Cold Open: Massa Exit Interview — With all the talk of this in the past week, I was near certain the cold open tonight would have to do with Massa and his tickle parties and, eh, “snorkeling” stuff. In hindsight, I guessing most people made that assumption early in the week.

Monologue: Jude Law — I’m not all that into Broadway stage, so this didn’t strike me funny really. Law was definitely comfortable up there, though.

Ford Hybrid Commercial — Funny, but too short! Then again, it could have gone on too long and then we’d say it should have quit while it was ahead.

Secret Word — The size of the package on Law’s Vladimir was hysterical. Also, for the secret word “vodka”: “If your baby is thirsty it drink this.” Or how about “steamed eggs in picked water” for your birthday?

Broadview Security — I swear I saw another skit in the past about Broadview Security, but I can’t seem to place when that was. Anyway, I particularly loved how this skit poked fun at these insane commercials of real security products, where a HUGE house is occupied by a single woman.

Welcome to Spain: Have an Adventure — Not really sure what to say about this one other than I loved Law in it, hence my photo choice above.

SNL Digital Short: A Boombox is Not a Toy — Oh you just knew I’d do the lyrics for this puppy. And here they are. But before that, who was the other guy with Samberg in this sketch singing?

Imagine in your mind a posh country club
The stuffy old money where the poor get snubbed
The spread is bland
Sourkraut and boiled goose
There’s no way these people
Will ever cut loose

Then I walk in the room
Hold my boombox high
And what happened next
Will blow your mind

Everything got out of control
The music was so entrancing
Everyone got out on the floor
It was a bunch of old white people dancing

The Big Apple, where people never dance
Spirits go down while profits expand
The cops or the dealers
Who’s got the juice?
The street vendors peddling
Their boiled goose

So many types of people
They’ll never get along
‘Til I bust out my boombox
And play this song

The music washed away all their hate
And society started advancing
The demographic was represented
It was a rainbow coalition of dancing

Whoa! Everyone was wearing fingerless gloves
Whoa! I saw a Spanish guy doing the Bartman

Transport now
To an old folks home
Where the elderly are tossed
On their brittle bones
The orderlies are stealing
There’s no excuse
Everyday for lunch they eat boiled goose

So I grab my boombox
And hit the Turbo Bass
And what happened next
Was a total disgrace

Everybody started having sex
The music was way too powerful
The old people where fucking like rabbits
It was disgusting to say the least

Oh! A boombox can change the world
You gotta know your limits with a boombox
This was a cautionary tale
A boombox is not a toy!

Musical Guest: Pearl Jam — These guys sounded decent, and pretty much the same as I remember them sounding from the ’90s, in particular Eddie Vedder. He even has the same odd looks on his face when he’s singing, sorta looking off into the sky/ceiling as he sings, his eyes nearly rolling back into his head.

Weekend Update — If any guest was ever perfectly fit for the “Really!?!” sketch, it’s Jerry Seinfeld. “Why do I get the sinking feeling that ‘Massa Massages’ were quickly followed by massabations?” Was a great addition to Weekend Update, but anytime I see Jerry on TV now — especially on NBC — it’s because he’s basically begging people to watch whatever movie or TV show he’s involved with at the time.

Twilight Zone –Hader did a great Rod Serling. The best part of this sketch was Pearl Jam appearing on the wing of the plane in the final outside scene.

Jude Law’s Audition — Some of the current SNL cast can pull off some really decent impressions. I especially get a kick out of Samberg’s Nick Cage.

Kickspit Underground Rock Festival — This is a reused sketch from last year, but it’s still funny as hell.

Elinda Nade: Court Stenographer — Elinda is a character we saw once before with Jon Hamm in January. It was funny the first time, but since we saw it already, this felt like nothing new.

Talk Show with Ravish — This was actually more depressing than funny, because I’m betting there are families out there with fathers who pressure their already excelling kids. The funniest part was probably “Jay Leno Walking with Ravish.”

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Once again, we get a guest host who appears in nearly every skit, including both musical numbers. The only bit that made this episode memorable was the cold open. Other than that, even the Weekend Update was meh. Not awful, but not great.

Cold Open: We Are The World 3 — I really, really wanted to get the lyrics for this, but after 30 minutes of trying to figure out what the hell some of them were saying, I gave up with way too many holes in the song. Anyway, overall this was really funny — and I love non-political skits — I just wish I could understand every word of it. Anyone else surprised they didn’t go with a Tiger Woods press conference skit?

UPDATE: I think I nailed most of it. Here are the lyrics to We Are The World 3: Raising Awareness of the “We Are The World 2″ Disaster:

There comes a time (eh)
When we heed a certain call (eh)
and the world must come together as one

There were people singing
some famous but most not
a big swing that didn’t work at all

We Are The World
Was good the first time
But this remake
It was a big mistake
But well intentioned

It just seemed chaotic
And so disorganized
Most people wouldn’t take off their sunglasses. Hey!

To stress again
They’re good intentioned
Though hey, come on
I think I saw Vince Vaughn
And that’s Jeff Bridges

The host of the solos
Was cheaply autotuned
And the whole thing seemed to frighten Justin Bieber

To stress once more
These people meant well
But tell me who
Is this weird dude
Right in the front row

There was someone’s baby
And a man who’s now in jail. Woah whoa whoa WHOA!
A guy who everyone hates
And Wyclef’s crazy yell!

Oooh and standing in the back
The icing on the cake
Next to Vince Vaughn
Could that be Fonzworth Bentley?

Yes we confirm
It’s Fonzworth Bentley
He was the fella
Who held the umbrella for P. Diddy

We were there I tell you
‘Twas like a glimpse of hell
If everyone in hell smelled like weed

We Are The World
Was good the first time
But this retake
Was like that bad remake
They did of Psycho

Wait oh my God
That had Vince Vaughn too
It all make sense
It all makes sense
It all makes sense now

We Are The World
Was good the first time ….

Monologue: Jennifer Lopez — Really short monologue, but it’s always good to hear a host poke fun of themselves.

Gyne-Lotrimin Ladies World Cup of Curling — This is becoming a near-weekly event, so long as the guest host is a female. Not really complaining, here — I actually like this skit, though I worry it’ll get old soon. “Ain’t nothing fine-ah than a yeast-free vagina!”

SNL Digital Short: Flags of the World — I guess the guys had quite a spark of ingenuity when they came up with this one … and then they used that spark to light a big ol’ bag of STRONG weed, because this was a big WTF skit.

Hollywood Dish — It made sense that they’d dig this skit out for a host like J-Lo, but I’m not a big fan of it.

Telemundo on the Olympics — I really don’t have a whole lot to say about this sketch. Maybe it takes someone from a warm climate to find it funny, but since I’m currently sitting here freezing my ass off, that wouldn’t be me.

Undercover Celebrity Boss — Loved the Richard Branson in this one, but what’s scary about this is I can actually picture CBS making this show some day.

Musical Guest: Jennifer Lopez — I was thinking we might hear a couple of her old popular songs rather than some newer stuff, since Bob told me her new record deal was scrapped, or something like that. Well, whatever she did wasn’t the old stuff, but it definitely sounded different than what I thought I’d hear from her.

Weekend Update — Damn, the whole YouTube part of the sketch was just way too accurate. Who hasn’t this happened to? “Oh here it … oh wait, it’s buffering.” So Funny.

Besos y Lagrimas — In case you were wondering, that translates to “Kisses and Tears.” Yeah, I rock the Google Translate. What’s so funny about this is that I’ve heard you can watch these cheesy Spanish soaps and understand what’s going on without understanding a word of it.

Office Puppeteer Love — Yeah, can’t get much creepier than 50 freakin’ puppets in your apartment … that you call “boyfriends.” Yikes. These sketches are pretty funny and I wouldn’t mind seeing more of them.

Smash Mouth in the Closet — “I don’t want to sing it or it’ll get stuck in your head and you won’t be able to get it out!”

Car Horns and More – You may remember a similar one to this called “Doorbells and More” last December. Not my thing.

Zipco Closet Organizer — A repeat commercial but one of my favorites of the season. Available in the gift shop of The Vatican!

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Perception is a funny thing. Last week I wrote about Jack Donaghy and all the women that he has gone through on 30 Rock. He’s a real ladies’ man. This week I’m going to turn my attention to Liz Lemon and her myriad of boyfriends. She’s had some substantial, meaningful relationships yet somehow she comes off as loser in all things love. Perhaps it’s the caliber of man she attracts, or just a gender-based double standard. In any case, Liz’s relationships have been hilarious and hilariously ill-fated.

There have been no shortage of suitors for Liz over the course of 30 Rock, but somehow things always end up badly for Liz. Here’s a list of some of the more notable men in Liz’s past.

• Dennis: Perhaps Liz’s true love, Dennis is a grade A loser. Rude, obnoxious, and maybe just a perfect fit for Liz. Dennis is definitely Liz’s funniest boyfriend. Whether he’s selling beepers, sleeping with Jenna, or calling Liz “dummy,” Dennis is always great for a laugh.
• Floyd: I think Floyd was Liz’s best relationship. Maybe not her funniest or most entertaining, but I think they were really sweet together. It’s just a shame that Floyd had to move to Cleveland. They tried the long distance thing, but that never works out.
• Jamie: It was a short lived affair, but who can forget when Liz turned cougar for a much younger man? Jenna ended up getting an even younger boyfriend and Frank went unabashedly gay for Jamie. Unfortunately, things got weird when Liz realized she was a perfect doppleganger for Jamie’s mother.
• Drew: Who would have thought Liz could date an incredibly handsome doctor like Drew? It was going well for a while until Liz realized that he lived in “the bubble,” where he never worked for anything and got everything he wanted because he was so handsome. I’m not quite sure why that was a deal breaker for her.
• Danny: Liz didn’t really have an actual relationship with the new cast member of TGS, but I thought it was hilarious that Liz was abusing her power to take advantage of the new hot young thing in the office. Clearly, she was spending too much time with Jack.
• Astronaut Mike Dexter: Poor Liz is such a loser in love that she has resorted to creating an imaginary boyfriend. It may be the healthiest relationship Liz has had to date.

Who is your favorite Lemon boyfriend?

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It’s not like it’s a big secret that 30 Rock’s Jack Donaghy has good luck with the ladies. Well, I suppose it depends how you look at things. Sure, he never has trouble finding a date, but his relationships never seem to last longer than a season. Jack’s relationships are one of my favorite parts of 30 Rock. Actually, just about anything involving Jack is my favorite part of 30 Rock. With the show taking a break for the Winter Games, I figured it would be a good time to take a look back on some of the more notable ladies in Jack’s past.

• Bianca: Jack’s ex-wife may be my favorite of all his relationships. Her portrayer, Isabella Rossellini, has a lot to do with that. I love Rossellini in just about anything she does. The back and forth between Jack and Bianca was fantastic, as well as Bianca’s sociopathic hatred of Liz. I really hope that we get to see some more of her. I can’t get enough of hearing Rossellini saying, “Damn it, Johnny, you know I love my Big Beef and Cheddar!”
• Phoebe: The incredibly high-maintenance auctioneer never came across as a good match for Jack, even if he came close to marrying her. I enjoyed her, however, with her fragile bone syndrome and uppity attitude. At the end of the day, though, I’m glad that Jack realized she was just after his money.
• CC: After The Sopranos and before Nurse Jackie, Edie Falco put in some time on 30 Rock as Jack’s opposites-attract relationship. Who would have ever thought that Jack could find love in the arms of a liberal congresswoman? The affair was fun, but brief. I would have liked to have seen it last a little longer. It ended on fairly good terms, so there’s always a chance that it could be rekindled.
• Elisa: I think Jack’s relationship with his mother’s Puerto Rican nurse was one of the best. Salma Hayek did a great job, but at the end of the day Jack and Elisa were just from different worlds. While it lasted, though, watching Jack try to function in Elisa’s world (and vice versa) brought a lot of laughs. Who can forget Jack calling Jonathan and changing his dinner reservations during a prayer in the middle of St. Valentine’s Day mass.

This list certainly isn’t exhaustive. I can’t forget about Jack’s off-screen affair with Condoleeza Rice. Also, this season has seen a couple of new options for Jack. First there was Nancy, an old flame from high school, as played by Julianne Moore and her bad Boston accent. More recently, Jack has taken up with Avery Jessup, a conservative talk show host. It seems like they certainly have a lot in common. Will it be another great relationship, or just a brief affair?

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My wife tells me I’m becoming more descriptively violent as I age, with a whole lot of “I want to punch him/her in the head/side of the head/neck” directed at television characters left and right. And while I’ve certainly vocalized those emotions more often lately, I wonder if it’s me, or my TV.

Take, for example, new American Idol judge Ellen DeGeneres. Whereas Paula Abdul became progressively unintelligible as the seasons rolled by, and Kara DioGuardi can at least flash some musical credentials (even so she’s pushing the limit of tolerance and stupidity), Ellen looks like a completely uninformed, clueless dope. And if that’s not bad enough, she’s also trying to catch up on years of accumulated yes/no mis-directions that Simon and Randy have on her, and as a result she ends up just looking mean.

And that is why I want to punch her in the neck.

But it’s so much more than that. American Idol is, and always will be, a completely subjective show. Rarely have I ever agreed with the other two or three judges (This is a bumper-crop year? For what, people who can’t sing in-tune?), and as the years have gone by I’ve even found myself nodding along with Simon less and less. But at least I could always rationalize the discrepancies by saying, “Even if they’re wrong, these people certainly know better than I what is marketable. Hell, look at Ke$ha.”

But not Ellen. I don’t watch her show, so I don’t know how much time she devotes to American Idol during its annual run. Booking her could have been a great move as far as locking down a certain demographic, or showing us viewers that “fans” can have voices too. And some have said that her humor will bring a cool dynamic to the judges’ table.

So, um, where is any of that? Now that the window is almost closed on the relative significance of the judges’ input, what has Ellen brought to the table? She hasn’t made me laugh. She hasn’t surprised me with her musical insight. In fact, if her opinion is representative of what the common man can bring to this process, I think she’s undermined the entire premise of “You select the winner,” because then clearly we all have no idea what talent is.

Which I don’t believe is true. So where does that leave Ellen? Like I said above, being mean to people unnecessarily. At least Simon does it with charm; Ellen appeared to take great pleasure in hanging this week’s contestants out in the wind while she toyed with them. I found that to be rather unappealing.

And the truth is that while I can see how my feelings toward Ellen are being compounded by how terrible I think Kara is, right now it’s LIFO (last in, first out) that matters most to me. Once Ellen’s gone, we can deal with getting Kara banished. Because, can you imagine next year’s audition rounds with Randy, Kara, Ellen, and a guest judge?

By then I’ll want to punch myself in the neck just to make it stop. So let’s try to forestall that, shall we?

Ellen first.

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It’s hard to believe I’m feeling gleeful, since I’m housebound nursing the five-year-old’s ear / sinus infection. It could definitely be worse, but suddenly, I’ve got glee, or Glee, to be exact. FOX sent over the preview for the upcoming April episodes last night (which I’ll share with you after the jump) and I’ve just been reminded of everything that makes Glee great.

In just one minute, Glee has managed to give us a sneak peek of the rumored Madonna episode that’s to come (this could possibly be the set list of the songs to be performed), complete with Sue Sylvester wearing an old Madonna favorite. Funny. But that’s not all, folks — we get a glimpse of a competition performance of Paul McCartney’s “Hello Goodbye,” and some Will / Emma kissing!

This is all speckled with snippets of scenes that we love to love — glee kids getting smoothies in the face, rehearsing, performing… it’s all there. I even think I saw Will and Emma getting ready to do more than kiss … we can only hope! All I know is that while the wait seems long, the preview put a smile on my face.

What do you think — does the preview get you excited for April, or are you missing Glee more than ever?

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This afternoon, CliqueClack received a press release from The CW. It seems that they’ve picked up five of their shows for the 2010-2011 season early, following suit with a lot of the other networks who’ve been doing this. For better or for worse, on your screen come next fall, you’ll be seeing The Vampire Diaries, Gossip Girl, 90210 and America’s Next Top Model, and Supernatural. My reactions, in this order are, “Yay!” and, “Whatever….” and, “Really? No, really?” and, “Who cares?” and, “Hmmmm….”

I love Supernatural as much as the next rabid viewer and will, without reservation, call this show the best one on television right now. As much as I welcome another season of Sam, Dean, Castiel and Bobby on my screen, I can’t say I don’t feel some trepidation about a season six.

When the series was originally conceived, Eric Kripke planned for five seasons with a definitive ending. And here we are, very, very close to that ending, which is nothing less than the Apocalypse. Though I’ve read recently that Kripke was warming to the idea of a season six (and why not, because most of the fans will be happy and he gets to line his pockets for another nine months) I only hope that it can measure up to the first five.

On the one hand, I trust Kripke and his writing team completely. They have never let me down (although I was nervous for a few episodes in the middle of season four) and have always come up with better story lines and characterizations than I could have ever dreamed possible. They’ve taken what could have been a simple horror procedural and turned it into something really special.

That said, can Kripke follow up the Apocalypse? I won’t say “top” here, because I don’t think that’s what any show is trying to do (or should do) when the next season rolls around. But where do you go from the Apocalypse? I’m not even going to attempt to theorize because if anyone can do it, it’s Kripke. But I’ve seen so many shows that just didn’t know when to call it quits, so they fizzled out rather than ended on the high note they deserved.

Let’s just leave it at this: I can’t wait to see what Kripke and friends do with season six, and I’m all for it as long as they keep doing what they have done for the last five seasons. Just write the good write, team, and this fan will be there watching, having her mind blown each week, as usual.

What do you think — yes or no to season six of Supernatural?

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Heroes had its season finale last week, and it certainly didn’t play out like a series finale. The ratings have been pretty bad for the show all year and there has been a lot of chatter about whether or not it will come back. There was no tidy wrap up to the series, however, last week. In fact, the next “volume” was introduced at the very end of the episode, indicating that everyone involved with the show must think that it’s going to return for a fifth season.

There were certainly some high points in this past year of Heroes, but there were also a lot of low points, which has me wondering if it’s worth a fifth season.

I think Brett would tell you that based on the ratings alone, the show should be canceled. With the Leno debacle leaving five hours of television to fill and no other shows on NBC really taking off, there is a chance that Heroes will come back. In fact, I think there’s a pretty good chance that it will return for a fifth season.

Through its four seasons, Heroes has lost a lot of viewers, and I just can’t imagine any of them returning. I know that, personally, I’m a little curious about what the new season would look like with the existence of super-powered people being made public. Certainly, it was about time that something big happened on the show, but I think it’s a case of too little too late. After a great first season, there was a bad second season, a terrible third season, and a slightly improved fourth. Through all of them though, the status quo has been maintained. Finally there was a shakeup in the finale this year, and that is a positive sign.

I think I could get on board a new season if some big changes were promised. The cast really needs a revamp. It’s a shame that so many characters who started as interesting people were all but ruined through poor storytelling. Luckily, it seems like the writers are getting bored with a lot of the characters. Tracy and Mohinder were barely featured in this season, and storylines seem to have been wrapped up for Hiro, Ando, and Matt. I don’t think I would miss any of them if they were all absent in a new season.

Even with changes, I’m just not sure if I could commit to another year. I’m sure I’m not alone, and it’s going to be extremely difficult for Heroes to find new viewers. Once people stop watching a show, they rarely go back.

What do you think?

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The third episode of Starz’ swords-and-sandals spectacle, Spartacus: Blood and Sand, aired last Friday. I decided to check out this show because I knew its executive producers included Sam Raimi, Robert Tapert, and Joshua Donen — the team that produced Legend of the Seeker. Three hours into the series, I’m considering whether or not to continue watching. You’ll have to help me decide.

Spartacus is similar to 300 in many ways (e.g., the computer-generated ancient world, the muscle men in barely-there costumes, the stylized violence). In fact, the show appears to be a blatant attempt to recreate the success of 300. If you hated that film, you will probably hate Spartacus as well. I watched 300 for the first time last month, and I thought it was all right. One of the things I liked best about 300 was it’s brevity (less than 2 hours). It ended before I could become bored. I’m not sure I want to see a whole season’s worth of the same stuff.

Let me briefly discuss what I like and dislike about Spartacus so far.

First, I like the cast, which includes a mix of familiar stars and hot newcomers. Lucy Lawless and John Hannah play the Roman couple that owns the ludus (the gladiator school), where Spartacus (Andy Whitfield) trains to fight in the arena. Craig Parker (Darken Rahl from Legend of the Seeker) plays Gaius Claudius Glaber, the Roman legate who sold Spartacus into slavery. Parker once again makes a great villain. In addition to Whitfield, the very attractive cast includes Erin Cummings as Spartacus’s wife, Peter Mensah as the gladiators’ trainer Doctore, and Manu Bennett as Crixus, the top dog at gladiator school. The only cast member that I don’t care for is Viva Bianca, who plays Glaber’s aristocratic wife (her voice grates on my nerves).

Second, I like some of the story lines. “Story lines! What story lines?” you scoff. But it’s true that they exist. They’re simple and sandwiched somewhere between the graphic violence and gratuitous sex — but simple stories are often the most powerful. “Wife gets kidnapped/raped by the villain” worked for Stargate SG-1 and for Rob Roy, and it works here as well. I really want to see Spartacus find Sura and make Glaber suffer for what he did. Another classic plot line is the rivalry between the alpha dog and the underdog, and again, it works well here. The antagonism between Spartacus and Crixus adds some interest to this show.

Third, I like the style of the show. What do I mean by style? The language, the music, the look and feel of it. I’m the type of person who enjoys toga tales and ethnic music. Visually, the CG stuff works well enough, although some scenes from the premiere looked very unreal (borrowing the graphic novel look from 300). What I have really enjoyed, surprisingly enough, is the dialogue, which has an archaic, almost Shakespearean flavor to it.

As for what I don’t like — well, depending on your taste, you may see these as positives and not negatives, but I personally don’t like the excessive violence, sex, nudity, and profanity. Of course, the violence is to be expected in a show about gladiators, and it’s so stylized that it looks fake. After only three hours, I’ve been completely desensitized to slow-motion blood baths. The sex scenes and nudity are gratuitous, meant to appeal to your inner voyeur, but some of the scenes are revolting. I can understand the need to show how decadent ancient Rome was, but let me ask this: if you saw Episode 3, “Legends,” did you think that scene with Varro and the slave girl and the audience of Roman aristocrats was necessary? I don’t. As far as the profanity goes, all I can say is that Spartacus is less profane than Deadwood. So don’t watch this show with your mother unless she’s a foul-mouthed, bloodthirsty voyeur.

Is Spartacus worth your time or mine? I’ve shared my thoughts, and now I’d like to read your opinions of the first three episodes. Leave a comment, and let me know whether you will continue watching and why or why not.

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It seems like only last season that Jon Hamm hosted SNL for the first time. Oh wait, it was last year. It feels a little desperate when this show can’t fit enough unique guests that they already dip into the repeat drawer so quickly.

Cold Open: State of the Union Address – I loved the inclusion of footage from the actual State of the Union address … and the Golden Globes! Seriously, the amount of not only applause, but STANDING applause during these speeches is ridiculous.

Monologue: Jon Hamm – Was definitely funny to see Don Draper-ized roles in the other shows, but Hamm was in quite a few other notable shows that could have been funnier to spoof with Don Draper added, like The Division, Providence or What About Brian … OK, so maybe not-so-notable.

Don’t Make Me Sing – One thing: what the hell was with the dancing cats?

SNL Digital Short: Sergio Curse – Was anyone else reminded of the sax player from The Lost Boys movie, Timmy Cappello? Alright, I only know who he is because I looked him up. But, yeah, that’s definitely the same sweaty sax guy, just with a different name: Sergio! Sorta a funny skit, I guess, but mostly just downright weird.

Daydreaming of Senator Scott Brown – Damn if that Barney Frank wasn’t funny as hell, coming from someone from Massachusetts.

Musical Guest: Michael Bublé – Anyone else find Bublé’s performances annoying? He either looks drunk or way too much like Matt Dillon … or both. No? Just me? Anyway, I never got what’s all that special about him.

Weekend Update – Damn, Moynihan’s Snooki looked like a Cheeto!

Gametime with Randy & Greg – Holy crap, definitely one of the funniest skits for a while. The ending alone was funny as hell, with a classic Body Snatchers scream.

Hamm & Bublé - I think most of us had a feeling there would be some sort of follow-up to last season’s “Jon Hamm’s Jon Ham” sketch. Bublé did a good job in this sketch, even if he was singing every line he delivered. Having these two guys on the show at the same time, you just knew a food reference to both of them was inevitable.

Zipco Closet Organizer -This felt a lot like an Andy Samberg special, with how completely weird it was. A blue guy in a closet, getting papers, feathers, dirt and cheese thrown at him, while he craps in a bucket? What could have made it stranger? Funniest part of this was two sketches later….

Typewriting Court Stenographer – I’m stuck for anything to say about this sketch, really. It was short and unmemorable.

Return of Closet Organizer – I really wasn’t sure where this was going at first, but the connection to one of the previous sketches was awesome.

American Enterprise: Barnes & Noble – What a short and pointless sketch that I can only believe developed from one of the writers having a run-in with homeless people in a Barnes & Noble store.

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It’s been almost two full months since the last episode of FlashForward aired, and you know what? I haven’t really missed it. It’s unfortunate because going into the season, I thought FlashForward was going to be my favorite new show. It had a lot going for it: an interesting concept, a great cast, and some well-pedigreed writers and producers behind the scenes. The show certainly started strong, with one of the better pilots I can remember seeing.

In the time since that opening episode, however, I feel like the show has devolved into a muddled melodrama.

The first ten episodes certainly weren’t all bad. There were definitely some high moments, including one character taking fate and destiny into his own hands and Bryce’s surprising back story. The show is also rife with mystery and intrigue, perhaps too much so. It seemed to me that a new element of mystery was added at the end of nearly every episode, but nothing was ever tied together or built upon. Hopefully when the show returns in March it will begin to tie together some of the many loose ends that have been introduced.

Certainly some of the stories have begun to take shape and that has me encouraged. One of the other highlights of the first part of the season was the introduction of Simon, Dominic Monaghan’s character. We’ve already seen that he developed the plans for the towers that were built in Africa in the ’90s when a similar event to the blackout occurred. It seems like all the characters were just beginning to come together and connect the dots … and then the show was ripped off the air.

I’m sure that decision is not going to help the ratings, which were in a bit of a free fall since the first episode. I think at the end of the day the real problem was the melodramatic style that the show took. Far too often “dramatic” moments went too far, becoming almost laughably over the top. Still, I’m remaining optimistic that when the show returns some of these problems will be addressed and the glimmers of a great show that we saw become more regular.

What did you think of the first ten episodes? Have you missed FlashForward on your TV?

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We’re a mere two weeks away from the premiere of Lost. I can hardly believe it. It’s been such a long wait, I almost thought it was never going to get here, but it is! This off-season has been long and there hasn’t been a whole lot to talk about for the most of it. News was hard to come by, and to be completely honest, there was a lot of news that I missed. This wasn’t lazy blogging, but instead a concerted effort to go into the final episodes of Lost fresh and open minded.

It’s a question that has plagued Lost since it’s inception: is it better to seek out spoilers and inside information, or just go with the flow and be surprised?

Throughout it’s run, I’ve generally stayed away from blatant or overly detailed spoilers, but I did spend a lot of time at Dark UFO, one of the best Lost sites on the web. It’s hard to resist the spoilers over at Dark UFO. They get the best inside information and have a huge collection of juicy (and not so juicy) rumors and spoilers. With the final episodes coming up, however, I have cut off all of my spoiler sources. I have made a clean break and I’m determined to avoid any possible information that could ruin a surprise for me.

The only exception that I am making is for casting news. This has proven just too difficult to avoid. It isn’t just a matter of avoiding spoiler-specific spots. I’ve seen casting details divulged in headlines on Google News. So yes, I may have heard that some old cast members are making return appearances this season, but I know nothing about the nature of the returns. Of course, the writers and producers have been so tight lipped that I’m not sure anyone knows about the nature of the the returns.

I’ve made my decision, though: no spoilers for me this season. We’ll see if I can stick with it. What about you?

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I know a few people were hoping for Sigourney Weaver to do a skit around her role on Ghost Busters. Well, may have not gotten that one, but she at least made reference to two others. Definitely a good sport all around, an OK performance, but not the most memorable guest.

Cold Open: Larry King Live — Nice to see a cold open that’s hitting the topic we all want to see and is NOT a political theme. Also, Jason Sudeikis was pretty damn funny as Letterman. On the other hand, the guy playing Leno (who was that?) was as annoying as … as … well, Leno. So, hey, I guess he did a bang up job.

Monologue: Sigourney Weaver — I had forgotten that Sigourney Weaver’s father created The Tonight Show. Anyway, a pretty unremarkable monologue, and I was surprised that she took a few missteps in there.

Grady Wilson’s Fifty and Freaky — This skit was saved by Weaver’s appearance in it, but damn, it’s still as disturbing as ever. To be a fly on the wall when that skit was pitched to her to participate in….

Summer’s Eve Lady Stars of Darts Championship — What is it about Weaver playing Eastern European women? “When your man’s in a coma from your panty aroma: Summer’s Eve … douche.”

SNL Digital Short: James Cameron’s Laser Cats 5 — I dunno what it is about these, but I love ‘em. Adding Alien’s Ripley to the James Cameron directed movie? Brilliant! And finally a guest reprising a role from their past! Best sketch of the night, even if it was recorded.

Disco Booty Junction — I think a real Amber & Cream team needs to come around and pull the same crap these two were pulling. The scandal, at trying to figure out who’s who would last a whole week! Alright, this skit sucked.

Musical Guest: The Ting Tings — I’d never heard of these guys prior to tonight, and I’ve only heard the second song before. Although, I swear that first song was something playing during the summer of 1987 … not that that’s a bad thing.

Weekend Update — Loved Seth Meyers’s explanation for what happened with the Conan/Leno debacle, even if it was very close to what a few people have said already about the situation.

Avatar — “Plug me back in. For science! For science!” Loved the tiny little legs on poor eggplant-raped Jake. Again, I’m really happy that we’re seeing a guest connect back with something they’re known for having done … I mean the movie, not the eggplant.

Riley — Oh God, a new skit with a theme song. I really hope this is the last we’ll see of it. Oh wait, this is SNL; we’ll see it every other episode, BITCH!

Sigourney’s Internet Addiction — I love that NBC apparently bought up eyesugar.biz. NO, I was not looking for the nip slip picture! This was for research. What?

Fire and Rice — Wow, what a throw away sketch. At this point of the episode, what are you supposed to say about this two minute job? And a second mention of peeing out of Weaver. What the heck?

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I realize we’ve yet to see the makeup of the new panel of judges on American Idol (Ellen DeGeneres joins when the show hits Hollywood), but we did get our first exposure to life without Paula last night. So, what did everyone think?

Personally, I loved it. As much as I think Kara DioGuardi is completely incompetent (and infantile), and least she’s not a rambling, bumbling stream of nonsensical adjectives, strung together only so far as one literally follows another. I don’t care whether Paula was on something or not … no one should turn in work that sub par on a regular basis. I say so long, and good riddance — you certainly were not missed last night!

Even when David Beckham’s wife (how funny was the person who called Victoria that?) spewed nonsense about looks and appearances, I didn’t feel as if she was talking on as vastly inapplicable a plane as Paula used to. Even as Kara shouted at Simon for being Simon I didn’t feel the urge to punch her in the face the way Paula’s fights with him used to make me feel. Hell, even as Kara got into an unbelievably juvenile and embarrassing argument with the oddly Clark Kent-looking contestant, I was still thanking the money men at FOX for saying so long to Paula. They sure did us a solid.

What I do wonder is how many people are going to call Kara “Paula” this season. We saw one last night, and there are bound to be more. And you know it’s going to be Kara who gets it — she’s not at all recognizable the way the guest judges are bound to be (although “V” could walk up to me and introduce herself and I still would have no idea who she was), and everyone knows who Ellen is (she’s the talk show host who looks like a little boy, right?). Kara, on the other hand, is a non-entity, and, like Paula, has dark hair. Yeah, she’s going to get “Paula”-d for a long time.

Although there’s no telling how long the show will actually last post-Simon. As my wife opined last night, contestants (and industry experts) are likely to start calling a post-Simon American Idol win less-than, which would surely number the show’s days. But then that’s not surprising — I’ve never heard a contestant in the confessional mention anyone other than Simon when discussing who they were looking to impress, or whose comments meant the most to them.

But all that is next year’s problem. Right now things are good with Idol … Paula’s gone, Simon’s still here, guest judges are in town, train wreck contestants await, and, while she may excel, Ellen has yet to disappoint (not that she will, I’m just saying that an unknown future is still a bright and shiny one).

What did you think? Was the hard-to-miss absence of Paula’s voice a gift from the gods, or did you find yourself longing for her great musical insight? Or do you fall somewhere in between?

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The juggernaut that is American Idol is about to devour us yet again. Next Tuesday night, January 12, at 8PM, the talent-less talent show returns for its ninth season. And already I’ve got DVR headaches.

I should back up and say that 1) Yes, I watch the show, and 2) I am one of the few (and the proud) who do not watch it live, and therefore have no involvement in the suspense — or the voting — that generally goes hand-in-hand with the series. I got sucked in during season two because there was a group of people who could sing. Unfortunately, each subsequent year has gotten worse, and even the stars who shined (Carrie Underwood, Chris Daughtry, Jordin Sparks, … that’s all she wrote) were overshadowed by the monumental amount of sucking that permeates each and every “top” list in a given season. So why do I, and you, keep on watching?

I recognize that some of you love the singers on the show. Okay, probably many of you. That’s fine, and is the wonderful thing about subjective tastes. But what about those of us who can’t wait for the commercial breaks night after night? Why do we keep on coming back?

I don’t know … there really isn’t much more to it than that. I know I like the audition rounds, both for the surprising talent and the over-the-top hurtfulness that Simon spits at the clueless. I enjoy the bartering, the cajoling, the contestants who come back in, bring their families, take it to the streets for a vote, or whatever. I’m actually surprised we’ve never seen someone overtly offering sexual favors in exchange for a golden ticket.

I love the really uncalled for stuff that happens — the uncontrollable laughter of the judges, and the outlandish requests made of some of these dreamers. I know it sounds mean, but if you’re going to put yourself through this process, especially after seeing what the judges have done for the past eight years, you can’t really expect anything less than 25 million people laughing at you.

The truth is that I could end my viewing pre-Hollywood, but I keep watching until the end. Why? Well, not because I particularly like any of the contestants, although I do always manage to find one in the group who I think possesses some talent. The reason is really the contestants who come out of nowhere — as far as I’m concerned — and wow me with their skill.

Everyone loved Elliott Yamin from the beginning — I thought he was awful. Until somewhere midway through the top whatever, when all of  a sudden he blew me away. Now I enjoy catching one of his songs on the radio. Or Jason Castro, who connected with one song at some point, and showed me what exactly his sound was all about.

Plus the drama is funny. For an eternity, people broke into the music industry through hard work, exposure, and a ton of luck. But American Idol and shows like it have created an environment that tells aspiring singers that winning a contest is the new “making it.” I’m not saying the contestants don’t work hard, but all you struggling artists out there can back this up — Idol is the easy way through. The fact that most contestants see it as life-or-death may be the saddest — and therefore the most entertaining for our voyeuristic tastes — part about it.

Also, there’s no more Paula Abdul, a fact I absolutely cannot overlook. Ellen Degeneres is a horrible choice, and Kara DioGuardi will continue to suck this season, but at least there’s no more Paula. That could be reason enough to watch.

Now nothing will overshadow the contestants’ own ineptitude.

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Lately, I’ve been looking forward to some of the shows that are going to be returning in the next few months. Of course, I can’t wait for the final season of Lost to start, but I’m also excited about the return of Damages and Breaking Bad. One show that’s not really on my radar is 24. I know it’s hugely popular, and I watched a good chunk of the first season, but I just couldn’t get into it.

As I’ve spoken with people over the past few years I’ve noticed something. It seems like there are very few people who are fans of both Lost and 24.

I suppose it makes sense, because the two shows are pretty much polar opposites. Lost is the ultimate slow burn, with a long, twisting story that has slowly (slowly, slowly) unraveled over the course of six seasons. 24, on the other hand is a non-stop thrill ride. Honestly, there is something to be said for each of these models, and the popularity and longevity of each show is testament to that.

The question becomes, can you be fans of both? It seems simple: of course you can. Both shows are high quality, critically acclaimed shows, often pulling down award nominations and wins. The only trick is that I know very few people who are passionate about both shows. In fact, I don’t think I know any. Now, I’m sure I could pick any two shows and make this same argument, but Lost and 24 are a natural fit because they are so different.

So, which show do you like?

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The 67th Annual Golden Globes nominations were announced this past week, and as is usual for a bunch of talkative bloggers like ourselves, we’ve got our own take on who we think should take the award for each category … that is, from those who were nominated. If there’s time before the awards date (January 17), we’ll go on about who we thought should be nominated and win the award, even if they aren’t on the list.

Last time we gave you our picks for Best Drama. Next up, the Best Comedy/Musical category….

Best Comedy/Musical
30 Rock, Entourage, Glee, Modern Family, The Office

Bob – 30 Rock: I’m thrilled for Modern Family, but after only half a season it hasn’t proven itself to be funnier than 30 Rock, which is having one of its best seasons.

Julia – 30 Rock or Glee: I’m honestly torn between Glee and 30 Rock. Both are phenomenal and have had phenomenal seasons. I’m not sure if Glee’s as much of a comedy as 30 Rock is, but 30 Rock’s won so many accolades I almost want to give it to someone else just to mix things up. I’d be happy if either won.

Kona – Modern Family: I love 30 Rock just as much as the next gal, but let’s face it: this category needs to be shaken up a little bit, and Modern Family provides just that kind of shakeup. I have watched every single episode, and I have nary a complaint about any of them (except for Edward Norton’s weird cameo). Nothing else on TV right now makes me laugh so consistently.

Deb – Glee: I’m going with Glee not necessarily because it’s my favorite in the category (though I do love it!) but because I think they’ve done something truly original and unique here, and done it  with style and cleverness.

Keith – Modern Family: I’m going with Modern Family, only because I don’t watch 30 Rock. I don’t think the other three nominees deserve to be here, including The Office, because it’s been sucking this year. I watch Entourage, and it doesn’t deserve it — no way. And Glee’s not better than Modern Family.

Ivey – Glee: I sneak this one in here, surprised at the nomination, but since BBT isn’t here, I think the musical will/can pull one off (I don’t watch any of the other shows, especially 30 Rock which, sorry Julia, I think is the most overrated tripe on television since Friends went off the air).

Rich – 30 Rock: I’d love if it was Glee, but it just doesn’t have the comedic chops of 30 Rock. The Office? Not this season.

Jason – Glee: In only half a season, there is no show on television like it. The actors are caricatures, yes, and yet enable us to get emotionally invested in them and their situations at the same time. The use of musical numbers for storytelling is handled brilliantly, and they’ve done a great job of expanding from a core group of characters, and fleshing out those peripheral presences already. It’s a show that’s firing on cylinders most shows take two or three seasons to find.

Brett – 30 Rock: I really would have given this one to Glee if someone would have shot Terri in the face after her second or third appearance and then all the kids danced and sang around her grave. But they didn’t, and I just couldn’t take it anymore. Congratulations, 30 Rock! (Of course, Venture Bros. remains the best comedy on TV)

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First, let’s cover the Best Drama category….

Kona – Mad Men: If you would have asked me this a month ago, I wouldn’t even have hesitated. However, Dexter’s fourth season was so strong, that it almost edged out Mad Men. In the end though, I’ve got to go with the folks at Sterling Cooper.

Deb – Dexter: I don’t watch Mad Men (yeah, I’ll get to it!) and House was pretty close for me, but Dexter takes it. I think there’s something about the 12 episode season that’s so appealing. Plus, the fact that a serial killer is the protagonist is so fresh, I just love it.

Keith – Mad Men: And I don’t even watch it. I’m just very trusting of the people who say it’s so great. I love Dexter, but I don’t believe it’s so good that it’s award worthy. I will say, though, that from what I saw of True Blood, WTF is it doing here?

Ivey – Abstain: I only watch one of the nominated shows, and True Blood doesn’t deserve it based on this year’s half brilliant/half ugly performance.

Rich – Mad Men or House: Mad Men is such a fan and critical success that it should win. However, if FOX sent the season six premiere episode of House for review, then House could definitely win.

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Yesterday, an innocent conversation amongst the CliqueClack writers devolved into a discussion of Morena Baccarin’s hair for her role as Anna on V. While the super-short haircut gives her a very distinctive look, the Firefly beauty now bears an uncanny resemblance to awkward, young Michael Cera. Compare the photos above, side-by-side. Some have even spotted a resemblance to The Big Bang Theory’s Jim Parsons! The question is this: does Baccarin’s hair work for her and for her current role as the Lizard Queen?

We had widely differing opinions on this subject.

Brett Love, the man whose cryptic reference to a “horrid haircut” started it all, had this to say: “Yes, I was talking about Morena Baccarin’s ridiculous haircut. When she was on Firefly, with the gorgeous, long, shampoo-commercial hair, we could have argued about whether or not she was the hottest woman on television … Now, with her creepy Sheldon cut, she’s not even in the conversation. It annoys me for that and a number of other reasons. For one, they make a point of having Decker remark on how beautiful all of the visitors are. Well, you know what’s 100x more beautiful than Anna? Anna with some frickin’ hair! Fortunately, they had the good sense to also cast Laura Vandervoort (CANADA!), with a proper haircut, which I believe has helped save the show from Anna’s unsightly melon. But that’s just me.”

Bill White, whose wife has the same haircut, countered, “Just have to chip in my 2 cents: She looks WAY BETTER with short hair! I think V is boring as all get out, but having MB on it almost makes me tune in.”

Jen Creer doesn’t seem to mind the Michael Cera resemblance too much. “I just died laughing … I didn’t see her on Firefly, (it’s on the list!), so I think it’s fine. Makes her look more like a lizard. Don’t you just love all the weird little lizard movements she does with her head?”

I have to agree with Jen. Although I definitely prefer the long locks she sported as Inara Serra, I think Baccarin’s shorn head ultimately adds to Anna’s underlying creepiness. Still, when I look at her now, I can’t help but see Michael Cera.

How about you? Does Baccarin’s hair work for you? Take the poll and leave a comment.

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“I can’t decide if you’re a really good dad or a really bad one.” – Travis
“I am both, and I am neither.” – Andy

I’ve always said that Cougar Town is all about the men, and this episode was no exception. I’m taking it one further — Andy ruled the show last night, which is something we haven’t yet seen him do. Wasn’t it nice to see Andy as more than Bobby’s creepy admirer adoring fan? Sure, he was still one part whipped husband, but it was so fun to watch him come into his own as a true main character.

I think I could have stopped watching this episode of Cougar Town after the open and still thought of it as one of the best episodes so far. Not because it sucked after that, but because I laughed enough for the entire episode at the belly button lint scene. It was funny enough, but “Don’t you dare smell that” put me over the edge. Hilarious.

But it held the momentum throughout the episode. From the “baby cage,” complete with gerbil / baby bottle that Andy tried to pass off as a fort to Ellie, to the “Magellan leash” that let Stan be the explorer within, I couldn’t stop laughing at Andy the dad, who we really haven’t gotten to see before since Ellie is so controlling. And this quote, oh, this quote, after the Magellan leash incident:

“I’m going to go decide what your consequences are.” – Ellie
“Sounds like a plan.” – Andy
“Plus, I don’t want Stan to witness the murder of his father.” – Ellie
“That’s how Batman became Batman.” – Travis

Although Andy ruled Cougar Town for me last night, I can’t go without mentioning Bobby trying to get Grayson (aka Graystoke) to talk about whatever was bothering him, which turned out to be that his ex-wife had her baby. It was funny and sweet and a testament to just how awesome male bonding can be. Sometimes (OK, most of the time) women yap too much, but with a “Tristan is a stupid name,” we got everything Bobby could say and everything Grayson needed to hear in one line.

I think I’m going to enjoy Scott Foley and the Jules / Jeff story line when Cougar Town comes back next year. Jules is definitely more fun when she’s being neurotic in a semi-relationship, as opposed to situations like spin class guy. Although we did get finger guns and this quote:

“Oh my God, he must be a jeans model for that cheesy store.”  – Laurie
“Or, he loves his body and lives his life shirtless no matter what anyone thinks. Like Matthew McConaughey. – Ellie

Are you loving Cougar Town? One final thought, which requires a poll, I think: Which is better, Cougar Town or Scrubs? I caught this week’s episode of the new Scrubs, and I was reminded of the greatness of the original, but also of just how annoying it could be. I find Cougar Town to be lighter on the annoying and heavier on the funny. I think Bill Lawrence, the next generation, is really working for me on Cougar Town.

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