Within the last week, I’ve enjoyed two episodes of Psych from last season (finally caught up!), as well as the pilot of White Collar (twice), the new and extremely exciting series that premiered last weekend. And the latter included commercials for the upcoming season of Burn Notice. All of which actually got me thinking that, if not for the atypical situation of my being behind on one series, and a new one premiering, I might be spending long stretches of time with no USA Network whatsoever.

Now I’ll grant you that that’s not so strange, considering that the major networks take summers off (well, used to … and still should, judging by their offerings), and that USA offers only a handful of original programming. But what about the fact that I want what I want?

So I figured, why not just take it? USA has crafted such three-dimensional characters, that presumably they can be plucked from location “A” and dropped into “B” with nary a hiccup. I actually had a thought along those lines while watching the pilot of White Collar, when I imagined Michael Westen trying to locate a source who’d been arrested by Peter Burke and the FBI, only to be holed up with Mary Shannon in New Mexico. Maybe he hires Shawn and Gus to help locate the guy? It actually could work quite well — they did manage those Monk farewell commercials, as well as the “welcome to the neighborhood ones” from Burn Notice to Royal Pains.

But a crossover, while an awesome idea, is on them to produce. What does that do for me while I wait? So I had a better idea, at least in the sense of its immediacy. We’re all creative, right? So here’s what I’m going to do: I’m going to mentally pluck a two-person team from each of five USA original series, and relocate them all to one (original) Melrose Place-style apartment complex in some sunny, as yet to be determined locale — and we need an awesome name for the complex, too.

Where applicable, the tandems will be gainfully employed in their chosen professions, albeit relocated. But it’ll be the nightly group gatherings, as well as the cross-collaborations, that will make for the interesting read.

Who’re the lucky sweepstakes winners? Well, we have Neal Caffrey and Peter Burke (White Collar), Michael Westen and Fiona Glenanne (Burn Notice), Hank Lawson and Divya Katdare (Royal Pains), Shawn Spencer and Burton Guster (Psych), and Mary Shannon and Marshall Mann (In Plain Sight). Sure they’ll host some visitors (preferably limited to Sam Axe, Madeline Westin, Evan R. Lawson, Juliet O’Hara, Carlton Lassiter, Henry Spencer, and Bobby D.), but the main focus is on the above ten.

So, it’s up to you, mad scientists. I can certainly craft one or two “adventures of,” but what would you like to see if these ten people ever came together? Who do you think would click, and who would be at one another’s throats (and it counts even if they already are on their own show). Any potential romances? Cross-collaborative cases?

Go nuts … their characters are now in your hands.

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• White Collar continues to impress
• White Collar – I wonder if the real Fashion Week is as deadly as it appears on TV
• White Collar – Go with the best to catch the rest

The new season is just around the corner, but the wheels of development keep turning in the background. There was a lot of news this week about new pilots, mid-season shows, and casting for some of our favorites. Some of that is hit and miss, depending on your preferences. For example, I’m not exactly thrilled with the Party Down casting news. On the other hand, anything that puts more Rachelle Lefevre on our TVs is always okay by me.

• Mad Men continues to toil in relative obscurity, but those few fans it has are very loyal, and they should be happy to learn that AMC has ordered up another season of the show.
• HBO has ordered a pilot from Mike White and Laura Dern called Enlightened. A self destructive woman has a spiritual awakening and becomes determined to live an enlightened life, which creates havoc at home and work. It sounds nothing like The C Word, which sounded nothing like United States Of Tara.
• FOX, on the other hand, is going a little more traditional. They have  ordered 13 episodes of Jack and Dan. It sounds more interesting if I also tell you that the show was created by Matt Nix, creator and executive producer of Burn Notice. It’s a buddy cop show that Nix calls an action comedy.

• Jane Lynch is busy with Glee, which means they need a new funnywoman over at Party Down. They’ve chosen Megan Mullally to fill the spot, as a middle-aged divorcee that has moved to Hollywood so her 13-year-old daughter can become an actress.
• Lena Headey has been added to the cast of HBO’s Game Of Thrones. She’ll be playing Cersei Lannister, and that works for me. Bonus, when the time comes, and it will, she can lay the smack down on GRRM for missing deadlines.
• Apparently MTV has ordered a pilot for a TV series based on Teen Wolf. WTF? They describe their “fresh take” as having “more of an American Werewolf In Paris feel to it.” I’ll buy that, assuming they mean that like American Werewolf In Paris it will be a subpar imitation of the original that is mostly ignored.
• I don’t think this is a True Blood spoiler, but Mehcad Brooks (Eggs) has signed on to ABC’s mid-season drama The Deep End. The fact that nobody is even talking about The Deep End yet suggests he’ll have plenty of free time when True Blood starts filming again. But I am kind of rooting for the show, for the simple fact that it has Tina Majorino, Clancy Brown, and Rachelle Lefevre (Life On A Stick!) in it.
• We’re still months and months away from the return of Chuck, but news is trickling in. It turns out that Smallville’s Kristin Kreuk has signed on for multiple episodes as Hannah, a girl that gets in the way of the Chuck/Sarah for a couple episodes Chuck has feelings for.
• Chuck, Gossip Girl, and developing a CBS comedy  just aren’t enough work for Josh Schwartz, so now he is producing a pilot for ABC. This one is about a divorce lawyer that decides never to get married after witnessing what her clients go through. Phew. For a minute there I thought we might run out of new lawyer show ideas.
• What will it mean for Grey’s Anatomy now that both Ellen Pompeo and Katherine Heigl will be taking time off this season? Pompeo will be on maternity leave, and Heigl is leaving to make a movie. It’s just the opening Dr. Langston and his new wardrobe have been looking for.
• I’ve seen a lot of stories about Showtime’s new reality show, The Real L Word: Los Angeles, but most of them ignore one simple thing. They keep referring to the show as some kind of answer to Bravo’s Real Housewives series. And they keep ignoring the fact that it sounds a whole lot more like Logo’s Gimme Sugar. Props to shewired for making the connection.
• Can you believe that One Tree Hill is entering its 7th season? You can read all about the premiere episode, and watch the first four minutes of it below.

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Cable - We’ve already covered True Blood, but that success is translating to solid numbers for Hung (3.3m) and Entourage (3.2m) as well. Seeing record breaking numbers of their own, we have Wizards of Waverly Place over on Disney. The big special, Wizards of Waverly Place The Movie, brought in an unbelievable 11.4 million viewers. That makes it the number one cable program of the year so far.

If we step back a couple weeks, recent DVR data brings with it a couple of interesting nuggets. The fifth episode of Warehouse 13 ended up with 4.3 million viewers. That means it was the most watched original series telecast in the network’s history. I doubt it’s ever going to approach the legacy of the Stargate universe, but still, impressive.  Burn Notice also looked pretty good with DVR added in. The finale grand total was 9.1 million viewers. Good enough to be the most watched scripted episode on cable this year. More good news came in the form of the Royal Pains (5.9m) finale, which is now the most watched first season of an original series for USA. It knocked The 4400 off the top spot.

In other finale news, ABC Family finished off Make It Or Break It (2.4m/1.1) with the second most viewers of the show’s first season, while hitting highs in various demos. BET was also successful, with Tiny & Toya (1.9m). The show averaged 1.8 million viewers for the season, which makes it the number one original in BET history.

Lifetime had another strong week. Drop Dead Diva (2.9m) is doing great in the women’s demos, and has been renewed for a second season. Meanwhile, Project Runway (3.5m) did drop in its second episode, but that’s still a solid number. AMC suffered a similar drop with episode 2 of Mad Men (1.9m). The silver lining is that the show is still ahead of where it was in season two. Going the other way, Bravo’s Top Chef (2.8m) actually gained viewers from the premiere. And finally, Leverage (3.73m) remains steady for TNT, and also received a renewal this week.

ABC - Who Wants To Be A Millionaire (7.63m/1.5) ground to a steady, if unimpressive, halt with the finale episode of the summer event. And really, that kind of describes most of the week. The highlight was Wednesday, with Wipeout (7.56m/2.5) and the debut of Crash Course (5.06m/1.9). Shark Tank (5.61m/1.8), is still teetering on that could go either way edge. Dating in the Dark (4.18m/1.7) never really recovered from losing The Bachelorette. Shaq Vs (4.21m/1.7) appears to be, like Millionaire, steady, if not impressive. And then there is Defying Gravity (2.66m/.8), which was shuffled to Fridays in Canada. Those numbers make one wonder if a similar move isn’t in the offing for the show here.

NBC – As expected, America’s Got Talent carried the week with Tuesday (11.19m/3.1) and Wednesday (10.87m/2.9) outings. Unfortunately, the network has nothing else to pair it with. The rest of the original lineup consisted of the finale of Merlin (3.22m/1 – 3.92m/1.1), Miss Universe (5.84m/2), and Great American Road Trip (4.79m/1.4). Not a bad demo number for Miss Universe, but a pretty weak showing for everything else.

CBS - Once again, the most successful night of the week was Monday, as the repeats won in viewers and demo. For original programming, Big Brother on Sunday (7.36m/1.8), Tuesday (7.41m/2.5), and Thursday (8.08m/2.7) was joined by a news special, Ted Kennedy: The Last Brother (4.6m/.9). Big Brother has been solid all summer, and I would expect we’ll see it again next year.

FOX - It would appear that everyone was either out on the Glee campaign trail, or busily prepping for the fall launches. FOX only managed two new hours of programming, with Hell’s Kitchen (7.47m/3.4) and More To Love (4.24m/1.8). If you really want something to chew on, put this one in your back pocket. Repeats of Fifth Grader on Friday averaged 4.43m/1.1. I think we’ll be setting the over/under for Dollhouse right about there.

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• Ratings Clack – The last summer ratings post
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I was as excited as anyone about Fringe at the start of last season. My hopes were really high for the show, but after five or six episodes it became pretty evident that the show just wasn’t for me. I’ve never been a big fan of procedurals, and the format of Fringe was too case-of-the-week for me, to say the least.

I have to admit, however, that I was really intrigued by the overarching MacGuffin of “the Pattern.” The problem, though, was that the burn was just too darn slow for me, and it seemed like the only part of any episode that I was interested in was the final five minutes.

As I’ve been looking at how shows deal with their mysteries all summer, I’ve been trying to think of how different shows approach the bigger stories. I think Fringe is fairly unique in that in most of the episodes that I saw, there were small clues to the bigger picture, but they were most often pushed back to the very closing minutes of the show. Several times I joked to friends that I was going to start watching only the last five minutes of each show. Alas, I decided to just give up on it all together (though, hearing about how the series finished up its first season, I am kind of curious to give it another shot).

It’s a funny thing, because I’m completely fine with the slow burn on shows like Lost, but the slow burn in Fringe just seemed like teasing to me for some reason. Perhaps it is because I just wasn’t interested in many of the case-of-the-week plots on Fringe, and I just wanted to know more about the mystery of Massive Dynamic and what the real story was.

Fringe isn’t the only show like this, however. I think it’s fair to group Burn Notice into this category too. Every week, Michael and his gang are on a different case, and each episode usually ends with Michael getting one step closer to answers about his burn notice.

So… the question then becomes, why does Burn Notice work for me when Fringe doesn’t? Is it possible that Fringe made their MacGuffin too interesting? The teases on Fringe were frustrating because I cared more about them than I did the rest of the show. With Burn Notice, it’s the opposite case, with the weekly cases usually over shadowing the mystery of Michael’s burn. Quite frankly, I just don’t care that much about who burned him. Is it really possible for a writer to make their show too interesting? It seems like an odd thing to ask, but in these cases, I think that might be the issue at hand.

When the larger arc is so interesting, it puts a lot more pressure on the writers to make the case-of-the-week that much more interesting. It’s certainly a dangerous game to play. Though, I think I am in the minority with my opinion on Fringe, so I may be way off base with these crazy questions….

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• What is it about Warehouse 13?
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Last month I pitted famous movie cars/trucks versus their TV counterparts. It was a scintillating smack down that came down to a photo finish. When the smoke of burned rubber cleared, the big screen bounced the small screen to the curb. Well, TV demanded a rematch, and I was more than happy to oblige. The squawk box crew have been fine-tuning their machines. Not to be outdone, the film boys aren’t ready to relinquish the title of racing’s top dog. So, grab your sister/wife and a cooler of Bud Light — it’s time to hit the track.

Race #1 – Ecto-1 from Ghostbustersvs. GMC Vandura van from The A-Team

One team rid the Big Apple of slimy ghosts and ghouls. The other team rid society of those who oppressed the weak. A converted 1959 Cadillac ambulance takes on a tricked-out van driven by B.A. Baracus. Tough call.

Winner: Gotta go with the van. Ecto-1 is a greater risk to break down.

Race #2 – DeLorean from Back to the Future vs. TARDIS from Doctor Who

The ultimate movie time-machine stares down the quintessential TV time-traveling device. Crazy Doc Brown is in one corner, with suave Doc Who in the other. Technically, TARDIS isn’t a vehicle, but it is a mode of transport.

Winner: The DeLorean kicks ass, but has serious issues in olden times. Not the case with TARDIS. TV takes an early 2-0 lead.

Race #3 – 1977 Pontiac Trans Am from Smokey and the Bandit vs. “The General Lee” from Dukes of Hazzard

A Trans Am lines up beside a ‘69 Dodge Charger. Let’s call this the “Bo” challenge: Bo Darville against Bo (and Luke) Duke. Nobody runs from the authorities like these felonious fellas.

Winner: The “Bandit” pulls away at the end.

Race #4 – 1969 Dodge Charger from Death Proof vs. 1973 Dodge Charger from Burn Notice

A classic battle. The murderous Stuntman Mike decides to tussle with super-spy Michael Westen. Lest we forget, Stuntman is a pussy who enjoys chasing innocent girls. Mr. Westen has balls of steel.

Winner: Westen … Michael Westen.

Race #5 – The 1958 Plymouth Fury from Christine vs. the Peterbilt 281 tanker truck from Duel

Nothin’ beats a supernatural showdown. Both these murderous machines are a bit temperamental. Cross their paths and you may end up a bloody stain on the highway. That would suck.

Winner: The truck is bigger, but “Christine” is a beast. The Plymouth triumphs in this scary sprint.

It was another tight competition, but the small screen avenges its earlier loss to big brother. Congratulations to television. Thanks for playing, race fans.

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You know spies — bunch of bitchy little girls. And this week in the ratings post, our favorite spies were beaten by some little girls. It was very close though, if that makes the shot to the ego a little easier to take for Sam and Michael. Those two were the headlines for what was a big week on cable. Also clocking in with records were True Blood, Warehouse 13, Kendra, Nurse Jackie, and Tori & Dean. Back on the networks, there weren’t really a lot of records to be had. Reality continued to rule with good outings from America’s Got Talent, Hell’s Kitchen, and So You Think You Can Dance.

Cable - Lots of good numbers on cable this week. Let’s start it off with the two big shows from the lead paragraph. Burn Notice (7.6m) had it’s ridiculous summer finale. Not that the show was ridiculous, it was actually very good, but the whole idea of a summer finale is. Aside from the fact that split seasons just break up the flow for viewers, the show is on such a great run, why stop now? Next week, there could be another new Burn Notice up against Grey’s, CSI, and House repeats, and a 68 year old movie. Instead, they’ve elected to wait ’til winter, when new Grey’s, CSI, The Office, and Fringe episodes are all in play. Ridiculous.

As mentioned earlier, while that was a great result for Burn Notice, it couldn’t match Nickelodeon’s results for iCarly’s “iFight Shelby Marx” (7.9m). I have no idea what iCarly iFighting Shelby Marx means for the world at large, because I’ve never actually watched iCarly, but 7.9m viewers is pretty dang impressive. Along similar lines, we have some numbers for recent episodes of Disney’s Phineas and Ferb (3.7m) and Wizards of Waverly Place (4.8m). Those are the second best numbers ever for Phineas and Ferb.

Also setting records, True Blood (4.3m) just keeps gaining momentum for HBO.  That is another series high. Hung (3.4m) and Entourage (3.3m) are both holding strong as well. Not to be outdone (OK, being outdone a little)… Showtime had a record as well. Nurse Jackie (1.36m) set a series high of its own. That came following Weeds (1.61m), which is notable because it’s up from the premiere of the season.

DVR numbers have rolled in for the second episode of Warehouse 13. The additional viewers bump the total to 4.15 million, making the July 14th episode the most-watched non-premiere telecast in the history of the network. Meanwhile, over at E!, Kendra (2.1m) called it a season. Not only is that better than the numbers for Girls Next Door, you have to go back to the Anna Nicole Show in 2002 to find a higher rated first season finale.

Oxygen had good news as well, with the finale for Tori & Dean: Home Again (1.47m). The show set a record for the network in the adult demos. Over at TLC, Jon & Kate Plus 8 (4m – 4.2m) returned to ratings that don’t match what they did before the breakup hiatus. And finally, not only did The Food Network get it right by choosing Melissa d’Arabian as the winner of Next Food Network Star (5.94m), they were also rewarded with a huge audience for the finale. Back at the networks, things aren’t nearly as exciting…

ABC - The week got off to a hopeful start, with the introduction of the new drama Defying Gravity (3.69m/1.1). With those numbers, those hopes were quickly dashed against the rocks, and the week continued on that path. Dating In The Dark (3.64m/1.6) took a hit not airing behind The Bachelorette. It should rebound next week when Millionaire is back. The Superstars (2.85m/.9) finale offered no help. And the lone bright spot for the week wasWipeout (7.76m/2.6). The rest of the new programming consisted of I Survived A Japanese Game Show (3.92m/1.4 – 3.61m/1.4), Surviving Suburbia (2.73m/.7), and The Goode Family (1.63m/.5).

NBC - Things were somewhat better for NBC, thanks to America’s Got Talent on Tuesday (12.66m/3.5) and Wednesday (10.13m/2.7). The rest of the week, however, is nothing to write home about. Sunday brought Merlin (4.46m/1.1) and The Storm (4.13m/1). Monday was Great American Road Trip (4.62m/1.3). And Wednesday also included The Philanthropist (4.35m/1.2). Perhaps they should have started Leno at 10 in the summer, where his numbers would look good.

CBS - It was another week with just Big Brother being offered as new programming. The show continues to be steady, if not outstanding, on Sunday (6.91m/2.2), Tuesday (6.61m/2.4), and Thursday (6.7m/2.3). It’s also worth noting that CBS won Monday night in viewers and the demo with repeats of the comedy block and CSI: Miami.

FOX - The big winner this week, based on the fact that they have more than one show doing solid numbers. Hell’s Kitchen (6.46m/3.1) is strong enough that it’s already been renewed for two more seasons. And So You Think You Can Dance called it a season with shows on Wednesday (7.59m/2.7) and Thursday (9.33m/3.4). Those finale numbers are notable, as the demo was up over the previous finale, and the 9.3m viewers was a season high. How that all translates to the fall installment is the tricky question. Elsewhere, More To Love (4.06m/1.9)  hasn’t caught on with viewers yet. Finally, Fifth Grader (4.4m/1.1) and Mental (3.26m/.9) wrapped things up with another FOX Friday.

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We’re actually coming to the end of season 2 here. There’s a lot of action in the last two episodes, and we get a pretty interesting resolution to the whole Carla storyline. I wouldn’t necessarily call it a satisfying resolution, but it was interesting. In the meantime, we get a secret fiancee, an aborted trip to Disney World, and an erstwhile sitcom dad — all things you look for in a good season finale.

(Season 2, Episode 15 “Sins of Omission”)

How on earth does a dude like Michael Westen find time to get engaged? And, seriously … how long will this thing between him and Fiona last? These are questions brought up in this episode, where we learn crazy things about Michael’s personal life. Apparently, he had a fiancee (or “fiance” as the CG wrongly says when Sam shows up at his door) that he never told anyone about. But more importantly, they broke up a decade ago, because Michael met and fell in love with Fiona while he and Sam were engaged. A decade ago! I know love is confusing and all, especially when there are bombs and shit involved, but come on. If you guys can’t figure it out after a decade, then something needs to happen.

Anyway, the highlight for me was that girl Sam stole some sort of MacGuffin, and a grey-haired Dutch totally kidnapped her kid. He’s lost weight since The Shield, and looks pretty bad-ass. It was nice seeing him on this episode. Michael, of course, outsmarted him and Sam had to leave town, but it’s always fun to see a little bit of Michael’s past.

But in the present, Victor is still apparently trying to kill Michael. Well, kind of. He tells Michael that if he can get Carla off his back, he’ll keep him alive. But Michael, of course, wants answers: namely, “hey — why are you trying to kill me in the first place?” When Victor doesn’t answer, Michael kicks the shit out of him in the men’s room at city hall (which has neon lighting, because apparently south Florida is tacky everywhere, all the time) and wheels him out, probably to deliver him to Carla.

(Season 2, Episode 16 “Lesser Evil”)

OMG. All of our questions were answered! Okay, not really at all, but it turns out that Carla isn’t just some crazy bitch working all alone with the sole purpose of making Michael’s life miserable. Instead, she’s totally working for Frasier’s dad! And in addition to making Michael’s life miserable, they’re also protecting him — presumably from other ex-sitcom stars who want to make his life even worse. See, it just hurts because it’s working.

Before Michael found all of this out though, he had a pretty shitty day. Carla went after his mom (again), and Sam had to blow up her house in order to save her. Plus, once he realized that Victor wasn’t so much a bad guy, as just a dude who had been screwed by Carla way worse than he’s been, Michael decided to team up with him and get them both out from under her thumb. Of course, Carla ended up shooting Victor, and Michael totally had to kill him in order to make a clean break. Granted, it was a mercy killing, but Michael still isn’t big on the whole murder thing, so it clearly bummed him out.

So based on all of this, when Frasier’s dad put Michael up in a helicopter and said, “but we’re totally helping you out!” Michael wasn’t too inclined to give a shit, even if Frasier’s dad was protecting him from a very pissed off Carl Winslow, or Danny Tanner, or whatever. So he jumped out of a helicopter. Obviously. I hope he’s a strong swimmer, because while it was a very effective way to prove a point, he was a long-ass way from Miami.

One note though: Before Victor died, Michael asked him why he didn’t try to find out who burned him. Victor replied that it didn’t matter; it was just a name in a file that led to another name, and on and on. I get this, but if this show is totally going to use it as an excuse to never answer the central question of “who burned Michael?”, I am going to be very pissed.

Related posts

• Diary of a Burn Notice Virgin – Carla returns and explosions follow
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Geesh. Does Michael Westen ever get a moment’s peace? Hah, never! Such is the life of a spy guy. Burn Notice ended its summer run in typical explosive fashion last night. Surprise, surprise, Mike’s status with the Agency is still in limbo; thanks in large part to him icing the sleazy Strickler, and Diego being chucked out of a Miami high-rise by the person or persons dispatched to “clean up” Mike’s mess. So, when the winter episodes are rolled out, Mike will have a brand new foe to play cat and mouse with. That’s fine and dandy, but did the finale measure up?

Mike’s biggest problem is that he wants it all. Getting his old gig back isn’t enough to keep him satisfied. He also wants his inner circle to stay intact. In particular, Fiona. His favorite Irish gal’s intention to leave Miami, and Maddie’s decision to sell her house, didn’t sit well with Mikey boy. For a dude who has spent the better part of his life dealing with unsavory characters, you would think he might realize there is no such thing as the best of both worlds. Vacillating between good guy and bad guy finally, well, burned him.

It took close to three years, but we were finally treated to a Fiona back-story. The writers shed some light on her days in Ireland by revealing that she has a dead sister and five brothers. She also racked up quite a long list of enemies, all of whom are eager to acquire a piece of her lovely self. It was nice to see Fi given a larger role in the last couple installments. Let’s face it, she’s been sexy window-dressing for the majority of the past two seasons. Yeah, she’s part of the team, but Michael, Sam, and even Maddie on occasion, have out-shined her.

Until now, Fi has been the tough chick who blows stuff up and is madly in love with Mike. She’s either been severely underwritten or shrouded in mystery on purpose. I think the latter, only because the series has been filled with wonderfully written characters, besides Mike, Sam and Maddie. Carla, Brennen, Barry and Seymour are all lesser personae who have stolen scenes and entire episodes. Perhaps the scribes have held back on digging deeper into Fiona’s background. Maybe that will change since she can’t return home. I sincerely hope it does.

At any rate, Fiona isn’t going anywhere. Does this mean we will get a resolution between her and Mike? I’m tired of these two dancing around their feelings. Fish or cut bait, please. Mike’s endless journey to discover who burned him has kept my interest much more than the romantic subplot. I don’t care whether they get together. I just want them to come to some sort of understanding.

For me, this finale was good, not great. Mike screwed up his future, big time; to such a degree that he’s further out in the cold than ever. The ultimate question is still unanswered: Did killing Strickler get Mike any closer to those responsible for revoking his spy license? I guess we’ll have to wait until the snow flies to find out.

Related posts

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The repetitive nature of the summer ratings have me so looking forward to the return of full schedules in the fall. Remember what that’s like? When CBS runs more than Big Brother, and The CW offers more than one burn-off episode of Easy Money. It was another week very much like so many of the previous weeks. Each of the big four networks has its summer reality tent-pole, and not a lot more. Meanwhile, over on cable, more good news for True Blood, Warehouse 13, and the Real Housewives.

ABC - The finale of The Bachelorette (9.93m/3.5) was the big winner for the week. Those are very good numbers, especially given that they are right on pace with last season’s finale. That probably helped Dating In The Dark (6.36m/2.5) retain most of its premiere audience. It will be interesting to see what happens to DITD next week, without The Bachelorette. The Bachelorette’s wrap up show, “After The Final Rose” (6.36m/2.5), also did well. Elsewhere, the network offered I Survived A Japanese Game Show (3.78m/1.4), Surviving Suburbia (2.6m/.6) and The Goode Family (1.78m/.5), but nobody was really interested.

NBC - America’s Got Talent continued to soar through the summer with appearances on Tuesday (12.76m/3.4) and Wednesday (10.9m/2.8). Unfortunately, that’s the extent of the highlights. Sunday’s pairing of Merlin (4.21m/1.1) and The Storm (4.9m/1.1) was rather mediocre. Although, it was still better than Monday’s Great American Road Trip (3.56m/1) and The Wanted (2.17m/.5). The Philanthropist (4.95m/1.4) made a little more noise, but that’s against no competition and following the most watched show on the network.

CBS – You could call it a down week for the network I suppose, considering that they only managed to take the viewer honors on two nights. But then, Big Brother was once again the only new programming, so even that has to look like a bit of a success. The show continues to tread water on Sunday (6.17m/1.9), Tuesday (6.16m/2.1), and Thursday (6.4m/2).

FOX – It’s not a lot, but at least FOX has offered up a new show to keep an eye on. The premiere of More To Love (4.23m/1.9) wasn’t spectacular, but it does have the potential to increase those numbers moving forward. That was following Hell’s Kitchen (6.78m/1.9). The week really picked up as So You Think You Can Dance worked down to their final four on Wednesday (7.63m/3) and Thursday (7.4m/2.5). The only other new programming came from Mental (2.92m/.8).

CW – I’ve mostly been ignoring The CW all summer, and judging by the numbers, so have most of you. They did offer up a new episode of Easy Money (.41m/.2), which didn’t do any better than the burned off episodes of Valentine.

Cable – I’ve yet to see the viewer numbers for Burn Notice and Royal Pains this week, but you can make a pretty good guess that they were good. The network did send out a press release trumpeting the fact that it finished July as the #1 cable network, with much thanks to both shows. Things are going so well that both of them have now been renewed.

HBO was in on the renewal game as well. After the latest True Blood (4m) continued the strong season, the network announced that the show has been renewed. Sookie and Eric (please, not Bill…) will be keeping the same company, as Hung and Entourage were also renewed. Keeping to that renewal theme, TLC is ordering up another run of Cake Boss. I’ve never watched the show, assuming it was just a complete ripoff of Ace Of Cakes, but apparently it has averaged 2.3 million viewers, which isn’t bad at all.

Not renewed yet, but a sure thing no doubt, Warehouse 13 (3.3m) continues to be a success. Those 3.3m viewers also came with series highs in Adults 18-49 and Adults 25-54. Finally, Real Housewives Of Atlanta (2.66m) set a record for a Real Housewives premiere, so I would assume you can look forward to more Real Housewives of some geographic location soon.

Related posts

• Ratings Clack – Summer TV is halfway over!
• Ratings Clack – True Blood can’t be stopped
• Ratings Clack – An alternative to Nielsen?

(Season 2, Episodes 13-14)

This Virgin Diary is a little shorter than normal, since I’m down to the final four episodes of the season. I’m covering two here, and the final two next week. It’s amazing that when you look back on the first 14 episodes of the season, we really haven’t gotten very far in the whole, “who burned Michael” mystery. It’s definitely been a slow burn, so I’m hoping for a super-exciting season finale. Don’t let me down.

We don’t get a whole lot of Fiona/Michael action in these two episodes either, but it works well. They both have other things going on, so it’s nice that the writers aren’t trying to shoe-horn the relationship into every single episode anymore. It frees up more screen time for Madeline, who is my new hero.

(Season 2, Episode 13 “Bad Breaks”)

Our old friend Agent Bly is back, despite the fact that Michael worked up a blackmail file on him and told him never to return to Miami. It turns out Barry grabbed Bly’s attention when he was investigating the account that the guy who paid to have Michael blown up wired money from. He starts in on Michael, destroying his loft to get rid of some fake toxic mold, but soon his mission and Michael’s mission of the week intersect.

A woman Michael’s mother knows thinks a guy she met through a dating site is stalking her, so Michael offers to talk to him. Turns out, he was just trying to get information about her job as an assistant bank manager so he could rob it. Michael and Bly get caught in the robbery, and Bly immediately gets his dumb ass shot.

This episode was kind of different because the whole gang wasn’t together. Michael was inside the bank, being supported by Fiona and Sam on the outside. It’s always fun seeing them together when they really let their distaste for each other show through. Michael obviously saves the day inside the bank, but I’m not sure how I feel about it.

The robbers had obviously been planning this for a while, paying attention to details (including bringing cell phone jammers). For a group who put so much thought into controlling the process, they sure let Michael wander around unattended a lot. I understand that they probably didn’t think that he could do anything, but still. It would make a lot more sense just to have one guy accompany him at all times. Who lets hostages roam around free? That’s just crazy.

In the end, since Michael saved Bly’s life at least twice, he calls off the dogs. However, it turns out that when Barry was looking into that account, either he or Bly tripped some sort of notification mechanism, so whoever owns that account knows Michael is coming.

(Season 2, Episode 14 “Truth and Reconciliation”)

I loved this episode. Sure, the pace we made in the “who burned Michael” mystery was glacial at best, and the job of the week was just okay, but then there was Madeline. Oh, Michael’s mom: you just get more awesome every single episode you’re in. In this episode, her car gets broken into by some annoying teenagers, so she totally gets all super-spy on their ass.

She asks Michael to help her out, and when he’s too busy, she takes matters into her own hands. She does surveillance and studies their patterns. By the end of the episode, not only has she caught the thugs, but she fixed her car by herself. Michael is duly impressed, and I can only hope that this means that Madeline will be playing an even bigger role in Michael’s missions in coming episodes.

Back to who burned Michael: He sets up a meeting with the guy who tried to kill him, basically using himself as bait. Fiona obviously thinks this is a bad idea, but Michael has come to the conclusion that this is the only way he can find anything out. While the pair successfully prevents the guy from killing Michael, they are unsuccessful at getting him to talk, since he gets away. The guy has a familiar face though– his name is Victor, and this isn’t the first time Michael has had a run-in with him. It also doesn’t look as though it will be the last.

Related posts

• Diary of a Burn Notice Virgin – Carla returns and explosions follow
• Diary of a Burn Notice Virgin – Season 2 comes to an end
• Diary of a Burn Notice Virgin – Where’s Carla?

We’re down to the final summer episode of Burn Notice. Not to toot my own horn, but I kinda predicted the outcome of last night’s adventure, at least in part. For the skeptics, allow me to demonstrate proof. Here’s what I wrote three weeks ago in my review:

What will it take to change Mike’s mind? Fiona appears at a loss. If she were crying on my shoulder (sweet!), I would advise her to leave Miami. Tell Mike she won’t stick around to watch him die. She loves him too much. It’s a standard play, I admit, but if he gives a shit, he won’t let her go. Mike is an action, not words kind of dude. Let him call her bluff. Personally, I think Mike needs her too much to watch her walk away.

Winner. Fiona told Mike she was done with his silly spy games and announced her intention to leave sunny Miami. Damn, I’m good.

Now, who knows how all this will conclude next week. I stupidly watched the previews and discovered that the lovely Fiona gets kidnapped. Mikey will have to button his cape and swoop down to rescue his damsel in distress, or so it would seem. Will that make him see the light? Perhaps it won’t matter. Fiona may be dead set on relocating. We’ll all have to tune in next Thursday for the answers.

As for the chapter before the last chapter, we were treated to one of my favorite actresses doing what she does best. I’m referring to the wickedly witchy Callie Thorne, who played Natalie the stone cold killer. If any of you fine folks watch Rescue Me, then you know Ms. Thorne’s Sheila persona is a bitch on wheels. Thus, when her Natalie character turned on the water works, I immediately cried foul. The jig was up!

It couldn’t have been the Russian dude. The Russians were the bad guys two weeks ago. Writers as sharp as the Burn Notice lot would never make such an egregious error. By the way, it this the Cold War all over again? Are there really a host of Russkies running about in South Florida? I thought it was just Latins and Canadian snowbirds. Evidently, these ex-KGB ops love the climate. Can hardly blame them. I would gather enduring multiple Siberian winters would cause even the hardest of spies to consider a sunnier environment in which to work.

Let’s talk about Barry’s ledger, which was the honorary MacGuffin. Why not just make a copy or copies? You mean to tell me that once the thing was lifted, none of these career criminals thought to head to Kinko’s? Seems a little lazy, don’t you think? This way you cover your ass should something go awry. You could also sell it to multiple parties in order to maximize your profits. Barry’s got a bunch of names in those pages. Five separate copies means five times the cash. Am I right? Did I miss something? If so, please let me know. (If not, it’s one demerit for the creative team.)

Mike got what he wanted, but at what cost? Dance with the devil… One installment to go. How will it end? Will Fiona survive and go through with her plan to leave Michael’s side? Does Mike possess the courage to tell her how he really feels? Will Sam finally get some alone time with his lady friend? Can Barry’s roofer fix Maddie’s leaky roof? See you in August, fellow Burn buddies.

Related posts

• Burn Notice – The unseen enemy
• Burn Notice – Daddy issues
• Burn Notice – The Ukraine is still weak

It’s that time of the year where it becomes painfully obvious just how lacking the summer television schedule is.  Hopefully, you’re getting some nice weather in the exchange. The good news is that the summer television season is now half over. We can now start counting down the weeks until the fall premieres. As for the numbers, things mostly held to form. Although, there were a few interesting additions on the schedule this week. Hell’s Kitchen, Dating In The Dark, and Ruby And The Rockits all had premieres, while Samantha Who? and Kings had finales.

ABC - The Bachelorette (7.81m/2.6) got the week off to a good start, and that carried over into the premiere of Dating In The Dark (6.34m/2.5). Look for that number to drop in week two, but it is a solid debut. Wipeout (6.18m/2.4) was also solid. That’s good enough that the show has already been renewed for another season. The rest of the week, was a little rough. The Superstars (3.26m/1), Better Off Ted (1.87m/.7), Samantha Who? (3.46m/.9 – 3.31m/.9), Surviving Suburbia (2.42m/.6), and Dirty Sexy Money (1.8m/.4) were all disappointing.

NBC – Again, much like ABC, the hits were few and far between. America’s Got Talent remains a success on Tuesday (13.64m/3.4) and Wednesday (11.05m/2.5). The rest of the schedule falls somewhere between, eh, and awful. Those other new entries included Merlin (4.27m/1.1), Meteor (5.21m/1.2), Great American Road Trip (3.46m/1), The Philanthropist (4.74m/1.1), The Listener (3.38m/1), and Kings (1.8m/.4).

CBS – Continuing  where they left off last week, Big Brother is still the lone new entry for the network. It’s not exciting, but it does well enough that we can probably plan on seeing the show again next summer. The results were: Sunday (5.58m/1.8), Tuesday (5.79m/2), and Thursday (6.42m/2). Not new, but notable, was the debut of Medium (4.03m/1) on CBS. Those numbers are awfully low, even for a CBS repeat, but it was the first showing, on an odd night. I suspect things will be just fine when the show makes its official debut. Despite the lack of originality, the network was again the most watched on four of seven nights.

FOX – So You Think You Can Dance has been doing most of the heavy lifting this summer, and posted good numbers again on Wednesday (7.32m/2.9) and Thursday (8.42m/2.9). The dancing kids now have a little help. Hell’s Kitchen (6.47m/3) is back. That number is off a bit from the last go round, but still a solid summer success. Elsewhere, the FOX Friday continues to be the FOX Friday with 5th Grader (4.67m/1.2) and Mental (3.69m/.9). It all added up to another week with the network winning the demo on five nights.

CABLE – Well, cable and network to start. President Obama continued his assault on prime time programming with another press conference. After all the various showings were combined it managed 24.7 million viewers. Elsewhere, the good run continues for True Blood (3.85m). That’s just off the series high, and good enough that you can now get your very own bottles of Tru Blood. The news wasn’t quite as good for Hung (2.77m) and Entourage (2.69m), which both suffered drops.

USA was also celebrating as Burn Notice (6.8m) just keeps getting stronger. That’s another series high in viewers. While not setting records, 10 Things I Hate About You (1.6m) is still solid for ABC Family. That led to a very good premiere for Ruby And The Rockits (1.6m).

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(Season 2, Episodes 10-12)

This is definitely the weirdest batch of Burn Notice episodes I’ve watched so far. I have been complaining quite vociferously about the Michael/Fiona storyline since the first season. I’ve never bought it for a moment; Gabrielle Anwar and Jeffrey Donovan, for all of their talents, have never managed to look the least bit interested in each other. However, that all changes. It’s been coming on subtly for a little while, but in episode 10, Michael just goes for it, and it was actually quite compelling. It’s a crazy world, people.

(Season 2, Episode 10 “Do No Harm”)

This episode is one of the best ones I’ve seen so far; it worked for me on every level: the mission of the week, the whole Carla (Tricia Helfer) saga, and even Michael and Fiona’s relationship. Hell has, indeed, frozen over.

The episode starts with Michael still dealing with the aftermath of the bomb that was planted in his apartment in the last episode. He obviously got out in time, but not before sustaining some injuries. What I like about this is that they really dealt with the aftermath. They didn’t do the typical action movie/TV show thing where they just jump out of the way as everything blows up in slow motion. Not only does Michael hurt his arm and probably sustains a concussion, but he’s shaken up as well. He’s freaked out by his brush with death, and it manifests itself in different and interesting ways throughout the episode.

The mission of the week involves a father who got scammed when trying to get treatment for his chronically ill son. Fiona gets put on babysitting duty, and the whole situation in dealing with a child seems to affect both her and Michael. Campbell, Fiona’s put-upon paramedic boyfriend, finally breaks up with her, after realizing that Michael is always going to be the most important man in her life. Between this, the kid, and Michael’s brush with death, both of them seem to be reevaluating things and moving closer together. This is the first time the Michael/Fiona relationship storyline has been remotely believable to me, so I’m all for this.

In Carla news, it turns out she wasn’t the one who tried to blow Michael up. She also wasn’t the one who blew up her own sniper, so it looks as though Carla has an unseen enemy of her own. This simply will not do, so she’s officially hired Michael to find out who killed him.

(Season 2, Episode 11 “Hot Spot”)

You guys, I feel weird and confused inside. The Michael/ Fiona relationship is moving forward, and I’m actually… liking it. Crazy, I know, but there it is. When Michael didn’t know whether or not Fiona was trapped inside of that burning house, the anguish was very apparent, as was the utter relief when he saw that she was sitting in his apartment waiting for him. It’s a little weird that she snuck out the next morning though, so maybe she’s having second thoughts.

The mission of the week involved a car-stealing ring, and I learned important information about how to steal cars and make them bullet-resistant. Hopefully both will come in handy. I like the new MO of having the people that they’re helping stay at Michael’s mom’s house. It gets her more involved in the storyline, and we get to see her interact with new characters. It’s a win/win.

Not too much happened in the whole Carla storyline, a fact that Carla herself archly pointed out to Michael. She’s not too happy that he’s spending most of his time and energy helping others instead of helping himself. She intimates that he may not have much more time, which is a good point, considering that the flaming home Fiona found herself briefly trapped inside belonged to the man who planted the bomb at Michael’s apartment.

(Season 2, Episode 12 “Seek and Destroy”)

It makes complete sense that they’re stretching the whole Carla storyline throughout the entire season, yet every time I sit down and watch an episode, I still foolishly expect some sort of big answer or resolution. This episode is no different. I expected some answers, and instead, we just got more questions.

That’s not to say Michael didn’t move forward — he absolutely did. With the help of our old friend Seymour, the arms dealer, Michael tracked down the guy who planted the bomb at his apartment. Turns out that he’s a bomber for hire who does a lot of work for the Russian mob. However, it wasn’t the Russians who hired him to kill Michael. It was somebody whom he had never met. Michael doesn’t get a name, but does get an account number, so that’s something.

The mission of the week was pretty fun. Marla Sokoloff guest-starred as the client, a woman whose artist father was murdered by his art dealer. Michael went in as a security specialist hired to find out who was spying on the dealer. We got to see Michael play a double agent, which was pretty amusing. In the end, Michael convinced the art dealer’s partner to kill the dealer, which is weird to me. Michael and his crew won’t get their hands dirty by doing the job themselves, but I don’t see much distinction in a situation like this. Maybe it’s just a practical concern: they don’t need a bunch of murders piling up and getting the police interested in them.

Related posts

• Diary of a Burn Notice Virgin – All I know is that Madeline is awesome
• Diary of a Burn Notice Virgin – Carla returns and explosions follow
• Diary of a Burn Notice Virgin – Burn Notice is no Life

We’re almost at the end of season three of Burn Notice and the specter of Michael Westen’s long-lost presumed dead father still looms large. Maybe I’m alone on this one, but I can’t help but think daddy dearest will eventually come into play down the road. Let me be clear. I’m not certain the guy is dead. I’ve already pontificated about this possibility in past reviews, so I won’t rehash all my wild speculation. Except to say, the writers have a reason for constantly dropping the elder Westen into the drama besides intriguing back-story.

Last night’s episode did nothing but reinforce my assumptions. The always touchy subject of an abusive father, or in this case stepfather, was the central storyline. Mike normally doesn’t let his emotions drift into his side jobs. This time around he was sternly determined to bring down Erik the douchebag child abuser. Having lived through a less than happy childhood himself, Mike identified with young Joey’s plight. Not to mention the references to being afraid of the dark, loneliness and the unknown.

Dare I say, super-spy Mikey behaved in a fatherly manner. He was exceedingly protective of Joey and his mom, and provided sound advice while disarming the precocious tyke. Mike even showed the kid how to manufacture a cell phone bug. Isn’t that cute. What’s next? Baseball games and a Pinewood Derby? By the end of the episode, the lil’ lad was shadowing Mike like a puppy dog. I guess you could have a worse mentor, although I’m not sure mommy would approve of hanging with people who kill for a living.

I bet Fiona took note of Michael’s natural fatherly instincts. Women want a man who will make a good daddy. Since Mike wants to be nothing like his absentee old man, he’d probably do alright in the nurturing department. One more check mark in the plus column in Fi’s book. Now if she could only convince the object of her affections to quit the life for good. Good luck with that, Ms. Glenanne.

Other observations:

• Fi in a tennis skirt is a magical sight. Yes, I wrote “magical.”
• Nobody fakes death like Sam Axe. The flailing arms, the agonizing expression. Bruce Campbell rules.
• Mike’s air cross and wink was sweet perfection.
• Anyone else notice Sam’s alias this season has been some variation of Charles Finley? Now I’m beginning to wonder if he’s been using Finley all along. I might have to revisit season one to find out.
• This Strickler guy is beyond bad news. Anyone who doles out yogurt and moisturizing lotion as gifts should not be trusted.
• Of all the complicated schemes orchestrated by Mike and the gang, turning Erik into a raging lunatic was one of the most entertaining to watch unfold. Kudos to all parties involved.

I’m spent. Time to crack open a cold one. Hey, if it’s good enough for Sam, it’s good enough for this blogger.

Related posts

• Burn Notice – The unseen enemy
• Burn Notice – Trouble in paradise
• Burn Notice – The Ukraine is still weak

Dear folks in charge of Burn Notice –

I’m a huge fan of your show. I can’t begin to tell you how stoked I am that the new season has begun, and the show is just as good as it’s always been. Jeffery Donovan is in top form, Bruce Campbell is as witty and sharp as ever, and Gabrielle Anwar had lunch in one of the last two episodes that I think included a cheeseburger. Things are great! There’s just one teeny, tiny little thing that’s bugging the hell out of me this season so far: your overuse of the clever subtitles.

In the first season, the typical subtitle would simply indicate when Michael landed a new client. At first, it wasn’t clever at all — there’s the client, here’s a subtitle telling you he/she is the client. Then you got cute with the subtitles and would indicate someone as being a client the moment they changed status from something else to “The Client.” Maybe the person would be introduced as “Mike’s Old Friend” and then, when a big problem was revealed, the scene would freeze on the person and we’d get a subtitle “The Client.”

Later, the subtitles went a step further. We started to get subtitles akin to “The Guy They’re Looking For” and others that gave us a chuckle. When not overused, they were something I’d actually look forward to seeing. What would they do next time? Lately, though, these clever subtitles have become so commonplace on the show that they’re getting tiring and unsurprising. And, I’ve gotta say, they’re getting eye-rollingly annoying.

Guys, please take it easy with the character subtitles. I know you’re all better than this. Pick one to use per episode at most, and run with that. Don’t throw us two or even three for every episode — it’s just not as funny or unexpected anymore. It’s starting to come across as a lame parlor trick rather than that little bit of spice that gave the show a bit of humor, reminding us that there was still some not-so-serious fun to be had with this show.

Other than that, keep up the stellar writing. I’m always looking forward to more!

Keith
The Fan

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• Diary of a Burn Notice Virgin – Season 2 comes to an end
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• Diary of a Burn Notice Virgin – Where’s Carla?

Okay, I did edit the original “Talkin’ Baseball’ lyrics just a bit for the title, for context. While the All-Star game was the big deal in ratings this week, there was some great news over on cable for Michael and the gang. And really, most of the exciting stuff, where ratings are concerned anyway, was on cable this week. Warehouse 13 had a strong second outing, TNT had premieres for Leverage and Dark Blue, and HBO dusted off Entourage for another go. There was even a Potter sighting. With the networks, it was baseball, and a lot more of the same.

FOX - As is the usual case with the FOX summer, there isn’t a lot to report. But what there is, is pretty good news. On the strength of the All-Star Game (14.6m/4), the network took 5 of 7 nights in the demo. The kids from So You Think You Can Dance chipped in, doing their part on Wednesday (6.85m/2.6) and Thursday (7.05m/2.5). The small drop Thursday is a bit curious, considering there was no competition, but the show remains a solid summer hit. Wrapping up, 5th Grader (4.88m/1) and Mental (3.7m/.9) continue to plug along on the FOX Friday.

CBS - The other big winner for the week, CBS was the most watched network on 4 of 7 nights. That, despite the fact that the only new programming to speak of was Big Brother on Sunday (6.76m/2), Tuesday (6.26m/2.2), and Thursday (5.57m/1.9). I’m still not sure I understand the thinking behind the CBS Summer schedule, but it’s hard to argue with the results.

ABC - Taking the completely opposite approach, ABC continues to throw all manner of programming at the wall. Unfortunately, very little of it is sticking. One of the bright spots continues to be The Bachelorette (7.91m/2.7). The show is now firmly in control of Mondays, in both demo and viewers. That led to reasonable numbers for the Here Come The Newlyweds (4.99m/2) finale. Wipeout (7.66m/2.6) was down just a bit, but remains strong, and I Survived A Japanese Game Show (4.41m/1.7) did show small gains. Elsewhere, it’s just not pretty. The Superstars (3.77m/1.2) were stuck in the cargo net going up against the All-Star Game, but actually look successful compared to Better Off Ted (2.57m/1). And things wrap up with the FRI/SAT disaster of Surviving Suburbia (2.62m/.7), The Goode Family (1.63m/.5), and Dirty Sexy Money (2.15m/.6).

NBC - Things didn’t get off to a very good start with the premiere of the latest disaster mini-series, Meteor (5.04m/1.1). Of course, that’s still much better than the show’s Sunday night partner, Merlin (3.65m/.9). And a new night didn’t do anything for Great American Road Trip (3.3m/.9) on Monday. Fortunately, NBC does have America’s Got Talent. The show was actually up on Tuesday (13.17m/3.6), despite facing baseball. Then, on Wednesday (11.38m/2.9), it was the most watched show and had the highest demo for the  night. It’s just too bad that NBC has nothing to pair it with. Despite that boost, The Philanthropist (4.35m/1.1) was still in last place at 10. In a curious turn of the numbers, The Listener (3.86m/1.2) numbers were up, after NBC officially canceled it. Finally, the week ground to a halt with Chopping Block (2.28m/.7) on Friday, and Kings (1.57m/.4) on Saturday. Yep, Kings… it’s no Goode Family… Seriously, WTF?

CABLE - There were lots of fun numbers on cable this week. We’ll start with an oldie, since we missed it last week. The return of Eureka (2.6m) was solid. The show actually grew in the demos from the semi-finale last September, so it looks like this whole Friday thing could work out. The network had more good news from the second week of Warehouse 13 (3.4m). It managed to keep a whopping 97% of the premiere audience.

Things are also looking good over at HBO. True Blood (3.9m) hit another high, and that paved the way for a great Entourage (3.4m) premiere. That is more than double the audience for the premiere of the previous season. Hung (3.6m) was up, as well.

The hits keep on coming, as TNT and USA battle for scripted cable supremacy. USA had a stellar Thursday with Burn Notice (6.7m) and Royal Pains (6.2m). That’s a series high for Burn Notice. Staying in the race, TNT looks to have a solid third night of programming, with Leverage (3.9m) and Dark Blue (3.5m). That Leverage premiere number is 24% above the season one average.  Hawthorne (3.2m) remains steady as well.

Cable also got in on the All-Star Game fun. The Home Run Derby (8.25m) on ESPN was the most watched program of the night, broadcast or cable. The celebrity softball game that followed was also on the board, with 3.61m viewers. Elsewhere on cable, Deadliest Catch (3.6m) remains a hit for Discovery, while Miami Social (.65m) doesn’t seem to be one for Bravo. And finally, it was a good week to be in the Harry Potter business.  Despite the fact that all of the movies have aired countless times on various networks, a Sunday telecast of Goblet Of Fire on ABC Family was still good for over 4 million viewers.

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(Season 2, Episodes 7-9)

After a suspiciously long absence, Tricia Helfer is back as Carla, the woman who is pulling Michael’s strings. The general consensus seems to be that she’s either behind Michael’s burn notice, or has something to do with it, but we still don’t learn much at all about her motives. What we do get, however, is the return of Vince, a former Home Improvement star, and explosions. All and all, it’s a good batch of episodes.

(Season 2, Episode 7 “Rough Seas”)

Michael is still trying to find out more information about that gun he x-ray’d, so he enlists Fiona to help him figure out where they may have been taking it. She hooks him up with Seymour, a coked-up arms dealer who jerks Michael around for the entire episode before actually giving him the info. Turns out, there’s one place in Miami that works on that type of gun, and it was burned to the ground, and the proprietor was murdered. So… yeah. Before they set the fire, though, a man named Bill Johnson got a fiber optic camera and some other mods for the gun, so who knows what they’re planning.

The mission of the week was pretty cute: Virgil came back to help his ex-partner’s daughter retrieve some stolen vaccines, which allowed for more Madeline/Virgil cuteness. Michael tried to keep him away from his mother for most of the episode, due to Virgil’s propensity to be followed around by bullets, but by the end, he relented and Virgil and Madeline went out to dinner.

Michael also got to pretend to be a lab geek, which was pretty amusing to me. The asthma inhaler was a bit of overkill, but the whining about seasickness was pretty funny. I also learned an important lesson: if you want to blow up a vehicle, put some Acetone Peroxide underneath the gas tank before you shoot it. Car go boom.

(Season 2, Episode 8 “Double Booked”)

I really enjoyed everything about this episode. The fact that the mission of the week involved an ex-spy was kind of cool for me, since it kind of made everything flow together. Larry, the ex-spy in question, is now a hired killer who outsources his latest job to Michael. He also mentions something very interesting: Michael’s dossier is floating around, and it talks about how he went off the reservation and started doing unauthorized kills and whatnot. It seems like whoever burned Michael is serious about smearing his reputation, as well.

Michael, of course, doesn’t randomly kill civilians, so he makes it his job to protect the woman whom he was hired to kill from her step-son, Drew (played by Zachary Ty Bryan, aka the oldest son from Home Improvement). Unfortunately, Drew is a total idiot, and ends up getting himself killed by Larry. I guess he had it coming, but he was such a dumbass, that it’s kind of hard not to feel sorry for the guy.

Michael gets a little further in finding out exactly what Carla is up to. He and Sam locate Bill Johnson, who has been forced into acting as a sniper on Carla’s behalf (she’s withholding his pension). Michael doesn’t know who the victim is yet, but the badge that Bill uses to get into the building is the same one from a few episodes ago that Michael had made. So it looks like all of Michael’s jobs that he’s done for Carla have been in service to this one big job that’s coming up. Hopefully, we’ll finally find out exactly what that is in the next episode.

The best part about the episode, though, is that Michael and his mother are trying counseling again. The counselor gives him an assignment: to make a list of five things that he is grateful to his mother for. Michael’s list starts out like this:

Grateful to Mom List:

1. Outfitted me with a cover ID.

I can only hope that thirty years from now, my own son can write something that awesome about me.

(Season 2, Episode 9 “Good Soldier”)

The mission of the week is, quite frankly, pretty boring. Although it was fun to see Michael playing first a divorced alcoholic bodyguard, and then a divorced, alcoholic, bible-thumping bodyguard, the actual kidnapping plot was pretty blah. This could be just due to the fact that this episode had a lot of other things going on: mainly the return of Carla and her nefarious ways.

She finds out that Michael has a copy of the card key and used it to find her sniper’s perch. Apparently, the target is going to be someone on a ferry boat, but Michael has no idea who yet. However, just getting that close may be enough to make Carla change her plans, because right before the job is supposed to be done, Bill Johnson is murdered.

So not only  is Bill Johnson not killing whomever he was intended to kill on that boat, but Carla thinks that Michael has outlived his usefulness, as she plants a bomb rigged to his front door. Michael narrowly misses getting blown to bits, and we end on a To Be Continued.

We didn’t get the resolution to Carla’s plan that I was hoping for, but it definitely took an interesting turn. Plus, explosions make everything more fun. I’m still confused as to why exactly Carla needed Michael in the first place; it seems as though other people would have been qualified to do what he has done for her. So I’m looking forward to finding out exactly what is going on in her head, and why she now wants Michael dead. The death thing has to be somewhat of a rash decision, because otherwise, why bother to shake down Nate and threaten Michael’s mother with losing her house? It seems like a lot of unnecessary work if she’s just planning to kill Michael anyway.

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What the hell does that have to do with this installment of Burn Notice? It was the last time I can recall the Ukraine being mentioned in one my favorite television shows. It also gave me an excuse to reference Seinfeld. Honestly, I could, and have, talk about Jerry and George and Elaine and Kramer and The Soup Nazi and Art Vandelay from sunup to sundown, but I choose not to for fear I will be beaten severely by friends, family and random bystanders. At any rate, Michael Westen had a run-in with some mean and nasty Ukrainians.

Mikey also made some new pals. Well, pal in the loosest definition of the word. Tom Strickler is sorta friendly, although the fact that he’s an “Agent for Spies” makes him a tad sleazy as well. Mike really doesn’t seem to like Mr. Strickler. Then again, Mike doesn’t like most people. It looks as if Tommy boy will be chillin’ in South Florida for a while, so maybe he and Mike can come to an understanding. Not bloody likely.

What about Fiona’s contact, Beck? He and Mike got off to a bumpy start while traipsing through the swamps in The Defiant Ones fashion, but they were BFF’s after Mike saved his ass from dying. Clearly, Mike can use all the friends he can get. I have a feeling we haven’t seen the last of Beck, who has some mad contacts of his own. I picked the wrong line of work. Importing/exporting is where it’s at.

Chechik, the mean, nasty Ukrainian, was never Mike’s buddy. I guess ten years in prison for war crimes can make a guy bitter. Hey, three hots and a cot sounds pretty okay to me. Sure, you might have to endure the soles of your feet being pummeled by a hard, wooden paddle once a week, but after a few whacks, the nerve endings go numb, so it’s not all bad.

The important thing is Mike proved Kramer’s theory to be correct. The Ukraine, and its pussy populace, is indeed weak. That crazy nut-job in the subway was way out of line trashing the “Risk” board. He, like Chechik, was just bitter because he knew Kramer was right. These Ukrainians are not just wimps, but also out of touch sore losers. No wonder Communism took a dump. Blame the Ukraine. Ask Mike. He’s a spy. I’m certain he would agree.

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(Season 2, Episodes 4-6)

I understand that they need the “who burned Michael” storyline to last throughout the season, but I still thought we’d be getting a little more than what they’re giving us. Carla hasn’t even shown up in this batch of episodes, although in #6, she has Michael working for her again. They’re definitely leaving me wanting more after this group of episodes, but if they’re not careful, they’re going to leave me wanting anything, and then getting bored and not caring anymore.

(Season 2, Episode 4 “Comrades”)

Two episodes in a row with no Carla. This time, Sam’s on the case. Carla’s cover is an agriculture job, so Sam goes undercover to try to find out more information. He doesn’t achieve much, other than a raging hangover, but at the end of the episode he manages to extract a tiny bit of information: a P.O. box. Michael and Fiona go to stake it out, but I can’t imagine Carla checks her own mail, so even if they find out who does, it’s going to be a while before this little bit of information actually leads anywhere.

The case of the week was okay, but nothing that special. Nate is back though, and Michael is letting him in on things a little bit more, so that’s a plus. This week, he teaches us that torture is for sadists, and you can get a man to talk without resorting to it. Michael then lays out all of his plans, but all we really get to see is a guy getting a bright light shone into his face and being forced to listen to Bulgarian disco. Neither of which is pleasant, but I’m not surprised he didn’t talk. This is one of the rare occasions on this show where the set-up to the mission didn’t live up to the execution.

(Season 2, Episode 5 “Scatter Point”)

Let me see, we took, what? Half a step forward in the whole Carla mystery? Now, in this episode, we take two giant steps back. Michael manages to figure out where Carla’s office is, but just because she hasn’t been making her Michael puppet dance, doesn’t mean that she hasn’t been around. When he gets to her office, instead of finding Carla, he finds a digital picture frame with surveillance photos of himself out on his most recent job. The mylar balloons, champagne, and crossword puzzle only serve to, as Michael puts it, “twist the knife.” So right now, Michael is pretty clueless about all things Carla, and I’m right there with him.

The job of the week was pretty boring for me. There was no Westen family involvement, but there was a Robin Givens guest appearance. As a fan of Head of the Class, I have to say that totally makes up for an otherwise boring job of the week.

In other news, Sam gets dumped by his girlfriend. This doesn’t make sense to me. I know dudes like Sam; dealing with that guy on a day-to-day basis has to be a constant test in patience and understanding. So if he came to me and said, “Hey baby. I know you want to get married, but here’s the thing: I got married once in the ’70s. We realized the next day that it was a terrible mistake, but never got around to getting a divorce. I didn’t think it would matter because I’m not the marrying type — or at least I wasn’t, until I met you,” I would just roll with it. Of course he got randomly married in the ’70s, and of course he never bothered to get a divorce. I’m told there’s a lot of paperwork involved, after all. It’s Sam, for Christ’s sake. Has she never met him before?

(Season 2, Episode 6 “Bad Blood”)

A sniper rifle. Carla’s back (kind of) and she sends a minion to make Michael complete a job for them. He has to intercept a package. Michael, of course, has no idea what the package is, and they want to keep it that way. However, thanks to a hastily-rigged x-ray machine, Michael and Fiona find out that it’s what appears to be a sniper rifle. Now, these are not the type of people for whom firepower is tough to come by, so I have to wonder what the big deal with this particular gun is. It seems as though they’ve always been one step ahead of Michael, so maybe they want him to know it’s a gun? I’m still completely lost; I’m not even gonna lie.

The always-excellent Method Man is the special guest star in this episode. He’s playing Valentine, a Suge Knight-like Hip-Hop mogul. This was a pretty fun storyline, and different from the standard jobs-of-the-week, but I really wish Michael would have been more involved with the Hip-Hop side of things, instead of playing his fifty millionth real estate developer. That was disappointing, but my real problem with that storyline is that this rich, high-profile mogul is going to go kill a high-profile business associate. I don’t see how in this day and age that wouldn’t be on TMZ in like, 20 seconds.

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For the most part, I’m of the the belief that Michael Westen is in the right to pursue his dream of being fully reinstated as a spy. If that’s what he wants to do, who am I to judge? After all, he’s pretty damn good at what he does, and he has a boy scout mentality, meaning he leans toward the side of good. There’s plenty of corrupt covert ops running around the planet, so having Mikey don a white hat isn’t such a bad idea. That’s the way he sees it, anyway. Unfortunately for him, the lovely Ms. Glenanne doesn’t share his perspective. It’s about time somebody took her side. By somebody, I mean me.

Last night’s episode was chock full of hints that Mikey may be foolish in his endeavors, but Mike isn’t one of those guys who takes hints very well. One would think that discovering the VP for a major defense contractor is outing spies, then selling the names to people who eventually kill said spies, might persuade an unemployed spy to look into another line of work. Alas, Mike views things another way. He prefers to see himself as the ideal candidate to chase and catch would-be traitors and hand them over to the proper authorities. Rewarding as that may be, it’s still extremely dangerous.

Fiona – no stranger to putting herself in harm’s way on purpose – has seen the light. Shacking up with Mike in a quaint beach house far away from the evils of the world seems like a sensible way to spend her final days. She is keenly aware that the life of a spy is fleeting. Always looking over your shoulder, never knowing when or where you’ll meet your maker can’t be healthy for the heart. Her desiring calm and companionship is understandable.

How many doors have to be slammed in Mike’s face before he realizes “The Company” wants zippo to do with him? He’s persona non grata in their eyes, but Mike is stubborn, and hell bent on not accepting no for an answer. Diego threw him a bone by telling him the bosses were “reviewing his file.” This reeks of a kiss-off. It’s like when you apply for a job and they tell you “we’ll keep your résumé on file and contact you when we have an opening.” I’ve been fed that line of bullshit countless times. Not once have I gotten a call back.

So, spies are dropping like flies and no one wants to work with Michael Westen. That cozy place on the beach with the gorgeous Fiona looks better and better, right? Not so fast. Mike has no interest in giving up his dreams, even for a girl he obviously cares for.

“You should damn well want what I want for myself.” Mike’s final words to Fi before she makes a tearful exit. What will it take to change Mike’s mind? Fiona appears at a loss. If she were crying on my shoulder (sweet!), I would advise her to leave Miami. Tell Mike she won’t stick around to watch him die. She loves him too much. It’s a standard play, I admit, but if he gives a shit, he won’t let her go. Mike is an action, not words kind of dude. Let him call her bluff. Personally, I think Mike needs her too much to watch her walk away. Any thoughts from my fellow Burn buddies?

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