t think that Nancy is so suicidal that she would talk to the feds. He obviously hasn’t been around for the first three seasons. So he doesn’t know yet that she sold him out, but the DEA agent who had half of his body sanded off before being shot in the face totally gave her up before he died.

In lighter (i.e. at least people aren’t having their skin removed with power tools) news, Celia’s new rehab group has actually done her some good — she’s realized that her life is still salvageable, and she can make amends and go on. This leads Dean to tell her to find her daughter who disappeared after the pilot, and make things right with her. Kudos to Weeds for not completely just pretending this character never existed. I’ll be interested to see how Quinn fits into this whole thing.

Doug continues to be the most hilarious character on this show. After my prediction about Andy and Maria getting it on came true, he did what any sad, jilted, middle-aged man would do when his best friend has sex with his illegal immigrant “girlfriend”: he calls INS on her. Ha!

(Season 4, Episode 13 “If You Work For a Living, Then Why Do You Kill Yourself Working?”)

Nancy is quickly becoming the most terrifying character on this show. Not only is she stupid and reckless, but she’s … I don’t know, psychotic? I don’t really know, but I’m pretty sure that if someone tried to use the DSM-IV to diagnose her, the book would actually burst into flames.

I’m really good at avoiding spoilers, so even though Weeds has been on the air for a couple of years, I knew very little about what has happened on it, which has worked out really well for my Virgin Diaries. However, I did accidentally find out about the big surprise — that Nancy is pregnant with Esteban’s baby. So while that didn’t shock me in and of itself, the way she told him certainly did.

It really wasn’t a surprise that the whole “snitch on Guillermo to the DEA” thing didn’t work out, right? While I’m sure Esteban is quite fond of Nancy in his own way, he is, first and foremost, a businessman. So when Nancy puts his business in serious danger, he obviously has to react, right? And given his line of work, he’s probably going to react violently. Nancy kind of figures this out, but drives down to Tijuana, ditching Silas on his birthday (of course) to have a chat with Esteban, and probably die.

She gambles on the idea that since he’s already a father, he’ll be sentimental enough not to shoot her in the face when she shows him the ultrasound of their baby. Obviously it was a good gamble, because there’s a season 5, and Alanis Morissette is her baby doctor and whatnot, but seriously — what the fuck, Nancy? You don’t leave your children and take your unborn baby to Tijuana, when you know there’s a pretty high likelihood of dying. Christ, this woman confounds me.

Before all this goes down, however, she has a rather interesting and naked conversation with Andy, where she lays out everything to him. I’ve also heard inklings of them getting together next season, so that should be interesting. I’m not surprised that the show is going down this road, since they’ve been kind of hinting around it for quite some time. I just hope it won’t be a situation like Nancy and Conrad, where they get together, and he leaves the show after a few episodes.

I was wondering how Celia’s daughter, Quinn, was going to fit into the story. Celia does, in fact, take Dean’s advice and try to reconnect with the daughter she sent away after the pilot. Well, apparently Quinn is not too fond of the fact that she’s missed out on what has become a very successful show, and immediately drugs Celia and holds her hostage. She wants a pretty substantial amount of money, so apparently she hasn’t heard about the Hodes’ financial troubles. She’ll be so disappointed.

Now, I don’t know a whole lot about auto-erotic asphyxiation, but I’m pretty sure you don’t need such an elaborate and/or thick rope. Also, where did Doug learn how to tie such an expert hangman’s noose? These are things I don’t really want answers to, but you know that an episode is dark when a suicide fake-out is the comedic highlight.

Photo Credit: Showtime

Weeds – Shane gets into Pilar’s head

Aryeh S. — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 04:49:46 +0000

Wow. Honestly, I didn’t even see that crescendo building, and then, bam! There was Shane, smashing Pilar in the head with a croquet mallet, knocking her lifeless body into the pool. I guess the golf club beat down scene was included in the “previously on Weeds” for a reason.

Still … wow. There’s actually been a very subterranean evolution going on in Shane, even as he’s appeared to change dramatically on a superficial level. I was watching him at Esteban’s fundraiser — Silas sitting there, looking like the Abercrombie & Fitch model that he’s grown into, Shane looking like the young version of a serial killer to be profiled on a future episode of Criminal Minds. I realize I can say that now and not be called on it, but the truth is that, particularly due to the stark contrast between the Botwin boys, I did take significant note of how crazy Shane was starting to look.

Apparently, I didn’t even know the half of it.

There is actually a lot to say about this episode, and this season, but I just can’t seem to get over the fact that Shane just up and hit Pilar in the side of the head with a mallet. Jeeee-zuz. Insane.

That being all of the last 30 seconds of the finale, I’ll try and pull myself together enough to note some of what else happened. First there’s Celia, who is still trying to be like Nancy. What is it exactly that she’s so envious of? She lived in the Ren Mar house; she knows a bit of what’s up. What the hell does she want from that life?

Either way, I love Celia and Doug together. They’re not only hilarious, but they also make it hard to imagine that they were once sleeping together. It’s also the only times that I enjoy Celia, and I am having an even harder time with her as she takes on a poor-man’s version of Nancy. She looks awful, and sounds like an idiot.

But in making herself over in Nancy’s image, Celia pulled together a team to sell her drugs. There’s Doug, Dean, Isabelle, Ignacio (supply), and … Sanjay (Maulik Pancholy)! Why he’s back without Vaneeta (Indigo) I’m not sure, but back is back. Now, I was hoping for Conrad (Romany Malco), especially considering the prior relationship that he and Celia had, but Ignacio makes Conrad redundant. At least as far as Celia’s budding (nice!) empire is concerned. Either way, let the games begin!

I was not at all into the new Andy (a mini-van?), and I was trying to deduce some way for him and Audra to split. I think Andy’s successfully taken care of that himself, after running from psycho Gale and leaving Audra to fend for herself. Now that’s the Andy we know and love.

Nancy bet and lost on Guillermo — not surprising, but disappointing nonetheless — but she has Shane now. And I’m still shaking my head. Of course, Guillermo’s probably gunning for her, as will many people who learn of Pilar’s murder, but that’s next season’s problem.

At this point, quotes are but a pittance compared to the end of the episode, but here are some all the same:

“Where do you get your intel?” – Silas, after Shane played six degrees of celebrity venereal diseases with him

“I make it up.” – Shane

“Adelita’s a junkie.” – Nancy
“I think with the accent it’s ‘yunkie’.” – Andy

In the head. With a croquet mallet. Wow, Shane. Wow.

Photo Credit: Showtime

The Week Ahead – Rescue Me and Weeds go, but Greek returns

Jason Hughes — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 22:28:07 +0000

Highlights of the Week

Rescue Me totally redeemed itself in this, its longest season ever. After 22 solid episodes, where we saw the Gavin clan fall completely off the wagon. Is Teddy’s wife a goner? And what about Janet/Sheila/Tommy? That can’t end well. (Tue. 10pm, FX)
With the fall season fast approaching, FOX is hedging their bets that So You Think You Can Dance will perform as well there as it does in the summer. To get you pumped up, this week they’re offering “The Best Of…” (Wed. 8pm, FOX)
Season 3/Chapter 5 of Greek kicks off this week by bringing us “The Day After.” Casey’s rejected, Max is gone and what’s Rusty to do? (Mon. 9pm, ABC Family)
HBO’s new comedy, Bored to Death, actually looks pretty good. It’s about a writer who becomes a P.I. and stars Jason Schwartzman, Ted Danson and Zach Galifianakis. The cast is enough for me to check it out. This week, they’re sneak-peeking it with a “Making Of” special. (Tue. 10:45pm)
The story of Ruby’s weight-loss journey has inspired millions. This week, we say goodbye to her second season as she speaks at a summer weight-loss camp for kids. Her finale is followed by Too Fat for 15, which looks at a kid struggling at 450 pounds. (Sun. 8pm, Style)

Premieres & Specials

It’s “Country’s Night to Rock” Monday when ABC brings you the CMA: Music Festival. And by Rock, they apparently mean Kid Rock who features all over this, along with Brad Paisley, Taylor Swift, Sugarland and more. (Mon. 7pm, ABC)
If you want more country, Alan Jackson brings his musical stylings to a concert on the water … literally. Aquapalooza on Lake Martin has the singer performing to thousands of fans in boats. (Fri. 8pm, CMT)
CBS offers a sneak peek at their fall lineup to help you with your channel shopping come September. (Wed. 8:30pm)
As we approach the anniversary of September 11, WE brings us a documentary featuring six stories of people United by 9/11 in different ways. (Wed. 10pm)
The Travel Channel takes to the road again with Andrew Zimmerman’s Bizarre World. In the premiere he heads to Cuba to show us it’s more than a place people get in homemade boats to get away from. (Tue. 10pm)
Football this week brings you Vikings @ Texans (Mon. 8pm, ESPN), .
But that’s not all, as ABC kicks off the new season of Saturday Night College Football with Alabama vs. Virginia Tech. (Sat. 8pm, ABC)

Finales

Weeds wraps its fifth season with with Nancy scrambling to cover her ass after she learns of Esteban’s fate. (Mon. 10pm, Showtime)
The good news is that some of the contestants actually lost weight. The bad news is everything else. Well, there is one more bit of good news. Dance Your Ass Off! is over. (Mon, 10pm, Oxygen)
Also bidding us a fond adieu this week are The T.O. Show (Mon. 10pm, VH1), You Are What You Eat (Tue. 8pm, BBC America), Into the Pride (Thu. 8pm, Animal Planet), American Loggers (Thu. 9pm, Discovery), Friday Night With Jonathan Ross (Fri. 9pm, BBC America), The Bill Engvall Show (Sat. 9:30pm, TBS), Homeland Security USA (Sun. 5pm, ABC),

Photo Credit: FX

Diary of a Weeds Virgin – Threesomes, hallucinogens, and rehab

Kona Gallagher — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 16:00:57 +0000

(Season 4, Episodes 10-11)

We’re hurtling toward the season 4 finale, and Nancy is going all out. She’s on drugs and ignoring her kids, who are sleeping with older women, selling drugs in sandwiches, and having threesomes. While she seems to be hell-bent on destruction, other characters are trying to improve their lives.

Dean comes back and helps Celia into a much needed intervention, while Sanjay and Clinique return to help out with the maternity store. Doug is trying to find love, and Andy is having deep thoughts about where he wants his life to go. Even though Nancy seems to be hurtling toward disaster, maybe everyone else will be okay.

Just kidding. She’s totally going to take everyone down with her.

(Season 4, Episode 10 “The Love Circle Overlap”)

Esteban spends the night at the Botwin household, and Nancy continues to ignore her kids — one of whom is babysitting his girlfriend’s 10-year-old son while she goes and has sex with her ex-husband, the other of whom is preparing to have a threesome with two other middle-schoolers. Just don’t be late for your date, Nancy!

To be fair to our favorite mother of the year, after she goes to Tijuana and has a hallucinatory experience with her drug kingpin boyfriend, she does seem to come to some sort of realization that, yes, she is actually hurting people with her constant stream of ridiculous actions. Whether or not that will cause her to make better decisions is up for debate (my guess is no).

Dean does return, as do Sanjay and Clinique, so my worries from the last few episodes were unfounded. Celia, in a roundabout way, is actually who brought them back together. Dean is in town because Isabelle is staging a much needed intervention for her mother. Sanjay and Clinique are back so Clinique can take over Celia’s job in the maternity store. It’s nice to have everyone back, but I still miss Conrad and Heylia.

(Season 4, Episode 11 “Head Cheese”)

Nancy doesn’t seem to have made any changes since her big revelation in the last episode — at least not any changes to herself. She called her old pal Captain Till (I’m still trying to figure out why we saw him in bed with another dude) and decided to give up Guillermo. I don’t disagree with her impulse, as it seems as though Guillermo is importing teenage sex-slaves through the tunnel now, but involving the DEA while she’s sleeping with a Mexican drug kingpin just sounds … ill-advised. But, then again, this is Nancy Botwin we’re talking about. Asking her to make a good decision is like asking Heroes to make sense.

Doug finally found Maria at the end of the last episode, so they’re trying to make a go of it. This brings up an important fact about Doug Wilson: as eminently entertaining as he is to watch on screen, being around that character in any other setting, especially a romantic one, would be horrifying. Maria is probably around my age, so if some dude who’s old enough to be my father took off his pants and told me about his embezzlement, his ex-wife, four children, and uh, genital warts, I’m not exactly sure a love connection would be made. Andy, on the other hand, has said that he wants a girlfriend, has far less baggage than Doug, and already has a rapport with Maria. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if Andy made a play for Maria, or vice-versa, pretty soon.

I do feel kind of sorry for Celia. As much as she’s brought her own problems upon herself, the lady really just cannot catch a break. She finally starts to get into her treatment and seem like she wants to turn her life around, and she gets kicked out of the program and sent across town to deal with scary crack-heads. Meanwhile, it looks like Isabelle is going to be “partying” with Shane and his ladies. This entire thing terrifies me.

Photo Credit: Showtime

Weeds – Time for a Doug/Dean style bomb to be dropped on Pilar

Aryeh S. — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 18:00:51 +0000

Although, I have to say, I would hope it would be a sight better than the bomb the duo, plus Isabelle, dropped on Celia in this past episode of Weeds. Talk about failing to meet expectations — I expected something really awesome from the pair, only to be woefully disappointed by the little sting operation they ran.

First of all, if we’re talking just getting even, with no regard for scale or scope, I suppose scaring her to death and getting her weed succeeded somewhat. But, Celia ripped Silas and Doug off for some grade A, medical-quality weed, buds grown with love by Silas, and known far and wide as some of the finest herb around. In exchange, Doug and Dean got some crap Mexican hash — if I had to guess — and they did it with about as little Doug as we’ve seen this season. Not worth it.

For once, I did enjoy Celia to an extent; her Nancy was okay, particularly Nancy’s way of drinking from a straw. Sure, Celia looked like a very poor imitation, but I suppose it’s the thought that counts.

Over on the other side of the crazy line, Andy’s prepared to propose to Audra? Does the couple in the picture up top look ready for that? I felt a bit sorry for Nancy, though, as I think losing Andy’s affection put her current place in life into a pretty harsh light … how far must you be from the right path if your inappropriate brother-in-law has moved on?

Silas was pretty boring this week, too, as his chivalrousness towards Adelita (Seychelle Gabriel) didn’t really hit the spot. But, hello, Shane did! Talk about stone cold; it must be the gunshot that did it to him, because his time with Ignacio (Hemky Madera) had just left him even more scared than he’d ever been.

Another unexpected reveal was that Cesar has been happily married for 27 years. And he has kids! He sure is full of surprises.

But flashes in the pan did not a good episode make. I was just bored, largely because Nancy was stuck dealing with Esteban’s nonsense (and a surprisingly annoying Andy), while Silas is Doug-less, as was most of the episode.

Of course, the big reveal was that Esteban is back on Pilar’s ticket, angering an already cantankerous Nancy way beyond normal levels. Enough that she was prepared to part with the engagement ring that Judah gave her … not sure where the connection was, and I’d have thought that seeing Esteban for who he really was would have shoved Nancy back in the much-discussed direction of back before all of this happened. Which equals Judah…. Then again, she’s always been playing her own game, on her own field, with her own rules.

I still see the show coming around full-circle to Nancy selling dimes to support her family, but now I really wonder just how far afield everyone will have traveled by that time. Silas is still hovering around normal, but Shane, partly due to simply growing up, is not the little boy that she once worried about. Maybe Sammy will assume that role.

And, then again, maybe everyone’s hurtling towards a life-altering event that will toss them back in time. While rot can never be fully scrubbed away, as long as born-again virgins can exist … well, Nancy’s too far gone for that, but she can always try for abstinence.

Of course, that’s just an analogy — like her stoner family and their weed, Nancy loves her some sex too much for that.

Photo Credit: Showtime

Diary of a Weeds Virgin – Nancy meets Esteban

Kona Gallagher — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 16:00:20 +0000

(Season 4, Episodes 7-9)

Well, we’re halfway through season 4, and I’m freaking out: I’m almost out of episodes! What am I going to do? This batch of episodes saw Nancy re-enter the drug dealing business after her brief hiatus, and we were given a glimpse of some familiar faces, just to have them cruelly snatched away. In episode 7, Sanjay, Lupita, et al. make a return, but are noticeably absent from the next two episodes.

In their place, we have Esteban, the crazy mayor of Tijuana/drug kingpin who gets shot at a lot and has dug a tunnel from Mexico to the U.S. I understand that this hole needs to stay secret, but I feel kind of bad for Andy and Doug, who are shuttling Mexicans across the border the old-fashioned way, instead of just shuttling them into the back room of Nancy’s maternity store.

More than anything else, however, this show has really, truly made me happy that there aren’t any naked pictures of myself in existence.

(Season 4, Episode 7 “Yes I Can”)

This episode is really exciting! We get a lot of the cast back, since Nancy is going back into the drug dealing business. I understand why from a show-standpoint, but I was under the impression that she was going to be paid hand-over-fist just for running the maternity store, so why does she need to start dealing again just to get a second bathroom put in? In any case, we get to see Sanjay and Clinique’s baby, and he’s huge! They also seem to be living together, which should really just be a sitcom spinoff of its own.

So let’s just take a minute and discuss all of the disturbing sex stuff going on in this episode. Silas has moved onto older women and is now apparently greasing himself up and having sex with Julie in her cheese shop (seriously. He is really shiny; in a disturbing way). Shane, meanwhile, is a little young for all of that, so he’s still flying solo. However, he is getting a little help, in the form of naked pictures his dad took of his mom 20 years ago. Okay, that’s hideous, and yet another reason on the very long list of why you do not take naked pictures of yourself, nor allow anyone else to take naked pictures of you. Because… awkward.

Nancy requested a meeting with Esteban after Guillermo told her that he wouldn’t sell her any weed. He has a thing for her, so after a vigorous spanking (Mary-Louise Parker’s ass actually turned red while he was doing it!), he gave her what she wanted. But judging on the way she was admiring his handprint at the end of the episode, it looks like he gave her both of the things she wanted.

(Season 4, Episode 8 “I Am the Table”)

We learn something important in this episode: Esteban has very sharp nails. Either that, or they cut out the scene where he and Nancy were actually having a threesome with his lion. So, Nancy is having crazy, back-scratching sex with the mayor of Tijuana who also happens to be a huge drug kingpin who has tunneled a hole between Mexico and the U.S. Yep, that sounds about as smart as most of Nancy’s decisions.

I love the fact that Doug and Andy have become coyotes. I especially enjoy the fact that Andy is putting his rabbinical teachings to good use and drawing parallels between the Mexicans’ quest and that of the ancient Jews. But, dude. I can’t believe he fed them matzo. In that heat? Have you guys ever had that stuff? It expands in your stomach like whoa. But anyway, he and Doug seem to have a good operation going, with Doug being a minuteman and all. I’m sure it won’t end well, especially since the coyote that Andy shot is on to him.

Silas is also becoming a little entrepreneur himself. Turns out Carol Vessey really doesn’t want to make sandwiches, so she’s renting out the kitchen in her cheese shop for Silas to use as his grow house. Shane is also being as awesome as ever on his first day of school, as he pulls some straight-prison shit on the most popular kid in school, and busts him in the face with a lunch tray. I love that kid.

(Season 4, Episode 9 “Little Boats”)

Let’s talk about Celia for a moment, shall we? She is not doing very well. After spending a fair amount of money on Restylane and Xanax while in Tijuana, she starts countering the effects of all of her downers with some coke, provided by the dude in the back room. Soon she’s sneezing blood all over people and stealing money from the register. Isabelle isn’t around for most of this, and yes, I understand that all of the children on this show are oh, so very mature, but still. Living with a mother like that has to be terrifying. However, it looks as though her problems are going to get Dean back on the show, so that should be fun.

Nancy finds out about Shane’s secret stash of mommy porn, and has a very awkward conversation about it with him. I love the way they did this scene, as they inter-cut her very awkward conversation with Shane with a very awkward conversation with Silas about having sex with a “mother substitute.” Oh. My. God. This whole situation made me wish that my son would never grow up. I cannot handle this. At all.

Nancy and Esteban are seemingly trying to get a relationship going, but being a mayor/drug kingpin means he has to cancel on her a lot. they keep on missing each other, almost to the point where her scratches heal, and then he breaks into her house and puts a lamp on her table. I guess it’s romantic, actually, I know it’s romantic, because Nancy is exactly the type of person who would be really into a dude breaking and entering for her.

Photo Credit: Showtime

Weeds – Celia’s a lesbian

Aryeh S. — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 18:30:58 +0000

Picture this: you’re a fourteen year-old with a strained relationship with the parent of yours whose gender you share. They and your other parent are divorced, and its unclear just how much time you actually spend with said parent any longer. Lots of bad feelings and basis for intense therapy there. Oh, and you’re homosexual, an announcement that didn’t go over so well with this parent.

One day, this parent invites you to a salon, or to play some basketball, or whatever. Over the course of conversation, the purpose of this get-together is revealed — they’re surreptitiously gathering information on being your gender’s type of homosexual. Freaked out yet?

So now you’re roughly nowhere near where Isabelle was last night with Mom Celia, when Celia started pontificating on strap-ons. Holy crap, but didn’t that catch me totally unawares, even though my wife called that that’s what they were doing at the spa. To be honest (and embarrassingly revealing), this situation reminds me of what’s-her-name from Sex and the City who tries going lesbian for a bit; not really a lifestyle decision, is it? But, what to do if you’re Celia, and your “mentor” tells you that she’s “wetter than a slaughterhouse floor?” Geez.

So, we’re way into this post here, and I have yet to say that this episode of Weeds was awesome! I was laughing almost the entire way through, except for maybe the brief instances with Esteban’s daughter, Adelita (Seychelle Gabriel). I’m just gonna put this out there, and then move on: she wishes she could land Silas. I mean, if he wasn’t horney enough to sleep with her regardless, but rather on a “capturing the man he is with her feminine charms” sort of way; she wishes.

Actually, the only rocky part of where we are is the necessity for Esteban’s outside life to play a role (and too little Silas), like the fact that he’s been arrested. Clearly he’s guilty of all charges, but they wouldn’t have mattered had he not been butting heads with Pilar. Now we have to waste time on this, unless Guillermo can get the job done.

Speaking of, Guillermo’s brief scene with Nancy reminded me of exactly what’s great about the character: his ability to charm by being totally bananas. His rant on the AT&T call center up in wherever when talking about how he got out of his contract? Priceless. And how about telling Nancy that they’re “like one of those YouTube videos” where the tiger and the duck forget that they don’t get along … I lost the thread there, but the complete absurdity of it was classic Guillermo.

Quote of note: Gale the protestor’s clarion call after Andy and Audra peal out in Andy’s car: “Fornicators!”

Oh, and how awesome were Doug and Dean together? Seeing Doug sober both totally freaked me out, and also tells me that his character’s clearly been stoned for five seasons. And that his feet are unusually large. Maybe. But that whole spider-goat thing? Totally, ridiculously off-the-wall insane, and awesome.

I don’t know about tigers and ducks, but when a spider and a goat get together and do a friendly tango, the world has officially turned on its head. And I’m loving it.

Photo Credit: Showtime

Diary of a Weeds Virgin – From drug trafficking to human trafficking

Kona Gallagher — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 14:00:03 +0000

(Season 4, Episodes 4-6)

I guess this show still somewhat lives up to its title. Silas is growing pot, after all, and apparently the Mexicans are still smuggling weed into the U.S. through that tunnel. So… there’s that, I guess. But in this batch of episodes, Doug and Andy decide to become Coyotes, and “that tunnel” is a tunnel that runs from Mexico to the back room of a maternity store in an outlet mall. Nothing about any of this makes sense, but I think I like where it’s going.

(Season 4, Episode 4 “Three Coolers”)

So, once again I was wrong. I predicted that the Botwins would come to their senses and realize that suffocating an old woman is not exactly the most humane way to kill her. But, of course, that was faulty logic predicated on the idea that any of these people have any damn common sense. Instead, Nancy killed Bubbie with a Tempurpedic pillow. The whole thing is kind of ridiculous and annoying.

When she’s not busy murdering old ladies, Nancy is busy working for Guillermo. He has her go into the desert and pick up some drugs from the border patrol. Of course, she didn’t know that that was who she was picking up drugs from, so when the lights started flashing, I said that she and Andy had better take their clothes off real quick. That’s basically what happened. They started making out in order to explain what they were doing there in the middle of the night. The point turned out to be moot, but Nancy learned that Andy was a good kisser. I wonder if anything is going to happen between them; it’s a little incestuous, if you ask me.

Celia continues to be an ineffectual DEA agent, getting roped into singing karaoke to earn herself more time to get dirt on Guillermo, and then getting caught by Guillermo’s guys taking pictures outside of their warehouse. Luckily Nancy was making a drop-off at the time, so she’ll be able to save her. But what happens after that? The DEA is after Nancy pretty hardcore, and I don’t think she’ll take Andy’s advice and move to Mexico.

(Season 4, Episode 5 “No Man is Pudding”)

Well, the action I was hoping for happened in this episode. Not only did Andy shoot a Coyote in the knee, but Nancy got a new job, got Captain Till off of her back and figured out a way to get Doug and Celia down into her new digs permanently. All and all, it was a pretty productive episode.

I’m glad the whole DEA thing is over, but it seems like a little bit of a cop out for Nancy to just be able to go to Captain Till and say, “Hey, remember Peter?” and get him to completely back off. Nancy obviously has a way of making things work out in her favor, but that’s a little bit much.

I was really confused by the fact that Guillermo took Nancy off of traffic detail and installed her in that maternity store. She’s getting paid a crapload of money and she’s not running drugs or doing anything other than selling maternity bras to pregnant ladies. I figured that there would be money laundering involved, but instead, it turns out that Maternity World is the end of a hole that has been dug between Tijuana and California. That’s completely insane.

Nancy appears to have moved out of the drug business and moved into the human trafficking business, so it looks like Silas is going to live up to the show’s namesake. He made a grow house in Bubbie’s closet, and despite the fact that it got infested by bees, it seems as though he’s going to make a go of it. This show has changed so much in recent episodes that I honestly don’t know what to think about it right now. I’m looking forward to see where it goes, but it’s a little weird right now.

(Season 4, Episode 6 “Excellent Treasures”)

So I was right about the hole being between America and Mexico, but I was wrong about who was going to be doing the human trafficking. Apparently, whatever is going on in that hole has nothing at all to do with Nancy. In fact, the big boss man is muy pissed that she even went down the hole in the first place. Instead, it’s Andy and Doug who are going to become Coyotes. Their hook is that they’re going to become kind Coyotes, without the price-gauging and raping and whatnot. It sounds like a terrible idea, but I’m sure it will be entertaining in its failure.

Meanwhile, Nancy stupidly spends the entire episode asking about the man in the suit who she saw on the Mexico side of the hole. Her inquiries earn her a bag over the head and a ride to Tijuana in the trunk of a car. She meets the big boss man, who wants to punish her by giving her a “spanking,” but is apparently interrupted by the need to go kill someone. On her way back to the states, Nancy sees a poster for this man with the word “Presidente” on it. Awk. Ward.

I was wondering what was going to happen to Isabelle, since she and Dean stayed behind in Agrestic/Majestic and Celia moved down to the beach. Well it turns out that Isabelle has gone through puberty since we last saw her, and has rightly decided that moving to Detroit with Dean is way worse than living on the beach, even if it is with Celia. So does this mean that Dean is leaving the show too? The way they’ve been sloughing off castmembers lately, it wouldn’t surprise me at all.

Oh, and Julie Bowen is totally going to do it to Silas! Carol Vessey!

Photo Credit: Showtime

Weeds – L’Chaim! Weddings, weed, and Entenmann’s

Aryeh S. — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 17:45:08 +0000

I got an Everybody Loves Raymond chill when Doug squared off against that mouthy Nature Scout on Weeds. What, she can’t share her cookie corner with the newest “You’re Pretty!” salesman? Rude.

It’s official: Celia’s now a drug dealer … is the show coming full circle, to end up with Celia marrying a Mexican drug-kingpin? Or might we luck out and get to see her slaughtered by someone like Guillermo (Guillermo Diaz), a fate that Nancy has thus far escaped? Maybe he’ll throw it in for free when he takes Pilar (Kate del Castillo) out.

And, I feel nothing for Dean (Andy Milder), who couldn’t be dumber for metaphorically getting back into bed with his shrew of an ex. Of course she was going to screw him! Wake up, sucker. What a waste, if that’s what they brought him back for. Hopefully he and Doug have plans for her … that is, after both of their penises heal.

Esteban has nothing to say about Cesar being shot, or being the rat that Pilar had in his organization? Unless he knew (which is possible), I can’t believe this is the same Esteban we first met last season, or even the one we got to know better earlier this year. No, this is an Esteban I can see Nancy loving, which I suppose preempts the question I’ve had: what does Nancy see in Esteban? We never knew Judah, but I think we have enough of a feel for him to wonder how she could love two men so different from one another.

I like the (intentional, or not) tip of the hat to Nacho Libre, what with Ignacio (Hemky Madera) playing the Mexican wrestling dog, or whatever. The movie sucked, but it was a cute bit of color dropped into a show that’s pretty damn good at that sort of thing. I also liked his 70s tux, but the crying was a tad too much; didn’t he beat a guy with his own golf club just a few weeks back?

Dr. Kitson (Alanis Morissette) resorts to stealing medical supplies from the home birthing room that Esteban had built for Nancy that she never used…. Whew! Try saying that 10 times fast. Funny, and good continuing use of her, including her being the doc called in to tend to Shane’s gunshot wound. It’s a hell of a lot better than her dating Andy.

And, while I don’t understand how he can do it in plain sight of his mother, I loved fourteen year-old Shane swigging the vodka after Cesar poured some into his wound, and floating back and forth in the pool yelling about the warm beer he was drinking. That’s the kooky Shane I’ve been missing. I think.

Silas got overlooked a bunch, but maybe his joining the family at Esteban’s house will fix that going forward. Only problem is that Doug isn’t moved in yet, and, so far, neither is Andy. Everyone will eventually follow, and how they get there could be half the fun, but I’m just worrying about yet another wasted week without Silas/Doug.

Things are over-the-top, but not in such a way as to make this season anything less than enjoyable. I’m not digging everything, but I anxiously await Weeds each and every week.

It’s how long until the next episode?

Photo Credit: Showtime

Quotations Marks – Eliot knocks Hardison, Weeds knocks hipocrisy, and FX showrunners knock NBC

Ivey West — Sun, 09 Aug 2009 20:00:03 +0000

Another great quotation week in the world of Television. The great lines weren’t all just on scripted television, as it seemed to be the week of taking shots at NBC, and their … uh … suspect decision making as of late. Can’t say that I blame them. Welcome to the #nbcfail party, boys and girls of FX.

Leverage

“[after explaining how a cell phone is a metal detector] …are you even listening?” – Hardison
“Yeah.” – Eliot
“Well, what did I say?” – Hardison
“You were explaining how you’re still a virgin?” – Eliot

“Skylar? Is that a boy’s name?” – Eliot

The Television Critics Association Press Tour

“They’ve clearly just said, ‘Look, we can’t develop. We can’t develop anything that’s going to stick. We have – clearly can’t find anything with any traction, so we quit.’” – Rescue Me showrunner Peter Tolan on NBC’s new Jay Leno show

“They should take down the American Flag from the building and put up a white one … They’ve given up.” – Tolan again

Burn Notice

“It looks like the sons of the Lucky Charm revolution are gearing up for battle.” – Sam

Warehouse 13

“[after discovering a feather he found allows the holder to walk through walls] Now THIS is one of those artifacts I’d really like to keep.” – Pete

“Use your feminine wiles. Smile. You’re pretty when you smile.” – Pete
“I am?” – Myka
“Yeah.” – Pete
“So what does that mean when I’m not smiling?” – Myka
“Kind of frightening.” – Pete

The Closer

“If Charlie’s going to be staying here, murder is part of the deal.” – Brenda

“Charlie, which would you rather? Museums with Grandma, or schizophrenic murder suspects with your Aunt Brenda?” – Brenda

Weeds

“[after he finished suckling her in the bathroom of a restaurant] You swallowed?” – Nancy
“Yeah, well; I don’t wanna be a hypocrite.” – Andy

Entourage

“I want you to keep an eye on Andrew Klein.” – Ari
“Keep an eye on him how?” – Lloyd
“Pretend he’s Zac Efron’s ball sack.” – Ari

True Blood

“I ain’t never done it before. With a girl I mean.” – Hoyt
“Well what have you done it with?” – Jessica

“Hugo, do me a favor. Just shut the fuck up.” – Sookie

“Say a prayer. You are going to hell, and you are going there today.” – Steve Newlin to Jason

And selections from the Virgin Diaries

House, M.D.

“TB is my disease” – Dr. Sebastian Charles
“You own a disease? I’m sorry I missed the IPO on dengue.” – House

“You know the difference between our jobs is not numbers or styles. It’s that I know I’m going to fail. Even if I save a million people there’s going to be another million. You couldn’t handle that. I think you resent anyone who can.” – Charles

“It’s not the size of the muscle, it’s where you get to put it.” – Mark

Six Feet Under

“We’ve been clutching so desperately to the past, and for what?” – David
“Because that’s when there was hope.” – Ruth

“Ruth, it isn’t the ’50s anymore. No matter how you dress.” – Margaret

“Oh, I wanna take a picture of everyone.” – Claire
“You can’t take a picture of this. It’s already gone.” – Nate

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

“Okay, let’s not say something we’ll all regret later, okay?” – Xander
“Crazy freak!” – Cordelia
“Vapid whore!” – Buffy
“Like that.” – Xander

“I don’t even get why you care about Homecoming when you’re doing stuff like this.” – Cordelia
“Because this is all I do. This is what my life is. You couldn’t understand. I just thought … Homecoming Queen. I could pick up a yearbook someday and say, I was there. I went to high school, I had friends, and, for one moment, I got to live in the world. And there’d be proof, proof that I was chosen for something other than this. Besides, [pumps the rifle] I look cute in a tiara.” – Buffy

“I don’t get this. The candy’s supposed to make you feel all immature and stuff, but I’ve had a ton and I don’t feel any diff- never mind.” – Xander

“[to Angel and Buffy] You’re not friends. You’ll never be friends. You’ll be in love ’til it kills you both. You’ll fight, and you’ll shag, and you’ll hate each other ’til it makes you quiver, but you’ll never be friends. Love isn’t brains, children, it’s blood — blood screaming inside you to work its will. I may be love’s bitch, but at least I’m man enough to admit it.” – Spike

Photo Credit: TNT

Diary of a Weeds Virgin – Season 4 begins with Nancy caught in traffic

Kona Gallagher — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 16:00:27 +0000

(Season 4, Episodes 1-3)

After the season finale, I was expecting more of an earth-shattering premiere than what we got. Instead, we have everyone in Agrestic/Majestic pretty much going on with their lives (in FEMA-approved hotel rooms). Well, except for Celia, that is, who has gotten an amazing prison makeover, courtesy of everyone being completely awesome and selling her out to the DEA. The first three episodes are good, with the premiere being especially hilarious, but they haven’t been quite as action-packed as the last several from season three. Hopefully we’re working up to it.

(Season 4, Episode 1 “Mother Thinks the Birds Are After Her”)

This episode didn’t exactly have any major revelations, but got back to its comedy roots. In fact, it was hilarious. There was no time lapse between it and the season 3 finale; we pick up with Celia being questioned by Peter’s old boss about the grow house they had discovered. Celia, being a total bitch, of course gave up Nancy immediately. Unfortunately for her, being a total bitch made everybody else tell the DEA that she was the actual boss. The whole interview process was pretty amazing — I laughed all the way through it.

Back with the Botwins, they’re on a road trip to the coast to start their new life. They make a pit stop at Bubbie’s (Judas and Andy’s grandmother) house, and we get to meet Andy’s dad, played by Albert Brooks. It took me a few minutes to recognize him, because he’s pretty grey and disheveled, but is also amazing. He calls Andy “Not Judah” because he’s not sure he’s his and “wants to keep an emotional distance.” He also drinks Franzia and is an irredeemable gambler. All and all, he’s going to be a great character on this show.

As Andy correctly points out, they’re not where they are because of the clean air: Nancy has a plan. She’s working with Guillermo to start trafficking drugs over the border. Because, you know, the drug dealing thing went so well, that obviously she’s prepared for the infinitely more dangerous world of fucking drug trafficking. But, hey. If Nancy weren’t a complete idiot, then we really wouldn’t have a show at all.

(Season 4, Episode 2 “Lady’s a Charm”)

Let me just get the thing I hated about this episode out of the way: I don’t like stuff having to do with bodily functions unless it’s completely necessary. We didn’t need to see Nancy maneuver her way into the back seat to pee, and we certainly didn’t need to hear it in real time. But above all else, we didn’t need to have that scene inter-cut with Shane stuffing his Bubbie’s shitty diaper into a diaper pail and getting it everywhere. The pee thing at least came back later in the episode when we find out that Guillermo was taping Nancy, but the diaper thing was just gross and pointless.

Moving on.

Nancy has her first job for Guillermo: going to Tijuana to get inhalers. She fails. In addition to having to pee in the car, the border patrol confiscates the inhalers because she didn’t buy a prescription at la farmacia for fifteen bucks. However, she still got five grand for the job. They’re doing dry runs now to prepare for the actual trafficking, so it seems as though it’s going to be a little bit of time before she’s actually smuggling drugs across the border.

This is probably good for Nancy, because it seems as though the jig is almost up for her. Celia is still currently rotting away in jail, and may or may not be her cell mate’s “special friend.” However, it looks as though her incarceration may be coming to an end, as there is surveillance footage of Nancy and Guillermo at the border. It seems as though the fact that they’re only doing dry runs now may be the only thing that saves Nancy.

(Season 3, Episode 3 “The Whole Blah Damn Thing”)

Celia is now an honorary DEA agent, but she’s pretty ineffectual so far. She managed to find Nancy’s house and saw Guillermo give Nancy the money for his drugs and his cousin. Unfortunately, instead of using a cell phone camera like a normal person, she used a crappy disposable and didn’t get pictures of anything. Regardless, Nancy has moved on to smuggling actual drugs, so the whole thing I said before about the fact that she’s just doing dry runs will save her is obviously false. I’m just curious about how the show is going to either get her back to Agrestic/Majestic or get Doug, Celia et al to the coast. They can’t have them living apart for much longer, right?

In other non-drug news, Bubbie has expressed her desire to die. Shane and Andy think that following her wishes is the humane thing to do, and they manage to convince Lenny of this fact. Nancy is nominated to be the one who actually pulls the plug, which she does. The ventilator has a backup, however, so Bubbie keeps on breathing, at which point Nancy tells Shane to get her a pillow. Have these people seriously not considered the fact that a huge dose of morphine might be a nicer way to escort Bubbie to the great beyond? I agree with their idea of Euthanasia, but suffocating to death isn’t exactly the nicest way to go. I guess we’ll find out soon enough if that’s how they kill her, or if they come to their senses.

Photo Credit: Showtime

Weeds – Getting shot counterbalances the sissiness of a yeast infection

Aryeh S. — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 04:00:02 +0000

Andy suckling Nancy, while seated on a toilet, went over the top and spilled into nothingness for me. No, I’m not a doomsayer, and I didn’t feel the downward pull of gravity tonight on Weeds, but some things are just a little too much.

And then Shane got shot. It’s clearly nothing more than a flesh wound, but the violence that Nancy invited into her family’s life has finally come home to roost. This is worse than Silas opening the cheese shop, or Shane getting shaken down by his teacher; Esteban’s presence in her front lawn got her son shot.

Will it a be a wake-up call?

Pregnancy and birth have dragged some normalcy back to Weeds, and Nancy, this season. I’m not seeing house-mom selling dime bags, but Nancy has been more of a mother, even as her two sons are both essentially out of the house. In fact, they’ve spun so far out of the nest, that I was all set to name this post, “Silas punched Dean in the mouth on Weeds,” to honor said son, doing said thing, to said whipped lawyer.

And, how whipped is Dean (Andy Milder)? He’s helping his cheating, shrew of an ex-wife, Celia, start what sounds like a drug-dealing pyramid. Shame that there’s no more supply after all’s been sold….

Which drives Doug into the warm, heaving embrace of “You’re Pretty” cosmetics. For some reason, I can imagine him, wild-eyed, smearing red lipstick across his lips and onto his cheeks. Wanna buy a case?

Does he plan to leave Silas behind, or did I pick up some insight in Doug’s eyes as they spoke to Celia? Either way, the pair were missed this episode. There was a bit of quality time between a new couple, however: Shane and Andy.

Shane’s lady-friends gave him a cursory chlamydia check, but it was cool Uncle Andy who took Shane to the doctor (was that Selma from Big Love?), only to discover that it was not a to-be-proud-of venereal disease, but rather … a yeast infection? Like, for the ladies?

Which brings us right back to the beginning. With his street cred waning, Shane’s lucky he took that shot meant for Esteban in the arm. Dead might not have added much to his swagger, but a nice bullet wound should bring them running in droves. Sweet.

Oh, and Andy? How about a nice send-off:

Nancy, to Andy, after he finished suckling her in the bathroom of a restaurant – “You swallowed?” Andy – “Yeah, well; I don’t wanna be a hypocrite.”

Photo Credit: Showtime

Diary of a Weeds Virgin – Where will everyone go?

Kona Gallagher — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 16:00:48 +0000

(Season 3, Episodes 13-15)

I’ve got to say one thing for the Weeds folks: they keep you on your toes. I like how they seem to almost reboot the series at the end of every season. They change the dynamics enough to keep it interesting. After watching the season 3 finale, I have no idea what they’re going to do in season 4, or who is even still going to be around. While this season finale wasn’t quite the nail-biter that the last one was, I’m still really excited about digging into season 4.

(Season 3, Episode 13 “Risk”)

I talked last time about how surprising that batch of episodes was, and things just continue to get more and more weird in this one. Not only are Nancy and Conrad sleeping together, it appears as though they’re trying to have some sort of relationship. He made her a fruit plate. A fruit plate! If that’s not love, I don’t know what is. It can’t end well, because nothing ever will for Nancy; I just hope Conrad is the one who ends things. He’s too awesome to get hurt by her.

Celia isn’t content to just collect her $15,000 a month in rent; she wants to be one of the cool kids, too. She asks Conrad to put her to work, and she and Heylia end up bonding over hot flashes. Those are two scary ladies, and I hope they become best friends. Celia needs more of an outlet for her evil tendencies.

It’s no secret that Nancy is a shitty mom, but I’m pretty sure she actually gets the award for Worst. Mom. Ever. this time. Not only does she get Silas beaten up by a biker gang, but her neglect has caused Shane to have a complete mental break. He’s become so worried over the fact that his mother has become a drug kingpin, and regularly puts their life in danger, that he’s not only become obsessed with Pittsburgh, but he’s started having conversations with his dead father. Once again, I’m still having a hard time figuring out exactly what Nancy’s reasons for not just moving her family away are.

(Season 3, Episode 14 “Protection”)

God, Nancy is so bad at life. I mean, she’s good in that luck always seems to eventually go her way, but bad in every other way possible. Instead of shitting her pants, which is what I believe I would do if my son started seeing his dead father, she went immediately into denial mode and pretty much just ignored the problem. Sure, she sent Andy in to talk to him about it, but refused to actually send him to a shrink, in case he “talks about what mommy does for a living.” Jesus.

Instead of dealing with Shane’s breakdown, Nancy concentrated on dealing with the biker gang who kicked Silas’ ass. Instead of attempting, well, anything really, she went back to the Mexicans and gave them 50% of her business so they would protect her. So basically, since Silas got his ass kicked, Southern California is burning to the ground … because the Mexicans torched the bikers’ grow field, and the Santa Ana winds turned it into a wildfire. Nancy is ruining the world.

She’s also continuing her affair with Conrad, and Heylia totally walked in on them kissing, so that can’t be good. I’m not really sure that Heylia has a whole lot of power over them still, so I don’t know what she can really do, but she’s scary; I’m sure she’ll think of something.

(Season 3, Episode 15 “Go”)

So … no more Agrestic/Majestic? That’s weird. I’m not sad to see the creepy Jesus town go, but what is everyone going to do? Nancy should pack up her family and move far, far away, but since she’s Nancy, she’s just going to do something stupid - like get into drug trafficking. She sucks as a drug dealer. Why on earth does she think getting involved with a Mexican gang, and starting a career in drug trafficking, makes any sense whatsoever?

Especially since Doug and his stupid cross is about to get her in trouble with the DEA. They found the grow house because of it, and because Nancy was dumb enough to get stupid Celia involved, Captain Till knows pretty much everything. She may have burned down her house, but I don’t think that’s going to be nearly enough to get her out from under this mess she’s once again gotten herself into.

Nancy Botwin is a straight-up idiot, but I’m totally hooked on what’s going to happen to her next. Season 3 brought a lot of changes, and it seems like Season 4 is going to be an entirely different show; perhaps with different cast members. I’m trying not to look too closely on IMDB, but it seems as though we may be losing Heylia, et al. I know Mary-Kate Olsen doesn’t come back; Matthew Modine is pretty much gone … but I’m not sure about Conrad. It seemed as though they could have been paving the way for his exit, as well, but I’m not sure. I do know, however, that Doug and Celia stay, so that’s all that matters to me. Especially because Doug is the most amazing banjo player/singer ever. I hope he starts a band next season with Steve Martin.

Photo Credit: Showtime

Weeds – A bris and just saying so don’t make you Jewish

Aryeh S. — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 22:00:23 +0000

The theme of this weeks episode of Weeds was a struggle for patriarchal claim to Nancy’s new baby. Yes, it’s Esteban’s kid (we’re assuming Nancy didn’t have multiple suitors at that point in time), but Nancy’s luck, and Esteban’s mysterious female backer, Pilar (Kate del Castillo), all dictate that it not be so. At least not on paper.

To where should Nancy turn? Why, to Andy, her brother-in-law, and gentleman-caller scorned; who else? Part of me wants to say that what pushed Andy to Nancy’s number one choice is their shared surname … is that too cynical of me?

The sad truth this season is, if it weren’t for Nancy’s user-y nature, Andy may have fled long ago. Her need to take advantage has kept him in the picture. Bad for him, but good for us.

There must have been a hiatus between the shooting of this episode and the last, because Andy’s beard, pre-shaving (what have you done?), looked very much like that of a rabbi. Last week he was a homeless Amish man. Weird. Oh, and did I miss something between him and Dr. Kitson (Alanis Morissette)? I wasn’t left with the impression that she would necessarily have even recognized him if she saw him again.

No surprise that she’s past him in life, but did the woman have to be so cold? Andy may be a man-child, but he’s a perfectly nice guy; I don’t think he deserved to be body-checked to the ground, is all. And, clearly, with his all “I’m in love with you, Nancy,” thing, his “fatherhood,” and his budding relationship with Audra (Morissette), there’s gonna be some trouble a-brewing. Cat fight, anyone? Maybe in front of that abortion clinic, with the lone protester cheering them on?

It seems as if Dean (Andy Milder) is back to stay, although how that man can have so little self-respect, as to have anything to do with Celia again, is beyond me. Stand up for yourself, whimp! She’s a black hole into which pieces of the show keep falling. Even if you do enjoy her, compare Dean’s scene with Silas and Doug (he actually put his penis in that drawer!), to his scene with Celia; Doug gave Dean no less of a nasty tongue-lashing than Celia did, but I laughed at the former … Celia just made me annoyed. And that Dean would jump on the Celia bandwagon by stealing from Doug and Silas? The man deserves his turn in the top drawer.

Who had money on the return of Lupita (Renee Victor)? Man, did she dive right back in where she left off. Nancy was always the employee in that relationship. Nice throwback, although it also could have been an opening for a new character, or the extension of one we already know, like Su-Su-Sucio as “manny.” I know he’s dead … I’m just saying.

I somehow manage to enjoy the fact that this show, this dark and destructive comedy, drunkenly staggers into Judaism every now and again. A bris for the baby … why not? Andy on the bima at his Bar Mitzvah … sure! It’s not like he’s even remotely of Jewish lineage, or anything. And yet it’s all done in an amusing, while not insulting, way.

The baby’s name is “Avi Melech.” Traditionally that’s a one-word name, but I doubt he’ll be called much else besides “Steven Ray,” the English version. The point was, “Melech,” like “Reyes,” Esteban’s last name, means king. It was a nod to daddy, by Nancy. I’m not sure you want to get into a custody/visitation battle with a Mexican drug-kingpin, but maybe that’s just me. Besides, her angry demeanor aside, its obvious that Nancy’s ready to jump onto Esteban’s go-kart just as soon as he stands up to Pilar. Sucks for Andy. As usual.

I’m not much of a quoter, but two things stuck:

“Because you’d eat them? And children are fattening?” – Nancy, to Pilar, after the latter asked if Nancy knew why she, Pilar, never had any children.

After the bris, Silas and the rabbi/mohel chat: Silas – “What do you practice on?” Rabbi – “Goyim.”

Photo Credit: Showtime

Diary of a Weeds Virgin – Nancy gets blackmailed a lot

Kona Gallagher — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 16:00:39 +0000

(Season 3, Episodes 10-12)

Between a PI shakedown, and having to hold a knife to Celia’s throat after she also tried to blackmail her, Nancy does not exactly have a ton of friends. She’s still sleeping with Sullivan, which is gross, but then quickly moves onto … Conrad? I definitely didn’t think that would happen at all. So basically, this batch of episodes was full of surprises.

(Season 3, Episode 10 “Roy Till Called”)

Finally! I’m not completely insane! I’ve been saying for 9 episodes that the fact that Nancy sent in her marriage certificate was going to come into play, and she was going to get her money. I also said that she should not be a selfish bitch and give it to Peter’s kid (even though that kid suuuucks). Well, finally, in episode 10, all of that happened.

Well, not really. Nancy did get a check for $119,000, plus Peter’s pension checks, but she didn’t exactly give it to Val. Val demanded it, however. It turns out she’s behind on her bills and desperately needs the money. Unfortunately, Doug needs it a bit more, as he stole $50,000 from Agrestic in order to fund the weed business, and another $50,000 to pay for his divorce lawyer and some laser eye surgery. Nancy gives the money to Doug, and Val has an absolute shit fit about it. I understand why Val is pissed, but Peter was an asshole. Regardless of Nancy’s involvement, did she really think that she would get anything from him?

So Val isn’t the only person whose life Nancy is ruining. Poor Celia (something I never thought I’d say) has to change her ex-husband’s diapers, and now finds out that Nancy is boning her boyfriend. I still don’t understand why Nancy is sleeping with Sullivan in the first place – other than it’s just easy. Celia adores him though and sees him as her only escape from her shitty life. So, yeah. It probably sucks a whole bunch to get dressed up to surprise him, only to see him bending Nancy over a desk. I do enjoy evil Celia, so I can only hope that she decides to take revenge.

(Season 3, Episode 11 “Cankles”)

First Celia got screwed, now it’s poor Doug. It seems that maybe he was high when he voted to push the referendum through that made Agrestic part of Majestic, because it ended up with the entire Agrestic city council losing their jobs. I’m only hoping that this ends up with a Doug-led coup to take over Majestic. Who wants an entire town led by Jesus freaks? Especially when the alternative is an entire town led by Doug? Come on.

After a brief, shiny moment in which she was actually making money and things were going well, Nancy’s life continues its downhill slide. First, Val hires Charlie Crews’ ex-partner to spy on her, then he shakes her down. Nancy gives him the money, but then basically tells Val that since she didn’t trust her, her kid can suck it. I understand why she’s pissed at Val, and she does have a legal right to that money, but Nancy is the reason that Peter is dead, so I don’t know how I feel about all of this.

Celia is busy finding out all sorts of things: Not only does she know about Nancy and Sullivan, but she’s putting the pieces together regarding Nancy’s business; namely, that Doug and her husband are involved. She even visited Heylia to try and get more information. She doesn’t know much yet, but I can only imagine that this is going to be an amazing revenge plan.

(Season 3, Episode 12 “The Dark Time”)

So this came out of nowhere. I was not expecting this episode to end with Nancy and Conrad having sex. It really came out of nowhere, as these situations often do, I suppose. All I could think about is how awkward it must have been to film that scene. Conrad was right up in there, and the camera was right up on his naked ass. That’s going to be uncomfortable around the parents.

In other news, Doug is beginning his reign of terror against Majestic, but hasn’t done anything too spectacular yet. He ripped the cross off of the town church, which warranted a middle-of-the-night visit from Sullivan, wielding a golf club. He smashed Doug’s bong and warned him not to fuck with him, but somehow I doubt that’s going to stop Doug. After all, he pretty much has nothing to live for right now.

Celia hasn’t really made much headway with her revenge plan, but her other plan, to get a cut of Nancy’s action, has actually worked out a little bit for her. The fire department had to inspect the grow house, so Nancy is renting Celia’s house for a while until things calm down. I’m not much of a drug kingpin or anything, but somehow getting your entire town involved in your drug operation doesn’t seem to be a good idea. You’re not raising a barn, for Christ’s sake. Perhaps a little more discretion should be in order. Call me crazy.

Photo Credit: Showtime

Weeds – And baby makes … wait, what’s the count at now?

Aryeh S. — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 22:00:59 +0000

Before getting into anything else, I have to tell you the news: we’ve broken through to the man! That’s right; we’re currently being linked to from Showtime’s very own Weeds site! Check it out down in the “Word on the Web” section, at the bottom of the page. Good work, everybody!

Okay, so this week’s episode of Weeds wasn’t so much funny, as it was a culmination of things, and a beginning of others. While respecting that as a legitimate option for a series, every once in a while, I still rely on Weeds for a lot of laughs, week in and week out. A dry episode leaves me wanting for seven more days, which is kind of frustrating.

Esteban revealed to Nancy that his mystery visitor at the end of last episode was a very powerful woman, who is helping him realize his ambitions. Okay … so he builds a home birthing-room, and expects Nancy to stay undercover. I assume it’s so that mystery lady won’t discover that Esteban ignored her instructions, but still … crazy much?

Which leads to the inevitable Nancy making a break for it, with Andy’s help. I’m getting really creeped out by Andy’s continued attempts to pick up his sister-in-law (and by his beard, but that’s different). Doesn’t he feel any sense of restraint? We did get a glimpse of old Andy, when he vomited out Nancy’s entire saga to old gynecologist, Alanis Morissette’s Dr. Kitson. It was a rather hilarious, and stunning, cohesive summary of what’s befallen Nancy these past nine months, or so. Now that’s the Andy we know and love.

I was waiting for Nancy to introduce Esteban to their new son, Judah Reyes. Cute, right? I don’t know; I think this will seriously alter a lot of the flow of the show. At least, I fear it might. One of Nancy’s characteristics has always been her ability to flee, to move on and start over.

How to do that when you need to stop and feed your baby every two hours? Then again, Nancy being forced to be a mom could be what many of us have been looking for in her: compassion, a heart, grounding in this universe. It’s too early to tell where it’s going.

Silas and Doug’s story hit a bit of a conclusion, of sorts, what with CP (Larry Joe Campbell) landing in jail, and all. I don’t see it as the end of their miseries, but maybe it will wake them up to the fact that one needn’t bribe anyone in order to run a legal business. And, I’ll tell you a secret: I got very nervous when the pair argued and seemed to verbally dissolve their partnership.

These two are my sustenance, my tall drink of water. Sure, the only funny came when Doug didn’t seem to remember who CP was (totally believable), but we know how much funny has, and will, come from the pair; losing that would be a crime. Having Dean (Andy Milder) come in to help repair the rift was a great way to cycle a solid character back in. Now we’ll see if he has any longevity.

I’m getting no enjoyment out of Celia’s story, but I know that many of you are, so I’m okay with its being around for that reason. I did appreciate that my question regarding Isabelle’s (Allie Grant) lesbianism was addressed … she’s getting back to the business of the ladies. I always thought it was in poor form, but it should at least be maintained.

So, yeah, not a lot of laughs this week, but definitely some roads closed, with others starting to become discernible along the path. What’s next is a question that can be asked about each and every character on the show. Well, at least that keeps things interesting.

Hell, who knows … maybe they’ll all get back to selling weed? Anyone?

Photo Credit: Showtime

See Jane Clack – Weeds vs. Hung vs. Breaking Bad

Jane Boursaw — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 22:00:10 +0000

While pondering a topic for this week’s See Jane Clack, I was struck by the number of shows featuring characters who turn to unscrupulous or illegal means to make a living. These are tough times, but would I turn to selling pot, prostituting myself, or becoming a drug kingpin to make a living? Probably not. I’m too much of a chicken.

Still … with a family to feed, and no other immediate way to pay the mortgage and buy groceries, some of these options do have their appeal.

These folks are not that much different from the rest of us. Their connecting link is that they’ve all experienced a life trauma that’s made them desperate, and/or fearless. It’s stuff that could happen to any one of us. Lives and luck can turn in a split second.

Breaking Bad’s Walter White started out as a chemistry teacher, who was given two years to live, thanks to a diagnosis of Stage III cancer. Maybe he figured he wasn’t going to live anyway, so why not just dive into a life of crime and make sure his family is secure after his death?

Hung’s Ray Drecker is a down-and-out high school basketball coach. After his wife leaves him, and his house burns down, he figures, what the heck? Why not use his best asset to try and turn things around? Blame it on a self-help seminar where he starts to view that particular body part differently. It’s not just a cool thing for a guy to have; it could be a moneymaking machine.

And then there’s Weeds‘ Nancy Botwin. When her husband dies, leaving her to raise her kids alone in suburbia, selling pot seems like a viable option. Sure, she’s gone down a path of no return now, having burned her house down, moved south, and gotten herself impregnated with a Mexican drug lord’s baby. But let’s face it. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Check out my Weeds reviews over at TV Squad.

I look forward to your thoughts on these shows and characters. Would YOU turn to illegal means to support your family? And what other shows am I missing with similar storylines?

Photo Credit: Showtime

Diary of a Weeds virgin – Nancy is a crazy stalker lady

Kona Gallagher — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 19:30:42 +0000

(Season 3, Episodes 7-9)

The Agrestic/Majestic merger is chugging along, but I’m still unclear as to what exactly Agrestic is getting out of the deal. In any case, it looks as though Doug is going to put a stop to it. In other news, Nancy, while previously an idiot is becoming simply confounding. She does quite a few things in this episode that just boggle my tiny little mind. I will say, however, that it is making her character become much more interesting to me.

(Season 3, Episode 7 “He Taught Me How To Drive By”)

Oh, that’s the old Nancy I’ve come to know and loathe. I’m definitely skeeved out by the fact that she got naked for her boss, Sullivan. I understand that she wanted to celebrate being out from under all of the drug dealers, but to celebrate by getting under him? That’s pretty gross. Nancy, however, did manage to make a good decision this episode: she got rid of the trunk of heroin! I didn’t actually think she’d do it; I assumed she’d try to make some money from it somehow. Now that she’s been banned from the drug trade, though, I’m wondering what her next move is.

So Peter popped back up in an awkward way this episode. Agrestic got a crapload of rain, and Nancy’s beloved husband seems poised to make a reappearance. This is what I’ve been waiting for throughout this first half-dozen episodes. I want to see what happens when people realize Peter is dead and that Nancy is his widow. I still think his estate is going to come into play, but now that Nancy is out from under everyone’s thumb, it doesn’t seem like she needs a quick infusion of cash, so I don’t know.

(Season 3, Episode 8 “The Two Mrs. Scottsons”)

Well, at least it wasn’t Nancy who pushed Peter over the edge and made him into the worst DEA agent ever. It turns out he and his belching partner spent a lot of their time skimming money and whatnot, so the DEA is basically staying as far away from his murder as possible. It seems as though Nancy is off the hook as far as any involvement goes, so I’m having a hard time figuring out why she’s stalking Peter’s first wife. Is she just trying to see what she’s like? How she’s doing? Is she trying to find out some sort of information? I don’t understand it at all.

I like how Shane and Isabelle are finally hanging out. Poor Shane needs someone more appropriate than Kat with whom he can spend time and share his feelings.

I also love what they did with Celia and Sullivan. I thought she was simply playing hard to get, but it turns out she’s very self-conscious about her reconstructed breasts. I noticed that she always had a shirt on during her sex scenes with Doug, but I thought that was more so Elizabeth Perkins could be comfortable, not so Celia would be. The scene where she’s standing naked in front of the mirror was quite jarring.

(Season 3, Episode 9 “Release the Hounds”)

So I guess Nancy just wanted to be friends with Peter’s ex? I can understand the curiosity, but it’s still kind of weird to me. Also weird is the fact that it hasn’t come out that Nancy and Peter were married. Is it going to come out, or am I completely wrong in thinking it was actually an issue? Once again, I’m very confused.

Hell hath no fury like a stoner accountant denied his golf membership. Sullivan stupidly revoked Doug’s, and Doug repays him by poking a hole in the shit highway, spewing refuse everywhere. I do admire Doug’s Mafia-like belief in revenge, but I have a feeling that this may not end well for him and definitely won’t end well for Celia. I still think there’s something even shadier about Sullivan than even the shady stuff we’ve seen already, so I’ll be interested to see how that plays out.

I’m not in love with the whole Dean motorcycle accident thing, because I have absolutely no interest in he and Celia living together again. Both of those characters work much better as single people. I do, however, love the fact that Andy and Doug totally bogarted his morphine drip. They’re really just awful, awful people, aren’t they?

Photo Credit: Showtime

CliqueClack TV » Weeds

Diary of a Weeds Virgin – When I finish season 5, I’ll no longer be a virgin!

Related posts

Quotation Marks – Butt cheeks, Buffy’s Graduation, and a yunkie

Related posts

Diary of a Weeds Virgin – Season 4 ends, and Nancy does not redeem herself

Related posts

Weeds – Shane gets into Pilar’s head

Related posts

The Week Ahead – Rescue Me and Weeds go, but Greek returns

Related posts

Diary of a Weeds Virgin – Threesomes, hallucinogens, and rehab

Related posts

Weeds – Time for a Doug/Dean style bomb to be dropped on Pilar

Related posts

Diary of a Weeds Virgin – Nancy meets Esteban

Related posts

Weeds – Celia’s a lesbian

Related posts

Diary of a Weeds Virgin – From drug trafficking to human trafficking

Related posts

Weeds – L’Chaim! Weddings, weed, and Entenmann’s

Related posts

Quotations Marks – Eliot knocks Hardison, Weeds knocks hipocrisy, and FX showrunners knock NBC

Related posts

Diary of a Weeds Virgin – Season 4 begins with Nancy caught in traffic

Related posts

Weeds – Getting shot counterbalances the sissiness of a yeast infection

Related posts

Diary of a Weeds Virgin – Where will everyone go?

Related posts

Weeds – A bris and just saying so don’t make you Jewish

Related posts

Diary of a Weeds Virgin – Nancy gets blackmailed a lot

Related posts

Weeds – And baby makes … wait, what’s the count at now?

Related posts

See Jane Clack – Weeds vs. Hung vs. Breaking Bad

Related posts

Diary of a Weeds virgin – Nancy is a crazy stalker lady

Related posts