CliqueClack TV » How I Met Your Mother

Is sitcom quality limited by a finite amount of available humor?

Aryeh S. — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 17:30:59 +0000

Or, put another way, is there only so much funny out there in TV land that if another success story shows up, or something already on the air gets better, everything else is destined to get worse?

Maybe it’s that as individual viewers we’re only allotted so much laughing in a week. I don’t know which is the case … all I know is that, week in and week out, some of my favorite sitcoms are consistently falling flat.

Let’s look at my network comedy viewings for the week. On Sundays, I tee things off with The Simpsons and Family Guy, but they’re both more shows to watch while doing something else. I’ve been catching The Simpsons for years now, but I think it’s loyalty more than enjoyment that keeps me coming back. Plus it’s not offensive, so nothing’s really pushing me to cancel that season pass (although it was borderline distasteful how bad the movie was). And Family Guy? I like Stewie and the evil monkey.

Mondays we move on to How I Met Your Mother. Now, I’m a believer in Barney and Robin as a couple, but, eerily coincidentally, ever since they got together at the beginning of this season, I’ve barely found anything to laugh at on what was once one of my favorite shows. Maybe it’s the new jiggering of things that was required to have them dating, but episode after episode has just gotten worse for me, culminating in an abomination last week with Barney in a fat suit. Debbie and I are definitely watching different shows.

But jump ahead to Wednesday night. Where did The Middle come from? And Modern Family’s not too bad itself. Strong concepts, talented casts, and writers who know how to craft a joke, or a funny situation. I know that others have found the same to applaud on Cougar Town, but I think I actually liked Hank better (and I definitely preferred Joey), so that should give you a pretty good picture of where that one resides for me.

And then on Thursday, while The Office is struggling for me, 30 Rock is showing some strength, with the right mix of characters balancing out the weaker, now less prevalent ones. Which, to me, is like Thursday went and sat itself down on its head. What planet am I on?

(Oh, and nothing to do with nothing, but I’ve caught a few of this season’s episodes of Parks and Recreation and Community on Hulu, and I’m still waiting for something to make me crack a smile.)

But back to my point — it could also be that the balance isn’t being helped any by the fact that shows like Castle and NCIS, to name but two, are funny as well, thus further diluting the week’s quota of ha ha. Or maybe it’s just some unseen-by-us-viewers seesaw that’s being ridden by the stars of two shows, like Patricia Heaton on one end and Neil Patrick Harris on the other; we don’t know about it, but when Heaton’s the heavy, Harris is flailing in the air (come to think of it, he was mostly MIA during the Everybody Loves Raymond years … something to that theory, maybe?).

Or this could all be due to any number of other factors or theories. The moral of the story, however, is that they all lead back to the same conclusion: I’m just not laughing with my television like I once did. Anybody else out there feeling the same?

Photo Credit: CBS

How I Met Your Mother … and Barney’s back!

Debbie McDuffee — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 02:03:04 +0000

“If you fall for that one, my heart breaks for you, but I’m sorry, you’re a Smoron.” – Robin about Barney’s SNASA playbook entry

Last weeks episode of How I met Your Mother ended with a simple, two-word promise: “Daddy’s home.” And home he is, because tonight, Barney’s back. I won’t say he’s better than ever, because I don’t actually have any quotable lines from this episode, but he’s ripe with the Barneyisms we all love and Barney’s in full form — no pesky Robin scars to make him a changed man.

I couldn’t have been happier with the way this episode unfolded. We had the Bays-Thomas non-linear storytelling, a Barney-centric episode and more catch-phrases than you could fit into, well … a playbook.

Instead of mooning over Robin for several episodes — which we didn’t need since we saw Barney castrated for most of this season already — Barney jumps right back into the game, a game which he’s been recording for posterity’s sake … and for this post, because how could I not list them all?

The MILTSWANCAs (Mothers I’d Like To Sleep With And Never Call Again) — Not technically an entry in the playbook, I couldn’t leave this out because it was the first Barneyism to catch my attention tonight. Funny stuff, the likes of which have been missing as Ted and Marshall tried to coin the catch-phrase of the episode all season.
The Don’t Drink That
The Mrs. Stinsfire
The SNASA — secret NASA … you’ve heard of it, right?
The Cheap Trick
The He’s Not Coming
The Ted Mosby
The My Penis Grants Wishes
The Scuba Diver
And last, but definitely not least, The Lorenzo Von Matterhorn. If you haven’t cruised on over to the Wikipedia page yet, you’re too late — the wiki-police apparently watch How I Met Your Mother, because it’s gone. Fear not, for here’s a handy screen shot of the full Wikipedia page, for posterity. You can also check out the MySpace page mentioned in that article, Extremities Quarterly, and the BigBusinessJournal piece on him.

Do I need to mention that it looks like Robin will get a new boyfriend? Not sure if she’ll be married in six months, but she certainly took to Don right away.

Are you psyched that Barney’s back?

Photo Credit: CBS

Ratings Clack – Should FOX switch Fringe and Lie To Me?

Brett Love — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 17:00:23 +0000

After the dramatic entrance of V last week, there were no similar big splash stories to lead things off this week. Then, as I was perusing the year-ago numbers, something occurred to me. It’s quite possible that FOX could improve both Monday and Thursday at 9:00 if they swapped Fringe and Lie To Me. If you look back to the initial Fringe run, it had a lot of success following House. In fact, while the House numbers are virtually unchanged from Tuesday to Monday, Fringe was holding much more of the House audience on Tuesday than Lie To Me currently is on Monday.

Example:
11/18/08: House (13.03m/5.5), Fringe (9.36m/4.2)
11/09/09: House (13.31m/5.3), Lie To Me (7.41m/3)

And that was against very similar competition. Both faced DWTS on ABC, which was pretty much a wash. NBC was greatly improved against Fringe with Biggest Loser (7.84m/3.3), as opposed to Trauma (5.35m/1.8). And CBS was mixed, with The Mentalist (15.83m/3.5) trailing the Men/Big Bang hour (13.62m/4.6) in the demo.

Now we look at where we are this season. Fringe did manage something of a rebound this week, finishing with (5.91m/2.2) on Thursday. That’s still a distant fourth place, and should find the show on the hot seat at the end of the season. It would, obviously, do better on Monday following House. The question is, would it do better than the (7.41m/3) that Lie To Me is currently offering? I think it would.

On the other side of that coin, while I’m not quite as confident about the move of Lie To Me to Thursday, I do still see the potential for it to outperform the current Fringe numbers. That bar has been set, after all, rather low. It would likely take a hit in the move, but the end result would be that Thursday at 9:00 is stronger as well. Just something to think about. The usual numbers junk is after the jump.

ABC - The bubble burst on V (10.7m/3.8) rather quickly. Sure, that’s still a very nice number, but it’s also a heck of a one week drop. Consider the jury still out on this one until we see what episodes three and four bring to the table. Earlier in the week, the return of football on NBC brought Sunday’s Extreme Makeover (10.38m/3), Desperate Housewives (13.79m/4.4), and Brothers & Sisters (9.08m/2.9) down a tad. It was still a successful start to the week.

The good news continued as Dancing With The Stars (17.62m/3.4) and Castle (9.82m/2.4) both gained viewers. The DWTS Results (16.23m/3.5) were up as well, despite the V drop. The news wasn’t so good for The Forgotten, as In The Spotlight with Robin Roberts (9.34m/2.3) finished well above what the show has been doing. Wednesday, the CMA Awards (17.18m/5.3) were a huge improvement over the usual comedies and Eastwick. FlashForward (8.28m/2.6) sunk to third in both measures to kick off Thursday, while Grey’s Anatomy (14.87m/5.6) and Private Practice (10.25m/3.9) were both up. Ugly Betty (4.45m/1.3) finished things off on Friday.

FOX - The network didn’t really gain anything with the all-Seth night, featuring Family Guy (7.26m/3.7), Seth & Alex (6.73m/3.4), Family Guy (7.99m/4.1), and Cleveland (6.44m/3.2). The news was better on Monday as House (13.31m/5.3) remained the clear demo leader on the night. So You Think You Can Dance remained steady, if not impressive, on Tuesday (5.76m/2.3) and Wednesday (5.72m/2.2), while Glee (7.53m/3.4) was tied for #1 in the demo with Criminal Minds. Thursday, Bones (10.22m/2.9) took over the #2 spot from FlashForward. And Friday, repeats again topped the recent comedy/Dollhouse combo.

CBS - The good news is that Sunday was up across the board with Amazing Race (11.62m/3.5), Three Rivers (7.99m/1.8), and Cold Case (8.16m/1.7). The bad news is that those numbers from 9:00 to 11:00 are too low. Things were better on Monday. The network was down slightly from 8:00 to 9:00 with How I Met Your Mother (8.67m/3.5) and Accidentally On Purpose (7.89m/2.9). Then, up with 2 ½ Men (14.44m/4.6) and Big Bang Theory (12.8m/4.7). At 10:00 is where the real magic started.

The big crossover CSI event led to gains for Miami (14.38m/4), NY (14.51m/3.8), and the OG CSI (17.38m/4.1). He didn’t get to be part of the big event, but Gibbs and the crew at NCIS (20.96m/4.4) easily returned to the top of the Tuesday pyramid. That was good news for NCIS: LA (16.23m/3.7) and The Good Wife (13.35m/2.8) as well. Old Christine (7.19m/2.1) and Gary Unmarried (7.3m/2.4) were both up on Wednesday, despite that CMA increase at ABC. Criminal Minds (12.77m/3.4) was solid. Although, that demo battle with Glee could prove very interesting.

Thursday, as with CSI, Survivor (12.94m/4) was up too. The Mentalist (16.17m/3.6) was off a bit in viewers, but is still having a very good second season. And Friday was another easy win for the night by Ghost Whisperer (8.01m/2), Medium (8.16m/1.9), and Numb3rs (8.16m/1.8).

NBC – The return of Sunday Night Football (21.88m/8.5) was certainly welcome. Hopefully, it softened the blow of another series low for Heroes (5.26m/2.3), and the further struggles of Trauma (5.35m/1.8). The Biggest Loser (9.65m/3.8) remains a success on Tuesday. Mercy (6.68m/1.7), on the other hand, can only claim that it is an improvement over the Knight Rider numbers. L&O: SVU (8.77m/2.8) remains a mystery. That was good for fourth place, again, but it is headed in the right direction. And that 2.8 demo is starting to look really good given the rest of the NBC schedule.

Thursday was more of the same as Community (5.09m/2.1) and Parks & Recreation (4.58m/2.1) again fell short of the Kath & Kim bar (11/06: 5.57m/2.4). By comparison, things look pretty good for The Office (8.05m/4.2) and 30 Rock (6m/3). Law & Order (7.5m/1.7) finished things up on Friday.

CW - The week got off to a very good start as One Tree Hill (2.67m/1.3), Gossip Girl (2.37m/1.3), and 90210 (2.06m/1.2) all saw gains. That was the highest rated Gossip Girl since the season premiere. Things didn’t go so well for Melrose Place (1.28m/.7). It would seem that the network is just waiting to see what difference Heather Locklear makes before pulling the plug.

Next Top Model (3.2m/1.5) was again nipping at NBC’s heels in the demo on Wednesday. As was Vampire Diaries (4.1m/1.9) on Thursday. Supernatural (2.69m/1.3) was on par as well. Finally, Smallville (2.7m/1.2) continued to defy the odds on Friday, drawing more viewers than OTH, GG, 90210, Melrose, and Supernatural.

Cable - It’s probably way too early for the folks down at Stargate HQ to be getting nervous, but concern might be in order. Friday 11/06 found the Universe dropping again, to (1.63m/.7). That didn’t do any favors for Sanctuary (1.42m/.5). It will be very interesting to see where the show levels out. Over at USA, White Collar (3.85m/.9) continues to search for a level as well. Other cable numbers to consider:

Mad Men (2.32m/.8)
Dexter (1.76m/.9)
Lincoln Heights (1.03m/.4)
Sons Of Anarchy (3.83m/1.9)
Nip/Tuck (1.75m/.9)
Curb Your Enthusiasm (.98m/.3)
Bored To Death (.63m/.3)
Californication (.76m/.4)
Rita Rocks (.48m/.2)
South Park (2.78m/1.5)
Secret Girlfriend (1.19m/.6)
It’s Always Sunny (1.87m/1.2)
The League (1.03m/.6)
Monday Night Football (16m/6.5)
The Hills (2.1m/1.3)
Top Chef (3.02m/1.7)
Mythbusters (2.13m/.9)
Ghost Hunters (2.91m/1.4)
Ghost Hunters Academy (2.07m/.9)
Project Runway (3.13m/1.4)
Keeping Up With The Kardashians (3.17m/1.7)

Photo Credit: FOX

How I Met Your Mother’s friends get back together

Debbie McDuffee — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 03:16:57 +0000

“It was called the Death Star, baby — they knew what they were getting into.” – Marshall to Lily when she realizes that Stormtroopers are people, not robots

It’s funny that this episode about how Robin and Barney just aren’t working as a couple comes on the heels of one of the few episodes that I thought did work with Barney and Robin as a couple. I wonder if the writers read my reviews from this season and changed their minds about the match-up, or if this was the plan all along.

There have been inklings along the way about not knowing who Barney is anymore, seeing Barney and Robin fight, Barney and Robin not understanding the relationship stuff that keeps Lily and Marshall together. And tonight, when Ted says, “It’s the end of Barney Stinson as we know him,” it was definitely bringing those past pieces back around and defining that there is a problem with Barney being in a relationship.

Either way, we got some ridiculous funny out of it. This was probably the most absurd episode since “The Goat,” with random things just coming together for the good of the funny. One of my favorite things about HIMYM is when they bring back great moments from old episodes and further them, and they did tons of that tonight.

I think we knew in the past that Lily was a porn-a-holic, didn’t we? It was so fun watching her perk up when the talk was or porn, and stealing Squat was priceless. Bringing back Lily the relationship Kracken was inspired as well, because we know how good she is at it.

Alan Thicke’s guest spot was perfect — it shouted out to Robin’s horrific music video, “Sandcastles,” but even better, introduced the fact that she and Thicke had a failed Canadian TV variety show. If it’s anywhere near Robin Sparkles meets Sherbotsky’s new morning show, I gotta see me some of that. Barney will take care of that for us.

And seeing Barney’s freakish like-sized Stormtrooper statue is always a good thing.

Other stuff:

Dude, the fat suit. Awesome.
Archisexture.
When Barney dies, he wants Ted to take his body to the Hamptons and recreate Weekend at Bernie’s.
“I think Barney ate the relationship chicken.” — Marshall
Relationship gut.
Neil Young does sound a bit like an old lady … not that it takes away from his greatness in any way.
Storm Pooper.
“Daddy’s home.” — Barney. Thank goodness!

Photo Credit: CBS

Ratings Clack – V gets off to a great start

Brett Love — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 18:30:08 +0000

The World Series was the big ratings winner last week, but with New York involved, everyone kind of expected that, right? What nobody expected — most notably ABC — was the success of the V premiere. The numbers weren’t just good. It was the highest rated scripted program on the network, topping the Housewives and Grey’s. Even better, the V demo rating was the highest for a scripted show on any of the networks. Someone at ABC has to be kicking themselves for only ordering four episodes of V, while they continue to crank out more Hanks than they know what to do with.

ABC – It was the big show for the week, so we’ll start with the V (14.3m/5.2) premiere on Tuesday. Even more impressive, it did that against Biggest Loser and NCIS. Not an easy timeslot. That was obviously unexpected, or production wouldn’t have been cut to 4, for now. It makes the results of episode two very interesting. How much of that audience will be back for more? That huge leap in the 8 o’clock hour didn’t do anything for the rest of the night. The Dancing With The Stars results show (15.05m/3.1) was up just a tenth in the demo, and The Forgotten (7.27m/1.9) actually managed to lose a million viewers week-to-week.

Earlier in the week, things were pretty standard on Sunday with Extreme Makeover (10.75m/3.3), Desperate Housewives (14.08m/5), and Brothers & Sisters (9.02m/3.3). Monday, Dancing With The Stars (16.69m/3.4) and Castle (9.43m/2.4) were both off just a bit, but we’ll chalk that up to baseball. Wednesday remains a mixed bag as Hank (5.09m/1.3), The Middle (6.04m/1.8), and Eastwick (4.44m/1.5) all continue to struggle. Modern Family (8.77m/3.5) and Cougar Town (6.87m/2.8) do like solid performers, however.

FlashForward (8.57m/2.6) makes Thursday interesting. It continues to drop, and you have to wonder if the audience is just giving up on it already. It long ago lost track of Survivor, and this week was also topped by Bones. Grey’s Anatomy (13.95m/5.1) and Private Practice (9.11m/3.4) remain a successful pairing. Friday, Ugly Betty (4.76m/1.3) remained steady, but the big surprise was from the Rihana episode of 20/20 (8.18m/2.7).

CBS - It was, for the most part, another very solid week. Sunday was steady, with Amazing Race (11.22m/3.3), Three Rivers (7.7m/1.6), and Cold Case (9.02m/1.7). Of course, that steady means that Three Rivers remains a disappointment and its future prospects are not good. Monday was also solid with How I Met Your Mother (8.82m/3.5), Accidentally On Purpose (8.09m/3.1), 2 ½ Men (13.51m/4.4), Big Bang Theory (12.73m/4.7), and CSI: Miami (12.52m/3.6). Those numbers are off a bit, but we’ll give them a World Series pass as well.

Tuesday, that giant V premiere didn’t do much to slow down the NCIS (20.18m/4.3) juggernaut. NCIS:LA (15.29m/3.6) and The Good Wife (12.74m/2.7) were also on par. Wednesday brought a slightly baseball-weakened combination of Old Christine (6.68m/2), Gary Unmarried (6.29m/2), Criminal Minds (12.55m/3.4), and CSI:NY (12m/2.8).

Thursday, Survivor (12.44m/3.7) is again firmly in control of the hour. More interesting, The Mentalist (16.21m/3.6) topped CSI (15.6m/3.5) in both measures again. The troubling bit came on Friday, as Ghost Whisperer (7.93m/1.8) and Medium (7.58m/1.8) both lost to Law & Order, while Numb3rs (8.09m/1.8) was beaten by 20/20. I can’t remember the last time CBS was beaten in all three Friday hours while running all new episodes.

FOX - The World Series was the story last week. Games on Sunday (22.76m/7.8), Monday (17.09m/5.3), and Wednesday (22.34m/7.4) all did extremely well. So You Think You Can Dance (6.12m/2.4) held down the fort on Tuesday, and Bones (8.66m/2.6) and Fringe (4.86m/1.7) were back on Thursday. Bones moved to #2 in the hour, while Fringe remains a distant fourth.

The quick reaction is to blame the time slot, but compare it to what So You Think You Can Dance is up against on Tuesday at 8. ABC gains 5.73m/2.6. NBC gains 3.93m/2. CBS gains 7.74m/.6. That’s 17.3 million more viewers, and 5.2 more demo points facing SYTYCD, and it still outperformed Fringe. There is also the argument that because World Series Game 7 was scheduled Thursday, people didn’t know it was on. Unfortunately, that doesn’t explain the fact that Bones still managed 8.6 million viewers, or all those other weeks of subpar Fringe numbers. And in case you were wondering, House and Bones repeats on Friday again topped the Brothers, Til Death, and Dollhouse numbers.

NBC - With no football in prime time this week, the big success actually came on Friday. Law & Order is finally showing a little life, with episodes at 8 (7.99m/1.8) and 9 (8.41m/1.9) both winning their hours. Earlier in the week, it was more of the same on Monday from Heroes (5.86m/2.5) and Trauma (5.82m/1.9). The Biggest Loser (9.11m/3.5) remains a solid hit on Tuesday. Wednesday, Mercy (6.63m/1.7) and SVU (7.95m/2.4) were off, but it was the final game of the World Series, so let’s wait and see.

Thursday, Community (5.45m/2.3) and Parks & Recreation (4.91m/2.2) were both up. However, they do both remain below what Kath & Kim (5.57m/2.4) were doing at this time last year. The Office (8.09m/4.1) and 30 Rock (6.15m/3) continue along the same path. Leno had another rough week, falling below 4 million viewers once, and below 1.5 in the demo three times. I’m starting to think that Leno one night a week might not be a bad idea. Give him the post Biggest Loser slot, and return scripted to the other four hours. The numbers:

Monday: 3.92m/1.2
Tuesday: 5.96m/2
Wednesday: 4.81m/1.4
Thursday: 4.83m/1.6
Friday: 4.6m/1.2

CW - Nothing too exciting to report this week. One Tree Hill (2.32m/1.1) and Gossip Girl (1.98m/1) look to have taken a small hit from baseball. 90210 (1.92m/1) and Melrose Place (1.48m/.8) continue to struggle as we all wait to see what Heather Locklear will do to the Melrose numbers. Next Top Model (3.87m/1.7) was up, despite baseball. Thursday remains the strongest night of the week with Vampire Diaries (4.09m/1.9) and Supernatural (2.65m/1.2). And Smallville (2.76m/1.2) continues to grow.

CABLE - Not a lot to yell about on cable this week either. It is worth noting that the second episode of White Collar (5.075m/1.2), from 10/30, held up very well. It looks like USA has found a few more characters. Stargate Universe (1.97m/.8), from the same night, found itself falling below the 2 million viewer mark. Sanctuary (1.6m/.5) and Monk (4.69m/1) were fairly steady. Some other numbers:

Mad Men (1.78m/.7)
Dexter (1.88m/.9)
Lincoln Heights (1.11m/.3)
Greek (.66m/.3)
Sons Of Anarchy (3.52m/1.8)
Nip/Tuck (2.17m/1.1)
Curb Your Enthusiasm (.98m/.4)
Bored To Death (.72m/.4)
Californication (.82m/.4)
South Park (2.82m/1.5)
It’s Always Sunny (1.99m/1.3)
The League (1.41m/.9)
Monday Night Football (12.37m/5.1)
Kate: Her Story (3.79m/1.7)
The Hills (1.99m/1.2)
Mythbusters (1.82m/.8)
Ghost Hunters (2.73m/1.3)

Photo Credit: ABC

Quotation Marks – Bilarious, bike-curious, and bagpiping

Ivey West — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 14:35:33 +0000

I have missed the Supernatural boat. Everyone tells me what a great show it is, but I’ve never taken the time. If this week’s lead quote is any indication, I sure am missing out. The week before the start of November Sweeps also brings us some good quotes from Modern Family and Community. Next week, however, I promise the return of Glee!

Supernatural

“You gotta calm down.” — Sam
“Calm down? I’m wearing sunglasses at night!! You know who does that? No talent douche bags! I hate this game! I hate that we’re in a procedural cop show and you want to know to know why … because I hate procedural cop shows! There’s like 300 of them on television and they’re all the freaking same. It’s, ‘Oh, plane crashed here.’ Oh shut up!” — Dean

30 Rock

“You’re setting him up to get it. You don’t think I know that trick. You don’t think I’ve been brought in on a million auditions just to make Kim Catrall seem grounded and human.” — Jenna, on Liz’s plan to get a new cast member hired.

“My mom used to send me articles about how older virgins are considered good luck in Mexico.” — Liz

“I’m not gay. I’m…bilarious!” — Homosexual man waiting on line to see Hugh Jackman

Community

“Listen… Randi can be the name of a guy or a girl. But in this case… it is definitely a girl.” — Troy

“I’m an artist. I write what I feel. And I feel that you suck.” — Vaughn

“TV’s the best dad there is. TV never came home drunk. TV never forgot me at the zoo. TV never abused and insulted me. Unless you count Cop Rock.” — Jeff

“I lived in my car for a stretch in the ’70s. Nothing like bedding on one in the vinyl backseat of a Skylark. Of course we didn’t have the same safety standards back then, so… no condoms. I tell you, before AIDS, sex was like shaking hands.” — Pierce
“Hence AIDS.” — Abed

Parks and Recreation

“Pawnee’s library department is the most diabolical and ruthless bunch of bureaucrats I’ve ever seen. They’re like a biker gang. Only instead of shotguns and crystal meth they use political savvy and shushing.” — Leslie

“It was like doing peyote and sneezing slowly for six hours… that woman really knows her way around a penis.” — Ron on sleeping with his ex-wife Tammi

Vampire Diaries

“I’m worse than shallow — I’m a kiddie pool.” — Caroline

“Unexpected surprise? I think the wrong brother went back to high school.” — Lexi to Damon

“Are you wearing polyester?” — Caroline to Bonnie after she gets zapped by her necklace

Modern Family

“And Mitchell is still upset because Claire quit the team right before some meet.” — Cam
“Some meet? The 13-and-under regional championship. Just the Emerald City at the end of my yellow brick road.” — Mitchell
“Oh, you did it.” — Cam
“What?” — Mitchell
“You made figure skating sound even gayer.” — Cam

“Last year you said basketball was going to be my sport.” — Luke
“Look, I’ve said a lot of things I wish I could take back, but I can’t.” — Phil

“It doesn’t matter to you because you had your own moments…. You had cheerleading and high school plays and making out with the quarterback….” — Mitchell
“Oh come on, you made out with him too.” — Claire

“That wasn’t angry talk?” — Jay
“No, that was happy talk.” — Gloria
“I’m beginning to see why there’s so much conflict on your continent.” — Jay

How I Met Your Mother

“That must be that tantric bagpiping that Sting is into … shut the bagpipes up.” — Ted to Robin, about the noisy “bagpiping” neighbors upstairs

”I’ll wash my manhood when I’m good and ready!” — Marshall

Greek

“I hate crickets. Ever since Pinocchio … they’re too bossy.” — Beaver

“Cappie, who do the Kappa Tau’s hate the most?” — Casey
“Ryan Seacrest. Oh no, no, no, wait, wait; Officer Huck.” — Cappie
“And who do the Omega Kais hate the most?” — Casey
“Liberals?” — Cappie

“We’re in.” — Evan
“Well, we’re in further.” — Beaver
“Do you have any idea what comes out of your mouth?” — Tripp
“No … do you?” — Beaver

“We’re all gonna go to girl jail, like those prison movies my boyfriend watches.” — ZBZer, after the fire

The Office

“I am not robbing the cradle … if anything, I’m robbing the grave.” — Michael, on dating Pam’s mom

South Park

“What would you call a straight man, who doesn’t own a Harley, but likes them and might buy one someday?” — Woman
“You call him bike-curious.” — Cartman

Photo Credit: CW

The nine reasons How I Met Your Mother’s Barney and Robin worked tonight

Debbie McDuffee — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 02:20:40 +0000

“That must be that tantric bagpiping that Sting is into … shut the bagpipes up.” – Ted to Robin, about the noisy “bagpiping” neighbors upstairs

What? A How I Met Your Mother episode that was centered around Robin and Barney being a couple, and Marshall and Lily’s domestic issues? I guess that’s not so weird this season, but what is weird is that I actually liked the way both situations were handled, and I laughed.

I’ve been lukewarm about Barney and Robin being together this season. At first, I was really open-minded and on-board, trusting the writers. But then, as they became just a typical couple, I felt disappointed, let down by Bays and Thomas and the entire writing team that I trust to deliver such greatness as “Slap Bet” and “Naked Man.”

Tonight, it worked. I enjoyed Robin and Barney together on several levels, and here’s why it worked:

1. Ted called Barney and Robin out on how nauseating they were being. I’ve been wanting to do that all season.

2. Ted knew that it was just a front and that the real Barney and Robin were under there somewhere. Just like I’ve felt … all season.

3. NRS: New relationship smugness. We needed a term to describe the nauseating behavior that nearly all couples display when in the throws of early dating.

4. We got Marshall’s speech to Barney, the “Rook.” I truly believe that Marshall can brew a mean pot of chamomile tea.

5. We also got Barney as Lily’s husband, which was so delightfully Mad Men meets Leave it to Beaver.

6. Slap bet!

7.”I’ll wash my manhood when I’m good and ready!” – Marshall

8. As soon as I saw the ski lift, I knew there’d be a delightful scene of trouble.

9. The very, very best moment, where we really got to remember exactly who Robin and Barney really are: After Lily’s speech about how when you love someone, you need to put your ego aside and realize it’s just not important to be right … Barney and Robin roared with callous laughter. And that, my friends, is why I love Bays, Thomas and the characters he created so very, very much.

Photo Credit: CBS

Ratings Clack – Smallville continues to defy the odds

Brett Love — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 16:00:19 +0000

We do often get caught up in the big numbers from the big networks. It is, after all, hard to overlook the fact that NCIS is still growing its audience in the 7th season. There are still some very interesting stories happening on the little network, CW. When it was announced that Vampire Diaries would be paired with Supernatural, while Smallville was shuffled off to Friday, many people expected that was the end.

The show wouldn’t be able to come back from a year grinding away on Friday nights. After a few weeks looking at the numbers though, that’s not the case at all. Clark and the gang can celebrate good times, despite taking a hit from the move. In fact, this week Smallville topped new episodes of One Tree Hill, Gossip Girl, 90210, and Melrose Place. It’s far from done. Elsewhere, we had our first sizable crop of repeats this week, which brought some interesting results.

CW – With Smallville getting the lead, we’ll start with CW this week. The week got off to a slow start with One Tree Hill (2.21m/1) and Gossip Girl (1.98m/1.1) both down. Things picked up, if you can call it that, on Tuesday with 90210 (2.25m/1.1) remaining steady and Melrose Place (1.5m/.7) gaining in viewers. Next Top Model (2.99m/1.4) was steady as well. Vampire Diaries (2.27m/.9) and Supernatural (1.83m/.8) were repeats, but it is worth noting given that the Vampire Diaries repeat had more viewers than all of the Monday and Tuesday originals. Smallville (2.52m/1.1) closed out the week with the best performance for a scripted show on the network, and also managed to finish tied for third in the demo on the night.

ABC – It was something of an uneventful week for the network. Sunday’s performance was steady with Extreme Makeover (10.33m/3), Desperate Housewives (13.68m/4.6), and Brothers & Sisters (9.72m/3.2). Likewise, Monday finished very much like the previous week with Dancing With The Stars (16.82m/3.6) and Castle (9.69m/2.4). It is worth noting that the Castle numbers have been good enough that the network has picked up the back 9.

Things started to change on Tuesday, as Shark Tank (5.92m/1.8) and DWTS Results (14.92m/3.4) both saw gains. Unfortunately, that didn’t do anything for The Forgotten (7.3m/1.9), which slipped to the lowest numbers of the season. Those 10PM struggles were repeated on Wednesday, with Eastwick (4.78m/1.6) also finding new lows. That came on the heels of a night of comedy that was down across the board with Hank (5.78m/1.5), The Middle (6.53m/2), Modern Family (8.66m/3.4), and Cougar Town (7.31m/3.1). Things really don’t look good for Hank.

There were more changes on Thursday, although they really weren’t that surprising. FlashForward (9.87m/3.1) gained in viewers while holding steady in the demo. Grey’s Anatomy (15.06m/5.3), on the other hand, posted big week-to-week gains. Of course, that was against a repeat CSI. Surprisingly though, it didn’t translate into gains for Private Practice (9.93m/3.7). The show was down without the crossover element, despite facing a repeat Mentalist. Friday, Supernanny (4.7m/1.1) returned above the year ago premiere, and Ugly Betty (4.55m/1.2) limped to a third place finish in the hour.

CBS - The week started off with shenanigans as the football overrun bumped Cold Case for the night. Amazing Race (10.92m/3.3) and Three Rivers (7.38m/1.9) didn’t see any benefit from that. Monday was mostly par for the course, with one notable exception. Accidentally On Purpose (8.25m/3.3) actually beat How I Met Your Mother (8.07m/3.4) in viewers. Did anyone see that coming? Later, the duo of 2 ½ Men (14.07m/4.8) and Big Bang Theory (13.47m/5.3) continued to dominate the 9PM hour. CSI: Miami (13.16m/3.9) finished the night on a winning note.

Tuesday was up across the board, on the back of NCIS (21.25m/4.7) continuing to impress. That led to good things for NCIS:LA (16.48m/3.9) and The Good Wife (13.26m/2.8). Wednesday remained steady. Old Christine (6.58m/2) and Gary Unmarried (6.76m/2.2) seem to have fought off the ABC comedies, while Criminal Minds (14.27m/3.8) and CSI:NY (13m/3) easily win their hours. Survivor (12.9m/4) was the lone new entry on Thursday, but it is worth noting that The Mentalist (11.79m/2.8) beat CSI (10.14m/2.2) in repeats. Friday was again an easy victory for Ghost Whisperer (8.46m/2.1), Medium (8.43m/2.2), and Numb3rs (8.05m/1.8).

NBC - Overall, it was actually a good week for NBC, relatively speaking. Sunday Night Football (18.17m/7.2) continues to be huge. And Heroes (5.72m/2.5) was actually up. With Mercy (7.18m/1.9) getting a full season, things don’t look good for Trauma (5.46m/1.8). Tuesday, The Biggest Loser (9.82m/3.9) was also up. There were more gains to be had on Wednesday, as L&O: SVU (9.15m/2.8) continued to grow. There is still the very real possibility that it could compete with Criminal Minds in the demo by the end of the season.

Thursday continues to be a mixed bag. Technically, Community (5.04m/1.9) and Parks & Recreation (4.93m/2.1) had the 8PM hour up over last week. But really, if Kath & Kim are looking down at your numbers, that’s really bad. The Office (8.73m/4.4) and 30 Rock (6.84m/3.3) took advantage of the CSI vacation. Friday, Law & Order (7.17m/1.5) continued to struggle, while Dateline (7.91m/1.8) continued to make the case for canceling Southland.

Leno… didn’t have a good week.The numbers continue to shrink, slowly. Two nights below five million, and two below 1.5 in the demo. Most troubling might be the fact that despite nice gains from The Office and 30 Rock on Thursday, and facing a repeat Mentalist, Leno was actually down.

Mon – 4.74m/1.4
Tue – 5.46m/1.8
Wed – 5.14m/1.5
Thu – 4.97m/1.6
Fri – 6.15m/1.4

FOX - The week started off with one of the most interesting repeats of the week. An old Family Guy (8.13m/4.2) was stuffed in with new episodes from The Simpsons (8.69m/4.1), Cleveland (7.62m/3.8), American Dad (6.25m/3.1) but still managed to be the highest rated. Monday, being pushed back by baseball didn’t do any favors for House (11.65m/4.4) and Lie To Me (7.79m/2.9). The news was better from baseball (10.3m/3.4) on Tuesday. Wednesday, So You Think You Can Dance (6.91m/2.6) and Glee (7.15m/3.3) were steady. I’m curious to see what happens as SYTYCD gets into the competition.

Baseball (11.85m/3.7) returned Thursday, offering a boost to the usual numbers. Friday was more of the same. The only semi-surprise was that Til Death (1.97m/.7) managed to fall below 2 million viewers. Yikes. It’s pretty bad when you lose viewers from Brothers (2.35m/.8). Dollhouse (2.15m/.8) slipped again, marking its second worse performance ever.

Cable – Ryan asked for numbers from Stargate: Universe and Sanctuary last week. I don’t usually include them because unless Syfy sees fit to issue a press release over the weekend, the post is up before they come out. So, the next best thing is week old numbers. For the 10/16 broadcasts the numbers were Stargate: Universe (2.1m/.9) and Sanctuary (1.77m/.6). That same night, USA had Monk (3.98m/1) and Psych (3.68m/1.2). The interesting premiere this week was The Jeff Dunham Show (5.34m/2.2). That’s impressive, given the overwhelming hatred of the show from critics. It’s also worth noting that Sons Of Anarchy (3.7m/2) beat both Leno and The Forgotten in the demo. Other interesting cable numbers for the past week:

Monday Night Football (13.47m/5.5)
Hannah Montana (5.72m/1)
Mad Men (1.61m/.5)
Dexter (1.51m/.7)
Californication (.77m/.3)
Curb Your Enthusiasm (1.08m/.5)
Bored To Death (.66m/.3)
Project Runway (3.02m/1.3)
Real Housewives Of Atlanta (2.97m/1.6)
It’s Always Sunny (1.52m/.9)
Lincoln Heights (.92m/.2)
Greek (.68m/.3)
The Hills (1.83m/1.1)
Dirty Jobs (1.86m/.9)
Mythbusters (2.28m/1)
Top Chef (2.86m/1.5)
South Park (2.58m/1.4)
Secret Girlfriend (1.29m/.6)
Nip/Tuck (2.23m/1.2)
Ghost Hunters (3.07m/1.4)

Photo Credit: The CW

Quotation Marks – Ascots, belly buttons, and Crocs

Ivey West — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 15:40:25 +0000

This week’s column is a tribute to the new sitcoms network television has given us this season. Sure, we’ve still got some hour-longs in there (because you know I’m not going to let one of these posts go up with out some Glee love), but we’re mainly highlighting the the half hour comedies this time around.

Modern Family

“Why is she dressed like the Hamburglar?” — Mitchell, about his baby Lily

“I’ll tell you what’s weird. Our son is not weird. What’s weird is that her kid wears aftershave and dresses like a count.” — Claire, about Manny

“It’s not just the game. It’s the bands, and the drama and the pageantry.” — Mitchell
“Don’t forget about the team mascots.” — Cameron
“They wear ascots?” — Mitchell
“No, mascots, with an ‘m.’ That could have been very embarrassing.” — Cameron

“Claire likes to say you can be part of the problem or part of the solution. I happen to believe that you can be both.” — Phil

House

“He’s just agreeing with you because he wants to have sex with you. By the way, I agree with you too — especially in those pants.” — House to Cameron

“Can I tell you something? I wasn’t picking lint out of my belly button.”– House to Wilson

“You want to take this case because he’s another sad puppy. You should have been a vet.” — House to Cameron

“You do make me feel funny.” — House to Cuddy

“That’s not hate, it’s foreplay.” — intern to intern, about Cuddy and House

Community

“I think if you said ‘jump,’ he’d say ‘how high’. I think if you said ’stop’ he’d say ‘Hammertime.’” — Dean Pelton

Parks and Recreation

“Mark, I am so sick of moving like a slug. I want to move like a cheetah. Or a slug driving a remote controlled car. Well, maybe something more plausible than that, but fast.” — Leslie

Greek

“Someone without a college degree shouldn’t be so choosy.” — Dale to Lana

“Hi. Um, I have a friend of mine I’d like to introduce you to; his name’s Jesus. And he pays much greater dividends than those dollar bills in your underpants.” — Dale to a stripper

“Jesus knows how to party; dude makes his own wine.” — Dale to a KTer

“You know, some people appreciate my sense of humor.” — Evan
“Some people appreciate Crocs.” — Ashleigh

Glee

“I will go to the animal shelter and get you a kitty cat. I will let you fall in love with that kitty cat. And then on some dark cold night, I’ll steal away into your home and punch you in the face.” — Sue to Will

“I can’t do this.” — Rachel
“Why? We’re a couple of good-lookin’ Jews. It’s natural.” — Puck
“I can’t give myself to someone who isn’t brave enough to sing a solo. If you don’t have the guts to do that, how are you gonna be able to deal with the ups and downs of loving an admittedly high maintenance girl like me?” — Rachel
“Are you questioning my badassness? Have you seen my guns?” — Puck

“Know what the worst part is? It’s not the burning in your eyes or how the slushee drips into your underpants. It’s the humiliation.” — Puck

The Middle

“So, this Olivia, is she here right now?”– Mike to Brick when Brick announced that he was dating someone

“Great advice Axl; now I’m married, and we have a baby!” — Brick

“I’m not even sure if Rainbow Bright is mine.” — Brick

“Nobody ever has a record of Sue.” — Frankie

The Office

“That could have gone one of two ways. But I never expected her to get upset.” — Michael about Pam

“I am your boss, and I may someday be your father.” — Michael to Pam

“Did you really think I would put my primary listening device in a wooden mallard? I’m not insane.” — Dwight, showing the camera his pen recorder

30 Rock

“After the elections I could have gotten any ambassadorship I wanted, even to the world’s gayest country — Ireland.” — Devon

“In three days the headlines will read, ‘Jack Donaghy saves GE, comma, marries your mom.’” — Jack

“A book hasn’t caused me this much trouble since Where’s Waldo went to that barber pole factory!” — Tracy

“This isn’t the auto industry, Pete. The auto industry was run by a bunch of out-of-touch white guys selling consumers a product they didn’t want. We’re GE damn it, and we’re going to make a giant, flimsy microwave!” — Jack

The Venture Bros

“I can cross ’stab Hitler to death’ off my list of cool crap I thought I’d never do.” — Brock Samson

How I Met Your Mother

“OK, that’s it. [stands up on top of chair] Attention, Canada. I’m Barney, from America, and I’m here to fix your backward-ass country. Number one, get real money. [shows Canadian dollar bill] Don’t know what board game this came from, but it’s a [in French accent] joke. Number two, and this is a biggie, quit letting awesome chicks like Robin Scherbatsky get away because you know what, you don’t want her, I’m planting my flag in her, if you know what I mean — which you probably don’t — and getting her the hell out of here. You may now return to being pointless.” — Barney

Big Bang Theory

“Did that guy just say, ‘Revenge is a dish best served cold,’ in Klingon?” — Wil Wheaton
“I believe so.” — Stuart
“What is wrong with him?” — Wil
“Everyone has a different theory.” — Stuart

“I came here to defeat Wil Wheaton, the man who destroyed my dream, but I can’t defeat Wil Wheaton, the man who loved his memaw. [plays his card] Enchanted Bunny.” — Sheldon
“NOOOO!!!!! Not Enchanted Bunny!” — Raj
“I call my memaw ‘Nana,’ and she going to be very happy to hear my small rock kills your Enchanted Bunny. Game over, Moon Pie.” — Wil
“I … I don’t understand. Your grandmother’s alive?” — Sheldon
“You catch on quick. Come on, Stewie, let’s get our prize money.” — Wil

Photo Credit: CBS

How I Met Your Mother – Canadian jokes won’t save them all

Debbie McDuffee — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 00:54:17 +0000

I really didn’t think it was possible to screw up an episode that should have sailed along on Canadian jokes alone. But somehow, How I Met Your Mother stole all of the funny (well, most of it anyway) out of that situation.

Really, who wrote this?

Because I guess I should thank you for the few funny things, along with the connections to past episodes that made me smile. But making the Canadian citizen story lackluster, and pairing it with an annoying Marshall and Lily adventure made for the worst HIMYM so far this season.

I was hopeful at the beginning, when we got a glimpse at Robin’s Canadian quirks, and chanting “shrimp fried rice” was cooler than Canada. I even thought when Barney tried to convince Robin that Queen Elizabeth was Elton John that this story line would be going someplace brilliant. I was wrong.

Don’t get me wrong, seeing the Hoser Hut again was fun, as was Barney making fun of Canadian “board game” money, but even the Bryan Adams/ Rich Little double bill couldn’t save Canada tonight. Barney wasn’t remotely Barney, and even his sex jokes fell flat for me. Barney as part of a couple just isn’t working for me.

And that was the funny part of the show.

I didn’t think Lily and Marshall could get any more annoying, but then they melded as one. Yuck. At least Marshall ditched her. And got over it in four minutes, heh. Sure, we liked hearing about the bong made out of cantaloupe, and I would have been sorely disappointed if I didn’t hear “500 Miles” at some point in a Ted / Marshall road trip show, but man, this was not the “Arrivederci, Fiero” episode by a long shot.

I know you’re waiting for me to mention Tantrum Soda, and that could have been funny, but they really didn’t know where to go with it. And you’d think seeing Lily hanging on to a car for dear life would be entertaining, but no. She’d really have to let go, wouldn’t she?

Poor Sparky and his balls, destined to forever be the third wheel.

Did you find this to be one of the worst episodes of How I Met Your Mother?

Photo Credit: CBS

Ratings Clack – Where is FlashForward headed?

Brett Love — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 16:00:41 +0000

FlashForward is one of the more interesting shows of the new season where ratings are concerned. On the one hand, so far it has been a huge upgrade for the 8-9 spot on ABC. And while it has been surpassed by Survivor, it does continue to hold off Bones in the demo. On the other hand, the ratings don’t seem to be settled yet, which makes each week a new adventure. This week, the yo-yo headed back up. What will next week bring? One can only guess. I continue to think that it will eventually be passed up by the fiercely loyal Bones audience at some point, finding its place as the number 3 show in the hour. Elsewhere this week, there was good news for Dancing With The Stars, NCIS, Law & Order, So You Think You Can Dance, and Smallville. The news wasn’t so good for Hank, Parks & Recreation, Three Rivers, or Melrose Place.

ABC - Overall, it was a very good week for the network. Sunday was off a bit week-to-week with Extreme Makeover (9.81m/3), Desperate Housewives (13.42m/3.6), and Brothers & Sisters (8.97m/3), but those are still solid numbers. And there were plenty of gains through the rest of the week. Monday, Dancing With The Stars (16.79m/3.6) and Castle (9.77m/2.3) were both up. Tuesday was also up for the night with Shark Tank (5.24m/1.6), DWTS (13.96m/2.9) and The Forgotten (7.43m/2.1). The Forgotten was down in viewers, but up in demo. Wednesday was a bit of a mixed bag with Modern Family (9.35m/3.6) and Cougar Town (7.99m/3.3) both up, while Hank (6.15m/1.6), The Middle (6.77m/2.1), and Eastwick (5.08m/1.7) were all down.

In a bit of oddness, Thursday found FlashForward (9.07m/3.1) and Private Practice (10.36m/3.8) both posting gains while Grey’s Anatomy (13.79m/5) took a bit of a dip. Still, that’s a dip that still left it #1 in the demo for the night. Friday was also up with the premiere of Ugly Betty (5.01m/1.3 – 5.18m/1.3). Of course, that’s well off last season’s Ugly Betty numbers, and up over repeats. I’ve no idea what ABC is expecting from Ugly Betty on the night, but the increased competition should be worrisome for FOX.

CBS - The Tiffany network also had a good week, starting with The Amazing Race (10.52m/3.2). Unfortunately, Phil’s gains didn’t do much for Three Rivers (7.33m/1.7) and Cold Case (7.87m/1.9). Both of those should be considered on the bubble at this point. That was just a temporary setback though, as business picked back up Monday. How I Met Your Mother (8.56m/3.6), Accidentally On Purpose (7.73m/3), 2 ½ Men (14.17m/4.8), and Big Bang Theory (13.07m/5) all bounced back from an off week, gaining in viewers and demo. CSI: Miami (13.27m/4) was off just a bit in viewers, but also up in viewers. That 8-9 hour of comedy continues to be interesting. In moving Big Bang to 9:30, the 8-9 hour is down 1.1 million viewers and 4 tenths in the demo versus last year (Big Bang 9.36m/3.6, HIMYM 9.14m/3.8). Although, to be fair, the 9-10 hour is up 1.4 million viewers and .6 in the demo (2 ½ Men 14.57m/5.3, Worst Week 9.78m/3.3).

Moving on, NCIS (21.04m/4.5) continues to roll. Despite that being up, NCIS:LA (15.38m/3.5) and The Good Wife (12.98m/2.8) were both off week-to-week. The good news though is that they both remain up over last year (Mentalist 14.86m/3.4, Without A Trace 10.99m/2.6). Wednesday also saw gains with Old Christine (6.99m/2.1), Gary Unmarried (6.91m/2.3), and CSI: NY (13.4m/3.2) up in both measurements. Criminal Minds (13.92m/3.8) was off slightly in viewers, but also gained demo.

Thursday saw week-to-week gains across the board with Survivor (11.78m/3.5), CSI (15.38m/3.6), and The Mentalist (15.08m/3.5). It’s interesting to note that The Mentalist is so close to becoming the #1 show for the network on the night. Friday, as usual, was an easy win with Ghost Whisperer (8.21m/2), Medium (8.04m/1.9), and Numb3rs (7.77m/1.8) all holding up well against baseball.

FOX - A bit of a mixed bag of results in a week that was still very good. The Sunday toons, The Simpsons (7.6m/3.7), Cleveland Show (7.87m/3.9), Family Guy (8.97m/4.6), and American Dad (6.75m/3.5) were all down, but still very strong. It’s worth noting that Cleveland is building on the Simpsons audience. Monday was also down, with House (13.49m/5.2) and Lie To Me (7.87m/2.8). Not a worry for House, the #1 demo of the night, but Lie To Me should be better. Tuesday was a great result as Hell’s Kitchen (8.04m/3.8) continues to hold up amazingly well.

The really interesting bit of the week came on Wednesday. So You Think You Can Dance (7.21m/2.8) continues to grow now that the weeks (and weeks) of auditions are over. It’s now #1 in the demo for the hour. That led to a slight boost for Glee (7.65m/3.4) as well. Thursday was more of the same, with Bones (9.59m/2.8) on par, and Fringe (5.78m/2.2) continuing to struggle in the 9PM meat grinder. Friday was way up over the usual schedule with baseball. Sports are iffy for numbers, but the early results say something in the neighborhood of 7.54 million viewers and a 2.4 for the night.

NBC - How NBC did this week really depends on your glass. Is it half full, or half empty? For example, the entire Monday lineup was up in viewers and demo. But then, when you come up to numbers like Heroes (5.55m/2.4), Trauma (5.49m/1.8), and Leno (5.09m/1.6), it’s hard to really celebrate. There were similar results for Mercy (7.37m/1.9), which was up in the demo. As well as Community (5.01m/2) which gained in both over last week. The only really bad news probably comes from Parks & Recreation (4.53m/2). To give an idea of how bad that is, last year at this time Kath & Kim knocked down 6.01 million viewers and a 2.5.

There was good news to be had. As usual, Sunday Night Football (16.02m/6.2) remains a power. The Biggest Loser (9.14m/3.5) was also rather steady. The Office (8.03m/4.1) was down from the big wedding episode, but remains the best rated scripted program on the network. 30 Rock (6.39m/3), given the demo, also had a successful debut. There was also some good news on the Law & Order front. Both SVU (8.77m/2.6) and L&O (7.6m/1.6) remain down year-to-year, but they are also both gaining. That’s a trend worth watching. It could be that as people tire of the new programming, they’ll return to the old standbys.

Leno, overall, had a rough week that ended with his worst showing yet on Friday. The only victory for Leno came on Wednesday, as the show was #2, edging out Eastwick. The numbers:

Monday (5.09m/1.6)
Tuesday (5.77m/1.8)
Wednesday (6.15m/1.8)
Thursday (5.37m/1.8)
Friday (4.97m/1.2)

CW - Count the littlest network as also having a good week. One Tree Hill (2.55m/1.2), Gossip Girl (2.36m/1.2), Vampire Diaries (3.88m/1.8), Supernatural (2.58m/1.2), and Smallville (2.62m/1.1) were all up over last week. 90210 (2.25m/1.1) was off a tenth in demo, but gained viewers. Next Top Model (3m/1.4) was off over the previous week, but remains the #2 show on the network. The only really bad news continues to be Melrose Place (1.38m/.7) which has now fallen well off the pace of Privileged last season.

CABLE - The most intriguing number for me on cable this week was Nip/Tuck (2.92m/1.4). That’s not a bad number, but it’s more interesting in showing just how successful FX is with Sons Of Anarchy (3.31m/1.8). It looks like SAMCRO will be around for awhile. Let’s just hope the writer’s get this whole Oz fascination out of their system sooner, rather than later. Some other cable numbers of note:

Mad Men (1.53m/.6)
Army Wives (3.93m/1.3)
Monday Night Football (13.14m/5.4)
Top Chef (2.67m/1.4)
South Park (2.56m/1.3)
Secret Girlfriend (1.25m/.6)
It’s Always Sunny (1.61m/1)
Project Runway (2.97m/1.3)
Mythbusters (2.69m/1.2)
The Hills (1.72m/1)
Ghost Hunters (2.91m/1.3)
Real Housewives of Atlanta (2.64m/1.4)
Greek (.66m/.3)

Photo Credit: ABC

Quotation Marks – Dockers, Tab-booty calls, and the letter R

Ivey West — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 18:03:16 +0000

Glee

[while hugging]
“I will destroy you.” – Will
“I’m about to vomit down your back.” – Coach Sylvestser
“It’s on.” – Will

“The independent polling company in my Dockers has confirmed that you’re the hottest girl in this school.” – Jacob

Community

“The only difference between Senor Chang and Stalin is that I know who Senor Chang is.” – Troy

Parks and Recreation

“That’s why people respect Hillary Clinton so much, because no one takes a punch like her. She’s the strongest, smartest punching bag around.” – Leslie

The Office

“Jim’s on his honeymoon, so I started using his office to fart in.” – Kevin

“R is among the most menacing of sounds. That’s why they call it murder and not mukduk.” – Dwight

30 Rock

“To TGS! We’ll trick those race-car-loving wide loads into watching your lefty, homoerotic propaganda hour yet!” – Jack

“I blame you and Dot Com; you two have built a protective shell around me like a hermit crab or mermaid booby, and now I’ve lost touch with the common man!” – Tracy to Grizz

“Has anybody seen my wallet? It’s an L.L. Bean child’s wallet from the 1970s. There was no money in it, but I was one hole-punch away from a free tasty delight…. Damn it to hell, I hate my life!” – Liz

“Hey dudes, I’m organizing a viral protest on Tweeter and Youtubes.” – Lenny Wozniak, undercover at the Page strike.

Greek

“Comic Conventions are crawling with hotties, everybody knows that.” – Dale

“Dale Kettlewell is in a relationship with God.” – Dale’s new profile relationship status

NCIS

“What is blue, black, and red?” – Ziva
“Zebra in a blender.” – Tony
“That’s black, white, and red all over.” – McGee
“Newspaper.” – Tony
“Penguin with a sunburn.” – McGee
“Nun falling down stairs.” – Tony

The Middle

“That’s why we taught you to walk.” – Mike’s response to Axl on what he’s to do if he doesn’t get his license for lack of practice

“Don’t do anything sexual; boys hate that.” – Mike to Sue, on attracting boys

Modern Family

“During my vows to my first husband, drug dealers burst in and assassinated the judge. This was way worse.” – Gloria, on “The Incident”

“I’m about to embark on a new journey.” – Dede
“Really?” – Mitchell
“His name is Chaz, and he’s asked me to come live with him in his foreign land.” – Dede
“Wow, where?” – Mitchell
“Canada. French Canada.” – Dede

“There’s a fish that swims around with babies in its mouth. That fish would look at Mitchell’s relationship with his mother and say, ‘that’s messed up.’” – Cameron

“The first time I saw Hailey, I knew I liked her. I mean, she’s beautiful and everything, but it’s not just that. She’s got this killer confidence, you know, the kind of confidence you get from having a family like this that’s passionate and accepting of hot foreigners, and gay dudes, and nutty people. You know, a family that actually loves each other.” – Dylan

How I Met Your Mother

“One thing. Really? You gave me one thing? Wow, so I guess that Gouda just walked itself right through that door, sliced itself up, and arranged itself in the perfect semi-circle around not three, not four, but five different kinds of sturdy, cheese-bearing crackers?” – Marshall
“You’re a sturdy, cheese-bearing cracker” – Lily

“Hey, remember that weird couple down the hall? With the ferrets? Maybe we can give them a call and see if they want to come over and play Taboo.” – Barney
“After midnight? No way, we can’t Tab-booty call them. That’s pathetic.” – Robin

Dancing With The Stars

“Your dancing is like the economy. Every week you are supposed to be getting better, but nothing happens.” – Bruno Tonioli, on Michael Irvin’s performance

Photo Credit: FOX

How I Met Your Mother – Poems, songs and photo montages

Debbie McDuffee — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 01:13:26 +0000

How I Met Your Mother, oh how you made me laugh tonight. Yes, Marshall and Lily were annoyingly cute (but Barney and Robin were back to their snarky selves) and I got really sick of gouda jokes, but you made up for it in infinite ways.

For instance, I didn’t know just how funny tweed was:

“Ah, tweed, textile of the eunuch.” – Barney to Ted, on his new professor duds

And you milked it throughout the episode, in true Bays and Thomas fashion: just enough to stay funny but not crossing that line (which you may have crossed with the Gouda).

But the sexless innkeeper is where you brought it home tonight, and you can be sure I’ve transcribed Barney’s and Ted’s “Sexless Innkeeper” poems after the jump….

The Sexless Innkeeper (Barney)

‘Twas the night before New Years
and the weather grew mean
It was three in the morning
and I was stranded in Queens!

The tavern grew empty
the gaslights grew dim
the horse-drawn carriages
were all but snowed in.

Last call was approaching
and my fortunes looked bleak
then I turned to my left
and stifled a shriek.

She had a peach fuzz beard
and weighed sixteen stone
She gobbled up hot wings
and swallowed the bones.

I muffled a scream
and threw up in my mouth
I asked, “where do you live?”
and she said, “one block south.”

I swallowed my pride
and six shots of whiskey
and prayed to the gods
that she wasn’t too frisky

Back in her cave
She prepared us a snack
‘neath her mighty hooves
the floorboards did crack.

But when she returned
she found a sound sleeper
and thus she became
the sexless innkeeper.

–
The Sexless Innkeeper (Ted)

‘Twas the night before this one
I had hours to kill
I sat in the tavern
grading parchments with quill

A busty young lassie
flashed me a grin
Her garb said classy
but her eyes whispered sin

She said, “you’re a teacher?”
I said, “yes indeed.”
“I must have you,” she moaned.
“I’m turned on by tweed!”

With haste we did scamper
to my chamber anon
Fell to the couch
and, bro, it was on.

I unlaced her bodice
our passions grew deeper
and thus ends the tale
of the sexless innkeeper.

Other stuff:

itwasthebestnightever.com — you’ve got to see the music video of Marshall and Nuno Bettencourt
“It was like we were on a date with the sad chubby girl our mom made us call.” - Barney
Marshall and Lily mourning the breakup, complete with ice cream and “I hate myself” comments
the photo montages: spilled Chinese food, cat-sitting for Lily’s mom… and the cat funeral
Was that really NPH and Cobie Smulders singing “All By Ourselves”?
Armani sweatpants
the rain scene and getting back together with the “bad boy … and girl.”

Photo Credit: CBS

There goes this future bride

Julia Hass — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 19:05:21 +0000

If conventional wisdom is to be believed, every little girl dreams of her wedding day with the same raptness devoted to wanting to be a princess or ballerina, only unlike these dreams, this one never dies.

These little girls clearly never watched television.

There are tons and tons of shows dedicated to every aspect of the wedding day, and most of them are on TLC or Lifetime. I’ve always had a sort of sick fascination with them. They’re good for watching when my sister’s around or I’ve got a mindless chore to do, like cleaning stringbeans. As I get older, though, and marriage becomes, well, not a looming possibility — because I’m only in my early twenties — but something that’s suddenly actually an option instead of a far-away fairy tale, the idea of engaging in these bridezilla wars or going to these ridiculous lengths for the perfect gown, the more these shows make me want to take my stringbean knife and impale myself upon it.

And then there are the scripted weddings in television, like last week’s Office, which comes in the grand tradition of Friends and especially How I Met Your Mother (which Pam and Jim’s wedding stole quite liberally from). Don’t get me wrong, I love these episodes. They’re funny, heartfelt, sweet, wonderful looks at weddings. They make me yearn for my mythical Jim Halpert or Marshall Erikson (like, more than usual). It’s not that they don’t make me want to get married, they just make me think that weddings are the worst idea of all time.

First of all, there are all those dinners you have to plan around weddings. The rehearsal dinner, the bachelor and bachelorette parties (dear future wedding party: no and no and no freaking way), and the reception. All that stuff adds up, and it adds up to a lot. And what are you paying for? Something Michael Scott-ian to happen with awkward toasts? Stuffing a lot of people in a fancy room and being unable to enjoy the food because, holy crap, you’re getting married and have a million things to plan?

And weddings like Jim and Pam’s have taught me that there will always be people at weddings who you have to invite, like your Meemaw or co-workers who, if you had your way, totally wouldn’t come. Sorry, Meemaws of my life, I don’t want to spend that much money on you. If I continue down this career path of writing, I won’t have that much money to spend on myself unless I marry some sort of major shareholder in, like, pork bellies or whatever is the only thing not tanking on Wall Street right now.

And things go wrong. I know, for comedic effect, these things are exaggerated on television shows. Unlike Monica and Chandler, I doubt my church (or synagogue, or wherever) will be in the process of being knocked down. My groom will hopefully not, unlike Marshall, shave off half of his hair. Heaven forbid I spend the night before with a member of the wedding party because he tore his scrotum.

More and more, I can’t help but think that there’s a reason Jim and Pam, like Lily and Marshall of yore, ran away and did the real wedding on their own, in private, with only the people important to them there, if anyone was there at all. It seems ingenious. Why even go through the fuss of having a crazy wedding when you can do something like that, which saves money, stress, and my sanity?

I’m not saying that there should be no party where shenanigans can happen, but maybe that should take place, like, later that weekend. I’m all for shenanigans. The aisle dance during this week’s Office, for instance, was when I burst into happy tears. That was great. Excellent. Amazing. (And, strangely, I totally disliked the exact same thing when it was on YouTube. Weird.) If I — like Jim and Pam and Marshall and Lily — knew that this was not really my wedding but merely a chance for my friends and family to celebrate, I, too, could be cool with anything and everything that went down. That’s what having a nice reception is for. But having an actual wedding ceremony along with that? I will be running for the nearest fire exit, and no one can stop me.

After this wedding episode of The Office, I sighed, wiped my tears, and changed to this week’s Project Runway, where they were re-working bridal gowns from divorcees. These woman spent all this time and money on these giant (or, in some cases, not-so-giant) monstrosities only to end up here, divorced and on a catwalk for Heidi Klum.

So I’m taking it as an omen. Weddings are not worth it. And I’m never, ever, ever letting myself be sucked into them. Thank you, Thursday night television, for teaching me this valuable life lesson.

Photo Credit: NBC

Ratings Clack – Favre and Baseball create havoc

Brett Love — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 15:00:43 +0000

It was a strange week for ratings. Brett Favre playing against Green Bay made for a huge Monday Night Football (21.84m/9) audience on ESPN. And then the baseball playoffs ran through the rest of the week, calling a lot of the seemingly odd drops in viewers into question. Despite that increased competition, there was some good news to be had. The Biggest Loser, Bones, The Office, Lie To Me, Castle, and The Simpsons all managed to make gains week-to-week. Dollhouse also got in the game, stopping a four episode streak of series lows. On the other side, it’s starting to look like ER took all of it’s viewers with it when it left. The premiere numbers for Three Rivers were not good, and NBC’s dueling medical dramas continue to struggle.

FOX - Animation Domination got the week off to a great start, with The Simpsons (9.38m/4.4), Cleveland (8.86m/4.4), Family Guy (9.86m/5.1), and American Dad (7.14m/3.6). Food for thought: In the demo, that makes Family Guy the #1 comedy of the week. On Monday, House (13.74m/5.4) looks to have taken a hit from football. The good news though, is that Lie To Me (8.06m/3.1) was up, despite the drop from House.

Tuesday and Wednesday were fairly steady with Hell’s Kitchen (7.43m/3.3), So You Think You Can Dance Tuesday (5.47m/2.5), SYTYCD Wednesday (6.22m/2.5), and Glee (7.28m/3.3). Thursday was another example of just how solid the Bones (10.29m/2.9) audience is. No matter the night, or the competition, it gets its numbers. And it is getting very close to passing up FlashForward in the demo as well. Unfortunately, Bones being up, and the appearance of Nimoy, didn’t help Fringe (5.83m/2.1). For now, let’s blame a special episode of The Office and see what happens next week.

Friday brought very similar results, with Brothers (2.35m/.8), Til Death (2.36m/.8), and Dollhouse (2.25m/1). If your glass is half full, those Dollhouse numbers are a win, because the streak of series lows that stretches back four episodes to last season was ended. If your glass is half empty … it was still the second lowest rated episode the series has had.

CBS - The Amazing Race (9.8m/2.8) was down to start the week, which didn’t offer much help to Three Rivers (8.97m/1.9). That’s really not good for the premiere. Cold Case (10.05m/2.2) was steady, if not impressive. Monday was down across the board with How I Met Your Mother (8.08m/3.4), Accidentally On Purpose (7.16m/2.8), 2 ½ Men (13.3m/4.4), Big Bang Theory (12.52m/4.7), and CSI: Miami (13.43m/3.9). I’m willing to chalk that up to football, but the AOP demo is something to keep an eye on.

Tuesday’s lineup, NCIS (20.7m/4.3), NCIS:LA (16.31m/3.6), and The Good Wife (13.69m/2.9) was also down every hour, but still far and away #1 for the night. There were gains on Wednesday as Old Christine (6.86m/1.9) and Gary Unmarried (6.84m/2.2) were both up. Criminal Minds (14.05m/3.6) and CSI:NY (12.43m/2.9) were both down slightly, but Criminal Minds did take back the number one spot in the demo from ABC.

Thursday was another night of decreases, with Survivor (11.69m/3.4), CSI (14.89m/3.5), and The Mentalist (14.7m/3.3) all down. On the plus side, all were the most watched programs in their slots. Friday was again a cake walk, with Ghost Whisperer (8.6m/2.1) and Medium 8.3m/1.9) up week-to-week. Numb3rs (7.13m/1.6) was slightly down in viewers, but did win the hour.

NBC – As always, Sunday Night Football (18.42m/7.4) is solid. The Biggest Loser (9.25m/3.7) also did well, gaining week-to-week and winning the 9PM hour in the demo. More good news came from the big wedding episode of The Office (9.42m/4.8). That is higher in viewers and demo than every episode from last season. Elsewhere, it was a very NBC week.

Heroes (5.46m/2.4) continues to explore new lows. And that isn’t helping Trauma (5.37m/2.7). Mercy (7.43m/1.8) is doing slightly better, but that’s still not what you would call a real success, given the weak Wednesday competition. Community (4.87m/1.9) made the big move to 8, and managed less viewers than SNL Thursday. It did, at least, provide a boost for Parks & Recreation (4.75m/2.1). Things were slightly brighter for L&O SVU (8.29m/2.6) and Law & Order (7.23m/1.5), but both are not even close to doing what they once did.

Leno? He had a tough week. The numbers continue to slowly grind down to a level, with this week finding two nights dropping below 5 million viewers. Tuesday remains his most successful night. The only nights where he isn’t last in both measures are Tuesday (2nd in demo) and Wednesday (2nd in viewers).

Monday (4.45m/1.5)
Tuesday (6.22m/2.1)
Wednesday (5.72m/1.7)
Thursday (4.84m/1.7)
Friday (5.33m/1.4)

ABC – Things got off to a nice start Sunday as Extreme Makeover (11.63m/3.4), Desperate Housewives (14.64m/5), and Brothers & Sisters (9.46m/3.2) were all up. A return to the 5s in the demo is very encouraging for Desperate Housewives. With Monday, the network started suffering many of the same drops the other networks saw. Dancing With The Stars (16.35m/3.5) was down, but still strong. On the plus side, despite that drop, Castle (9.23m/2.2) was up just a bit.

DWTS (12.42m/2.6) was down on Tuesday as well, while Shark Tank (5.15m/1.5) and The Forgotten (7.55m/1.9) both saw small viewer gains. Wednesday was one of those very curious nights, with Hank (6.45m/1.6), The Middle (6.79m/2.1), Modern Family (8.82m/3.4), Cougar Town (7.84m/3.2), and Eastwick (5.14m/1.8) all suffering large losses. We’ll have to wait for next week to see how much of that sticks. The best news there is probably for Castle, which is now well above The Forgotten and Eastwick.

Thursday remains a strong night for the network with FlashForward (9m/3), Grey’s Anatomy (14.13m/5.4), and Private Practice (9.5m/3.6). Those numbers still have FlashForward ahead of where Ugly Betty was last season, but it has now fallen to third in viewers and second in the demo. It will be interesting to see where it plateaus. Private Practice is notable because it remains ahead of The Mentalist in the demo, which is an unexpected win.

CW - One Tree Hill (2.13m/1.1), Gossip Girl (2.08m/1.1), and 90210 (2.09m/1.2) were all down in viewers this week, with 90210 gaining a tenth in demo. Melrose Place (1.6m/.9), on the other hand, was up in both measures. I believe the gains come from starting the episode with Katie Cassidy in her underthings, and look forward to the network taking that into account as they film new episodes.

With Next Top Model (3.15m/1.5), Wednesday was down just a touch in viewers, and up a whole bunch in WTF? Seriously, why is there a repeat of Melrose following the number two show on the network? The spot is open, and Smallville would obviously do better Wednesday at 9. Thursday, Vampire Diaries (3.52m/1.7) continues to lead the network, and Supernatural (2.47m/1.2) had a small drop in viewers. Friday, Smallville (2.3m/1) was down year to year, but still managed more viewers than OTH, GG, 90210, and MP.

Cable - Monday Night Football (21.84m/9) took full advantage of all of the Favre craziness, topping everything on the broadcast networks for the week in viewers and demo. Other highlights this week included the Entourage finale (2.49m/1.5), Sons Of Anarchy (3.67m/2), and Project Runway (3.22m/1.5). Also of note, the Seinfeld reunion was able to add an extra half million viewers to Curb Your Enthusiasm (1.56m/.7). In really crazy drop numbers, remember that Jon & Kate premiere with 10 million viewers? All of their shenanigans have resulted in the latest episode managing just 1.71 million. Some other cable numbers to peruse:

Army Wives (3.33m/1.1)
Drop Dead Diva (2.79m/.9)
Dexter (1.37m/.6)
Californication (.77m/.4)
South Park (2.67m/1.3)
Secret Girlfriend (1.55m/.8)
WWE RAW (4.71m/1.6)
The Ultimate Fighter (2.76m/1.6)
It’s Always Sunny (1.51m/.9)
Mad Men (1.91m/.7)
Bored To Death (1.08m/.5)
The Hills (2.3m/1.4)
The City (1.61m/.9)
Lincoln Heights (.75m/.2)
Greek (.72m/.3)
Top Chef (2.76m/1.5)
Mythbusters (1.89m/.9)
Ghost Hunters (2.74m/1.3)
Destination Truth (2.04m/1)
Sherri (.44m/.1)
Rita Rocks (.28m/.1)

Photo Credit: FOX

Quotation Marks – Special Weddings, Swimfan, and seminars

Ivey West — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 14:53:24 +0000

The week that NBC proved to everyone that they don’t care about hour long dramas anymore, they at least gave Jim/Pam ’shippers the moment they’d been waiting for, a very special Wedding on The Office. Matt Damon showed up on the Entourage finale, and got a good one in on Drama. And Glee proves that it is easily the most quotable show on television today.

The Office

“What are you doing?” — Oscar
“I’m trying to decide if I have time to pee.” — Kevin
“How long do you take to pee?” — Oscar
“The peeing is fast, Oscar. It’s getting my tie back on.” — Kevin

FlashForward

“I’m the CEO of the airline. All the executives are taking flights today, to prove to the customers that the skies are safe again.” — CEO
“How’s that working out for you?” — Zoey
“Gangbusters. Another scotch” — CEO

Psych

“Imagine Robert Goulet dressed like Mr. Bean playing the scarecrow in a summer stock production of The Wizard of Oz dedicated to Tony Randall.” — Stewart, the client, describing Lassiter

“Why are you reading that file like Mr. Peanut?” — Shawn to Lassiter, who was sporting a monocle

“This could be a matter of life and death… or mange.” — Shawn, trying to convince Jules to send some hair to the lab

Modern Family

“I’m all about taking it to the next level.” — Phil
“Really? Because I thought you were all about keeping it real.” — Claire
“Yeah, but you keep it real so you can take it to the next level, didn’t you know that?” — Phil

Glee

“I can’t get Rachel out of my head. She kind of creeps me out in that Swimfan sort of way, but she can really sing and her body’s smokin’. If you’re not into boobs.” — Finn

“Look at us. You pregnant and me with psoriasis and one testicle that won’t descend. I don’t know who to feel more sorry for.” — Ken Tanaka to Terri

“While the boys chose a selection of songs that casts an eye inward to reflect the hunger of today’s modern teens, we’ve chose a selection of songs that speaks to the nation as a whole during these troubling times of economic uncertainty and unbridled social roil, because if there are two things America needs right now, it is sunshine and optimism. And also, angels.” — Rachel

“Do yourself a favor, honey, and marry Ken Tanaka. Oh, sure, he’s dumb like sand, and his fondue pot of nationalities is going to open your kids up to a host of genetic diseases. But he’s kind, and he’s generous, and he’s available.” — Terri to Emma

Cougar Town

“You can’t use the same person for both things. One’s a gardener and the other’s an artist.” — Jules on waxing eyebrows and the bikini area

How I Met Your Mother

“Yes, totally. Only thing, I like my testicles attached to my body rather than rolling around next to some eyeliner in Robin’s purse.” — Barney to Ted, about changing to be a better boyfriend to Robin

“It’s funny, when you date someone it’s like you’re taking one long course on who this person is, and when you break up all that stuff becomes useless. It’s the emotional equivalent of an English degree.” — Ted

House

“I’d rather have a pinprick on my conscience than the death of her family members.” –Cuddy to Cameron about taking blood from one of Dibala’s coerced people.

“I need you to spread your legs so I can do an ‘H’.” – House to Cameron as he’s miming the diagnosis to Foreman

“I’d stand outside your window with a boombox all night but you told me you hate ’80s music.” –Foreman to Thirteen as he tries to make up with her

Entourage

“I’m out of the business.” — Drama
“Were you in the business?” — Matt Damon

“Yeah, he must have slipped out. But I can see the brochures opened up here on the table.” — Drama
“Put him on the fucking phone, John.” — Matt Dmaon
[Hands phone to Vince] “Sorry, he Jason Bourne-ed me.” — Drama

“I … I represent Jon & Kate Plus 8!” — Talent agent at Ari’s old (and now new) firm
*pow pow pow pow pow pow* — Ari’s paintball gun

Californication

“Have you taken the sexual harassment seminar yet?” — Felicia, after Hank says something offensive
“Yeah, I had Jill take it for me online. What? It’s like traffic school!” — Hank

“I may be easy, but I am not sleazy.” – Hank

Next Iron Chef

“I’m not even sure how to get at it. The thing’s like a weapon.” — Chef Farmerie on his secret ingredient, Durian.

Photo Credit: NBC

Durham County; House; How I Met Your Mother – In that order

Keith McDuffee — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 17:30:33 +0000

Here are my picks, once again, for what I felt were the three best shows of the night:

Durham County — ION is currently airing the final couple of episodes of season one, but I decided to go ahead and finish up season two last night. Wow. Simply WOW. Brutal and disturbing, yet filled with great performances from the entire cast. It also set things up for what promises to be a crazy ride of a third season. Once that’s airing again, you can bet I’ll be posting about it more regularly here.

In any case, every episode of season one of Durham County was awesome, so episode four of that season (which is what aired on ION last night) would certainly rank up there as number one here.

House — At first I wasn’t all that game with Monday night’s episode, but when Deb and I noted how the episode seemed to be giving a shout-out to Showtime’s Dexter, it kicked it up a few notches. The shared theme: is it morally OK to kill another human being if you believe you’re saving lives in the process? Is it OK to murder “bad people?” While that’s not a subject Dexter really struggles with in what he does (other than when following the code of Harry), the staff on House had to come to terms with it in a big way.

Then, of course, there was House injecting Sodium Penothal into the neck of his one-armed neighbor. That was probably the most shocking moment on the show in a long time, and I put that up there with the Kutner incident because most people knew someone was getting killed off, we just didn’t know who.

How I Met Your Mother — A rather distant third. Not the best I’ve seen come from the show, and I judge that on how many times I laughed out loud during the episode. Not much. Like with just about every episode of HIMYM, there aren’t necessarily a “bad” episodes of the show, just ones that I wish were funnier.

As for other shows Monday night, I watched some of Castle but it was putting me to sleep, so that’s when Durham County came in. Can’t say I made a bad choice there, but now I’m all out of Durham County episodes to watch!

Photo Credit: ION

How I Met Your Mother’s Barney and Robin: just a typical couple

Debbie McDuffee — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 01:01:30 +0000

“Yes, totally. Only thing, I like my testicles attached to my body rather than rolling around next to some eyeliner in Robin’s purse.” – Barney to Ted, about changing to be a better boyfriend to Robin

I said a few weeks ago in my post about the premiere that I loved the way they were handling the Robin / Barney pairing. Yeah, they blew that tonight. After Robin becoming the typical girlfriend last week, jealous over Barney frequenting a strip club, “Robin 101″ gave us a run-of-the-mill typical relationship angst episode. All that we love about Barney and Robin has died, withered like the plant on my mantle.

Sure, we got the Bays-Thomas non-linear storytelling, we got some funny quotes and we even got some catch-phrases, but the overarching problem of this episode just kept nagging at me. Man, I think I sound like Aryeh, don’t I? I don’t mean to be negative, really I don’t, but I didn’t laugh out loud tonight, and I really, really want that from How I Met Your Mother.

Can we talk about the gags? They were a little bit entertaining, so I’m going to list them, but an inaudible chuckle was a sad replacement for the obnoxious guffaws in my living room the night of the premiere.

Barney trying to sneak out: “It’s not a one night stand, we’re dating. Come back to bed.” – Robin
Lily having questionable dreams starring Robin
the Bermuda triangle, a.k.a. the curb in front of their building
Fantasy football, the go-to excuse when you don’t want anyone knowing you’re talking about them
the slide show of Robin’s facial expressions
Diffusing the bomb
picturing Robin’s thumb-less uncle eating corn on the cob
If only Robin’s dad would share: “Robin, I’m proud of you, eh.”
“Oh captain my captain.”
the left knee lie
The useless information in your brain after you break up with someone is “the emotional equivalent of an English degree.”
thumbs up!

Did this episode fall a bit flat for you tonight?

Photo Credit: CBS

Ratings Clack – Is Dollhouse about to get pulled?

Brett Love — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 14:00:39 +0000

Week two of the full-tilt-boogie season brought with it some interesting things, including premieres for Animation Domination, The Amazing Race, Trauma, Hank, and The Middle. We also saw more huge numbers from House, NCIS, and Grey’s. But after all of that, the most interesting story again comes from the show with the worst ratings on all of the big four networks, Dollhouse. After season two premiered to a series low last week, things got even worse. Episode two just barely cleared the 2 million viewer bar, while falling below a 1 in the demo. Reached for comment, my BFF Jill said, “OMG! RLY!?”

Yes, really. The situation is dire. Even the hardcore Whedonites are now at DEFCON 1. Someone has got word that the show could be in danger of being pulled from the air. I don’t know anything more than they do about that, but I would expect it to get one more shot this Friday, before baseball takes over. If episode three doesn’t show some sort of improvement though, I wouldn’t be surprised if baseball makes way for a series of House and Bones repeats on Fridays at 9.

FOX - Since Dollhouse (2.09m/.8) led things off, let’s start there. That is absolutely terrible. To put it in perspective, 6 of the 7 new hours on the CW last week beat it in viewers and the demo. And the 7th, Melrose Place, still managed to tie it in the demo. It also again fell short of its Friday partners, Brothers (2.42m/.8) and ‘Til Death (2.29m/.8). Fortunately for FOX, while the end of the week was a disaster, the beginning was the complete opposite.

Things got off to a great start with the premiere of Animation Domination. The Simpsons (8.31m/4.3) was off just a touch from last season’s premiere, but The Cleveland Show (9.51m/4.9), Family Guy (10.11m/5.2), and American Dad (7.14m/3.6) all brought year-to-year increases to their spots. The good news continued Monday, with House (14.71m/5.8). That is more than 2 demo points above second place Dancing With The Stars. From there, things were more mixed.

Lie To Me (7.73m/2.9) was a solid third in viewers and demo, but those numbers are all too close to where it was while airing at 8 last season. I expected more of a boost, given the post-House slot. Wednesday and Thursday were a mixed bag, with Hell’s Kitchen (6.64m/3.1), So You Think You Can Dance (5.18m/2.4 – 6.81m/2.7), and Glee (7.4m/3.3). Hell’s Kitchen and Glee are solid, but SYTYCD could be doing better. I’m curious to see what happens when the all too-long audition episodes end. Finally, Thursday was a repeat of last week with Bones (9.43m/2.7) holding strong, and Fringe (6.03m/2.3) getting crushed by the heavyweight Thursday competition.

CBS - The Dollhouse kerfuffle trumped NCIS (21.37m/4.8) for my before-the-jump spot, but just barely. Surprising just about everyone, NCIS not only held on to all of the demo from the premiere, but also increased in viewers. That led to a great Tuesday. Combined with NCIS: LA (17.39m/4.1) and The Good Wife (13.69m/3.2), the network was up in viewers and demo in every hour year-to-year. Earlier in the week, The Amazing Race (10.4m/3.4) returned to solid numbers on Sunday, followed by Cold Case (9.19m/2.1).

Monday was also a big success, overall. How I Met Your Mother (8.71m/3.6), 2 ½ Men (13.86m/4.8), Big Bang Theory (13.27m/5.3), and CSI: Miami (13.96m/4.1) all did great. We’re getting very close to Big Bang taking over as the outright #1 comedy on television. The only real misstep was Accidentally On Purpose (8.03m/3.1). That’s not bad, but it does stand out compared to the rest of the night.

The rest of the week proceeded as expected. Old Christine (6.65m/1.9) and Gary Unmarried (6.65m/2.2) remain the weak spot in the lineup, while Criminal Minds (14.24m/3.8) and CSI: NY (13.16m/3.3) own the rest of Wednesday. CSI (15.94m/4.1) narrowly edged Grey’s in viewers, but is now getting hammered in the demo. The other two hours on Thursday have much more intriguing battles shaping up. Survivor (11.54m/3.7) and FlashForward are very close, and that one could go either way each week. And at 10, The Mentalist (15.75m/3.8) couldn’t match the Private Practice premiere demo, but the two should be very interesting to watch going forward. Finally, it was another easy win on Friday; despite everything being down, the perfect combination of Ghost Whisperer (7.63m/1.7), Medium (7.72m/1.8), and Numb3rs (7.73m/1.6) won every hour.

ABC - Things were a little less exciting on ABC. There was some good news. Grey’s Anatomy (15.69m/6.1) remains huge, and led to a great premiere for Private Practice (11.58m/4.6). Desperate Housewives (13.64m/4.7), while down, is still a legitimate hit. And Brothers & Sisters (9.38m/3) is solid following it. The network also has to be excited about the week two performances of Modern Family (9.99m/3.8), Cougar Town (9.25m/3.8), and FlashForward (10.73m/3.7). All three held up very well and look to have greatly improved their places on the schedule.

Things weren’t quite as good elsewhere. Dancing With The Stars (17.03m/3.7 – 13.02m/2.7) is still a viewer machine on performance night, but it was more than two full demo points behind House. The results show has now fallen to second in viewers and third in the demo. The show is still strong, but not nearly what it once was. Elsewhere, Castle (9.15m/2.2) remains rather soft, although comparisons with The Forgotten (7.45m/2), and Eastwick (6.57m/2.3) may help it. Finishing the week, Hank (8.33m/2.1) and The Middle (8.71m/2.6) had disappointing numbers, considering they were premieres in a fairly weak hour. They’ll have their hands full with Gary and Christine in coming weeks. And finally, Shark Tank (4.75m/1.5) has now fallen below Opportunity Knocks from this time last year. And we all know how that ended.

NBC – The good news, as usual, comes from Sunday Night Football (17.47m/6.8), The Biggest Loser (9.18m/3.7), and The Office (7.41m/3.9). The bad news starts with Heroes (5.72m/2.5), and continues to SNL Thursday (5.02m/1.8), Parks & Recreation (4.67m/2), and Law & Order (6.68m/1.2). Somewhere in the middle, we find the dueling medical dramas, Trauma (6.68m/2.2), and Mercy (7.39m/2.1). Those are iffy demos, especially considering Mercy’s competition, but the fact that they are both getting more viewers than Heroes, and three of the four Thursday comedies, is at least a small positive.

Community (5.86m/2.9) rebounded slightly after the Grey’s and CSI premieres last week, but those numbers don’t bode well for its debut at 8 next week. I’d be shocked to see it match Earl from this time last season (7.09m/2.7). Finally, the most curious result of all has to be Law & Order SVU (8.09m/2.5). The show has been a huge winner for the network for years, and I really expected a battle with Criminal Minds. Getting beaten by 6 million viewers and 1.3 demo points has to come as a surprise.

CW - Overall, you’d have to call it a positive week. One Tree Hill (2.51m/1.1) and Gossip Girl (2.36m/1.2) were both up after last week’s big House special delivered quite a blow. Likewise, 90210 (2.21m/1.1) and Next Top Model (3.28m/1.5) were both up as well. Vampire Diaries (3.53m/1.6) and Supernatural (2.6m/1.2) were both down slightly, but continue to be the strongest night in viewers and the adult demo for the network. Monday remains strongest among younger viewers. Smallville (2.39m/.9) even got in on the game; despite being obviously down from last season, it did manage to beat both hours on FOX on Friday. The real problem on the schedule is now Melrose Place (1.42m/.8), which has fallen behind where Privileged was at this time last season.

Cable – The shocking stat from the cable list this week is that I managed to turn up at least 13 shows with more viewers than Dollhouse. Really, those numbers are that bad. The real standout on cable though, was The Ultimate Fighter (5.31m/3.1) on Spike. Sons Of Anarchy (3.76m/1.9) also remains very strong for FX, especially considering it is airing during the regular network season. Some other cable numbers to ponder:

Stargate: Universe (2.35m)
Mad Men (1.73m/.6)
Entourage (1.87m/1.1)
It’s Always Sunny (2.02m/1.2)
Drop Dead Diva (2.52m/.8)
Project Runway (2.8m/1.3)
Curb Your Enthusiasm (1.05m/.6)
Bored To Death (.71m/.4)
Army Wives (3.38m/1.1)
WWE RAW (4.5m/1.6)
Monday Night Football (15.7m/6.6)
The Hills (2.36m/1.5)
The City (2.03m/1.3)
Ghost Hunters (2.89m/1.2)
America’s Best Dance Crew (2.25m/1.2)
Lincoln Heights (.86m/.3)
Greek (.74m/.4)
Kourtney & Khloe (2.23m/1.3)
Real Housewives of Atlanta (2.72m/1.5)
Destination Truth (2.33m/1)

Photo Credit: FOX

Quotation Marks – Van Halen, vampires, and vamps

Ivey West — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 15:52:41 +0000

Dollhouse

“The human mind is like Van Halen. If you just pull out one piece and keep replacing it, it just degenerates.” — Topher

Big Bang Theory

“I’m not crazy, my mother had me tested.” — Sheldon

“Just fine … ah dude, the fourth Harry Potter movie was just fine!” — Raj
–
“[fine is] a perfectly good word. You put in front of wine or dining and you’ve got something!” — Penny
“Let me ask you this: How was last night for you?” — Leonard
“It was … OK” — Penny
“OK?” — Leonard
“Its a perfectly good word … If you put in front of dokey and you’ve really got something!” — Penny

“Sex is never the way I dream it’s gonna be.” — Howard
“It’s because in your dreams you’re a horse from the waste down.” — Raj

Quotes from the Ether

“Yeeesh. Our numbers weren’t good last night… ” — @MoTancharoen

That’s the positive spin. The negative spin comes from TheHollywood Reporter’s James Hibberd.

“Dollhouse punches through rock bottom, finds Fox ratings netherworld” — @TheLiveFeed

“Take it slow,in the Dao. Easy skankin. good vibes into the ether. Tonight watch my balls burst into FLAMES SUNNY FX @ 10 PM est” — @Danny_Devito, with your weekly words of wisdom

Mercy

“OK, I’m just going to throw this out there … Do you think we might actually win sometimes if we didn’t drink during the game?” — Garcia [during a softball game]
“That is the dumbest thing you have ever said.” — Callahan

Cougar Toun

“You know, people can’t unhear the things you say.” – Grayson to Jules

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

“I like vampires I can be afraid of, not some douchebag with his hat on backwards.” — Craig Ferguson on the Twlight kids

Grey’s Anatomy

“Nice pin.” — Meredith
“His name is Mr. Bear. He eats children.” — Cristina

Vampire Diaries

“What’s so special about this Bella girl? …. I miss Anne Rice.” — Damon

Modern Family

“Am I attracted to her? Yes. Would I act on it? Absolutely not! As long as my wife was alive.” — Phil, on his feelings for a new neighbor

“My dad’s great with tools. He can get the wheels off a car in less than a minute.” – Manny

“In my culture, we take great pride in doing physical labor.” — Gloria
“I know, that’s why I hire people from your culture.” — Jay

“I know, tone down my natural gifts, dance like a straight guy.” — Cameron
“No slapping your own butt.” — Mitchell
“But that’s how I make my horsey go!” — Cameron

“We’re gonna drink some wine, eat some good food…. Y’know, we would do something like this a lot more often if it wasn’t for, y’know, Manny.” — Jay
“He’s good. He keep us grounded.” — Gloria
“Yeah … like fog at an airport.” — Jay

Glee

“You guys look like the world’s worst Benetton ad.” – April to Glee club

“I want you to be in the Glee club. We’ll get you sobered up … Buy you some underwear.” — Will

“Do I have to put my fingers in the holes? Couldn’t there be diseases in there or something?” — Rachel
“Aw, no, ball-sharing’s half the fun.” — Fin

“When I heard Sandy wanted to write himself into a scene as Queen Cleopatra I was aroused …And then furious.” — Coach Sylvester

Castle

“You know, if this one of those super sciency forensics shows, we’d stick some electrodes in this fish’s brains. Get a fish eye view of whatever they saw.” — Castle

How I Met Your Mother

“I once fantasized about that silhouette chick you see on a truck’s mudflaps. It took me less than a mile.” – Barney

Bones

“When did teenager’s start having sex?” — Cam, asking about her adopted daughter Michelle
“Hello!” — Angela
“If they could, they’d start in the morning and go ’till they dropped.” — Hodgins

Community

“Hey man. My name’s Jeff. I’m trying to lock down the rest of my schedule before the deadline. I heard this class was a cakewalk. Are you passing it?” — Jeff
“…” — Student
“Do you like Dane Cook?” — Jeff
“Yeah he’s awesome.” — Student
“So far so good.” — Jeff

“Choo!” — Troy
“Hey Troy sneezes like a girl!” — Jeff
“And how ’bout I pound you like a boy – that didn’t come out right.” — Troy

“I’ll have to make some adjustments to my film. Jeff, I think you should play the role of my father.” — Abed
“… I don’t want to be your father.” — Jeff
“That’s perfect, you already know your lines.” — Ahmed

The Mentalist

“Its not like we killed him, his neck was broken in the crash.” — Lisbon
“We got a confession.” — Jane
“Suppose you didn’t. Suppose you’d been wrong. Have you any idea of the vastness of the crapstorm that would follow?” — Minelli

Greek

“Old people having old people sex.” –Rebecca’s summation of Private Practice

“What’s with the pink bowtie?” — Rusty
“Oh, just feeling fancy today.” — Cappie

House

“Who’s the broad?” — House’s Asian cooking partner
“Missionary.” — House
“If she’s a missionary, why does she dress like a hooker?” — partner
“I meant the position.” — House

“Bed is for sissies. Unless you’re having sex, in which case… no, bed is still for sissies.” — House to Wilson, on staying up all night cooking obsessively

“How hard are you trying not to make a ball joke right now?” — Wilson
“They’re smoking.” — House
“…?” — Wilson
“Your balls.” — House
“Oh! No no no! They’re browning way too fast.” — Wilson
“Blue’s the color you have to watch out for.” — House
“Enough! They’re still raw inside. By the time they cook through the outside will be burnt.” — Wilson
“I think there’s a medicated powder for that.” — House

“House, you’ve got no reason to …” — Cuddy [with Wilson, accusing House of still using]
“Et tu, bootay?” — House

the Simpsons

“Sufferin Steve Ditko!” — Comic Book Guy

“So, do you want to see me naked” — Homer
“There’s no nudity in this movie” — Hollywood Executive
“What movie?” — Homer

Supernatural

“Hoard toilet paper. Hoard it like it’s made of gold.” — Future Chuck’s investment advice for Present Dean

“Rhonda Hurley. She made us try on her panties. They were pink … and satiny … and we kind of liked it.” — Present Dean convincing Future Dean that he’s from the past

Photo Credit: FOX

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