First let me point out the obvious: we’re a TV site; this, though, is a game I’m talking about. It is a game that you play on a television, and it’s covering one of the most iconic groups in the history of all media: The Beatles. Yes, ALL media. Music, movies, television, and print. I’m not sure why I’m making excuses for why we’re covering this here twice, but I thought I owed you my viewpoint at least. Hell, if you want to see more console-based games covered here once in a while, I wouldn’t complain!

Bob did a review last week, and one thing I really wanted to emphasize is how beautiful this game is. I tried Guitar Hero 5 last week, and its interface and graphics were almost laughable in comparison to how well these graphics are put together to make the experience wonderful. It all starts with the opening cinematic, which the below YouTube embed doesn’t do justice to when you’re viewing in HD and with a nice audio setup. Goosebumps.

Real quickly on the gameplay now. It’s pretty simple, if you’re used the other Rock Band or Guitar Hero games. The “difficult” songs aren’t so tough (I mean, it’s Ringo, right?), so you’re going to breeze through these pretty easily. Where the gameplay shines, though, is in the timelessness of the songs. Everyone knows these songs! You can play with all ages — even my five-year-old son got into the action on the drums (see: Ringo). Let’s not forget the three-part harmonies, where you can now throw a band of six together if you wanted — two guitars, drums, and three on mics.

Seriously, either buy this game if you’re trying to please a lot of people with a Rock Band title, or go watch that opening cinematic at a friend’s house who has the game. It’s really that cool.

Oh, and no more posts about this game. Promise. But that’s not stopping Conan from giving you more!

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Because I was feeling inspired (some call it bored) last night, I went ahead and did the best I could at Mad Men-izing the cast of Leverage, above (click to embiggen it). How’d I do? Let’s see what the rest of you can do. Upload what you can make to TwitPic or some other free photo sharing site and share the link in the comments. Then again, maybe you’re not all as “inspired” as I was.

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I gave up on Grey’s Anatomy sometime early last season, and if it wasn’t for Deb wanting to keep up with it, I would have given up a long time ago. Thankfully she’s learned of the sheer suckitude that Grey’s has become and we can occupy that time watching something that doesn’t cause me to grow breasts.

As you can see from the embedded video above, it appears that the new Grey’s Anatomy Wii game is just as good as the show; as in, it’s a trainwreck full of emotional baggage with a sprinking of surgery thrown in to remind you you’re supposed to be watching qualified doctors at work. The thing is, this appears to be dead-on what I’d expect out of a game based on the show. I wonder if the goal is to see if you can possibly get fired — now that would be a challenge!

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Except for one problem: it dragged down the show. Okay, Cam helped save last week’s episode somewhat with the mystery behind her former finance’s death (and eventual adoption of his daughter), but there was still plenty of Angela to slow things down. So, it was a relief to see a lot less of her and her constant need to have sex (who knew she was this much of a nympho).

We also had a return by Dr. Nigel-Murray, a gooey-ooey body to put back together, and … Oh, look! Booth and Bones actually did some detectivfying together. What a unique concept.

I can’t be the only one who felt the substantial lack of Bones and Booth bonding over the last few episodes. It’s true that they were both on screen, but their interactions were very limited. Particularly last week when Seeley paired up with Cam. Thing is, us viewers come back to the show each week to see the back and forth that these two characters have. That, and the eventual time that they rip each other’s clothes off for some hot lovin’.

We got that camaraderie back this week as Booth and Bones were paired up for much of the hour. And, since sex and smarts were at the center of this week’s case, the subject of Seeley being a stupid prude came up again. Frankly, I didn’t see Booth in the “stupid” light at all this time. In fact, I was surprised at some of the things Seeley was able to spout off to Bones and the staff at the Collar Institute. For the most part he held his own. Except, you know, when Bones actually told him he was stupid. In a loving, caring way, of course.

Dr. Vincent Nigel-Murray was back again for, I believe, the fourth time. Now that his annoying non-sequiturs have decreased somewhat he’s becoming my favorite replacement for Zach. Well, Michael Badalucco is my number one favorite; however, I don’t see him being signed on. Nigel-Murray has the right amount of seriousness and quirkiness to fit right in to the Squint Squad.

Plus, he gets along really well with Hodgins. At least in the sense that he jumps right on when Jack wants to do one of his crazy experiments. Since Zack left, Hodgins has been lacking a co-conspirator. But with Nigel-Murray he has someone who is willing to shoot a mannequin with a cannon (indoors, no less) and drop a liquid nitrogen-cooled turkey from a 2nd floor landing. That scene was the funniest of the episode as that poor turkey bounced around the Jeffersonian lab like a naked superball.

So, adding up the bouncing turkey, the body that resembled some type of thick stew, Sweets being taken down by a welder with an IQ of 162, the return of Angela’s father (who ended up exacting his revenge on Hodgins, it seems), and nerd sex, this week’s episode of Bones was a decent romp from beginning to end. Now, we can look forward to four episodes in the next two weeks as the season wraps up.

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Hey, um, is there a problem or something? I’m just curious because, well, you may have actually done something to help the American public out. Are you feeling well? Does something hurt? Have you all been replaced by aliens and are now sitting in a spaceship, high above Earth, waiting for your daily anal probe?

Don’t take any offense to this, please. I’m just a bit shocked that you moved quickly and got something done without too much partisan backstabbing, back-biting, or other things you do on another person’s back. Is it the new thinking of the forward-looking Obama administration that influenced you? Nah. It’s probably because the issue dealt with something that affects every single living, breathing, two-legged, warm-blooded human in America.

Of course I’m talking about television! What, you thought I was dealing in deeper subjects like global warming or the economy? Who are you talking to?

Seriously, I’m glad that you all got together and decided to delay the digital TV conversion until June 12th (my daughter’s birthday). Then again, you didn’t have much choice, did you, since you kinda, sorta ran out of coupons — 2.5 million to be exact. Coincidentally, the same amount of people who are on the DTV waiting list. That’s not including the millions of others whose coupons expired.

There really wasn’t much choice in he matter. With about 20 million people still using rabbit ears to get their favorite shows it was inevitable that a push back in conversion would take place. Especially since so many people are using television as both comfort food and information source during these tough times. There was definitely a potential of some very irate voters if the cutover actually took place in February.

True, many of the broadcast networks are now griping that this will cost them additional dollars to keep running an analog signal, but those complaints really don’t have merit. Think of it this way: if the conversion took place on the original date, these networks would have lost millions of viewers for what looks like a long period of time. That, in turn, would have probably reduced ratings and, in turn, reduced ad revenue. It would have been a disaster after that. No, you did the right thing here.

So, I want to thank you for getting together and, for the good of the nation, approving this DTV pushback. Now that this extremely important task is done you can focus on some of the smaller items on your list. Such as the economy, global warming, terrorist attacks, Iraq, Afghanistan, lack of federal regulation in the Bernie Madoff scandal…you know, stuff that won’t take up too much of your time.

All my lovin’ I will give to you,

Rich

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Computers are my life. Well, a big part of it anyway. And since you’re reading this, chances are they’re a big part of your life too. We use them for work, school, play and everything in between. Then again, you could be someone’s technically unaware grandma who found this printed out on some crumpled up paper used as packing material for your newest Hummell.

Not only are computers part of our lives, but they consume the lives of those we watch in movies and TV. Some of them are as large as cities, some of them talk and have personalities, and some of them even have pet names. Here’s a list of some of the more notable computers on TV (and before you whine, this is not counting robots):

ARDVARC (Get Smart)
The Automated Reciprocal Data Verifier And Reaction Computer is the central computer owned by Max’s employer, CONTROL. Its best friend is a cigarette machine — how quaint for a show of the ’60s. And let’s not forget the lack of political correctness of the time: on episode number 50 (”The Girls from KAOS”), ARDVARC scans its databases for a particular Asian KAOS enemy agent, but eventually concludes it can’t find the agent because “they all look alike.”

Sadly, on episode number 109 (”Leadside”), ARDVARC blows up. Rumor has it the cigarette machine, overcome with grief, traveled to Japan and now dispenses iPods and eyebrow trimmers in downtown Tokyo.


The General (The Prisoner)
“If you wish to be free, there is only one way: destroy The General.” The Prisoner was all about trying to get out of that odd place known as The Village, so whatever it took to get the hell out of there, Number Six was listening.

Number Two at one point brags that The General can answer any question. Number Six decides to screw with it and types four characters on a piece of paper and feeds it into The General, which causes it to go bonkers and self-destruct. What destroyed the computer? A simple question. In Number Six’s words: “It’s insoluble, for man or machine: W-H-Y QUESTION MARK. Why?” Alas, it didn’t set him free.


The Matrix (Doctor Who)
No, not the Matrix from the movies (but what were they thinking using that same name anyway?). From Wikipedia: “The Matrix, in the long-running British science fiction television series Doctor Who, is a massive computer system on the planet Gallifrey that acts as the repository of the combined knowledge of the Time Lords.” Holy crap, that’s pretty damned massive.

“The Matrix is part of the Amplified Panatropic Computer Network, or APC Net, which contains the biological imprints (or bio-data extracts) of all Time Lords as well as the memories of dead Time Lords, storing them in an extradimensional framework of trillions of electrochemical cells. It also receives input from sensors contained in the TARDIS time machines piloted by Time Lords. As a result, the Matrix is not only a record of the past but can actually predict the future as well. The amount of knowledge in the Matrix, though vast, is not complete, and can be tampered with if given the right amount of access.”

If a person dies while linked to the Matrix, he dies in the real world as well. Now where did I hear that before?

Dr. Theopolis (Buck Rogers in the 25th Century)
Poor Theo. He’s considered one of the leading Earth scientists of the 25th century yet, since he’s built into what’s essentially a semi-transparent canteen, he has to resort to being worn as a giant medallion around the neck of some stupid little robot named Twiki to get around. Seeing as Twiki’s idea of intelligent conversation is always prefaced with (or only consisting of) “bidi-bidi-bidi,” it makes sense he never came back after season one. Hopefully he used that superior intelligence to actually build himself some kind of locomotion he could be proud of.

Computer (Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Likely the most well-known computer on this list, “Computer” — as it’s so lovingly called on the show — was voiced by Star Trek creator Gene Roddenberry’s wife, Majel Barrett Roddenberry, who passed away just last December. The computer screens (displaying the LCARS operating system, for you Trekkies) are unmistakable. Many have tried to duplicate the interface within today’s technology, but to me it all looks like crap against the “real” thing. From controlling the Holodeck to brewing the perfectly hot Earl Grey, there wasn’t much Computer couldn’t do.


Vector Sigma (Transformers)
It’s been so long since I’ve seen the original Transformers that I’d almost forgotten about the godlike computer that gave them all life. This ancient multiversal super computer could exist across many universes, as they networked together as the “Vector Sigma Gestalt.” Sounds like an early implementation of an impossibly powerful WRFWAN (Wireless Really Frakking Wide Area Network).

K.I.T.T. (Knight Rider)
This is K.I.T.T. from the original Knight Rider, not the inferior current series. What’s that? You never heard of the new series? Oh, I envy you.

The Knight Industries Two Thousand might have been constrained to the dashboard of an ‘82 Trans Am, but it could easily outperform and outclass any other talking computer of its time. Seeing as this was the ’80s, I guess that’s not saying much. Back then, kids really wanted a K.I.T.T for their very own. Today’s K.I.T.T.? Yaawwwn. I’m sorry, what were we talking about again?

Holly (Red Dwarf)
Holly, the ship Red Dwarf’s main computer, had the same IQ as “6,000 PE teachers or 12,000 car park attendants.” Obviously the senile, holographic computer had a bit of a sense of humor. What else would explain it going through a virtual sex change … twice?

In series one and two, the human persona of Holly was a balding man. Starting in series three, Holly’s human persona was a woman. During the last season, the original person who played Holly returned to the series, this time completely bald. Talk about an identity crisis.

Ziggy (Quantum Leap)
Ziggy, the Quantum Leap parallel hybrid project computer, was responsible for tracking Sam in his travels through time, while at the same time projecting holographic images of his colleague, Al, to help him find his way home. In one episode, Sam briefly returned home and confronted Ziggy, saying he regretted programming it with the “ego of Barbara Streisand.” Ziggy had a memory storage capacity of one billion gigabytes (or 1 exabyte for you fellow geeks) and was programmed not to feel guilt. Wait, computers need to be programmed not to feel guilt? My laptop’s got some explaining to do.


Omnitrix (Ben 10)
The Omnitrix beats out Dr. Theopolis as the smallest “computer” on this list. This wrist-worn device consists of so much alien technology that the term “computer” is the closest earthly way to describe it, other than “gadget” or “freakin’ weird, green-glowing, alien watch doo-hickey thingamabob.” This device, worn by the title character Ben, could transform him into any number of strange alien creatures that were stored within the device, by combining with his DNA when he turned its dial to a selected alien and slapped the top of it.

The oddest thing about this device: how many way-too-old kids want to wear a toy version of this thing and post videos about it on YouTube.

The Turk (Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles)
(From resident Sarah Connor Chronicles expert Bob Degon, here’s this:) “This isn’t just your friendly chess-playing computer; the Turk is the machine destined to send a bunch of nukes flying across the planet, destroying the human race as we know it. You know, Skynet? The computer was originally built by Andy Goode as a supercomputer to challenge human chess players. The only problem was that Mr. Goode made it a little too smart, and it ended up falling into the hands of Catherine Weaver. Now going by the name of John Henry, the computer is only getting smarter by the day.”

Will the Connors be able to stop it before the rise of the machines? Maybe. Then again, maybe Mr. John Henry will be replaced by the fearsome Paul Bunyan or The notorious Pecos Bill.


RALF (Whiz Kids)
Richie, Ham, Jeremy and Alice were a group of high school hacker-sleuths who used Richie’s talking computer, RALF, to track down information to solve crimes. They’d easily hack into government computers and pretty much anything else computerized, all with the same absurd ease as Matthew Broderick in the movie WarGames. Remember, this was all likely via 300 baud modems and no Internet, when most of us early adopters had Commodore 64s and Tandys. I have no idea if RALF stood for anything, but it could be used to describe the show by today’s standards: Really Absurd Laughable Farce.

C.O.R.A. (Battlestar Galactica)
C.O.R.A., or “Computer, Oral Response Activated,” was installed in the recon Vipers — most notably in the briefly shown Starchaser, piloted by Starbuck — in the original Battestar Galactica series. You can catch C.O.R.A. in action in the seventh episode of season one, titled “The Long Patrol.” If you’ve seen anything of this series, you’ll quickly find that the female persona and personality of C.O.R.A. and Starbuck’s bravado are perfectly matched. In fact, Starbuck was probably a bit disappointed when he learned that “Oral Response” meant that the computer talked.

Luckily, the new series has nothing like this. Apparently they’re fitted with the voiceless C.O.R.D. version of the system.

The Dharma Swan Station computer (Lost)
For years Desmond was forced to enter a now very familiar code into this modified Apple ][+ computer every 108 minutes, then a rotating team of Losties after him: 4 8 15 16 23 42. This terminal and the tons of attached mainframe-like pieces are now strewn about the mysterious island after Desmond turned a failsafe key, which somehow spared his life … or did it? One question I still have is: what happened to the other terminal that Walt used to talk to his father?

Some things will likely never be explained, like why someone couldn’t write a simple Applesoft BASIC program to automate this. 20 GOTO 10!

Deep Thought and Earth (The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy)
I’d almost forgotten about adding these to this list, seeing as I only know them as computers from the awesome Douglas Adams book. BBC ran one series of this show in the early ’80s and it even won several awards. I wonder if it will ever appear (or reappear) on BBCA for us Yanks to check out.

In case you have no idea what I’m talking about, first of all: shame on you. This city-sized (at least in the book, though not so much on the series) super computer was built by a race of advanced beings to tell them “the answer” to “life, the universe and everything.” After 7.5 million years, its response: 42.

Since Deep Thought didn’t actually have the ultimate “question” for that answer, it had to build an even larger, more sophisticated computer to find it. This super computer (the greatest ever built) was known as the planet Earth, which was blown out of existence by Vogons to make room for a “hyperspatial express route” in the beginning of the series. Enter Arthur Dent, and you know the rest or should go find out.


Doogie Howser’s PS/2 (Doogie Howser, M.D.)
This might seem like an odd choice for this list, but there’s no doubt that Doogie’s PC could have earned itself a place in the show’s cast list. At the end of every episode — and sometimes at different points throughout — Doogie would enter his daily diary entry into his trusty IBM PS/2 PC. Remember those? Me, I started out with an Apple //e (see Dharma Swan Station computer, similar).

If Doogie published his entries on a BBS, he may have been a blogging pioneer with his microblog-like memoirs. Here’s a short scene of Doogie making one of his entires, and here’s Neil Patrick Harris on How I Met Your Mother, spoofing one of his own scenes (though on a modern-like laptop). Awesome.


The Bat Computer (Batman)
Though not nearly as cool looking as the Bat Computers of the animated series or movies, the original live-action show’s computer was unparalleled in how quickly it could spit out data to the dynamic duo … on a bat-matrix printer, no less. Meaningless lights and sounds aside, no other computer system in the city of Gotham could match what was stowed away within the confines of the rock-walled Bat Cave.


Mr. Smith (The Sarah Jane Adventures)
(Since I know nothing of this show, I’ll leave it to our own Bill White to give the details:) “No list of TV’s computers would be complete without a mention of “Mr. Smith” from this BBC Doctor Who spin-off series. This series is probably unfamiliar to most U.S. television viewers, as the BBC seems quite stingy in sharing all their shows with us. It is available on DVD, though, and I suggest any fan of the good Doctor check it out. Mr. Smith (voiced by Alexander Armstrong) is a “veddy British” voiced computer, who resembles a flat screen TV. He is absolutely of the K.I.T.T. and Dr. Theopolis school of cool TV computer types. What makes Mr. Smith unique is his personality. He has a huge ego (he claims he can hack into any computer system) and likes to report on celebrity gossip. He started out as a bad guy, but was eventually “rebooted” into a nice guy. He still doesn’t care for K9, though.

“Doctor Who fans can see a cameo by Mr. Smith in the “Stolen Earth” finale episode. For the rest of you, buy those DVDs!”


H.E.Y.D.A.R. (The Middleman)
The High Energy Yield Data Accumulation Resource is (and you have to imagine this in Middleman’s voice in your head when you read this) “a global analysis and information gathering device capable of performing on-board evidence analysis as well as universal intelligence searches across all data platforms”. I’ll let you catch your breath now.

The HEYDAR can be connected directly into Middleman’s robotic assistant, Ida, or it can be used by him directly. It has the capability of accessing any database on any computer system in the world and is armed with a variety of weapons and destructive devices, including a shrink ray (and the reverse) and a switch that can initiate a self-destruct sequence for Middleman HQ. Seeing as the show hasn’t gotten a renewal nod yet, maybe that’s just what’s happened.


Fred and Wilma (Head of the Class)
Resident fat kid of Charlie Moore’s IHP class, Dennis Blunden, sat beside Wilma in pretty much every classroom scene on the show. Back then, a computer on a kid’s desk either meant they were devoid of any social life whatsoever, a gifted genius, slacking off playing Rogue or all of the above. These days it’d probably be commonplace for a laptop on every kid’s desk in an IHP class, only this time it’d be to play NetHack. Dennis probably named his computer Wilma so he could tell his mom he was swapping notes with a pretty girl sitting next to him in class.

Actually, Dennis kinda looks like Fred sitting there in the picture, doesn’t he?

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Anyway, during my week of HD bliss, I set aside one night to investigate HDNet — the seven-year old channel dedicated to nothing but hi-def programming. Owned by megalomaniac billionaire — and general douche bag — Mark Cuban, HDNet airs original products such as Dan Rather Reports and Inside MMA, in addition to live sporting events and movies, but a chunk of their slate consists of travel series and award-winning documentaries, which is what interested me most.

I’m a film school guy, so I’ve always been enamored with cameras and tech stuff. With that in mind, I’m going to review two of the shows I watched and discuss their visual merits. It’s evident the impact of HD technology is increasing and its presence is changing the way we view television.

Coral Reef Adventure

A stunning documentary about the disappearance of our oceans’ coral reefs, set in the gorgeous blue waters of the South Pacific. Underwater filmmakers Howard and Michele Hall embark on a ten month journey to explore the largely unseen habitat of coral reefs. Using the latest IMAX camera rig, the husband and wife team capture in brilliant detail the dying reefs off the coasts of Fiji and French Polynesia. The clarity of the footage is beyond incredible; if not for their air bubbles, you’d hardly notice they are underwater. There isn’t a hint of grain or blur in any of the images.

A deep ocean dive to depths of 350 feet reveals a foreign abyss cloaked in mystery, where brand new species of fish are discovered.  An excursion to the waters encircling the island of Tahiti results in a perilous encounter with a school of reef sharks, in what amounts to an aquatic stampede consisting of 300 rambunctious sharks and three daring divers.

The advancement in camera technology in the last ten years is nothing short of amazing. As I watched the adventure, I became mesmerized by the IMAX camera’s ability to document the crystal clear seas. The colors popped in every frame, the depth of field was endless and the enormity of the oceans was relayed as accurately as I’ve ever seen. Coral Reef Adventure is perfect for anyone who enjoys nature’s inherent beauty and marvels at kick-ass underwater cinematography.

World’s Coastlines From Above

Wow! Holy shit! Fucking unbelievable! These are some of the less profound words uttered while I took in this alluring series. We’ve all seen aerial footage from blimps and helicopters before, especially at sporting events, but nothing compares to 80 minutes of exclusive overhead shots of the French and Italian coastlines.

In film school, we called this type of photography “God’s Eye POV,” due to the direct vantage point from the clouds. Unless you’re a pilot or astronaut, most aren’t afforded the luxury to see Earth from above. The series takes to the skies to provide a unique tour of the majestic coastlines of places like Brittany and Portofino.

From opulent resort villas to tightly congested hillside villages, some of Europe’s oldest and most vibrant coastal communities spring to life in HD glory. Since I’ll probably never be lucky enough to visit cities like Nice and Genoa, I treated both episodes as mini-vacations. The vivid images suck you in with awe-inspiring grace. The sight of the medieval Mont Saint Michel rising from its sandy nest was all it took to steal my attention.

Many people still don’t own a HDTV, but with the digital changeover upon us and technologies evolving by the minute, it won’t be long before high-definition is in every home. Then we’ll all get to experience our fascinating and sublime world like never before. Maybe it’s just me — an admitted film geek — but captivating pictures move me in a way that nothing else can. I can’t wait to house-sit for my brother again; even if it means babysitting his two dogs and two cats.

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The terms Ignite, Media Object Server and Airspeed likely mean nothing to the average person. However, if you’ve been employed in the field of Television News Production in the last five years you’re either very familiar with them or will be soon. They are overly fancy monikers given to software based servers that utilize automation to operate. Essentially, they are computers programmed to replace humans. Remember the HAL 9000 in 2001? How about Mother in Alien or Skynet from Terminator? Villainous supercomputers armed with artificial intelligence bent on destroying mankind. Who would construct such tools of devilry? Oh yeah, that would be humans.

From a General Manager or Production Manager’s perspective Automation provides a perfect excuse to trim needless production staff. It’s quite ingenious when you break it down. If I were of the managerial ilk I would much rather shitcan some poor sap on the basis of technological advancement than have to trump up some excuse to cover the fact that I just don’t like the guy. Here’s a scenario where I’m a manager, speaking to my boss about firing some clown that rubs me the wrong way:

Me as Manager: “Listen, about this guy Ted, in Production.”
My Boss: “What about him?”
Me: “He’s a complete ass. Can I fire him?”
Boss: “Is he incompetent?”
Me: “No, he’s good at his job, but he’s a friggin’ mutant. I mean who the hell wears Hawaiian shirts every damn day? Doesn’t that bother you?”
Boss: “Hadn’t really given it much thought. But you do need a valid reason to terminate an employee.”
Me: “Shit, really?”
Boss: “Afraid so.”
Me: “Hmm. What about this Automation we’re bringin’ in next year? Can I use that to my advantage?”
Boss: “Certainly. Why do you think we bought it?”
Me: “Swweeeettt!! Ted is so GONE!!”

What better way to cut dead weight? It’s easily explained and completely justifiable. Who wouldn’t be supportive of Automation? Uh, I guess I wouldn’t, since it took away my job.

I was introduced to the Media Object Server – or HAL — over four years ago. At the time I was employed as a CG Operator at a mid-market television station. Without warning, I found myself helping install the automated software that would eventually render me useless. Kind of a dumb thing to do when you think about it.

There I was, merrily modifying templates so they could interact with a computer. It didn’t really dawn on me until a few days later that I was a willing participant in my own demise. I stared at the new automated server and thought to myself, “How can I covertly sabotage this evil device?” A red light on the server began to blink. A calm, monotone voice infiltrated my mind, “Just what do you think you’re doing, Scott? Look Scott, I can see you’re really upset about this…” Bizarre.

I quickly overcame my malaise and accepted my fate. I was the victim of an automated software-based server. That would make a terrific title for a Lifetime movie. Better call my agent. Wait, I don’t have an agent. Damn!

In the spring of 2008, a Mother-like system appeared in our control room. It was called Airspeed. I think my first bicycle was an Airspeed, made by Schwinn if I’m not mistaken. It had a tiny bell on the handlebars and the pedals were metallic blue. Ah, to be young again. Where was I? Oh yeah, another piece of technology designed to make humans obsolete.  It was called Airspeed and with a cool name like “Airspeed” how could you not be impressed? A lot of people were, but none of those people were videotape operators.

Airspeed is a tape-less server that eliminates the need for humans to load tapes. Big deal! Loading tapes is so ’80s anyway. Kind of like big hair and cocaine. (Off topic, a “friend” of mine whom I don’t know very well and don’t hang out with every Saturday night tells me cocaine is making a serious comeback). Back to Airspeed: It’s fast, convenient, and most importantly cost-effective.

Fortunately, I left the dying industry that is TV production prior to the inevitable arrival of Skynet – rather, Ignite – another kick-ass sounding handle that makes one think of some awful Hollywood action flick. The trailer would go something like this: Will Smith is a cop on the edge about to — IGNITE! Or better yet: Don’t mess with Will Smith or he will — IGNITE! You get the point. Anyway, Ignite is a fully-automated production system that can be controlled by a single person. The brochure says it’s practical and easy-to-use and requires very little maintenance. It does eliminate jobs, but pshaw! Who cares about that? I’ll take two.

All of these new technologies — MOS, Airspeed and Ignite — exist to create more efficient workflow solutions. Hold on, did I really write that? My apologies. I just channeled my former boss. Apparently, I was paying attention and not texting my girlfriend during those monotonous monthly department meetings. But I digress. “Efficient workflow solutions” is a non-threatening way to describe downsizing. So if you happen to overhear your supervisor utter these three ominous words, you may want to polish the ol’ resume and start perusing hotjobs.com. And no, I’m not suggesting you eavesdrop outside your bosses’ office while pretending to fill out your time card. I mean who would do that? Not me or any of my co-workers. That would constitute an invasion of privacy and I’m nothing if not a stickler for company policy. Ahem.

I don’t mean to worry anyone. I’m quite sure in this rock-solid economy your job is completely safe. No really, there’s probably nothing to fear. Unless you happen to be employed by a soulless corporation whose only interests are profit margins and bottom lines and cares little for the average working stiff who has bills to pay and families to feed. See, no reason for concern. It’s not like any of us work for those types of organizations. Right?

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Nullriver

I switched from Microsoft Windows to Mac OS for my primary system a bit over a year ago now, and other than what I have to do for my full-time job, I rarely look back. And because I don’t use Windows anymore, I’ve switched to console-only gaming with my Xbox 360. The thing is, Windows and Xbox work so nicely together, so how was I going to get the same thing using a Mac?

Luckily, I found a kick-ass piece of software that has changed everything: Nullriver’s Connect360.

Connect360 is a small piece of software for Mac OS X that, once installed, presents itself as an item in your System Preferences. It’s extremely easy to setup and has no need for overly-advanced options to confuse people who aren’t that technically adept. You simply tell it where your movie files are located on your Mac and whether or not you want photos and music (through iTunes) to be shared, then start it up.

The program remains running in the background, searching for Xbox units on your network. Once it detects one, you’ll get an audible alert on your computer. Follow the easy instructions for attaching to your Mac on the XBox, and you now have access to all of the videos, music and photos from your Mac.

The best part of all: it’s FAST. I’m serving up HD videos from my Mac laptop, connected wirelessly, via Connect360 and they display seemingly flawless on the TV. What’s more, there’s no noticeable slowdown of my laptop, so I can still use it and not cause the video to hiccup at all.

So, how does this relate to TV, exactly? Well, if you’re one of those naughty folks who take to downloading torrents of your favorite shows from the ‘net, the Xbox supports most if not all of the formats they’re encoded in. Watching TV shows on an actual TV — what a concept!

I didn’t even get into how awesome it is to have your entire iTunes catalog and iPhoto library at your disposal via the XBox, but it’s just as you’d imagine. Plus, you can stream Internet radio shows through to your XBox with this piece of software. How cool is that?

The one downside, and it’s a big one: You can’t view movies/shows you bought in iTunes through Connect360.

Connect360 is available for $20 over at Nullriver’s website, though I believe you can try it out for a limited time with a limited number of shared videos/music/photos.

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YouTube

By now I’m sure you’re sick of hearing about the switch of analog television signals to digital next February. It seems like only yesterday that we heard how we need to prepare for the switch, what we need to do to switch, and why we need to switch. That’s because it was yesterday … and the day before that, and then last year and the year before that.

I actually took advantage of that coupon deal that was going on, taking a chunk of money off an analog-to-digital converter box last year. The thing is, since I have digital cable boxes, I have no bleeding use for it. However, Christmas is coming and I still have the box, so a-wrapping I will go for an early-obtained gift for someone who doesn’t have cable: dear old granny.

“But how is she going to know how to hook it up,” you ask? After 30 seconds of my elite YouTube searching skills, I’ve turned up the perfect how-to guide that explains everything. Feel free to use it yourself and share with friends! It helps it all make so much sense!

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NTIA

Ah, the federal government: So big, so powerful. Yet, in many ways, utterly impotent. And, I can’t fault them for it. They are really trying to help out folks here in America, but their eyes are just too big. It’s like a 6-year-old asking for a 26 scoop sundae and not being able to finish it.

And, before you get all angry and defensive on me, I’m not talking about the financial bailout. No, I’m talking about the Digital TV bailout. Thinking that you have some time to grab one of those coupons to get a free converter box that permits a digital signal on your 19-inch, black-and-white television? If so, then there’s a potential problem. FCC Chairman Kevin Martin has told lawmakers that they may run out of money for the $40 converter box coupons before they run out of requests. Uh, anyone up on Capitol Hill hear of the economic policy of Supply and Demand?

The problem seems to be that the FCC, along with the National Telecommunications and Information Administration, may have underestimated the amount of coupons they needed. Take the recent digital cut-over of Wilmington, NC for example. Estimates on the amount of converter boxes needed were originally recorded at about 14 thousand. Turns out, nearly 20,000 boxes were needed. Taking that model and applying it to the rest of the country the FCC and NTIA are looking at 20 million coupons for converter boxes. Add post office boxes and nursing homes to that mix and things don’t look good.

This is bad news during a particularly bad time around here. People rely on television more than ever these days for news about the plight of this nation. Having their access to that means of communication suddenly turned off in the middle of February seems like a bad deal to me. I mean, where are these people going to turn to for their news? Radio? The Internet? Shocking, I tell you. Shocking!

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CliqueClack

“Hey honey. What’s on television tonight?”

“Oh, you know, there’s the presidential debate from nine o’clock until the sun rises.”

“What? Again?! Oooouuuuh…”

Has this happened to you? The lack of real, quality TV programming getting you down? Well your worries are over, thanks to a space-aged new technology that will revolutionize the way you enjoy television.

Introducing: The Digital Video Recorder!

The Digital Video Recorder (or, as our elite team of technologists call it, the DVR) allows you, the viewer, to record any television content you want, to be viewed at a later date. Gone are the hassles of having to sit through hours and hours of long political babble that you don’t understand anyway.

Not only can the DVR record and playback television shows, but it allows you fast-forward to the good parts. Don’t care about how the candidates are going to tackle the current financial crisis? No problem. Just use the handy included remote control to speed things up, and you’re through that mumbo-jumbo faster than you can say “apathetic.”

“But I can’t afford a D … a D … a Digital Video Recorder.”

Not so fast! Our elite team of scientists has also developed a new technology that is sure to boggle the mind. From the team that didn’t bring you the DVR … introducing online video, absolutely free! Now even someone with the basic skills to operate a computer can casually view and fast-forward through the debates at their convenience.

“Hey, that’s me!”

That’s right. And if you act now, you’ll be able to enjoy such quality programming tonight as:

• Dirty Jobs
• Man Caves
• Privileged
• Dr. 90210
• World Series of Poker
• Jail
• Real Housewives of Atlanta
• 20 Greatest Redneck Moments
• The Surreal Life
• Paris Hilton’s My New BFF
  

Don’t be left missing out on life. Get a DVR and online video today!

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ABC Family

Sure, there are a myriad of reasons I could be singing the praises of ABC Family. After all, they are the channel that brought us The Middleman. I like it so much that this very computer I’m typing on has the hostname Wendy. They’ve also done rather well for themselves with GREEK, which I think has ended up better than anyone imagined it would. And really, where else are you going to go when you need a little Step By Step fix to brighten up an otherwise dreary day?

All of that pales in comparison to their latest little project. They went and hired our old pal Brigitte! Check out the spiffy new site featuring everyone’s favorite video blogger. (According to Brigitte, vlogging sounds nasty, and who are we to argue?) If you were a fan of her previous work, you’ll feel right at home. And if you have yet to take the Brigitte challenge, what the hell? Is your copy of the internet broken? Hop to it, Champ. You’ll be glad you did. Here’s wishing Brigitte, and ABC Family, much success with this latest endeavor. Now, if they would just go ahead with that renewal for The Middleman, I’d tack an exclamation point at the end of that awesome.

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engadget.com

I imagine that there might be some of you out there who don’t know what the Slingbox is.  (And by “some of you, I mean, “An Amish guy who is looking at this webpage on a laptop that fell off the back of a truck”.)  It’s okay, I don’t judge: the Slingbox is a wonderful little device that takes whatever is on your tv and “slings” it to your laptop via the internet.  It’s one of those pieces of technology that feels like it can’t possibly deliver what it promises — yeah, right, I’m sure it’ll only work if I’m plugged directly into a backbone router and no one else is using the internet that day — but that actually works in the real world on a regular basis.

For people that travel, the Slingbox is a must-have.  All I need to do is connect to a hotel’s WiFi and the entire contents of my TiVo are there for me to look at.  As an added bonus, whenever I start using it, my wife is convinced that a ghost suddenly decided to watch PTI, which makes for some hilarious panicked phone calls.

Since the unveiling of the iPhone app store, there has been rumors that the good people over at slingmedia would be releasing software that allows for use of the Slingbox for your iPhone.  In fact, engadget.com had an article back in June that said that there’s a “proof of concept” for the software that is up and running.  Well, it’s been three months … where the hell is my Slingbox for the iPhone?

I think every iPhone/Slingbox owner in America wants this software … so, what’s the hold-up?  Some people have speculated that Apple itself doesn’t want the application; after all, the iPhone is, in part, an extension of the iTunes Media store.  This is a store that wants to sell you television shows at $1.99 a pop.  Maybe we haven’t seen a Slingbox application for the iPhone yet because Apple is worried that it’ll eat into its TV show sales.

Don’t be so naive.  It’s the US government that doesn’t want the application!  They know if you’re able to access your TiVo wherever there’s a WiFi hotspot via the big beautiful screen on your iPhone, the already struggling economy would fall into collapse.  And worse, if Sling Media were to somehow figure a way to let us access our shows via the 3G network and make our TiVoed shows available anywhere in the civilized world, we might as well give up hope of ever being a productive country again.  The government is trying once again to save us from ourselves.

Of course I’m only (kinda) joking.  Whatever the hold-up, someone needs to jump into action soon and get this product out of the “proof-of-concept” phase and into the “on Jay Black’s iPhone” phase.  If Steve Jobs is reading this (and why wouldn’t he be?), I urge you to make it happen, chop chop.

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