CliqueClack TV » Quotation Marks

Quotation Marks – Bilarious, bike-curious, and bagpiping

Ivey West — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 14:35:33 +0000

I have missed the Supernatural boat. Everyone tells me what a great show it is, but I’ve never taken the time. If this week’s lead quote is any indication, I sure am missing out. The week before the start of November Sweeps also brings us some good quotes from Modern Family and Community. Next week, however, I promise the return of Glee!

Supernatural

“You gotta calm down.” — Sam
“Calm down? I’m wearing sunglasses at night!! You know who does that? No talent douche bags! I hate this game! I hate that we’re in a procedural cop show and you want to know to know why … because I hate procedural cop shows! There’s like 300 of them on television and they’re all the freaking same. It’s, ‘Oh, plane crashed here.’ Oh shut up!” — Dean

30 Rock

“You’re setting him up to get it. You don’t think I know that trick. You don’t think I’ve been brought in on a million auditions just to make Kim Catrall seem grounded and human.” — Jenna, on Liz’s plan to get a new cast member hired.

“My mom used to send me articles about how older virgins are considered good luck in Mexico.” — Liz

“I’m not gay. I’m…bilarious!” — Homosexual man waiting on line to see Hugh Jackman

Community

“Listen… Randi can be the name of a guy or a girl. But in this case… it is definitely a girl.” — Troy

“I’m an artist. I write what I feel. And I feel that you suck.” — Vaughn

“TV’s the best dad there is. TV never came home drunk. TV never forgot me at the zoo. TV never abused and insulted me. Unless you count Cop Rock.” — Jeff

“I lived in my car for a stretch in the ’70s. Nothing like bedding on one in the vinyl backseat of a Skylark. Of course we didn’t have the same safety standards back then, so… no condoms. I tell you, before AIDS, sex was like shaking hands.” — Pierce
“Hence AIDS.” — Abed

Parks and Recreation

“Pawnee’s library department is the most diabolical and ruthless bunch of bureaucrats I’ve ever seen. They’re like a biker gang. Only instead of shotguns and crystal meth they use political savvy and shushing.” — Leslie

“It was like doing peyote and sneezing slowly for six hours… that woman really knows her way around a penis.” — Ron on sleeping with his ex-wife Tammi

Vampire Diaries

“I’m worse than shallow — I’m a kiddie pool.” — Caroline

“Unexpected surprise? I think the wrong brother went back to high school.” — Lexi to Damon

“Are you wearing polyester?” — Caroline to Bonnie after she gets zapped by her necklace

Modern Family

“And Mitchell is still upset because Claire quit the team right before some meet.” — Cam
“Some meet? The 13-and-under regional championship. Just the Emerald City at the end of my yellow brick road.” — Mitchell
“Oh, you did it.” — Cam
“What?” — Mitchell
“You made figure skating sound even gayer.” — Cam

“Last year you said basketball was going to be my sport.” — Luke
“Look, I’ve said a lot of things I wish I could take back, but I can’t.” — Phil

“It doesn’t matter to you because you had your own moments…. You had cheerleading and high school plays and making out with the quarterback….” — Mitchell
“Oh come on, you made out with him too.” — Claire

“That wasn’t angry talk?” — Jay
“No, that was happy talk.” — Gloria
“I’m beginning to see why there’s so much conflict on your continent.” — Jay

How I Met Your Mother

“That must be that tantric bagpiping that Sting is into … shut the bagpipes up.” — Ted to Robin, about the noisy “bagpiping” neighbors upstairs

”I’ll wash my manhood when I’m good and ready!” — Marshall

Greek

“I hate crickets. Ever since Pinocchio … they’re too bossy.” — Beaver

“Cappie, who do the Kappa Tau’s hate the most?” — Casey
“Ryan Seacrest. Oh no, no, no, wait, wait; Officer Huck.” — Cappie
“And who do the Omega Kais hate the most?” — Casey
“Liberals?” — Cappie

“We’re in.” — Evan
“Well, we’re in further.” — Beaver
“Do you have any idea what comes out of your mouth?” — Tripp
“No … do you?” — Beaver

“We’re all gonna go to girl jail, like those prison movies my boyfriend watches.” — ZBZer, after the fire

The Office

“I am not robbing the cradle … if anything, I’m robbing the grave.” — Michael, on dating Pam’s mom

South Park

“What would you call a straight man, who doesn’t own a Harley, but likes them and might buy one someday?” — Woman
“You call him bike-curious.” — Cartman

Photo Credit: CW

Quotation Marks – Batman, Emperor Palpatine, and sexy kittens

Ivey West — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 20:54:39 +0000

Halloween week on TV always is fun. Costumes, parties, and horror stories, oh my! This week wasn’t all about the Day of the Dead, however. We saw Derek buck the odds (and his boss) and perform a miracle like surgery, NBC cancel my favorite new show of year (Favorite show not named Glee that is), and the folks from Supernatural meet their future counterparts. And its not even November Sweeps yet!!

Community

“Batman.” — Jeff
“Yeah.” — Abed
“Are you staying for the party?” — Jeff
“If I stay, there can be no party. I must be out there in the night, staying vigilant. Wherever a party needs to be saved, I’m there. Wherever there are masks, or there’s tomfoolery and joy, I’m there. But sometimes I’m not, ’cause I’m out in the night, staying vigilant, watching, lurking, running, jumping, hurtling, sleeping. No, I can’t sleep. I don’t sleep. You sleep. I’m awake. I don’t sleep. I don’t blink. Am I a bird? No. I’m a bat. I am Batman … or am I? Yes, I am Batman. Happy Halloween.” — Abed

“Dia de los Muertos, or Day of the dead, is often referred to as Mexican Halloween.” — Annie
“Which is actually quite offensive to people familiar with “Mexican Halloween” as a sexual position.” — Mr. Chang

Greek

“My parents don’t celebrate Thanksgiving; they side with the Native Americans. And the turkey — they’re vegetarians.” — Cappie

“I care about old people … I watch Desperate Housewives.” — Rebecca

The Middle

“And I’m the one who needs testing.” — Brick to Frankie after Sue comes through chasing a tennis ball

“Ketchup packets?” — Mike
“They’re my security condiments; they soothe me.” — Brick

“It was fun. It was a little loud, but I got some reading done.” — Brick to Frankie, on how basketball was

The Office

“I want to sell your blood.” — Creed’s take on Dracula

“I’m not usually the butt of the joke; I’m usually the face of the joke.” — Michael

“I could get a fish for a five-cent worm.” — Michael
“Oh, you’re paying way too much for worms, man. Who’s your worm guy?” — Creed

Parks and Recreation

“Hey slutty teenaged girls dressed as sexy kittens, pump your own stomachs this year!” — Anne

The Vampire Diaries

“OK, Count Deepak.” — Damon to Stefan on his “we’re all our own person” speech to Vicki

“Why do I have to pee? I thought I was dead.” — Vicki

Modern Family

“Am I driving him to school or is he riding his burro?” — Jay to Gloria about Manny wearing his poncho to school

“Usually we just gave time outs.” — Claire to Mitchell, when he asked her if she ever banged her kids’ heads against the wall.

Supernatural

“I didn’t know what you were. Have you seen you? You look like …” — Sam
“The old chick from Titanic. I know, shut up.” — Old Dean
“I was going to say Emperor Palpatine.” — Sam

30 Rock

“Hey Tracy, did you hear? Fred Dawkins, the incredibly overweight guy that Pacman was based on died last night.” — Frank
“I will eat a bowl of cherries and some ghost meat in his honor.” — Tracy

“I”m not going to be pushed aside and forgotten, like that time at my sister’s funeral.” — Jenna

“Good God Lemon, your breath. When did you find the time to eat a diaper that you found on the beach?” — Jack to Liz

Dexter

“If my face was all over the media for shooting a cop and a Fed … I’d be digging a fucking hole all the way to China.” — Vince
“…” — Everyone Else
“No one fucking go there.” — Vince

Grey’s Anatomy

“Don’t worry … Being ditched by cancer wife won’t change my mind, you’re still a douche.” — Reed to Karev

“Today, if you become frightened, instead, become inspired.” — Isaac to Derek

Trauma

“You’re giving a naked co-ed a sponge bath in my copter?” — Marisa to Rabbit

Photo Credit: NBC

Quotation Marks – Ascots, belly buttons, and Crocs

Ivey West — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 15:40:25 +0000

This week’s column is a tribute to the new sitcoms network television has given us this season. Sure, we’ve still got some hour-longs in there (because you know I’m not going to let one of these posts go up with out some Glee love), but we’re mainly highlighting the the half hour comedies this time around.

Modern Family

“Why is she dressed like the Hamburglar?” — Mitchell, about his baby Lily

“I’ll tell you what’s weird. Our son is not weird. What’s weird is that her kid wears aftershave and dresses like a count.” — Claire, about Manny

“It’s not just the game. It’s the bands, and the drama and the pageantry.” — Mitchell
“Don’t forget about the team mascots.” — Cameron
“They wear ascots?” — Mitchell
“No, mascots, with an ‘m.’ That could have been very embarrassing.” — Cameron

“Claire likes to say you can be part of the problem or part of the solution. I happen to believe that you can be both.” — Phil

House

“He’s just agreeing with you because he wants to have sex with you. By the way, I agree with you too — especially in those pants.” — House to Cameron

“Can I tell you something? I wasn’t picking lint out of my belly button.”– House to Wilson

“You want to take this case because he’s another sad puppy. You should have been a vet.” — House to Cameron

“You do make me feel funny.” — House to Cuddy

“That’s not hate, it’s foreplay.” — intern to intern, about Cuddy and House

Community

“I think if you said ‘jump,’ he’d say ‘how high’. I think if you said ’stop’ he’d say ‘Hammertime.’” — Dean Pelton

Parks and Recreation

“Mark, I am so sick of moving like a slug. I want to move like a cheetah. Or a slug driving a remote controlled car. Well, maybe something more plausible than that, but fast.” — Leslie

Greek

“Someone without a college degree shouldn’t be so choosy.” — Dale to Lana

“Hi. Um, I have a friend of mine I’d like to introduce you to; his name’s Jesus. And he pays much greater dividends than those dollar bills in your underpants.” — Dale to a stripper

“Jesus knows how to party; dude makes his own wine.” — Dale to a KTer

“You know, some people appreciate my sense of humor.” — Evan
“Some people appreciate Crocs.” — Ashleigh

Glee

“I will go to the animal shelter and get you a kitty cat. I will let you fall in love with that kitty cat. And then on some dark cold night, I’ll steal away into your home and punch you in the face.” — Sue to Will

“I can’t do this.” — Rachel
“Why? We’re a couple of good-lookin’ Jews. It’s natural.” — Puck
“I can’t give myself to someone who isn’t brave enough to sing a solo. If you don’t have the guts to do that, how are you gonna be able to deal with the ups and downs of loving an admittedly high maintenance girl like me?” — Rachel
“Are you questioning my badassness? Have you seen my guns?” — Puck

“Know what the worst part is? It’s not the burning in your eyes or how the slushee drips into your underpants. It’s the humiliation.” — Puck

The Middle

“So, this Olivia, is she here right now?”– Mike to Brick when Brick announced that he was dating someone

“Great advice Axl; now I’m married, and we have a baby!” — Brick

“I’m not even sure if Rainbow Bright is mine.” — Brick

“Nobody ever has a record of Sue.” — Frankie

The Office

“That could have gone one of two ways. But I never expected her to get upset.” — Michael about Pam

“I am your boss, and I may someday be your father.” — Michael to Pam

“Did you really think I would put my primary listening device in a wooden mallard? I’m not insane.” — Dwight, showing the camera his pen recorder

30 Rock

“After the elections I could have gotten any ambassadorship I wanted, even to the world’s gayest country — Ireland.” — Devon

“In three days the headlines will read, ‘Jack Donaghy saves GE, comma, marries your mom.’” — Jack

“A book hasn’t caused me this much trouble since Where’s Waldo went to that barber pole factory!” — Tracy

“This isn’t the auto industry, Pete. The auto industry was run by a bunch of out-of-touch white guys selling consumers a product they didn’t want. We’re GE damn it, and we’re going to make a giant, flimsy microwave!” — Jack

The Venture Bros

“I can cross ’stab Hitler to death’ off my list of cool crap I thought I’d never do.” — Brock Samson

How I Met Your Mother

“OK, that’s it. [stands up on top of chair] Attention, Canada. I’m Barney, from America, and I’m here to fix your backward-ass country. Number one, get real money. [shows Canadian dollar bill] Don’t know what board game this came from, but it’s a [in French accent] joke. Number two, and this is a biggie, quit letting awesome chicks like Robin Scherbatsky get away because you know what, you don’t want her, I’m planting my flag in her, if you know what I mean — which you probably don’t — and getting her the hell out of here. You may now return to being pointless.” — Barney

Big Bang Theory

“Did that guy just say, ‘Revenge is a dish best served cold,’ in Klingon?” — Wil Wheaton
“I believe so.” — Stuart
“What is wrong with him?” — Wil
“Everyone has a different theory.” — Stuart

“I came here to defeat Wil Wheaton, the man who destroyed my dream, but I can’t defeat Wil Wheaton, the man who loved his memaw. [plays his card] Enchanted Bunny.” — Sheldon
“NOOOO!!!!! Not Enchanted Bunny!” — Raj
“I call my memaw ‘Nana,’ and she going to be very happy to hear my small rock kills your Enchanted Bunny. Game over, Moon Pie.” — Wil
“I … I don’t understand. Your grandmother’s alive?” — Sheldon
“You catch on quick. Come on, Stewie, let’s get our prize money.” — Wil

Photo Credit: CBS

Quotation Marks – Dockers, Tab-booty calls, and the letter R

Ivey West — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 18:03:16 +0000

Glee

[while hugging]
“I will destroy you.” – Will
“I’m about to vomit down your back.” – Coach Sylvestser
“It’s on.” – Will

“The independent polling company in my Dockers has confirmed that you’re the hottest girl in this school.” – Jacob

Community

“The only difference between Senor Chang and Stalin is that I know who Senor Chang is.” – Troy

Parks and Recreation

“That’s why people respect Hillary Clinton so much, because no one takes a punch like her. She’s the strongest, smartest punching bag around.” – Leslie

The Office

“Jim’s on his honeymoon, so I started using his office to fart in.” – Kevin

“R is among the most menacing of sounds. That’s why they call it murder and not mukduk.” – Dwight

30 Rock

“To TGS! We’ll trick those race-car-loving wide loads into watching your lefty, homoerotic propaganda hour yet!” – Jack

“I blame you and Dot Com; you two have built a protective shell around me like a hermit crab or mermaid booby, and now I’ve lost touch with the common man!” – Tracy to Grizz

“Has anybody seen my wallet? It’s an L.L. Bean child’s wallet from the 1970s. There was no money in it, but I was one hole-punch away from a free tasty delight…. Damn it to hell, I hate my life!” – Liz

“Hey dudes, I’m organizing a viral protest on Tweeter and Youtubes.” – Lenny Wozniak, undercover at the Page strike.

Greek

“Comic Conventions are crawling with hotties, everybody knows that.” – Dale

“Dale Kettlewell is in a relationship with God.” – Dale’s new profile relationship status

NCIS

“What is blue, black, and red?” – Ziva
“Zebra in a blender.” – Tony
“That’s black, white, and red all over.” – McGee
“Newspaper.” – Tony
“Penguin with a sunburn.” – McGee
“Nun falling down stairs.” – Tony

The Middle

“That’s why we taught you to walk.” – Mike’s response to Axl on what he’s to do if he doesn’t get his license for lack of practice

“Don’t do anything sexual; boys hate that.” – Mike to Sue, on attracting boys

Modern Family

“During my vows to my first husband, drug dealers burst in and assassinated the judge. This was way worse.” – Gloria, on “The Incident”

“I’m about to embark on a new journey.” – Dede
“Really?” – Mitchell
“His name is Chaz, and he’s asked me to come live with him in his foreign land.” – Dede
“Wow, where?” – Mitchell
“Canada. French Canada.” – Dede

“There’s a fish that swims around with babies in its mouth. That fish would look at Mitchell’s relationship with his mother and say, ‘that’s messed up.’” – Cameron

“The first time I saw Hailey, I knew I liked her. I mean, she’s beautiful and everything, but it’s not just that. She’s got this killer confidence, you know, the kind of confidence you get from having a family like this that’s passionate and accepting of hot foreigners, and gay dudes, and nutty people. You know, a family that actually loves each other.” – Dylan

How I Met Your Mother

“One thing. Really? You gave me one thing? Wow, so I guess that Gouda just walked itself right through that door, sliced itself up, and arranged itself in the perfect semi-circle around not three, not four, but five different kinds of sturdy, cheese-bearing crackers?” – Marshall
“You’re a sturdy, cheese-bearing cracker” – Lily

“Hey, remember that weird couple down the hall? With the ferrets? Maybe we can give them a call and see if they want to come over and play Taboo.” – Barney
“After midnight? No way, we can’t Tab-booty call them. That’s pathetic.” – Robin

Dancing With The Stars

“Your dancing is like the economy. Every week you are supposed to be getting better, but nothing happens.” – Bruno Tonioli, on Michael Irvin’s performance

Photo Credit: FOX

Quotation Marks – Special Weddings, Swimfan, and seminars

Ivey West — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 14:53:24 +0000

The week that NBC proved to everyone that they don’t care about hour long dramas anymore, they at least gave Jim/Pam ’shippers the moment they’d been waiting for, a very special Wedding on The Office. Matt Damon showed up on the Entourage finale, and got a good one in on Drama. And Glee proves that it is easily the most quotable show on television today.

The Office

“What are you doing?” — Oscar
“I’m trying to decide if I have time to pee.” — Kevin
“How long do you take to pee?” — Oscar
“The peeing is fast, Oscar. It’s getting my tie back on.” — Kevin

FlashForward

“I’m the CEO of the airline. All the executives are taking flights today, to prove to the customers that the skies are safe again.” — CEO
“How’s that working out for you?” — Zoey
“Gangbusters. Another scotch” — CEO

Psych

“Imagine Robert Goulet dressed like Mr. Bean playing the scarecrow in a summer stock production of The Wizard of Oz dedicated to Tony Randall.” — Stewart, the client, describing Lassiter

“Why are you reading that file like Mr. Peanut?” — Shawn to Lassiter, who was sporting a monocle

“This could be a matter of life and death… or mange.” — Shawn, trying to convince Jules to send some hair to the lab

Modern Family

“I’m all about taking it to the next level.” — Phil
“Really? Because I thought you were all about keeping it real.” — Claire
“Yeah, but you keep it real so you can take it to the next level, didn’t you know that?” — Phil

Glee

“I can’t get Rachel out of my head. She kind of creeps me out in that Swimfan sort of way, but she can really sing and her body’s smokin’. If you’re not into boobs.” — Finn

“Look at us. You pregnant and me with psoriasis and one testicle that won’t descend. I don’t know who to feel more sorry for.” — Ken Tanaka to Terri

“While the boys chose a selection of songs that casts an eye inward to reflect the hunger of today’s modern teens, we’ve chose a selection of songs that speaks to the nation as a whole during these troubling times of economic uncertainty and unbridled social roil, because if there are two things America needs right now, it is sunshine and optimism. And also, angels.” — Rachel

“Do yourself a favor, honey, and marry Ken Tanaka. Oh, sure, he’s dumb like sand, and his fondue pot of nationalities is going to open your kids up to a host of genetic diseases. But he’s kind, and he’s generous, and he’s available.” — Terri to Emma

Cougar Town

“You can’t use the same person for both things. One’s a gardener and the other’s an artist.” — Jules on waxing eyebrows and the bikini area

How I Met Your Mother

“Yes, totally. Only thing, I like my testicles attached to my body rather than rolling around next to some eyeliner in Robin’s purse.” — Barney to Ted, about changing to be a better boyfriend to Robin

“It’s funny, when you date someone it’s like you’re taking one long course on who this person is, and when you break up all that stuff becomes useless. It’s the emotional equivalent of an English degree.” — Ted

House

“I’d rather have a pinprick on my conscience than the death of her family members.” –Cuddy to Cameron about taking blood from one of Dibala’s coerced people.

“I need you to spread your legs so I can do an ‘H’.” – House to Cameron as he’s miming the diagnosis to Foreman

“I’d stand outside your window with a boombox all night but you told me you hate ’80s music.” –Foreman to Thirteen as he tries to make up with her

Entourage

“I’m out of the business.” — Drama
“Were you in the business?” — Matt Damon

“Yeah, he must have slipped out. But I can see the brochures opened up here on the table.” — Drama
“Put him on the fucking phone, John.” — Matt Dmaon
[Hands phone to Vince] “Sorry, he Jason Bourne-ed me.” — Drama

“I … I represent Jon & Kate Plus 8!” — Talent agent at Ari’s old (and now new) firm
*pow pow pow pow pow pow* — Ari’s paintball gun

Californication

“Have you taken the sexual harassment seminar yet?” — Felicia, after Hank says something offensive
“Yeah, I had Jill take it for me online. What? It’s like traffic school!” — Hank

“I may be easy, but I am not sleazy.” – Hank

Next Iron Chef

“I’m not even sure how to get at it. The thing’s like a weapon.” — Chef Farmerie on his secret ingredient, Durian.

Photo Credit: NBC

Quotation Marks – Van Halen, vampires, and vamps

Ivey West — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 15:52:41 +0000

Dollhouse

“The human mind is like Van Halen. If you just pull out one piece and keep replacing it, it just degenerates.” — Topher

Big Bang Theory

“I’m not crazy, my mother had me tested.” — Sheldon

“Just fine … ah dude, the fourth Harry Potter movie was just fine!” — Raj
–
“[fine is] a perfectly good word. You put in front of wine or dining and you’ve got something!” — Penny
“Let me ask you this: How was last night for you?” — Leonard
“It was … OK” — Penny
“OK?” — Leonard
“Its a perfectly good word … If you put in front of dokey and you’ve really got something!” — Penny

“Sex is never the way I dream it’s gonna be.” — Howard
“It’s because in your dreams you’re a horse from the waste down.” — Raj

Quotes from the Ether

“Yeeesh. Our numbers weren’t good last night… ” — @MoTancharoen

That’s the positive spin. The negative spin comes from TheHollywood Reporter’s James Hibberd.

“Dollhouse punches through rock bottom, finds Fox ratings netherworld” — @TheLiveFeed

“Take it slow,in the Dao. Easy skankin. good vibes into the ether. Tonight watch my balls burst into FLAMES SUNNY FX @ 10 PM est” — @Danny_Devito, with your weekly words of wisdom

Mercy

“OK, I’m just going to throw this out there … Do you think we might actually win sometimes if we didn’t drink during the game?” — Garcia [during a softball game]
“That is the dumbest thing you have ever said.” — Callahan

Cougar Toun

“You know, people can’t unhear the things you say.” – Grayson to Jules

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

“I like vampires I can be afraid of, not some douchebag with his hat on backwards.” — Craig Ferguson on the Twlight kids

Grey’s Anatomy

“Nice pin.” — Meredith
“His name is Mr. Bear. He eats children.” — Cristina

Vampire Diaries

“What’s so special about this Bella girl? …. I miss Anne Rice.” — Damon

Modern Family

“Am I attracted to her? Yes. Would I act on it? Absolutely not! As long as my wife was alive.” — Phil, on his feelings for a new neighbor

“My dad’s great with tools. He can get the wheels off a car in less than a minute.” – Manny

“In my culture, we take great pride in doing physical labor.” — Gloria
“I know, that’s why I hire people from your culture.” — Jay

“I know, tone down my natural gifts, dance like a straight guy.” — Cameron
“No slapping your own butt.” — Mitchell
“But that’s how I make my horsey go!” — Cameron

“We’re gonna drink some wine, eat some good food…. Y’know, we would do something like this a lot more often if it wasn’t for, y’know, Manny.” — Jay
“He’s good. He keep us grounded.” — Gloria
“Yeah … like fog at an airport.” — Jay

Glee

“You guys look like the world’s worst Benetton ad.” – April to Glee club

“I want you to be in the Glee club. We’ll get you sobered up … Buy you some underwear.” — Will

“Do I have to put my fingers in the holes? Couldn’t there be diseases in there or something?” — Rachel
“Aw, no, ball-sharing’s half the fun.” — Fin

“When I heard Sandy wanted to write himself into a scene as Queen Cleopatra I was aroused …And then furious.” — Coach Sylvester

Castle

“You know, if this one of those super sciency forensics shows, we’d stick some electrodes in this fish’s brains. Get a fish eye view of whatever they saw.” — Castle

How I Met Your Mother

“I once fantasized about that silhouette chick you see on a truck’s mudflaps. It took me less than a mile.” – Barney

Bones

“When did teenager’s start having sex?” — Cam, asking about her adopted daughter Michelle
“Hello!” — Angela
“If they could, they’d start in the morning and go ’till they dropped.” — Hodgins

Community

“Hey man. My name’s Jeff. I’m trying to lock down the rest of my schedule before the deadline. I heard this class was a cakewalk. Are you passing it?” — Jeff
“…” — Student
“Do you like Dane Cook?” — Jeff
“Yeah he’s awesome.” — Student
“So far so good.” — Jeff

“Choo!” — Troy
“Hey Troy sneezes like a girl!” — Jeff
“And how ’bout I pound you like a boy – that didn’t come out right.” — Troy

“I’ll have to make some adjustments to my film. Jeff, I think you should play the role of my father.” — Abed
“… I don’t want to be your father.” — Jeff
“That’s perfect, you already know your lines.” — Ahmed

The Mentalist

“Its not like we killed him, his neck was broken in the crash.” — Lisbon
“We got a confession.” — Jane
“Suppose you didn’t. Suppose you’d been wrong. Have you any idea of the vastness of the crapstorm that would follow?” — Minelli

Greek

“Old people having old people sex.” –Rebecca’s summation of Private Practice

“What’s with the pink bowtie?” — Rusty
“Oh, just feeling fancy today.” — Cappie

House

“Who’s the broad?” — House’s Asian cooking partner
“Missionary.” — House
“If she’s a missionary, why does she dress like a hooker?” — partner
“I meant the position.” — House

“Bed is for sissies. Unless you’re having sex, in which case… no, bed is still for sissies.” — House to Wilson, on staying up all night cooking obsessively

“How hard are you trying not to make a ball joke right now?” — Wilson
“They’re smoking.” — House
“…?” — Wilson
“Your balls.” — House
“Oh! No no no! They’re browning way too fast.” — Wilson
“Blue’s the color you have to watch out for.” — House
“Enough! They’re still raw inside. By the time they cook through the outside will be burnt.” — Wilson
“I think there’s a medicated powder for that.” — House

“House, you’ve got no reason to …” — Cuddy [with Wilson, accusing House of still using]
“Et tu, bootay?” — House

the Simpsons

“Sufferin Steve Ditko!” — Comic Book Guy

“So, do you want to see me naked” — Homer
“There’s no nudity in this movie” — Hollywood Executive
“What movie?” — Homer

Supernatural

“Hoard toilet paper. Hoard it like it’s made of gold.” — Future Chuck’s investment advice for Present Dean

“Rhonda Hurley. She made us try on her panties. They were pink … and satiny … and we kind of liked it.” — Present Dean convincing Future Dean that he’s from the past

Photo Credit: FOX

Quotation Marks – The West Wing edition

Ivey West — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 13:00:33 +0000

The writing was always an incredibly important part to the success of the show. Aaron Sorkin, all things being equal, is probably the best dialogue writer on television. Ever (Yes, I said ever). When he left after season four, it took some time for the show to find its voice again, but I contend that it did with style. These quotes are a sampling of the brilliance that I’m talking about. Bare with me: some of these exchanges are long, but trust me when I say that they are worth your time:

Season One

“About a week ago I accidentally slept with a prostitute.” — Sam
“Really?” — Toby
“Yes.” — Sam
“You accidentally slept with a prostitute.” — Toby
“Call girl.” — Sam
“Accidentally.” — Toby
“Yes.” — Sam
“I don’t understand. Did you trip over something?” — Toby

“There’s no Democrat running against me.” — Katzenmoyer
“Sure there is.” — Josh
“Who?” — Katzenmoyer
“Whomever we pick.” — Josh
“You’re bluffing.”– Katzenmoyer
“Okay.” — Josh
“I’m in your own party!”– Katzenmoyer
“Doesn’t seem to be doing us much good now, does it?”– Josh
“Against an incumbent Democrat. You’ll go to the press and endorse a challenger?”– Katzenmoyer
“No sir. We’re going to do it in person. See, you won with fifty-two percent, but the President took your district with fifty-nine. And I think it’s high time we come back and say thanks. Do you have any idea how much noise Air Force One makes when it lands in Eau Claire, Wisconsin? We’re going to have a party, Congressman. You should come, it’s gonna be great. And when the watermelon’s done, right in town square, right in the band gazebo… You guys got a band gazebo?”
“Josh…”– Katzenmoyer
“Doesn’t matter, we’ll build one. Right in the band gazebo, that’s where the President is going to drape his arm around the shoulder of some assistant DA we like. And you should have your camera with you. You should get a picture of that. ‘Cause that’s gonna be the moment you’re finished in Democratic politics. President Bartlet’s a good man. He’s got a good heart. He doesn’t hold a grudge. That’s what he pays me for.” — Josh

Season Two

“Do you have any medical conditions?” — Nurse
“Well, I’ve been shot.” — Bartlet

“They say a good man can’t get elected president. I don’t believe that. Do you?” — Leo
“And you think I’m that man?” — Bartlet
“Yes.” — Leo
“Doesn’t it matter that I’m not as sure?” — Bartlet
“Nah. ‘Act as if ye have faith and faith shall be given to you.’ Put another way: ‘Fake it until you make it.’” — Leo

” [to Josh] This guy’s walking down a street, when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep, he can’t get out. A doctor passes by and the guy shouts up, “Hey you! Can you help me out?” The doctor writes him a prescription, throws it down the hole and moves on. Then a priest comes along and the guy shouts up, “Father, I’m down in this hole, can you help me out?” The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a friend walks by. “Hey Joe, it’s me, can you help me out?” And the friend jumps in the hole! Our guy says, “Are you stupid? Now we’re both down here!” and the friend says, “Yeah, but I’ve been down here before, and I know the way out.” As long as I got a job, you got a job, you understand me?” — Leo (my all time favorite bit/story from The West Wing)

“They have bathrobes at the gym?” — Sam
“In the women’s locker room.” — CJ
“But not the men’s.” — Sam
“Yeah.” — CJ
“Now, that’s outrageous. There’s a thousand men working here and fifty women…” — Sam
“Yeah, and it’s the bathrobes that’s outrageous.” — CJ

“Come quick. Sam’s getting his ass kicked by a girl!” — Josh, on seeing Sam debate Ainsley Hayes on TV
“Ginger, bring the popcorn.” — Toby

“I flat-out guarantee you that if men were biologically responsible for procreation, there’d be paid family leave in every Fortune 500.” — Sam
“Sam, if men were biologically responsible for procreation, they’d fall down and die at the first sonogram.” — Ainsley

“What could possibly be your problem with the ERA?” — Sam
“It’s humiliating! A new amendment stating that I’m equal under the law to a man? I’m mortified to discover that I wasn’t before. I am a citizen of this country, not a special subset. I don’t need my rights handed down to me by a bunch of old, white men. The same Article 14 that protects you, protects me and I went to law school just to make sure. And with that, I’m going back down to the mess, because I think I may have seen there a peach.” — Ainsley
“[to Ed and Larry]: I would have countered that, but I already moved on to other things in my head.” — Sam (The Sam/Ainsley back and forth were some of my favorites)

Season Three

“What do you call a society that has to just live every day with the idea that the pizza place you are eating in could just blow up without any warning?” — Student
“Israel.” — Sam

“I am writing.” — Toby
“I don’t see paper.” — Charlie
“‘We can sit back and admit with great sensitivity that life isn’t fair… and the less-advantaged are destined to their lot in life… and the problems of those on the other side of the world should stay there… and our leaders are cynical and can never be an instrument of change… but that, my friends, is not worthy of you; it’s not worthy of a President; it’s not worthy of a great nation; it’s not worthy of America.’ Paper’s for wimps.” — Toby

“Why are you a Republican?” — Donna
“Because I hate poor people. I hate them, Donna. They’re all so poor, and many of ‘em talk funny, and don’t have proper table manners… my father slaved away at the Fortune 500 company he inherited so that I could go to Choate, Brown and Harvard and see that this country isn’t overrun by poor people and lesbians. No… I’m Republican because I believe in smaller government. This country was founded on the principle of freedom, and freedom stands opposed to constraints, and the bigger the government, the more the constraints.” — Cliff (proving that Sorkin could write conservatives fairly well, too)

Photo Credit: NBC

Quotation Marks – Singles, Snipers, and Zimas

Ivey West — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 17:31:59 +0000

We’re in the midst of it all now. This week the Emmy’s (un)officially kicked off the new fall season with an outstanding performance by host Neil Patrick Harris, Glee turned in a killer episode, and we saw the first cancellation of the season. One more week and most of the new fall shows will have premiered, and this post will be exploding with quotey-goodness.

Quotes from the Ether

“If you’re having trouble with somebody on the set, learn how to tell them to go to hell in such a way they’ll want to go.” – Emmy nominated director Rod Holcomb (ER), on how to handle troubles on the set

“After Miss Guided, Opportunity Knocks, Gameshow In My Head, and True Beauty, I thought someone taking another shot on one of his shows was him getting a break. Apparently, when Ashton grows up he wants to be Tim Minear.” – Clacker Brett Love, on the cancellation of The Beautiful Life

“That’s right, sofa-monkeys, no more corporate entertainment. No more self-congratulatory awards shows with athletic, yet luminous, hosts….” – Dr. Horrible at the Emmys, on amazingly similarly looking host Neil Patrick Harris

Castle

“Beckett, how come you don’t wear a uniform like that?” – Esposito
“Because I don’t want to get paid in singles.” – Beckett

“I don’t think she’s gonna make it. She’s got that “Scanners” look, you know, right before her head’s about to explode.” – Compton about Beckett, as she’s being interviewed about Castle

“Somebody hated his guts.” – Castle, on the victim who was de-organed

“Is it just my imagination, or did you change?” – Castle to Beckett, when she got a little sleezy for the Russian club

NCIS

“You remember when I said my boss was a sniper?” – Tony, reminding us that the whole NCIS team wasn’t in the room

Cougar Town

“Hey, you want to stay in, hang out on the couch, maybe watch a movie?” – Jules
“Are you hitting on me?” – Travis

“This wine’s for Ellie. She’s been looking so hot lately, I thought I’d get her drunk and try to hit that.” – Jules
“Lesbian mom jokes … awesome.” – Travis

“Home by midnight, and if I ever catch you two drinking and driving, I’m going to show everyone that baby picture of you two holding each others’ penises … so small.” – Jules
“You know, Ryan’s mom just says goodbye.” – Travis

Modern Family

“If Haley never wakes up on a beach in Florida half naked, I’ve done my job.” – Claire
“Our job.” – Phil
“Right. I’ve done our job.” – Claire

“May I take your multi-colored coat and bejeweled cap?” – Mitchell to Jay

“Lily? Isn’t that going to be hard for her to say?” – Phil

“Let me see the little potsticker.” – Jay, about meeting his adopted Vietnamese granddaughter

Psych

“[Computers] are just another passing fad, like rap music, Madonna, and LA Law.” – Henry

“What grown man doesn’t own a black suit?” – Gus
“Besides me? The Joker, Colonel Sanders, Matthew McConaughey.…” – Shawn
“McConaughey doesn’t count; he doesn’t own a shirt.” – Gus

“Man, I wish I could have known you when you were black….” – Shawn to Gus

“So they can, or cannot, lift the parental lock off my laptop?” – Shawn
“That was me Shawn; trust me, it was for your own good.” – Gus

Bones

“Shouldn’t we be honest with each other?” – Brennan
“We’re honest! I mean, aren’t you? I mean, I am.” – Booth
“So you have no problem with me making so much more money than you.” – Brennan
“No. [Brennan makes a face] Well, yeah, but it’s — it’s a little weird. I mean, you’re loaded. You’re really loaded, and you still don’t even have a flat screen. That’s just kind of weird, to be honest. It’s a little French, if you ask me.” – Booth

“We weren’t supposed to date! I guess it’s not like the FBI. We’re not allowed to sleep with someone we’re working with.” – Mandy
“Is she talking about us?” – Brennan
“We’re not.” – Booth
“No!” – Brennan
“Oh, it’s okay. I’m CIA. My lips are sealed.” – Mandy

Community

“We could have a candlelight vigil like lesbians have on the news!” – Annie

“My knowledge will bite your face off!” – Senor Chang

“The woman I kind of like is out there in the moonlight caring about something stupid. And this is my chance to show her that I care enough about her to act like I care about it, too.” – Jeff

“Did you guys know there’s an ethnic cleansing in Burma?” – Annie
“We’d better bust out that brownie mix.” – Shirley

Glee

“No … No … No. Giving birth is not like how it is in the movies. It is bloody, and bestial, and you get poop all over your cowboy boots.” – Kendra

“You know, caning has fallen out of favor in the United States. But ask anyone that’s safely walked the immaculate sidewalks of Singapore, after winning an international cheerleading competition, and they’ll tell you one thing: Caning works!” – Coach Sylvester

“The more times she [Rachel] storms out of rehearsal, the less impact it has.” – Artie

“Hey, ankle grabber! I had sex with your mother. No, seriously … I cleaned your pool, and then I had sex with her in your bed. Nice Star Wars sheets.” – Puck

Parks and Recreation

“You know my code. Hos before bros. Uteruses before duderuses. Ovaries before brovaries.” – Leslie

Photo Credit: ABC

Quotations Marks – Bones, Devito, and Dick Cheney

Ivey West — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 20:00:40 +0000

The fall season is not yet in full effect, but I could barely tell that from the way my mailbox blew up this week with tons of quotes. With so much fresh content, and so many great quotes, we’re back to limiting the amount of quotes per show … but that means we’d like to hear more from you about which quotes you liked this week.

Bones

“Well, they gave me medication. So, I imagine I feel how people of average intelligence feel all the time.” — Bones, asked how she’s feeling while on pain medication

“And that ladies… that is why they call me king of the lab.” — Hodgins
“Nobody does that but you.” — Angela

Quotes from the Ether

“Not at the show? Watch it tonight on FX. At 10:00! Balls heating up big time!!!” @Danny_Devito being … uh … Danny Devito

“The singalong audience is families and gay guys dressed up as nuns. My idea of heaven. Christian right’s idea of Sodom and Gomorrah.” — @TheAmyBrenneman talking about going to a Sound of Music singalong showing

“good morn…I’M SORRY BUT BEYONCE HAD THE BEST VIDEO OF ALL TIME. THE BEST VIDEO OF ALL TIME.” — @psychwrites (the Psych writer’s feed) … I guess they were interrupted trying to say Good Morning :)

“Web-surfing on my iphone [sic] and just noticed the talented (and extremely handsome) Nathan Fillion won an Emmy. Congrats!” — @WriteRCastle … The twitter feed of Richard Castle from Castle (and not the least bit humble)

Glee

“I’m going to ask you to smell your armpits. That’s the smell of failure, and it’s stinking up my office. I’m revoking your tanning privileges for the entire semester.” — Coach Sylvester

“If I don’t get some sleep, I could miscarry.” — Terri

“My life is a disaster with no creative outlet, other than writing my Desperate Housewives fanfiction.” — Sandy

Greek

“You’re like Dick Cheney, and she’s a quail.” — Rebecca to Rusty, about his chances of killing Jordan

“We haven’t had a debate this lively since, ‘What’s the difference between a chipmunk and a squirrel?’.” — Cappie to Heath, on whether Rusty should have chosen to kill, or have sex with, Jordan

Mad Men

“It’s better to have a bit of Don Draper than no Don Draper at all.” — Lane, on Don being late to a meeting
“I’d like that in writing.” — Don

“Let me put it in account terms. Are you aware of how many hand jobs I’m going to have to give?” — Roger, to Pete on his screwing up an account

Top Chef

“It’s terrible. It tastes like I just sucked on a piece of chlorine.” — Chef Tim Love, who was not a fan of Robin’s offering

Parks and Recreation

“Derek is gay, but he’s straight for me, but he’s gay for Ben, and Ben’s really gay for Derek … and I hate Ben.” — April, describing her relationship with her boyfriend Derek and Derek’s boyfriend Ben.

The Office

“People tell me things. I guess I have a face you can trust. Must be my low cheekbones.” — Dwight

“The point is to get from point A to point B as creatively as possible. So technically, they are doing parkours, as long as point A is delusion and point B is the hospital.” — Jim

“I hate, hate, hate being left out. Whether it’s not being picked for a team, or being picked for a team and showing up and the team doesn’t exist… or the sport doesn’t exist.” — Michael

“Did you pee on a stick?” — Micheal
“I did, but it was inconclusive.” — Jim

Psych

“Besides, it’s not that impressive. I solve a case every week … and usually one right around Christmas.” — Shawn

“Indian giver!” — Shawn
[Music stops. Everyone stares]
“Oh! Nononono … I meant to insult an entirely different group of Indians.” — Shawn

Shawn: “I’m sorry, was the chicken seasoned with molten lava?”
…
Shawn: “Dude, I can’t see out of my left eye!”
Gus: “I see dead people!”
Shawn: “Oh God, the water’s spicy!”
Gus: “Who does that?”

Monk

“I think we’re supposed to share the armrests.” — Natalie
“What are we, in Russia?” — Monk

Photo Credit: FOX

Quotation Marks – Devito’s got quirk, Glee’s got luftballons, and Psych’s Shawn’s got bananas

Ivey West — Sun, 13 Sep 2009 16:00:49 +0000

Pulling quotes from our favorite TV shows is one of my favorite things to do (true story), but why limit our quotes to just the shows, when celebrities — and some of CliqueClack’s greatest — say some of the darnedest things? So, from time to time, we figured we’d share some of those funny lines.

Quotes from the Ether

“A chil[sic] day. Reflection.Shower No shave. Sneak in an episode of “Deadwood!” Ian McShane … What the F! Holy shitballs the M F C S is great!” – @Danny_Devito — who shared with us the above … er … picture. (via Twitter)

“Now I’m not just a good pooper, but an optimum one.” — David Duchovny, in his new Pedigree commercial

“sorority row opens today! bring on the blood the boobs and the comedy!!!” – @IMKristenBell — speaking directly to Brett’s heart. (via Twitter)

Glee

“Iron tablet? It keeps your strength up while you’re menstruating.” — Coach Sylvester
“…I don’t menstruate” — Mr. Schuester
“Yeah? Neither do I.” — Coach Sylvester

“Ok, let’s compromise. If you quit the club, I’ll let you touch my breasts” – Quinn
“Under the shirt?” — Finn
“Over the bra.” — Quinn

“Did you just throw up?” — Miss Pillsbury
“No…. ” — Rachel
“You missed the toilet.” — Miss Pillsbury

“…Now remember, if the balloon pops, the noise makes the angels cry.” — Quinn

“What’s a luftballon?” – Rachel

“That was the most offensive thing I’ve seen in twenty years of teaching. And that includes an elementary school production of Hair.” — Coach Sylvester

Leverage

“You do not let Vicki Vale into the Batcave; ever.” — Hardison, on attorney Tara Carlisle tagging along with the team

Psych

“The most important thing about playing second base is the foot work. Ready?” — Henry
“I was born ready, dad!” — Shawn
“Actually you were born breach, son; it took hours to get you out. But I appreciate the enthusiasm.” — Henry

“Gus, may I ask you something? What was the very first thing you did after the shooting?” — Henry
“I called my folks to tell them I was okay.” — Gus
“And what was the first thing he [Shawn] did?” — Henry
“He ate a banana.” — Gus

“Jules, it’s not important that it was me that saved Lassie’s life, or that I was right, or that he should have listened to me from the start because I was right. The important thing is that [Lassie is] unharmed, and it was because of me because I was right.” — Shawn

“No, I don’t lose it, I place it somewhere that later eludes me.” — Shawn
“That’s the same thing as losing it, Shawn.”‘ — Gus
“Maybe to those of us without the nuance chromosome.” — Shawn

So You Think You Can Dance

“It felt a little off-off-Broadway.” — Nigel, critiquing one of the less successful auditions
“Like, in Cleveland off-Broadway.” — Adam

Project Runway

“I’m just obsessed about boobs. That’s my thing.” — Heidi Klum (or Brett … who knows?)

Supernatural

“I need you to get a message to Sam and Dean. OK?” — Carver
“Look Mr. Edlund, yes I’m a fan, but I don’t appreciate being mocked. I know that ‘Supernatural’ is just a book, OK? I know the difference between fantasy and reality.” — Becky
“Becky, it’s all real.” — Carver
“I KNEW IT!” — Becky

Greek

“It was magical … ly disgusting. She made noises like a banshee; it was like a farm animal in late-stage labor. Leaving me feeling as soiled as a veterinarian’s glove.” — Dale, telling Cappie about his night of passion with Sheila
“Are you sure that you did it right?” — Cappie

“Anyone else turned on right now? What? … Those aren’t my daughters.” — One of the random ZBZ dads to a tableful of them, as the singing ladies of ZBZ fought onstage

“Are you saying that Jack is just as scared of me as I am of him?” — Rusty to his dad, after injuring Jordan’s father in the football game
“Well, you did almost paralyze him, son.” — Russell Cartwright

Mad Men

“During the depression I saw somebody throw a loaf of bread off a truck. It was more dignified.” — Don, on the firm signing up a crazy client

“Don, look at this. Victory medal, France. I should have another for beating the clap.” — Gene, showing off his medal

“Well, I’m fun, and I like to have … fun,” — Peggy, talking to a new potential roommate

Selections from the Virgin Diaries

House, M.D.

“I have a question, and I need to go to the bathroom.” – Ian
“Which would you like to do first?” — Mrs. Walsh
“The question.” — Ian
“Okay.” — Mrs. Walsh
“Where’s the bathroom?” — Ian

“I have The Plague?” — Patient
“Don’t worry, its treatable. Being a bitch, though … nothing we can do about that.” — Dr. House

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

“It’s just that in high school, knowledge was pretty much frowned upon; you really had to work to learn anything. But here … the energy, the collective intelligence, it’s like this force. This penetrating force … and I can just feel my mind opening up, you know, and letting this place just thrust into and spurt knowledge into…. [pauses] That sentence ended up in a different place than it started out in.” — Willow

Angel

“So, um, are you still … ‘Grrr’?” — Cordelia
“Yeah. There’s not actually a cure for that.” — Angel

“Oh, God, I’m sorry! I’m getting all weepy in front of you. I probably look really scary. I finally get invited to a nice place … with no mirrors, and … lots of curtains…. Hey! You’re a vampire!” — Cordelia
“What? No, I’m not.” — Russell Winters
“Are too!” — Cordelia

“So what are you looking for?” — Angel
“Me? I guess it depends on how many daiquiris I’ve had. Wow, way to come off as a drunken slut.” — Kate

Photo Credit: http://twitter.com/danny_devito

Quotation Marks – Butt cheeks, Buffy’s Graduation, and a yunkie

Ivey West — Mon, 07 Sep 2009 14:00:42 +0000

Summer is coming to a close, which means two things. Many of the brilliant summer shows that cable gave us this year are over or close to, and its time for the fall premiers. Two of my favorite Virgin Diaries posts also found some closure, as Buffy finished high school, and Veronica just finished.

Defying Gravity

“Do you guys ever get, like really bad cramping when you clench your butt checks together like that?” — Wass

Greek

“He was a nerd but he was hot … it was just so confusing.” — Random ZBZ sister to Casey, about Max

“I had to fake a nosebleed to get out of there.” — Dale to Calvin, on how he supposedly escaped from Sheila at the party

Weeds

“Where do you get your intel?” — Silas, after Shane played six degrees of celebrity venereal diseases with him
“I make it up.” — Shane

“Adelita’s a junkie.” — Nancy
“I think with the accent it’s ‘yunkie’.” — Andy

Selections from the Virgin Diaries

Veronica Mars

“Hello, Stosh. What do you say we head out, have a few beers?” — Keith
“That’s one of those trick questions, isn’t it?” — Piz
“I got some new IDs for you. Wallace.” — Keith
“This picture is Jon Bon Jovi.” — Piz
“Yes. It is.” — Keith
“Biggie Smalls? We don’t really all look alike, Mr. Mars.” — Wallace
“I know that, Wallace. Now, let’s go out and get our drink on.” — Keith

“Tell your roommate I came by hoping to kill time between classes getting to second base with someone, and then left unsatisfied.” — Veronica
“He’s a good guy, Veronica. Try not to rip out his heart.” — Wallace

“I’m looking for detective Mars.” — Kizza
“I’m detective Mars.” — Veronica
“But you’re just a girl. You’re a teenager.” — Kizza
“A girl, a teenager, and a private detective – I’m a triple threat. Barely fits on my business card.” — Veronica

“I just hope Piz isn’t planning on moping his way through the remainder of freshman year. It’s not like I’m taking an internship at a Mister Softee in Wachoota. It’s the FBI. The F. B. I.” — Veronica
“At the very least, Piz should think it’s hot.” — Mac
“Actually, he does think it’s pretty hot. He’d just think it was hotter if I were doing it in Neptune.” — Veronica
“He wants to date you and be near you? Greedy little bugger.” — Mac
“And if he didn’t care, I’d probably be complaining about that … to my girlfriend … while waiting to pay for frozen yogurt. I’m a girl!” — Veronica

“I think I read in Teen People that a clean leg shave will make that special boy sit up and take notice.” — Veronica
“I read in FHM that boys like bare breasts.” — Mac
“Interesting. I did not know that. Bare breasts, you say? Hmmm….” — Veronica

House

“I assume you’ve been in love?” — Henry
“Is that the one that makes your pants feel funny?” — House

“You blow dry your hair?” — House
“Oh sorry, did I wake you up?” — Wilson
“You blow dry your hair?” — House
“Excuse me for actually caring what I look like.” — Wilson
“I think the word you’re looking for is obsessing!” — House

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

“Looks like a job for Wiccan girl. What do you say, Will? Big-time danger.” — Buffy
“Hey, I eat danger for breakfast.” — Willow
“But oddly enough, she panics in the face of breakfast foods.” — Xander

“Look, I know you find me attractive. I’ve seen you looking at my breasts.” — Anya
“Nothing personal, but when a guy does that it just means his eyes are open.” — Xander
“Whatever. Look, do you wanna go with me or not?” — Xander [Xander's eyes lower for a second, then flick back up to Anya's face.]

“I’m going to miss her.” — Willow, about Harmony
“Don’t you hate her?” — Buffy
“Yes, with a fiery vengeance. She picked on me for ten years. Vacuous tramp…. It’s like a sickness, Buffy. I’m missing everything. I miss P.E.!” — Willow

“Guys. Take a moment to deal with this. We survived.” — Oz
“It was a hell of a battle.” — Buffy
“Not the battle. High School.” — Oz

Photo Credit: ABC

Quotation Marks – Exorcisms, Ann Margret, and … a Gilmore Girl?

Ivey West — Sun, 30 Aug 2009 20:30:06 +0000

Was it just me, or did this week seem a little off? Despite being funny, Psych put me to sleep (literally, not figuratively) with its not-so-interesting plot. Leverage was hilarious, but didn’t offer nearly as many good one-liners as it normally does. And depressingly, Bob’s Veronica Mars Virgin Diary is quickly coming to a close (which, I’ve got to warn you, means more Buffy quotes for everyone — I love shows that bring the wit). Alas, however, the Fall Season quickly approaches.

Psych

“Question: Where are all of the girls in the Catholic school-girl uniforms, Gus?!” — Shawn
“There’s one right over there.” — Gus
“No, that is a male bagpiper.” — Shawn

“Was she a fan of the game Grand Theft Auto? I know when I play it I become raving mad, foaming at the mouth.” — Shawn
“I had to taser him once.” — Gus
“Which I still feel was excessive.” — Shawn

“Carson D has Simon Baker on tonight. That’s can’t miss, OK, so I’m going to go. You guys keep exercising during the exorcism.” — Shawn

“Do you think she has PTSD?” — Lucy’s Mother
“I’m afraid this is more serious than a menstrual disorder.” — Shawn

“Oh, let me guess … relationship trouble.” — Henry
“Yeah, I hate it when we fight.” — Shawn
“I’m sure she feels the same way.” — Henry
“I’m not talking about Abigail, I’m talking about Gus.” — Shawn
“So was I.” — Henry

Mad Men

“Let’s assume we can get a girl to match Ann-Margret’s ability to be 25 and act 14.” — Peggy, on an ad to match the opening of Bye Bye Birdie

Leverage

“Katherine and I have known each other forever. Almost two years.” — Parker, at Sophie’s fake funeral

“Stop it….” — Sophie
“It’s like you’re haunting us.” — Parker
“Parker, I’m not really dead. I’m not dead!” — Sophie

True Blood

“Jesus and I agreed to see other people, but that doesn’t mean we don’t still talk from time to time.” — Lafayette

“If only Miss Jeanette was still alive.” — Lettie Mae
“She don’t need no backwoods witch. She needs Thorazine and a padded cell.” — Lafayette

“Lord, smite me … Lord, smite me … LORD, SMITE ME!!” — Sam

“You’ve been real good to this town, even if you are a sometime nudist.” — Andy

Selections from the Virgin Diaries

Battlestar Galactica

“There’s this one song that he taught me, it made me feel happy and sad all at the same time.” — Starbuck
“The best ones do.” — Slick

Veronica Mars

“Who wants out of jail?” — Cliff
“I do! I do!” — Veronica (A bit that works better with Kristen Bell’s funny voice)

“Honey … why is there a pistol in the freezer?” — Keith
“Because there’s this guy, see?… And I want to put him on ice. Because revenge is a dish best served cold. Because I want to commit murder in the 28th degree?” — Veronica
“Stop.” — Keith

“What?” — Wallace, after worrying about Veronica seeing Parker and Logan together
“I’m just trying to figure out which Gilmore Girl you are.” — Veronica

House, M.D.

“Why’d you put me in charge of the department if you think I can’t handle it?” — Foreman
“Because it’s temporary, and because I was ordered to.” — Cuddy

“Do you know your phone is dead? Do you ever recharge the batteries?” — Wilson
“They recharge? I just keep buying new phones.” — House

“What does House say?” — Cameron
“The person you are trying to reach is out of the area or has turned off their phone.” — Foreman

“Cat fight and cataplexy on the cat walk. Cool!” — House

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

“My. She’s cheeky, isn’t she? — Wesley, about Cordelia
“Uh, first word: jail; second word: bait.” — Faith

“And you say this demon wanted cash? That’s very unusual.” — Wesley
“Demons after money. Whatever happened to the still beating heart of a virgin? No one has any standards anymore.” — Giles

“I know this. It’s down by the bus station. Not the nicest part of town.” — Buffy
“Again. See, no standards. I mean, any self-respecting demon should be living in a pit of filth or a nice crypt.” — Giles

Photo Credit: USA Network

Quotation Marks – Brett really DOES watch Project Runway

Ivey West — Sun, 23 Aug 2009 18:00:04 +0000

Project Runway: All-Star Challenge

[You'll have to work with me on this one, but it's easily the quote of the week]

“When I see boobs going all over the place I get dizzy.” — Heidi [not liking that one of the models, who was wearing a really tight t-shirt, wasn't wearing a bra]
“Me too!” — our very own Brett Love watching at home

Mad Men

[Peggy and her secretary Lola, on the new British man in the office]
“He just always stops by concerning the strangest things. Yesterday it was my engagement ring.” — Lola
“Enough, Lola.” — Peggy
“You know there’s something about the way he talks. I could listen to him read the phone book.” — Lola
“Well, when he gets to ‘S’, I need Howard Sullivan at Lever Brothers.” — Peggy

“I’ve flown a few times, but I’ve never actually seen a stewardess that game.” – Sal [on the flirty flight attendant]
“Really?” – Don [he's a pimp]

“It’s like that show Mad Men, but it’s even better!” — actor Vincent Kartheiser [describing the new season]

Entourage

“What are you doing buddy?” — Ari
“I’m waking you up with my mind.” — Ari’s Son
“Good work! What time is it?” — Ari
“It’s late.” — Ari’s Son
[looking at watch] “Oh shhioooot!” — Ari
“Daddy, you almost said ’shit!” — Ari’s Son

Psych

“I’m sure you’ve heard about what I do, and how cool it is. You’ve seen my hair, which means you’re doubly impressed. But lets not get wrapped up in gushy compliments, I get a little self conscious.” –Shawn

“If this turns into Blazing Saddles, I’m out of here.” — Gus

[Gus Trips]
“Gus…”
“Watch your feet” — Gus
“Watch my feet, I’m leading the way.” — Shawn
Your stride is too long, Shawn.” — Gus
“It’s your ridiculous gait, that’s the problem.” — Shawn
“No, your shoes are too large.” — Gus

“How about I wear the spurs?” — Gus
“How about the Sheriff wears the spurs?” — Shawn
“How about you kiss my blacksmith ass?” — Gus

“Look, Hank, we can fix the buildings … We’ll get some nails.” — Shawn
” .. And Febreze.” — Gus

“Well, Shawn, sometimes people you think are innocent turn out to be guilty and vice-versa. The important thing is, how are you going to help me get Hank’s blood out of my couch?” — Henry

“The only thing I don’t understand is, why would a ghost be mining for gold?” — Shawn

And, selections from the Virgin Diaries

Firefly

“Big stop just to renew your license to Companion. Can I use “Companion” as a verb?” — Wash

“What about cortical electrodes?” — Simon
“Oh! [long pause] We forget ‘em.” — Jayne
“Let’s try that again.” — Simon

“I’ll be in my bunk.” — Jayne [when Inara ... well ... just watch the damn DVDs :)]

“This should do.” — Book
“Preacher, don’t the Bible have some pretty specific things to say about killing?” — Zoe
“Quite specific. It is, however, somewhat fuzzier on the subject of kneecaps.” — Book

Veronica Mars

“This is a bad idea.” — Veronica
“No, it’s not.” — Keith
“You only think it’s not because you came up with it.” — Veronica
“Ergo, how could it be bad? Math, sweetie. Me + idea = good.” — Keith

“When entering a frat house full of accused rapists, the pant suit is a solid wardrobe choice. It’s fashion’s way of saying, “Move along. Nothing to see here.” — Veronica [in voiceover]

“So what would Stan Marsh say in a situation like this? I think we all learned a valuable lesson about faith. You give it to the people you love. But the people who really deserve it are the ones who come through, even when you don’t love them enough.” — Veronica [in voiceover]

“So, not only did Chip get Kojak’d, someone put a Roman numeral on one of those little plastic Easter eggs, and stuck it in his… where-the-sun-don’t-shine place. And you know where that is.” — Dick
“Worst. Easter Egg Hunt. Ever.” — Veronica

“I’m fine. Seriously. I just told the two of you because I thought you should know. I’m not looking for a pity party.” — Veronica
“That’s good, ’cause I always get stuck blowing up the pity balloons.” — Wallace

Battlestar Galactica

“You swore an oath when you put that uniform on. You pledged to defend this ship and her crew.” — Adama
“You swore the same allegiance! What happened to your oath? For seven years, I have done my frakking job and for what? [motions to Tigh] To take orders from a Cylon? To let machines network our ship? No, you… you are not the leader you were when we started. You’re just a sad old man who has let his heart and his affection for a Cylon cloud his judgment.” — Gaeta
“I want you all to understand this! If you do this, there will be no forgiveness. No amnesty. This boy died honoring his uniform. You, you’ll die with nothing.” — Adama

“The Admiral is charged with treason, desertion, giving aid and comfort to the enemy, and gross dereliction of duty. The punishment for these crimes is death by firing squad.” — Zarek
“Well, I’m not a very good shot.” — Romo Lampkin

Photo Credit: Lifetime

Quotations Marks – Psych is back. Back again. Psych is back. Tell your friends.

Ivey West — Sun, 16 Aug 2009 16:00:54 +0000

How can you not be stoked that USA’s Psych is back? I was so excited, I completely forgot one of the most quotable shows on television last week! Just because I love you guys, I mixed in last week’s quotes in with this.

What were your favorite quotes this week? Mine was from our very own Bob Degon, announcing some suspect news to the CliqueClack team:

“They’re remaking BSG… again… Oy.”

Psych

“Note to self: be rich one day.” — Shawn

“He’s allergic to rich, white people.” — Shawn, addressing Gus’ coughing to family of wealthy murder victim

“I hope you have a plan of how we’re gonna find this crashed plane. And I hope that plan doesn’t end up having us being eaten by a bear.” — Gus
“Don’t worry Gus. I have a secret weapon” — Shawn
“A larger bear-eating bear?” — Gus

“Here’s the thing, Robert: I am a psychic.” — Shawn
“We work for the Santa Barbara Police Department. We’ve solved over forty-seven cases. I’m also a pharmaceutical rep, if that means anything to you.” — Gus
“You’ve seen The Mentalist, right?” — Shawn
“Yes.” — Robert
“It’s like that.” — Shawn
“Except that guy’s a fake.” — Gus
“Right. If I were a fake psychic, it would be eerily similar.” — Shawn
“Exactly the same.” — Gus
“A virtual carbon copy.” — Shawn

“You guys believe in Karma, don’t you?” — Victim’s Daughter
“Yes we do, but only because we are Karma Chameleons.” — Shawn
“We come and go.” — Gus

“He then confessed to me that his billion-dollar hedge fund was a giant ponzi scheme.” — Burned investor
“Stop right there. I simply refuse to believe that Henry Winkler had anything to do with this.” — Shawn

Weeds

“Drop the pants; dunk the dean nuts.” — Doug to Dean, getting back at him for slamming his dick in a desk drawer last week

“I was gonna be a drug kingpin! I was gonna be Tony Montana! I got nothin’.” — Dean to Doug

“Stealing drugs from a drug lord. Bold. Hot.” — Andy to Audra, upon finding her stealing medical supplies from Esteban

“Doctor Teeth.” — Andy, claiming that he does indeed know some jazz musicians
“He’s a Muppet.” — Audra
“He’s a JAZZ Muppet.” — Andy

True Blood

“Spill no blood on your way out.” — Godric basically confirming we’ve (or at the least, most certainly I) got no clue what’s going on

“I gave you everything for a lie. You’re worse than Judas.” — Sarah
“Why, what did he do to you?” — Jason

“He’s your maker, isn’t he?” — Sookie
“Don’t use words you don’t understand.” — Eric
“You have a lot of love for him.” — Sookie
“Don’t use words I don’t understand.” — Eric

“I don’t know what you heard, but those were screams of pleasure!” — Hoyt

“I reckon I’ve already been to heaven … inside your wife!” — Jason

“I’m actually older than your Jesus. I wish I could have known him, but I missed it.” — Godric

“They say I sodomized a pine tree. Must be true … My pecker’s got all kinds of scratches on it.” — Mike Spencer

“I’m a cadet with the Light of Day Institute. I’m strapped.” — Jason

Better off Ted

“It’s like looking into some bizarre alternate universe where I can drive a bull and wear tall shoes with throwing stars attached to them.” — Phil

Leverage

“Pack your bags everyone, we’re going to D.C. to make news.” — Sophie
[Pause]
“That’s when you wanna….” — Nate
“Oh, that right there, yeah. Pack your bags everyone, we’re going to D.C. to make news! [walks away]” — Sophie
“…she’s walking into the closet.” — Nate

“Do I sound that creepy when I….?” — Nate
“Hell. Yes.” — Eliot

“These conspiracies aren’t real, right?” — Parker
“What do you mean?” — Eliot
“Like that one over there that says that all the major wars of the past fifty years are decided by members of The Council.” — Parker
“I’m not cleared to discuss that with you.” — Eliot
“Well you’re not a member of The Council, are you? Eliot? Eliot? Is he?” — Parker

“Loch Ness monster.” — Parker
“Loch Ness submarine.” — Haridson
“No!” — Parker
“Waters are cold and deep, it’s a perfect place for testing.” — Eliot
“Area 51.” — Parker
“True.” — Nate
“No, she said Area 51. 51.” — Hardison
“I’m sorry, false. It’s Area 52.” — Eliot
“Been there.” — Hardison
“Yup.” — Nate

The Closer

“I’m having a hard time getting this guy out of your box … That didn’t sound right.” — Dr. Terence to Brenda

Make It or Break It

“I feel like we’re trapped in a Coldplay song … which is its own level in Dante’s Hell.” — Not-Razor (Damon) to Emily

And Selections from the Virgin Diaries

Firefly

[Kaylee has expressed her belief that Simon doesn't swear]
“I swear… when it’s appropriate.” — Simon
“Simon, the whole point of swearing is that it ain’t appropriate.” — Kaylee

“[singing] The hero of Canton, the man they call ‘me’. [speaking] Eggs! The living legend needs eggs!” — Jayne

[upon seeing Serenity for the first time]
“Ship like this, be with you till the day you die.” — Malcom
“Because it’s a death trap.” — Zoe

Battlestar Galactica

“Athena tells me the upgrades should… triple the Fleet’s jump capacity.” — Helo
“Absolutely. And that’s conservative. Their technology-our technology, is way ahead of ours. Yours.” — the Chief
“Maybe you’d like a chart to keep it all straight?” — Tigh

“I don’t know anything about being a father.” — Hot Dog
“It sucks… except the parts that don’t.” — the Chief

Veronica Mars

“If college is a boy buffet, she’s got two full plates and a purse full of boys wrapped in napkin. Look at her … she’s like boynip.” — Mac about Parker

“The ’70s had the Hustle. The ’80s, the moonwalk. We have the faux-lesbian dance.” — Veronica, in a quote that’s sure to make Brett a happy man

House, MD

“[to Foreman] Not because you think I’m right. Its because you’re taking the safe route. You’re a wuss…. Don’t worry, you’re secret is safe with me [walks out the door]. Hey Wilson, guess what Foreman just did?!?” — House

“At the Boy who Cried Wolf, the wolf really does come. And he eats the sheep, and the boy, and the parents….” — House
“He doesn’t eat the parents.” — Chase
“He does when I tell it.” — House

Photo Credit: USA

Quotation Marks – Baiting, Treking, and Abstinence

Ivey West — Sun, 02 Aug 2009 20:00:32 +0000

Leverage

“OK, so what do we do now?” – Parker
“Well, I just sent Eddie to the hospital … so lets go steal us a hospital.” – Nate

“If I mention Star Trek One, Three, or Five, then everything’s okay, because the odd ones sucked. But if I mention Two, Four, or Six … What do you do?” – Hardison to Eliot, explaining his “code”
[later in the episode]
[over the intercom] “Would Dr. Ralph O’Conn please report to surgery? Dr. Ralph O’Conn, report to surgery! Ralph O’Conn!” – Hardison warning Eliot of the hit man

True Blood

“I’m so happy I could cry, but I don’t wanna, because it’s really gross when I do.” – Jessica to Hoyt, proving she’s the cutest vampire on TV

“Jason Stackhouse, abstinent.” – Jason
“Sounds good, doesn’t it?” – Luke
“Not really.” – Jason

“In person, she looks like vanilla pudding.” – Sookie, accurately describing Sarah Newlin

“If you don’t go out back right now and take off all your clothes, I will fire you.” – Sam to Daphne, before she turned out an agent of Maryann’s

“But all of them put together ain’t half as bad as if you do it to a vampire. Or to a dude. Or to a vampire dude. That’s like the creme de la creme of sins. There’s no repentance for that. Straight to hell, baby.” – Luke to Jason

In Plain Sight

“I won’t be baited into this conversation.” – Marshall
“I’m not baiting, I’m amusing. The verb, not the adjective.” – Mary
“Thanks for clearing that up. Either way, I’m not giving you the name of the first girl I had sex with.” – Marshall
“Why…? Is it because you’re a virgin?” – Mary
“No, its because you’ll track her down, call her up, and make her tell you all about it.” – Marshall
“So? I told you mine!” – Mary
“Neil Armstrong was not your first.” – Marshall
“Technically no, but who can ever remember that other guy’s name?” – Mary

Hung

“How do you keep from shooting yourself?” – Jessica to Ray, upon seeing his burned shell of a home

“If you ever want to pick out an outfit to match that stick up your ass, give me a call.” – Lenore, handing Jessica her business card in the beauty parlor

“I’ve been a jock, student leader, professional ballplayer, educator … is this really the material from which male prostitutes are made?” – Ray

Selections from the Virgin Diaries

Veronica Mars

“Did you watch House of Wax again? You know that Hilton girl gives you nightmares.” – Keith to Veronica

“Remind me: why did we break up?” – Veronica
“Well, you thought the other guy had greener grass. Or was it something about me being too much man? No, wait. It was you — you were too much man.” – Logan

“You here to confess? Is that your tail I see between your legs?” – Veronica
“No. But I can see how you might get confused.” – Weevil

House

“You met me at a strip club.” – House
“You were the worst two dollars I ever spent.” – Stacy

“You know how they say, ‘you can’t live without love?’ Well, oxygen is even more important.” – House

“I took an oath to do no harm.” – Cameron
“Yeah, well, it’s not like they made you sign it, or anything.” – House

“Are you being intentionally dense?” – Cuddy
[sarcastically] “Huh?” – House

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

“Well, we try not to get killed. That’s part of our whole mission statement: ‘Don’t get killed.’” – Willow

“So, its 118 degrees, and I’m sleeping without a stitch on, when I hear a screaming outside. So I go out stark nude, and a church bus and these three Vamps are feeding on half the Baptists in South Boston. I took out the three Vamps, and this preacher comes up and starts hugging me like there’s no tomorrow. Then the cops pull up and arrest us both.” – Faith
“Wow. They should film that story and show it every Christmas.” – Xander

“Angel was cured.” – Buffy
“I’m sorry?” – Giles
“When I killed him, Angel was cured. [to Willow] Your spell worked at the last minute, Will. I was about to take him out, and, um, something went through him, and he was Angel again. He-he didn’t remember anything that he’d done. He just held me. Um, but i-it was, it was too late, and I, I had to. So I-I told him that I loved him, I kissed him, and I killed him.” – Buffy

Photo Credit: USA Network

Quotation Marks – Leverage gets the Midwest wrong

Ivey West — Sun, 26 Jul 2009 22:00:20 +0000

I know I’ve professed my love for Leverage in the past (and by the past, I meant, you know, this weekend), but I really was taken aback by the way they portrayed Lincoln, NE. The quotes were funny, yes, but having lived in Omaha, its not that backwards. Oh, and for the record, I LOVE chicken fried steak, especially because it’s more of a Southern thing, and I can’t stand pork rinds. Also, this week Brett took a look at the “missing” episode of Dollhouse, and we, of course, dove into the Virgin Diaries.

Eureka

“My T.I.R.D. meter is going wild!” – The Drech-man

Dollhouse (”Epitaph One,” screened at San Diego Comic Con)

“You mean to tell me that the tech that punt-kicked the ass of mankind was originally designed to create more believable hookers?” – Zone

Leverage

“Meat should never be used as an adjective.” – Sophie, to room service person who told her she ordered chicken-fried steak.

“Pork rinds? How do you peel a pig?” – Sophie

True Blood

“You are going to be so sorry when I get an eating disorder.” – Jessica

“Here I am responsible for you and Jessica, and no decisions are mine. I just feel like a….” – Bill
“Human?” – Sookie
“Waitress.” – Bill
“You’re walkin’ in my shoes, and it’s givin you blisters.” – Sookie

Miscellaneous

“It’s about as subtle as getting slapped in the face with a dead, wet fish.” Jim Skelton, describing a watch on ShopNBC

Selections from the Virgin Diaries:

Supernatural

“I’m just wondering … the apocalypse nigh and all, it this really the right time to be having this little domestic drama of ours?” – Bobby

“Correct me if I’m wrong, but you willingly signed up to be the angels’ bitch? What? You prefer sucker?” – Bobby to Dean

“They’re supposed to make you miserable … that’s why they’re family!” – Bobby to Dean

Veronica Mars

“I am so good at this game, bro.” – Dick
“Shooting in a clown’s mouth. Your future’s bright, Dick.” – Logan

“I had the printers forego the phallic framing. Penises can sometimes be distracting” – Veronica

“I’m confused. You’re talking and your clothes are on. I’m starting to think you really came over here to try and sell me real estate.” – Logan to Kendall

House

“He agreed to go on a date with me.” – Cameron
“A date? Date, dinner and a movie, naked and sweaty, date?” – Foreman
“He only committed to the first two.” – Cameron

“Wow. Well, you’ve certainly given me a lot to think about. If only I was as open as you.” – House
“Well….” – Cuddy
“Actually, it was your blouse I was talking to.” – House

Six Feet Under

“No, time flies when you’re pretending to have fun. Time flies when you’re pretending to love Brenda and that baby she wants so much. Time flies when you’re pretending to know what people mean when they say, ‘Love.’ Face it, buddy-boy, there’s two kinds of people in the world: there’s you, and there’s everybody else, and never the twain shall meet.” – Nate Sr.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

“In case the curse does not succeed, this is my lucky stake. I have killed many vampires with it. I call it Mr. Pointy.” – Kendra
“You named your stake?” – Buffy
“Yes….” – Kendra
“Remind me to get you a stuffed animal.” – Buffy

“I wanna torture you. I used to love it, and it’s been a long time. I mean, the last time I tortured somebody, they didn’t even have chainsaws.” – Angelus to Giles

“Bottom line is, even if you see them coming, you’re not ready for the big moments. No one asks for their life to change; not really. But it does. So, what are we, helpless? Puppets? Nah. The big moments are gonna come, you can’t help that. It’s what you do afterwards that counts. That’s when you find out who you are.” – Whistler

Moonlight

“You okay?” – Beth
“Yeah, except I just got hit in the face with the sacred ass paddle.” – Mick
“Karma.” – Beth

Photo Credit: TNT

Quotations Marks – Neil Patrick Harris had some practice….

Ivey West — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 14:00:44 +0000

We start this week with a quote of one of my favorite actors working today….

Neil Patrick Harris on hosting this year’s Emmy ceremony: “I’m looking forward to the challenge of the show — adding my own voice to it, while honoring the nominees and the entire year in television. But which voice to choose? I’m torn between gangsta, foppish Brit, and robot. Really proud of my robot.”

“Better off Ted”

Lawyer: “Can you describe your job?”
Veronica: (pause) “Yes….”
Lawyer: “How would you describe your job?”
Veronica: “Cleverly.”

Veronica trying to convince Linda to pretend to be a drug addict and take the fall for the company
Veronica: “Because you have a disease, Linda. A disease that makes you look weak and dirty, and us compassionate and forgiving. It’s a win-win.”
Linda: “How is that a win for me?”
Veronica: “Shut up, junkie.”

“So You Think You Can Dance?”

“Darlin’, you handled your big woman!” Debbie Allen critiquing Evan and Kayla

“The Closer“

“He did this to eight women and he only got shot once?” – Brenda

Virgin Diaries

“Supernatural”

“You guys don’t walk enough. You’re going to start to get flabby.” – Dean to Castiel, after Uriel flies away

Chuck: “Did you really have to live through the bugs?”
Dean: ”Yes.”
Chuck: “What about the ghost ship?”
Dean: ”Yeah, that too.”
Chuck: “I am so sorry. I mean, horror is one thing, but to be forced to live bad writing….”

“Writing yourself into the story is one thing, but as a prophet? That’s like M. Knight level douchiness.” – Chuck

“House“

“Want to come over tonight, watch old movies and cry?” – Wilson

Cuddy: “In the Senator’s condition, a spleen biopsy could easily cause sepsis and kill him!”
House: “Why do you do this to me? Now, if I kill him I can’t tell the judge I had no idea of the risks involved.”

“Moonlight”

“Mick please, I don’t have the energy to kill everyone that pisses me off…. I have to hire some people” – Josef

“Firefly“

Mal: “You can’t open the book of my life and jump in the middle. Like woman, I am a mystery.”
Inara: [laughing] “Best keep it that way. I withdraw the question.”

“If you take sexual advantage of her, you’re going to burn in a very special level of Hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater.” – Shepard Book

“Veronica Mars”

Mrs. Hauser: “Since you all had such a raucous good time with venereal diseases, I’m sure you’ll be thrilled with phase two of Sex Ed. Ladies and gentlemen… [takes animatronic baby out of box] Welcome to Parenthood.”
Veronica: “So that’s where babies come from.”

Photo Credit: CBS

Quotations Marks – Keith and Veronica Mars banter like rock stars

Ivey West — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 20:00:27 +0000

I do have to admit. I’m a bit jealous Bob. I’ve been a Veronica Mars fan for day one, so its definitely one of those shows that I wish I could go back and watch fresh. One of the best parts of putting together this post is getting to cull through quotes from the Virgin Diary reviews, and Veronica Mars is always one of the best reads.

Better Off Ted

“A machine that causes vomiting… that could have all kinds of applications for the military… and fashion modeling.” – Ted

The Colbert Report

“I also express anger through cheering and applause. It’s like my left hand is Al Franken and my right hand keeps slapping him.” – Stephen Colbert

True Blood

“You surprise me, and that is a rare quality in a breather.” – Eric
“You disgust me.” – Sookie
“Perhaps I’ll grow on you.” – Eric
“I prefer cancer.” – Sookie

The Closer

“No, I don’t want to be one of those women who puts her cat in a urn … on the mantle with a ribbon and a bell. I want to find some other way to properly honor Kitty.” – Brenda as she moves Kitty’s ashes to a Tupperware container

Selections from the Virgin Diaries

Supernatural

“Don’t you recognize me? Oh, I forgot, I’m wearing a pediatrician.” – Alastair the demon, to Dean

“An angel and a demon riding in the back seat. It’s like a setup to a bad joke. Or a penthouse forum letter.” – Dean, driving with Anna and Ruby in the backseat of his car

“Sam, TMI.” – Dean, to Sam when he told Dean that he and Ruby slept together
“I told you I was coming clean.” – Sam
“But now I feel dirty.” – Dean

Veronica Mars

“Afternoon delight? Ooh, considerably better than fifth period English.” – Logan
“Ugh, you need to not remind me you’re in high school. There’s an ‘ick’ factor.” – Kendall
“Is that so?” – Logan
“Yeah. School in general? Not very hot. Unless I’m wearing a naughty school girl uniform. Then it’s very hot.” – Kendall
“I’m sure it would be, for the ten seconds you had it on.” – Logan

“So, senior year. How was your first day at school honey?” – Keith
“Great! I beat up a freshman, stole his lunch money and then skipped out after lunch.” – Veronica
“What, no pre-marital sex?” – Keith
“Oh, yeah … yes. But don’t worry dad, I swear you’re gonna like these guys.” – Veronica
“That’s my girl.” – Keith

“Hey Dad!” – Veronica
“Yeah honey.” – Keith
“If I know the name of a business how do I find out the names of it’s shareholders?” – Veronica
“You get the strangest homework in health class.” – Keith

X-Files

“You got a brother, don’t you, Scully?” – Mulder
“Yeah, I’ve got an older one and a younger one.” – Scully
“Well, have you ever thought about calling one of them all day long and then all of a sudden the phone rings and it’s one of them calling you?” – Mulder
“Does this pitch somehow end with a way for me to lower my long distance charges?” – Scully

Battlestar Galactica

“No, no no no. Hey, no. Kara, no. Listen to me. If you’re a Cylon, then you’ve been one from the beginning.” – Anders
“Like Boomer. Spend my entire life thinking I’m one thing….” – Starbuck
“…And then you wake up one day and discover you’re another. Still doesn’t change who you really are. Still doesn’t change the fact that I love you, no matter what.” – Anders
“You are a better person than I am because if I found out that you’re a Cylon I’d put a bullet between your eyes.” – Starbuck

“A what? A miracle? Is that what you want to call this? Go ahead,say it. Grab your piece of the golden arrow. I want to hear admiral atheist say that a miracle happened.” – Laura
“You shot at her and missed at close range.” – Adama
“Doloxan fraks with your aim.” – Laura
“So does doubt.” – Adama

House

“Like I always say, there’s no ‘I’ in ‘team.’ There is a ‘me,’ though, if you jumble it up.” – House

“So your philosophy is, ‘If they don’t want treatment, they get it shoved down their throat, but if it might cure their paralysis, whoa, better slow down.’” – Wilson
“Yeah. My old philosophy used to be ‘Live and let live,’ but I’m taking this needlepoint class and they gave us these really big pillows.” – House

“You know, in some cultures, it’s considered almost rude for one friend to spy on another. Of course, in Swedish, the word ‘friend’ can also be translated as ‘limping twerp.’” – Wilson

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

“Oh, Will, you’re supposed to use your powers for good!” – Buffy
“I just wanna learn stuff.” – Willow
“Like how to build your own serial killer?” – Cordelia
“Uh, it’s so hard to rent one nowadays.” – Xander

Photo Credit: The CW

Quotations Marks – The one where we take a break from the reality that was this week

Ivey West — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 18:00:37 +0000

I couldn’t help but use this image from last week’s True Blood of Lafayette’s ‘visit’ to the office at Fangtasia, as the scene, and the quote, was probably the funniest moment on television this week. He has got to be one of the most quotable characters on the air today; I’m sure he’ll continue to show up in this column week after week.

True Blood

“So if I’ve got even a ‘Jew at an Al-Qaeda Pep rally’ shot at getting my black ass up out of this mother fucker, I’m taking it.”
- Lafayette

“When it comes to men, I’ve got a long history of putting the cart so far out in front that the horse can’t see it, so now I”m just trying to get it right.”
- Tara

The Closer

“… If I’m going to be upset with you when you’re wrong, the least I can do is stand up for you when you are right.”
- Brenda

Burn Notice

“To the educated eye, a prison tat tells a story: where you did time, why you did time, and who you did it with. It’s a little like a job resumé for criminals.”
- Mike

From the Virgin Diaries

Moonlight

“I thought about being an actor back in the ’70s. But I think I really just wanted to be Steve McQueen. There is a difference.”
- Mick

“‘Mi casa es su casa’; That’s Spanish by the way … (whispered to Beth) For keep her out of my stuff.”
- Mick

House

“You must be all the talk at the Holy Water cooler.”
- House

“I blamed God. I hated him for ruining my life. But then I realized something … You can’t be angry with God and not believe in at the same time. No one can. Not even you, Dr. House.”
- Sister Mary Augustine

“Husband described her as being unusually irritable lately … I didn’t realize a woman could be unusually irritable.”
- House, providing a quote I know will get me in trouble

“You were curious, like a eight year old boy with a puzzle that’s just a little too grown up for him to figure out.” – Cameron
“To-MAY-to, To-MA-to” – House

Veronica Mars

“You do not want to start today with me, Paco.” – Logan
“Are you sure? It was in my day planner under ‘Goals.’” – Weevil

Supernatural

“So you guys are like Mulder and Scully or something, and the X-Files are real?” – Jamie, guest bimbo
“No, the X-Files is a TV show; this is real.” – Dean

“Witches, man — they’re so friggin’ skeevy.” – Dean

Burn Notice

“I know a few Iranians who are coming into town.” – Fiona
“Oh, let’s avoid people who use “Michael Westen” and “jihad” in the same sentence.” – Mike

“The art of turning someone into a double agent is delicate. The target has to be put into a fragile psychological state.” – Mike’s voice over
“Get this crazy bitch away from me!” – Lucio, while Fiona points a taser at him
“Fortunately, fragile psychological states are a specialty of Fiona’s.” – Mike’s voiceover

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

“I told one lie, I had one drink.” – Buffy
“Yes, and you were very nearly devoured by a giant demon snake. The words “let that be a lesson” are a tad redundant at this juncture.” – Giles

Photo Credit: HBO

Quotation Marks – All quiet on the summer show front…

Ivey West — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 21:00:43 +0000

This week’s Virgin Diaries take the cake again. We’re all just going back and watching too much good television not to take the chance to recognize it again and again.

Kings

“And how did you manage to have eight power stations serviced simultaneously?” – the Queen
“Uh … Clerical error?” – Power Guy
“I’d like to meet this cleric.” – the King

Harper’s Island

“This place sucks. I only say you suck more because you choose to come here. Why in God’s name would you want to get married here?” – Shane
“Believe me, I’m having second thoughts.” - Henry

“I gave up on ‘why’ a couple of days ago.” – Sully

True Blood

“Time’s up. I don’t teach. I absorb.” – Girl at Merlotte’s

Selections from the Virgin Diaries:

Veronica Mars

“What did you ever do before you met me?” – Mac
“Ever see the first ten minutes of 2001: A Space Odyssey? It was a lot like that” – Veronica

“Will you just hear me out, please? My boyfriend Dylan spotted me some cash a few months ago, and now he’s bugging me about it. I — I can’t get him off my back.” – Trina
“Did you try standing up?” – Logan

“I’ll be at home. With the only sane member of the Mars family.” – Veronica
“The one that eats from the garbage and keeps bringing me dead birds?” – Keith
“That’s the one.” – Veronica

“No offense, but you look … odd.” – Veronica
“I just watched our parents cuddle on the couch last night. My eyes … They burn.” – Wallace
“Any idea what our parents do on Mondays and Wednesdays from 6:00 and 10:00 that requires an overnight bag?” – Veronica
“As far as I’m concerned, they play bingo at the VFW. That’s my story. I’m sticking with it.” – Wallace

Supernatural

“I should look like a ‘Thriller’ video reject.” – Dean, on returning from Hell unscathed

“You were supposed to take care of her, not douche her up.” – Dean to Sam when he sees Sam put an iPod jack in the Impala.

“I thought angels were supposed to be guardians — fluffy wings, halos, you know, Michael Landon — not dicks.” – Dean to Castiel

“Mom is a babe. I’m going to Hell. Again.” – Dean, when he goes back in time to 1973

Firefly

“Planet’s coming up a mite fast.” – Zoe
“That’s just ’cause I’m going down too quick. Likely crash and kill us all.” – Wash
“Well, that happens, let me know.” – Mal, as he exits the bridge

“I know him. And I think he’s a psychotic low-life.” – Sir Warwick
“And I think calling him that is an insult to the psychotic low-life community.” – Mal

“And I NEVER back down from a fight.” – Mal
“Yes, you do! You do all the time!” – Inara
“Well…. yeah, but I’m not backing down from this one!” – Mal

Moonlight

“This is the LA County Morgue, not ‘Help You’ autopsy.” – Morgue Tech

House

“People don’t want a sick doctor.” – House
“That’s fair, I don’t want healthy patients either.” – Wilson

“Patients always want proof. We’re not making cars here, we don’t give guarantees.” – House

“Oh, I looked up that philosopher you quoted, Jagger, and you’re right. ‘You can’t always get what you want.’ But as it turns out, if you try sometimes, you get what you need.” – Cuddy

“Men should grow up.” – Cameron
“Yeah, and dogs should stop licking themselves. It’s not going to happen.” – House

Gossip Girl

“Damn that mother Chucker! He’s totally right! I don’t even like James!” – Blair
“Thank you. I was totally waiting for that.” – Serena

Photo Credit: CBS

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