CliqueClack TV » Quotation Marks

Quotation Marks – Who needs scripted TV when we can make ourselves laugh?

Aryeh S. — Sun, 21 Mar 2010 18:30:09 +0000

“I didn’t do those things, by the way.” – Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, to everyone he served during the first competition on ‘The Celebrity Apprentice’

This past week saw the premiere of the new Tom Hanks behemoth, The Pacific. But while that may be great for HBO, a mini-series about war isn’t likely to be a hotbed of quotable nuggets. But never fear, friends, because we here at CliqueClack have taken care of that for you.

Our own fearless leader in battle, Keith, reached out to our staff to get a feel for everyone’s interest in covering the show. Let’s listen in on what happened:

“I was actually thinking about writing a post about how I don’t like [The Pacific], but I need to stop the comparisons to BoB. I might be able to pick it up, as the second felt much better than the first, and I hear it’s really supposed to pick up in Part Three.” – Ivey

“It’s hard to compare anything to Bob. Bob is awesome in so many ways and also incredibly good looking … Wait, are we talking about the same thing?” – Bob Degon

Those guys!

Quotes from the Ether

“BTW, I’m serious about writing your friends and family to watch #Caprica if you want another season. We WANT to make one, but…” – Syfy Twitter account

30 Rock

“Your Ben and Jerry’s flavor is called Adulte-raisin!” – Liz, on her shock upon learning that Tracy has never cheated on his wife

“Tracy, I know what you’re going through, I got a lot of flack after I ate the pig that played Babe.” – Jenna

“Good God. ‘Ass-atar,’ ‘The Lovely Boners,’ ‘The Hind Side,’ ‘Fresh-Ass Based on the Novel Tush by Ass-phire.’ It’s all pay-per-view porn!” – Jack, reading the pay-per-view titles available from Kabletown

“What do you want with NBC?” – Jack
“Well, buying NBC counts as a charitable donation for tax purposes.” – Dave Hess

The Celebrity Apprentice

“I didn’t do those things, by the way.” – Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, to everyone he served

“How old is Edith?” – Don Jr. to Cyndi, after she said that her friend Edith had a crush on Donald Trump

“You’re beautiful, many of you.” – Trump to the female “celebrities” in the boardroom

Greek

“You’ll get one of my deep-fried snacks when you pry it out of my cold, dead hands.” – Dale, upon meeting Evan

House

“Her subconscious is trying to tell her something. We have to eavesdrop.” – House, regarding the patient’s hallucination
“She was screaming she was being sucked into a black hole, so we should look for a tumor in her anus.” – Taub

The Office

“If they don’t have an iPod by now, they really don’t want one.” – Phyllis

Photo Credit: HBO

Quotation Marks – Is crime scene faking a required course in Colombia?

Aryeh S. — Sun, 14 Mar 2010 15:00:46 +0000

“If you are anywhere between 21 and 53 … you will watch this series and feel like a big fat pussy.” – Tom Hanks, on his upcoming HBO miniseries, ‘The Pacific’

There’s no time like a week full of juicy quotes to fully appreciate just which moments make you laugh the hardest. Whenever I need something light and enjoyable to watch, obviously I put on a sitcom. But the best laughs always seem to come when they’re least expected, don’t they? Like in the middle of a highly tense trial, or a deathly serious medical emergency. They may be few and far between, but when they do hit….

30 Rock

“It was a disaster. We were so awkward that the waitress gave us separate checks without asking, and a priest came over and asked us who we lost.” – Liz, on her first date with Wesley

“Are you going to Mr. Jordan’s show again? I’m sure he’d appreciate your support.” – Kenneth
“Oh, I don’t think so. If I wanted to see a black man make a fool of himself, I’d sleep with KFed again.” – Jenna

The Colbert Report

“If you are anywhere between 21 and 53 … you will watch this series and feel like a big fat pussy.” – Tom Hanks, on his upcoming HBO miniseries, The Pacific

Community

“Disappointing you is like choking the Little Mermaid with a bike chain.” – Jeff to Annie

(After Jeff breaks up with his girlfriend) “Oh no, that’s so sad. I’ll give Jeff a shoulder to cry on, you boys go put a dead bird in that bitch’s glove compartment.” – Shirley

“I hope they’re not twins. Twins freak me out. They always know what the other one is–” – Abed
“Thinking.” – Troy
“Yeah. And they’re always finishing each others–” – Abed
“Pie.” – Troy
“It’s creepy.” – Abed

“Looks like Pierce broke the piggy bank at the escort service this time.” – Chang
“Hey duck sauce, that was rude. The call girls I frequent are not nearly as attractive as my daughter.” – Pierce

Greek

“I always thought that Al Gore was rather hunky.” – Katherine, on her “bad boy” fetish

“I am prepared to dance for you.” – Katherine to Rusty, before they were going to have sex

“… And if he doesn’t find his way back to Cyprus tonight, well then res ipsa loquitur….” – Casey, on Pete
“Ooh; is that Harry Potter talk?” – Ashleigh
“It’s lawyer talk, for ‘the thing speaks for itself’.” – Casey
“Fancy!” – Ashleigh

House

“Giving him a computer is like giving plutonium to Dr. No.” – Wilson about House, when he finds the doctored movie posters

(House makes his classic diagnosis face) “You’d better not be faking this to get out of a tough conversation.” – Wilson

How I Met Your Mother

“Where’s the D-bag taking you? Aw, that’s not a good nickname for Don. I’ll think of another one.” – Marshall to Robin

The Middle

“So catch me up; these zombies … why are they seeking revenge?” – Brick to Sue, before beginning their zombie movie

Modern Family

“Women on the Internet in their thirties are like ninjas. They get in their little black outfits and try to sneak their way into your marriage.” – Claire

(To a beeping car) “Go around! We’re re-creating a faux pas!” – Cam

“I’m Colombian. I know a fake crime scene when I see one.” – Gloria

“You had a girlfriend before mom?” – Luke
“Try two. Trust me, I had plenty of fun in my time. Then I met your mom.” – Phil

“I still have my cheerleader outfit.” – Denise
“So do I but this still can’t happen.” – Phil

“It might have been a little bit louder. There was traffic. I almost had to shout.” – Mitchell
“You almost had to what?” – Cam
“Shout.” – Mitchell
“A little bit louder now.” – Cam
“Shout.” – Mitchell
“A little bit louder now.” – Cam
“Shout!” – Mitchell
“Hey, hey, hey, hey!” – Cam

The Office

“It is the closest that the Irish will ever get to Christmas.” – Michael, on St. Patrick’s Day

“How do I put this delicately? Does her family owe your family something in terms of a past injustice?” – Michael, asking Darryl how he got on Jo’s good side

The Practice virgin diary

“Contrary to the myth, not all child molesters are rocket scientists.” – Bobby, on his ability to crack a convicted child molester on the stand

Psych

“You should have told us. We would have gotten you a house chilling gift.” – Shawn to Mary when they heard he’d never left Santa Barbara

“I think that bailiff from Night Court is spot-on.” – Mary, about deputy McNab

“She gets overly stimulated by color.” – Jailer about Yang
“What about my face?” – Gus

Rules of Engagement

“We don’t have set sides of the bed.” – Jen
“We sort of lie down wherever.” – Adam
“What are you, farm animals?” – Jeff

Scrubs

[Mocking Drew] “… About as ridiculous as your five o’clock shadow. Honest to God, sometimes during rounds, I look over at you and it’s like I’m teaching Yasser Arafat.” – Dr. Cox
“Really? I see a slightly gayer George Michael.” – Denise
“Oh, so see that!” – Dr. Cox

Photo Credit: USA Network

Quotation Marks – Road trips, treasure quests, and marlin hunts

Aryeh S. — Sun, 07 Mar 2010 19:00:43 +0000

“I had the lowest of expectations, and I’m still disappointed.” – Axl Heck

Television certainly returned with a force this past week following the Olympics, but that doesn’t mean it’s all the way back. Personally, I found that for a complete slate of new episodes, the week was rather wanting on the quotes side. Or maybe our team here at CliqueClack was simply caught unprepared for the subtle humor that your favorite show spews forth week after week. If so, let me know what we missed!

Community

“Oh, come on. If all Chinese were psychic you would’ve started using birth control centuries ago.” – Pierce to Chang

Greek

“Sorry … did you say your name was Beaver?” – Mrs. Hilgendorf
“Well, it’s short for The Beaver.” – Beaver

How I Met Your Mother

“Our girl parts are like spider webs … sometimes you catch things you don’t want.” – Robin

The Middle

“Saturday’s my day to decompress.” – Brick, on why he didn’t want to compete in the Orson County Bee

“I had the lowest of expectations, and I’m still disappointed.” – Axl, upon arriving at the world’s largest tree stump

Modern Family

“You never want your kids to see you scared. You want to be that rock they can grab a hold of in a stormy sea. Actually, a rock would sink. So a floating rock.” – Phil

“You know it’s because you’re Asian, right? No, I’m sorry, am I just supposed to ignore the giant panda in the room?” – Cam, when Lily calls her pediatrician “mommy” (a gay dad’s worst fear)

“Hey Cam, where did we get this dolly from?” – Mitchell
“Janice and Olivia. They brought it over yesterday. Lily loves it.” – Cam
“Seems a little frilly, you know, coming from them.” – Mitchell
“Because they’re lesbians? That’s sort of an offensive stereotype, don’t you think?” – Cam
“I suppose. I’m sorry. Hey, did they bring back our coffee maker?” – Mitchell
“No, it was too big. They were on their motorcycle.” – Cam

Psych

“We’re one and the same. We’re Shassie now. We’re Sharlton. We’re Spenciter.” – Shawn to Lassiter

“We’re gonna go out and hunt some Marlin.” – Henry
“Wayans? Well, it’s about time. Get out there quick before they make another White Chicks.” – Shawn

Rules of Engagement

“Oh right … your marriage is at the point where you like to introduce new characters.” – Russell’s take on kids

Photo Credit: USA Network

Quotation Marks – Stinky nuts, bananas, and a good Pinot

Aryeh S. — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 17:00:05 +0000

The Olympics have made it tough to find something — anything — original on TV, but some shows have persevered to bring us laughs. Hang in ’til next week, folks!

It’s been a sad two weeks for TV. The Olympics have killed our February, our snow days, and our spirits. But while it hasn’t exactly been business as usual on the big “four,” renegades like USA Network — among others — have continued to work hard to bring us something more entertaining than their counterparts over at the USA Committee (see that little play on USA?). It’s not quite the same without a tidbit from Brick Heck, Michael Scott, or Barney Stinson, but at least it’s a start.

Just a few more days everybody. Hang in there!

Greek

“Celibate good times, come on!” – Dale’s Christian party theme

(Calling to Rusty from the other room) “Sometimes Bridget eats with her retainer in and kissing her is like eating lunch twice in one day.” (Walks in and sees Casey) “Hey Casey; how long you been there?” – Dale
“Ah, long enough to taste my lunch twice.” – Casey

Lost

“Jacob — where is he?” – Jack to Hurley
“Kind of dead. He turns up wherever he wants, like Obi-Wan Kenobi.” – Hurley

Psych

“First of all, you’ve got to stop using that, ‘I’m not falling for no banana in my tailpipe’ voice when you’re imitating a white person.” – Shawn to Gus

“The Thornburg virus … what does this have to do with Richard Chamberlain?” – Shawn

“Let me get this straight … You hit the town, get sloppy drunk, pass out, woke up without a virus? Isn’t that usually the other way around?” – Shawn to client

“I still smell like stinky nuts, Shawn.” – Gus, after being trapped in a hazmat suit with Shawn’s corn nuts
“Gus, we don’t have four hours to riff on that.” – Shawn

“The Thornburg virus is an extremely rare virus that primarily targets people in Africa, which makes it racist by the way.” – Gus

“So I took her back to my room? This is crazy! Is it possible I have game?” – Donny

White Collar

“Tell me agent, do you fashion yourself a wine aficionado?” – Snooty wine auctioneer
“I like a good Pinot now and then.” – Peter
“Pinot. You’ve seen Sideways.” – Snooty wine auctioneer

Photo Credit: USA Network

Quotation Marks – Elephant’s scrotum, Andy’s crotch, and Camel penises

Aryeh S. — Sun, 14 Feb 2010 18:00:29 +0000

The Olympics spell the death of television for the next few weeks, but lucky for us this past week has been jammed packed with worthy quotes, funny moments, and cheesy romance. These are some of our favorites.

If that title doesn’t scream Happy Valentine’s Day….

The Olympics spell the death of television for the next few weeks, but lucky for us this past week has been jammed packed with worthy quotes, funny moments, and cheesy romance. Of course, the salty side of love wasn’t forgotten, just referred to in a far more vulgar way than usual in honor of the “little flying fat kid[’s]” special day. That’s right Stephen Colbert … I’m looking at you!

30 Rock

“On Valentine’s day Angie and I rent a room with a heart shaped hot tub and cook chili in it. Then we take it to a soup kitchen and that’s where it gets sexy!” – Tracy

“I always knew this would end some day. I just thought it would be with me in the trunk of a rental car.” – Jenna, on being dumped by her stalker

“I learned to talk to gorillas when I worked for GE medical. [While signing] We’re going to test poisons on you.” – Jack

“Wow, Avery Jessup, she’s hot. She was on Maxim’s ‘I’d Rape That 100′” – Liz

American Idol

“So this is it, huh? I come on … you leave.” – Ellen DeGeneres to Simon Cowell on night one of Hollywood Week

Community

“She [Britta] has more arguments that don’t matter than a comment section on a YouTube video.” – Jeff

Cougar Town

“Where’s Jules? Andy and I are going on a romantic couple’s lunch and we want her to come with us.” – Ellie

Daily Show/Colbert Report

“Is that your face? I thought you were wearing a ski mask made from an elephant’s scrotum.” – Stephen Colbert to Jon Stewart

Greek

“I don’t know what cliché means.” – Beaver to Ashleigh, in the batting cage

“He’s just so … so … mentally challenged.” – Ashleigh to Casey, about Beaver

Grey’s Anatomy

“It’s Valentine’s Day.” – Derek and Owen
“We don’t do Valentine’s Day!” – Cristina and Meredith

“These are all half-eaten!” – Cristina
“Now you can see what they are.” – Karev

How I Met Your Mother

“Robin, you’re going to marry this guy so fricking hard. Right in the butt.” – Marshall

“I can’t do that Ted. I just can’t hook up with a girl if there is a hotter girl out there with whom Up can be Hooked.” – Barney

“And wait, this is the best part, I’ve been working on this for a while … I’ll duck out.” – Ted

Leverage

“James Sterling, Interpol. It just rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it?” – Sterling

“I never get to do anything fun.” – Parker, as she dives off the side of a building

“Be still my heart, if my heart was somewhere in my pants.” – The Mayor, when he saw the plans for the ballpark

Life Unexpected

“Oh, you’re just bitter that you’re buying too many dinners and not enough breakfasts.” – Cate

“I’m married … with step-kids.” – Alice
“I’m out.” – Jamie

“They picked out kids like they were puppies … or cars.” – Lux

The Middle

“Hey, Lady Gaga, love your music.” – Axl to Sue, upon seeing her dressed for her party

“You look so pretty in all of that makeup. Like a Kardashian.” – Carly to Sue, right in all the wrong ways

“They said they’d take him for the night. A deal’s a deal!” – Mike to Frankie, when Zack’s mother calls to have Brick picked up

Modern Family

“Are you in town for a convention or something or do you forget your name a lot?” – Claire to Phil’s “Clive Bixby,” who’s wearing a Hello tag.

“You look so strong and sexy, like an Olympic wrestler, but with money.” – Gloria to Jay

“All women should look as tasty as you when they’re old.” – Dylan to Claire as he gives her a Valentine’s Day rose

The Office

“These sure are pretty dogs.” – Andy
“They love a good crotch.” – Jo
“Yeah, they sure do.” – Andy
“You should take that as a compliment.” – Jo
“Oh, I do.” – Andy, followed by Erin smiling her encouragement/agreement?

“Oh, a bird and a dog.” – Erin
“Yeah, well it’s Snoopy and Woodstock .” – Andy
“You named them?” – Erin
“Ah, Charles Schulz did.” – Andy

“Camel cigarettes did the same thing with Joe Camel by making him look like a penis. I can’t even go near a cigarette now without thinking of a penis. And vice versa.” – Michael, on saying the word “manager” a lot to Jo

Parks and Recreation

“It’s the most romantic story ever. It makes The Notebook look like Saw V.” – Leslie, on the story her mother told at Galentin’s day about the lifeguard

Psych

“You sat there and ate Munchos while I called my contacts in Sacramento.” – Henry
“I was on the missing persons website.” – Shawn
“The band Missing Persons.” – Henry

Supernatural

“You mean the little flying fat kid in diapers?” – Dean, referring to the legendary Cupid
“They’re not incontinent.” – Castiel

White Collar

“Peter, are you serious? Mi casa es su casa.” – Neal
“Su casa isn’t even su casa.” – Peter

Photo Credit: CW

Quotation Marks – Deloreans, baby daddys, and what Penny does

Ivey West — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 15:00:35 +0000

“Yeah, that would be really messy if Baze was my high school crush, your baby daddy, and mom’s fifth husband.”

After covering this week’s Big Bang Theory, it feels like I have already written this week’s installment of Quotation Marks. It was certainly a laugh-a-minute episode, and I brought back my favorite two quotes from the episode for the weekly edition. Also making its — to my memory — first appearance is White Collar. It is nice to see House show up as well, but we seemed to have misplaced Psych this week. Did you see it? What were your favorite quotes?

Supernatural

“Time travel was difficult even with the powers of Heaven at my disposal.” — Castiel
“Which you cut off….” — Sam
“So what, you’re like a Delorean without enough plutonium?” — Dean
“I don’t understand that reference….” — Castiel

Grey’s Anatomy

“I’d like to push his face into a wall … no offense.” — Karev

“This isn’t really going to work for me.” — Arizona to Callie, when Mark got into bed with them

Bones

“I have to admit, the way I move, she follows me like she knows exactly where I am.” — Bones
“It’s because she can see you.” — Dr. Copeland

“Yes, but unfortunately dopey, inter-personal crap falls under my job description.” — Cam

Life Unexpected

“Yeah, that would be really messy if Baze was my high school crush, your baby daddy, and mom’s fifth husband.” — April

White Collar

“A New Yorker who does not take the subway is not a New Yorker you can trust.” — Mozzie to Neal

“It’s like talking to a wall.” — Peter, upset that Neal had ignored his advice
“I hadn’t heard your story yet.” — Neal, in his own defense

“Poor posture doesn’t discriminate.” — Neal, explaining why an urgent care medical organization would employ a chiropractor

Greek

“I hate waiting in line … it’s so Midwest .” — Rebecca

The Middle

“With the swine flu outbreak, I have a real shot this year. A lot of good people are down.” — Sue, on her chances at making Majorettes

Big Bang Theory

“I asked myself what is the most mind-numbing, pedestrian job conceivable, and three answers came to mind. A tollbooth attendant, an Apple Store Genius, and what Penny does.”– Sheldon

“Bazinga … Bazinga … Bazinga … Bazinga.” — Sheldon

The Office

“Have you tried making everything smaller?” — Creed’s suggestion on fitting everything back into the box

“Due to circumstances beyond my control–” — Michael
“Impulsivity and inattention to detail.” — Dwight

“Why do I have to explain everything?” — Michael
“Because we’re usually not on the same page.” — Pam

Modern Family

“Do people want their real estate advice from someone who leads, or someone who follows? I’m bettin’ these babies (points to mustache) are coming back in a big way. Buy low, sell high. People are going to see this and say, ‘That guy’s high.’” – Phil

“Dad, what’s Jägermeister?” — Alex
“You know how in fairy tales there’s always potion that makes the princess fall asleep and all the guys start kissing her? Well this is like that, only you don’t wake up in a castle, you wake up in a frat house with a bad reputation.” — Phil

“I can’t imagine you working.” – Luke, to his mom
“Luke, that is very offensive to women. Your mom works very hard. It’s just now she works for us.” – Phil

Community

“Dude, even I know you’re lame, and I’m a tenured professor sitting in a beanbag chair.” — Senor Chang
“You’re not a professor.” — Troy
“Shut up.” — Senor Chang

“When you guys first came in, we were as wholesome and family-friendly as The Brady Bunch. Now we’re as incestuous and dysfunctional as the cast of The Brady Bunch.” – Abed

“You think I’m too old to make monkey shines at a picture show? Come on! I’m younger than the three of you put together!” — Pierce

30 Rock

“I’d like to pre-apologize for clogging your tub, sink, and toilet.” — Frank, upon moving in with Liz

“Manufactured in a facility that also processes food.” — Liz, reading the label of “cornholes”

“People do not change. In the late ’90s I thought Colleen had become a better person. It turns out she had a tumor pressing on her brain’s pleasure center. A tumor those quack doctors removed.” — Jack

“Could a bad mother have raised a daughter who was engaged to a congressman when she was 16?” — Jenna

House

“Do you know why you’re black?”– House
“Because God loves me more than you?”– Daryl

“What’s wrong?” – Daryl
“You’re turning white.” – House
“What’s that mean?” – Daryl’s mother
“It means he doesn’t need football to get a good job anymore.” – House

“Maybe you self-pranked.” – Wilson
“I don’t master-prank.” – House

The Vampire Diaries

“You know, I really like this whole manage-a-threesome team thing … it’s got a bit of a kink to it. Don’t screw it up.” – Damon to Stefan and Elena

“If I see something I haven’t seen before, I’ll throw a dollar at it.” – Damon, to Stefan and Elena when we walks in on them in bed together

How I Met Your Mother

“Just because a man talks about a fictional character a lot on a first date doesn’t mean he’s not husband material.” – Lily to Robin
“Sasquatch is not fictional.” – Marshall

Photo Credit: The CW

Quotation Marks – Prophetic-ness, Perry, and pirates

Ivey West — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 23:03:53 +0000

“Why do you care about some motherfreakin’ snakes on a motherfreakin’ plane?” — Castle’s Esposito

Even if I hated Psych (which I don’t), I would still love it every time it came back. It’s one of the more quotable shows on television today, and always seems to make an appearance (or, you know, fill the page up) when it airs live. This week’s return was no exception. It is good to have Shawn and Gus back. On the other hand, a show that we don’t see enough of in here is Castle, and I’m making it my new mission to get good quotes each week. Enjoy!!

Psych

“From what my sis says, you … you’re the amazing one.” — Ewen
“You said that?” — Shawn
“I said that you were prophetic.” — Jules
“What? You’re prophetic!” — Shawn

“Shawn, he’s going to come back with a bar of soap and a towel!” — Gus
“Would you relax. There’s now way we’re going to get D’Onofrio-ed.” — Shawn

Quotes from the Ether

“It’s kind of like judging a talent show.” — Katy Perry, in an interview about her guest judging on American Idol.

Better off Ted

“We can’t leave work early, we’re not Somali pirates!” – Lem

“If a guy bites his cuticles and then swallows them, does that make him a cannibal, because then I had an exciting date with a cannibal and not a boring evening with a guy who has a disgusting habit.” – Linda

Dollhouse

“ … and you didn’t think to mention that Safe Haven was parked right next door to the Death Star?!?!?!” — Zone

“It spoke to the schizophrenic in me. Well, both of them.” — Alpha

“I try to be my best.” — Random ‘dumb show’
“Ah, hell.” — Echo

Bones

“No, sweetie, he’s rationalizing. Which makes what he did irrational because he’s rationalizing that Jared can’t make rational decisions for himself.” — Angela, trying to explain things, erm, rationally

Leverage

“Eliot, I’m going to ask you not to do anything violent.” — Nate, as Sterling walked into the bar
“What are you talking about? I only use violence as an appropriate response.” — Eliot, just before he beat up Sterling

“You know, people underestimate you, Eliot.” — Maggie
“That’s kinda the point.” — Nate

Life Unexpected

“How many more ‘accidents’ are you going to have with Baze on your way to the alter with Ryan?” — Producer

Castle

“You know who kills with syringes? Mad doctors and B-movie Nazis. Why not just use a gun?” – Castle

“Why do you care about some motherfreakin’ snakes on a motherfreakin’ plane?” — Esposito

Photo Credit: USA

Quotation Marks – Mel Gibson, Matt Damon, and McDreamy

Ivey West — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 16:00:46 +0000

“It’s shame that all this montage episode told us is how crappy the show’s been lately, by showing us when it was great.”

This week’s post could have been quotes from the Golden Globes from top to bottom. We hosted a Live-Blog/Chat, and had a blast watching the award show together. Check the chat transcripts for all of our snarky commentary, and many, many quotes from acceptance speeches. I’ve provided a couple here, but i’ts only the tip of the iceberg.

The Golden Globes

“I like a drink as much as the next man, unless the next man is Mel Gibson.” — Ricky Gervais, introducing Mel Gibson while drinking a beer

“First of all, I’d like to thank Susan Downey for saying Matt Damon is going to win, so don’t bother to do a speech.” — Robert Downey Jr. at the beginning of his acceptance speech

“If you want attention, sit next to Paul McCartney. I don’t think I’ve ever had so many texts in my life.” — Julia Roberts

Quotes from the Ether

“It’s a shame that all this montage episode told us is how crappy the show’s been lately, by showing us when it was great.” — Keith McDuffee, about The Office
“That’s what every montage episode does.” — Rich Keller

“Keith is right… if Lynch didn’t get the nod, I really don’t see Glee getting it….” — Ivey West (You know, me), about 10 minutes before I ate those words in the Globes Live-Blog/Chat

The Office

“The principles that I’m applying to the office are the same ones that made Lady Gaga a star … or any number of drag queens.” – Michael

Modern Family

“I came out of the closet in my mid-twenties. I had to come out to my dad three times before he finally acknowledged it. I’m not sure if maybe he was hoping he heard it wrong, like I’d said, ‘Dad, I’m gray.’” — Mitchell

“We have a saying in my country that means love is just around the corner… I come from a neighborhood with a lot of prostitutes.” — Gloria

“Would he refer to Phil as a friend of Claire’s? No.” — Mitchell, after Cam told him that Jay introduced him to his friends as “a friend of my son”
“I’ve heard him call Phil a lot worse.” — Cameron

“Imagine our home theater system is a human body. So then the receiver is the brain. The TV is the face.” — Phil
“I know what part you are.” — Claire

“Look at that — two things flaming at once.” — Mitchell to florist, as Cam OMGs about flaming flowers

Bones

“And even if they use condoms, Wendell is young. His sperm is extremely motile.” — Brennan

“Dr. Brennan doesn’t make life choices without a Boolean flow chart.” — Cam

“No, this is America, baby, we can conjecture all we want.” — Booth

“Oh, that was totally ninja. Maybe some anger issues there, but you kicked ass.” — Sweets

Community

“Before we start, I’d like to have a preliminary pow-wow, or prelimiwow, about what I’m calling our library’s back-door conundrum.” — Annie
“That sounds like a porno starring Kate Winslet.” — Abed

“Girls are supposed to dance, that’s why God gave them parts that jiggle.” — Troy

Parks and Recreation

“I just want this dinner party to go well. There are very few things I’ve asked for in this world; to build a park from scratch, to one day become president, and to one day solve a murder on a train. I think it’s fair to add this to the list.” — Leslie

30 Rock

“Cross-promotional, deal mechanics, revenue stream, jargon, synergy.” — Liz, trying to convince Jack to take TGS to Florida
“That’s the best presentation I’ve ever seen. Get started right away.” — Jack

Burn Notice

“In the world of espionage, there are a lot of ways to introduce yourself. You can use official channels, you can use a cover ID, you can use encrypted communication. Whatever the method, that contact tells you a lot about a person, especially when someone introduces themselves by fire-bombing a hotel room.” — Michael

Cougar Town

“I can’t believe you got all the way naked for me last night. I love you.” — Andy to Ellie

“There’s not that many men out there looking for a forty-something mom who needs lots of foreplay and is a mediocre cook.” — Jules

Leverage

“If you are a stay-at-home mom, you break out the wine and the Xanax, ’cause we’re having snow days here, people.” — Hardison during his fake blizzard forecast

“It’s different than before. Before, I used to think that I was OK when I was drunk. Now, I know I’m not OK.” — Nate

Grey’s Anatomy

“Alex and I … We’ve done it before. It was like recycling… It was good for the environment.” — Lexi

“Don’t McDreamy me.” — Derek
“McDreamy is being a McAss.” — Meredith

Photo Credit: GoldenGlobes.org

Quotation Marks – Parties, pregnancy sex, and body pillows

Ivey West — Sun, 17 Jan 2010 19:21:41 +0000

The story of the week couldn’t help but creep into this week’s Quotation Marks. Yes, Conan just got paid 30 million to just walk away. It’s about as opposite from, “I hate to watch you go, but love to watch you leave,” as you possibly could get, eh?

The Tonight Show

“Hello, my name is Conan O’Brien and I may soon be available for children’s parties.” — during Conan’s opening monologue

The Middle

“I guess what I’m really saying is, septic waste is my passion.” — Mike on a job interview

Criminal Minds

“So death isn’t this UnSub’s goal, it’s an unfortunate side effect.” — Hotch to Reid

Community

“Jeff, I hope you’ve got an armful of raisins, because I’ve got a major scoop.” — Annie

“I was thinking as a group we could start saying ‘you go girl’, not in a way that’s ‘oh, I’m so cool, I’m saying you go girl’, but in a way that we’re sort of winking at it.” — Buddy

“This is the first desk I’ve seen in six months that doesn’t have ‘Zeppelin Rules’ carved into it.” — Jeff, about the fancy desk for the editor of the school newspaper

“Annie’s pretty young; we try not to sexualize her.” — Jeff

“No one will care about my time in rehab if they think I’m a writer!” — Annie

Scrubs

“What else did your baby get that we could play with?? [Notices the whole class looking at him] … Just give him 30 ccs of … ah … medicine … Stat.” — Turk, playing with JD’s walkie talkie

“OK, lets just avoid the breast region. They’re big but they’re not for touching, too sore. And lets avoid the thighs, they’re like memory foam. They leave a hand print.” — Eliot while attempting “Pregnancy Sex”

Parks and Recreation
“Okay, who’s your ideal man?” — Ann
“I would say… the brains of George Clooney with the body of Joe Biden.” — Leslie

“I’m trying to think of this as an adventure, you know, getting back on that horse. Even if that horse is crazy and wants to peer inside my body.” — Leslie, on her blind date

“I’m back on the horse, and this horse is a lawyer, so I’m looking forward to riding it. No … wait.” — Leslie

30 Rock

“I know it’s a girl, Liz Lemon, because I yelled Susan B. Anthony at the moment of conception!” — Tracy, on his unborn child.

“She’s at the beach house alone. That’s the most divorced sentence I’ve ever heard.” — Jack

“Before you worked here were you an ass scientist because your ass blah, blah, blah, you get the point.” — Tracy, chatting up a woman at work

“I’m the actor James Franco damn it, and I’m in love with, and common law married to a Japanese body pillow!” — James Franco

“I want to be TGS’s Steve Nash: come down from Canada, work hard, make the black guy look good.” — Danny

“I won’t calm down! Women are allowed to get angrier than men about double standards!” — Liz

“Sir, I don’t mean to swear, but I’m irritated.” — Kenneth

“Here’s my problem with quidditch — if the snitch is worth 150 points, why even bother with the quaffle?”– Twofer

“Maybe Danny kissed a girl. Maybe that Russian dancer with the back tattoo. The trifecta.” — Jack
“That girl has a name, Jack. We call her Skankovitch.” — Liz

Modern Family

“Claire, this is a very delicate situation. If we don’t handle it right Luke could end up developing an unhealthy attitude about sex. Or agribusiness.” — Phil

“That’s hardly porn, it was a topless woman on a tractor. You know what they call that in Europe? A cereal commercial.” – Phil

“You’re not mad at me, you’re mad at the old balls and chain.” – Jay to Mitchell

“He comes when you need him. He’s like Batman, but straight.” – Cam, about their gardener

Better Off Ted

“Employees must now use offensive or abusive language in the workplace” — Memo from Veridian Dynamics to the entire company.

Choicest resulting insults:

“You big-eyed stick insect.”
“Back alley crab muffin”
“Tory-loving royalist”
“Sad jar of hobo urine”
“Your breasts should be displayed at the Swiss museum of miniatures”
“Naggity nag nag bitchy bitch”
“Your head looks like a lizard buttflap, you snot-wipe”
“Nice man-boobs for a panty-snatching steroid muncher”
“Douche nozzles”

The Simpsons

“The world may end in 2012, but this show won’t.” — from the blackboard gag at the beginning of the show

Leverage

“Cleavers. Haven’t done that in a while.” — Eliot

House

“Everyone in our building thinks we’re gay.” — Wilson
“We’re grown men over the age of 30 who moved in together. We’re two tigers away from an act in Vegas.” — House

“I need the drugs.” – House
“We’re in textiles.” – drug dealer
“I NEED THE DRUGS! (pause) Hm … it works for Jack Bauer.” – House

Photo Credit: IMDB

Quotation Marks – Mammograms, the Matrix, and the Metric System

Ivey West — Sun, 10 Jan 2010 16:00:42 +0000

Well, cats and kittens, it’s been quite a few weeks since your last installment of Quotation Marks. I could blame the turkey, mistletoe, and other seasonal excuses, but the truth is, there wasn’t much on TV to quote. This first week back marks a collection of quotes dating back to the last time we were all here. The good news is that I’ve probably missed a lot, so I’m depending on you to tell me all of the good stuff I’ve missed in the comments.

NCIS

“What is the range?” — Ziva
“Almost a kilometer.” — McGee
“I don’t speak Canadian; how far is that?” — Tony

Quotes from the Ether

“Okay, my sisters: mammos are NOT painful. Don’t be scared. Uncomfortable, sure, and your boobies look silly. But no pain.” — @TheAmyBrenneman proving that CBS weren’t the only ones out there doing creepy PSAs during the holidays

Dollhouse

“OK, am I the only one thinking we’re getting maybe a little too much of our intel from The Matrix … or possibly TRON, given the outfits?” — Topher

The Middle

“She’s boat show model pretty.” — Mike about Kate, Axl’s girlfriend

“What do you expect? I’m only in second grade.” — Brick, on the “C” Axl got on his Brick-written paper on Moby Dick

Modern Family

“She happens to like it. I don’t know if it’s the colors or the sounds… oh here comes the nightclub massacre, she loves it. Watch her little eyelids, it’s so cute, they get so heavy.” — Cameron, on letting their baby watch Scarface

“You’re quite the bullfight artist yourself.” — Jay to Manny’s Dad

Cougar Town

“For some reason I’m craving tea right now.” — Amy, after Bobby lifts a leg to prove his hospital gown was on backwards.

“Do you guys read Cathy?” — Laurie, on how single women have it harder than single men

Better off Ted

“It was the best elevator video since the soft core porn one about recycling.” — Ted, on the company produced elevator video

The Sing Off

“It is a scientific fact that all women love a well-placed falsetto.” — Shawn Stockman

Sanctuary

“You’ve turned what was supposed to be a symphony into rock and roll … French-Canadian rock and roll!” — Nikola

“Yeah, well, life’s a bitch, and then you don’t die.” — Nikola

Dexter

“If I were you I would give up vigilanteism — you’re not very good at it.” — Arthur Mitchell to Dexter Morgan

Photo Credit: CBS

My favorite Supernatural quotes

Debbie McDuffee — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 15:00:23 +0000

This winter hiatus of Supernatural’s is just wrong. It’s turned me into a weirdo, or even more of one than I already was. Last night, I literally went back through every one of my Supernatural virgin diary entries to re-live the episodes in capsulated form. Supernatural, I miss you, but I totally don’t have time to re-watch all past seasons before January 21.

While I still may re-watch some favorites, like “Mystery Spot” and “Ghostfacers!” — and really, who can make it through a holiday season without enjoying “A Very Supernatural Christmas” again? — somehow, through all the clingy obsession of last night’s romp, the episode quotes came leaping off the laptop screen at me, longing for a post of their own.

There are lots of sites dedicated to Supernatural quotes, but these are my favorites, suspiciously all from Dean (Sam relies more on situational comedy and facial expressions), and suspiciously none until season two (somehow I think there was a my bad in there somewhere, but maybe you could all help me out with some of your favorite season one quotes).

Season Two

Just after I typed into my notes that Dean lurking about was like Patrick Swayze in Ghost, Dean breaks the glass in John’s hospital room and says, “Dude, I full-on Swayze-ed that mother.” – Dean as a ghost

“Do you see me messing with crystals or listening to Yanni?” - Dean, when Tessa (the reaper in disguise) asks if he’s a new age-y guy

When Andy mind-controlled Dean into giving him the Impala: “He full-out Obi-wan-ed me!”

“It’s the Stay-Puft marshmallow man.” - Dean, upon finding ectoplasm

“That’s not school — that’s Schoolhouse Rock.” - Sam to Dean, when he asked if he ever paid any attention in history class

When Sam sees the “angel”: “OK, Ecstasy Boy, maybe we’ll get you some glow sticks and a nice Dr. Seuss hat.”

“You know, just once I’d like to round the corner and see a nice house.” - Dean

“Barbara Eden was hot, wasn’t she? Way hotter than that Bewitched chick.” - Dean, when Sam tells him they are probably dealing with a genie.

Season Three

“What’s in the box?” - Dean, like Brad Pitt in Seven

“God knows I’m going to be smiling after 24 hours with Gumby Girl … Gumby Girl. Does that make me Pokey?” - Dean

“Dude, could you be more gay?” - Dean to Sam, when he retells the story of Cinderella

“The hand of glory? I think I got one of those at the end of my Thai massage last week.” - Dean

“You know, when this is over, we really should have angry sex.” - Bella, upon seeing Dean in a tux
“Don’t objectify me.” - Dean

“You fudgin’ touch me again, I’ll fudgin’ kill ya.” - Dean to Mrs. God

“I had a weird dream.” - Sam
“Yeah? Clowns or midgets?” - Dean

Season Four

“I should look like a ‘Thriller’ video reject.” - Dean

“You were supposed to take care of her, not douche her up.” - Dean to Sam, when he sees Sam put an iPod jack in the Impala.

“I thought angels were supposed to be guardians — fluffy wings, halos … you know, Michael Landon, not dicks.” - Dean to Castiel

“Mom is a babe. I’m going to Hell. Again.” - Dean

“So you guys are like Mulder and Scully or something, and the X-Files are real?” - Jamie, guest bimbo
“No, The X-Files is a TV show; this is real.” - Dean

“I don’t want some giant, pissed off flaming teddy on our hands.” - Dean, when discussing how to take care of the bear

“An angel and a demon riding in the backseat. It’s like a setup to a bad joke. Or a Penthouse forum letter.” - Dean, driving with Anna and Ruby in the backseat of his car

“Strippers, Sammy, strippers. We’re on an actual case involving strippers. Finally.” - Dean

“First it’s Madison, then Ruby, now Kara. What is it with you banging monsters?” - Dean to Sam

Dean sticking his ghost hand into ghost Sam’s body:
“Dean, get out of me.” - Sam
“You’re such a prude.” – Dean

“You guys don’t walk enough. You’re going to start to get flabby.” - Dean to Castiel, after Uriel flies away

Season Five

“You gotta calm down.” - Sam
“Calm down? I’m wearing sunglasses at night!! You know who does that? No-talent douche bags! I hate this game! I hate that we’re in a procedural cop show and you want to know, to know why … because I hate procedural cop shows! There’s like 300 of them on television and they’re all the freaking same. It’s, ‘Oh, plane crashed here.’ Oh shut up!” - Dean

“I didn’t know what you were. Have you seen you? You look like….” - Sam
“The old chick from Titanic. I know, shut up.” - Old Dean
“I was going to say Emperor Palpatine.” - Sam

“Rhonda Hurley. She made us try on her panties. They were pink … and satiny … and we kind of liked it.” - Present Dean convincing Future Dean that he’s from the past

While last night I learned that Dean is truly the quote king, Bobby really gave him a run for his money in season four:

“I’m just wondering … the apocalypse nigh and all, is this really the right time to be having this little domestic drama of ours?” - Bobby

“Let me look it up in my demon detox manual — oh wait, no one ever wrote one.” - Bobby to Dean on how to help Sam

“Correct me if I’m wrong, but you willingly signed up to be the angels’ bitch? What? You prefer sucker?” - Bobby to Dean

“They’re supposed to make you miserable — that’s why they’re family!” - Bobby to Dean, about Sam

OK, and one from the first episode of season three: “Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.” — Bobby, from Animal House

And I can’t forget to include some classic quotes from characters that aren’t in the Winchester family circle:

“Hoard toilet paper. Hoard it like it’s made of gold.” - Future Chuck’s investment advice for Present Dean

“I need you to get a message to Sam and Dean. OK?” - Carver
“Look Mr. Edlund, yes I’m a fan, but I don’t appreciate being mocked. I know that ‘Supernatural’ is just a book, OK? I know the difference between fantasy and reality.” - Becky
“Becky, it’s all real.” - Carver
“I KNEW IT!” - Becky

“Did you really have to live through the bugs?” (“Yes.” - Dean) What about the ghost ship? (“Yeah, that too.” - Dean) I am so sorry. I mean, horror is one thing, but to be forced to live bad writing….” - Chuck the author

“Writing yourself into the story is one thing, but as a prophet? That’s like M. Knight-level douchiness.” - Chuck

“Don’t you recognize me? Oh, I forgot, I’m wearing a pediatrician.” - Alastair the demon, to Dean

“You gotta go be gay for that poor dead intern. You gotta send him into the light.” - Harry to Ed, on getting Corbett out of his death loop in season three’s “Ghostfacers!”

“Does anyone have a breath mint? Some guts got in my mouth while I was killing my way in here.” - Ruby

“Here’s Johnny!” - Pride Demon, from The Shining, in the opener of season three

Did I miss your favorite Supernatural quote? Share it with us in the comments.

Photo Credit: Sergei Bachlakov/The CW

Quotation Marks – Bazinga, Ice Bullets, and the Sue Sylvester Express

Ivey West — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 17:30:48 +0000

Its hard to imagine that we won’t be getting any new Sue Sylvester quotes until Glee comes back in April. She’s easily the most quotable new character on television (I don’t know how Julia will be able to get through the winter!), and this weekly column will miss her barbs, insults, and observations. But with shows like The Big Bang Theory and 30 Rock, I think we’ll muddle through!

Big Bang Theory

“Howard?” — Sheldon
“Yeah?” — Howard
“Your shoes are delightful. Where did you get them?” — Sheldon
“What?” — Howard
“Bazinga, I don’t care.” — Sheldon

“Can you just tell me what Leonard does?” — Penny
“Alright. Leonard is attempting to learn why subatomic particles move the way they do.” — Sheldon
“Really? That’s it? Well, that doesn’t sound so complicated.” — Penny
“It’s not. That’s why Leonard does it.” — Sheldon

“Tushie face? That is going on Twitter right now!” — Leonard

Quotes from the Ether

“10 cm let’s go! Just waiting for the dr to arrive and I’ll have myself a lil baby!” — @alainahuffman, proving that Twitter has infiltrated all parts of our lives

Castle

“I’m telling you … ice bullet.” — Castle
“No, bro. An ice bullet would still make a bullet hole.” — Esposito
“You mean ice hole.” — Ryan
“What did you call me?” — Castle

Glee

“You have to take it to get those Jewish baby tests!” — Quinn

“I am reasonably confident that you will be adding revenge to the long list of things that you’re no good at … right next to being married, running a high school glee club, and finding a hair style that doesn’t make you look like a lesbian.” — Sue

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. ‘Don’t Stop Believing’ is the most downloaded song in the history of iTunes.” — Head of deaf glee club

“Sex is not dating.” — Santana
“If it were, Santana and I would be dating.” — Britney

“Okay. I’m just gonna come out and say it. This is a singing competition. I don’t know how those deaf kids got in. They weren’t singing, they were like, honking, and everyone was crying and I was like, ‘Get off the stage. You’re terrible and you’re making me super uncomfortable.’” — Candace Dystra, Sectionals Judge

“You’ve just stepped aboard the Sue Sylvester Express. Destination: HORROR.” — Sue

Bones

“Are we doing experiments on Booth, because if so, I’d like to help.” — Angela

“Where’s your chest hair?” — Hodgins
“I’m highly evolved.” — Booth
“His pubic extension is entirely within normal…” — Bones
“Enough!” — Booth

“It’s an uncanny resemblance … You’re practically sisters.” — Max to Bones and her cousin, played by Emily and Zooey Deschanel

Parks and Recreation

“It’s gotten a lot harder to work in government. Do you think Winston Churchill ever had to pull down his pants and show people his butt?” — Leslie

30 Rock

“I’m sorry, are you being sarcastic? Canadians have a hard time recognizing it because we don’t have a large Jewish population.” — Danny

“You sing? Really? Because that’s kind of my thing. Next thing I know you’re going to tell me you’re really blond and have a urinary tract infection.” — Jenna

“That’s what religion is, K-Fed, just a bunch of rules made up to manipulate people. Why don’t Catholics eat meat on Fridays? I’ll tell you why — because the pope owns Long John Silver’s.” — Tracy

“…and then the person with the highest number gives the smallest gift to the tallest person. If they want to switch, they cannot, unless they do. Then everyone puts their head down except the murderer, oh wait that’s not right.” — Kenneth, going over the rules of his gift swap

“Can’t I just enjoy this while it lasts?” — Jack
“That’s what I said when that hot dog vendor passed out, but you made me go get help.” — Liz

“You know how hard it is to get teenagers out of bed in the morning.” — Nancy
“Yes, but not in the way you’re talking about.” — Jack

The Office

“I had the same exact idea for catching Osama Bin Laden. I would simply send him a different piece each day. He would assemble it and find himself … IN JAIL.” — Dwight

Community

“To me, religion is like Paul Rudd. I see the appeal, and I would never take it away from anyone, but I also would never stand in line for it.” — Jeffrey

“I’m so sick of the dean shoving his PC-ness down my throat!” — Shirley

Modern Family

“OK, but if this so-called Santa Claus doesn’t bring me a burgundy dinner jacket, we’re going to have a big problem.” — Manny

Cougar Town

“I can’t decide if you’re a really good dad or a really bad one.” – Travis
“I am both, and I am neither.” – Andy

“I’m going to go decide what your consequences are.” – Ellie
“Sounds like a plan.” – Andy
“Plus, I don’t want Stan to witness the murder of his father.” – Ellie
“That’s how Batman became Batman.” – Travis

“Oh my God, he must be a jeans model for that cheesy store.” – Laurie
“Or, he loves his body and lives his life shirtless no matter what anyone thinks. Like Matthew McConaughey. – Ellie

The Middle

“Oh right, I’m not organized! I have a pocket full of post-it notes that say otherwise!” — Frankie

Better off Ted

“What’s not to like? She’s gullible and she slept with you on the first date. If her mother’s not fat, you should throw a ring on it.” — Veronica to Ted on his new girlfriend.

“I haven’t gone balls out crazy in a long time, and it’s my favorite kind of crazy.” — Veronica

Dollhouse

“I never did a sister act … with food …. with cooking food.” — Echo

“I am obsolete. This must be what old people feel like. And Blockbuster.” — Topher, after seeing Echo switch imprints on her own

Photo Credit: CBS

Quotation Marks – Tophers, Thunderclaps, and Tattoos

Ivey West — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 18:43:48 +0000

In case you missed it, Dollhouse is back for its final run. With two Tophers, Joss Whedon definitely brought the funny. We also have a couple of Twitter quotes for you this week. The controversial Bones/Avatar experiment did yield some funny stuff, despite the little bit of whining (on my part) and the whole lot of whining on others about the choice to be a commercial. Unfortunately, though, boys and girls, only one more week of Glee quotes before they, and several other FOX shows, go on hiatus until late spring.

Dollhouse

“You’re a Doll.” — Perrin
“Thanks, you’re cute too.” — Echo

“Who’s your back door man?” — Victor-Topher
“I’ll pretend I didn’t say that.” — Real-Topher

Monk

“You’re going to kill a federal judge?” — Ethan Rickover
“Tonight, I’m the judge!” — Monk

“There’s going to be some vomiting, and then death.” — Doctor, to Monk, on his condition
“Is there any chance death could come before the vomiting?” — Monk

Quotes from the Ether

“I’m turning gay. Today. Out of solidarity. It’s every man’s fantasy, right?” — Amy Brenneman’s (via Twitter) response to the Gay Marriage bill falling in the New York Senate

“YES WE DID! I FEEL LIKE OBAMA. ONLY, YOU KNOW, WHITER AND FATTER AND
WITHOUT A NOBEL PRIZE…” — From Kurt Sutter (via Twitter), on reaching his goal of 5213 followers before the season finale of Sons Of Anarchy

Scrubs

“I don’t know what Orlando-based boy band rejected you, but you do what I tell you.” — Denise to Cole

The Middle

“It usually copies me, but sometimes … it doesn’t.” — Brick, about his reflection

“Are you getting a divorce?” — Sue
“Let’s see how this goes.” — Mike

The Office

“I miss Pam.” — Michael to Jim, in reference to Erin

“I have made some empty promises in my life, but hands-down that was the most generous.” — Michael, on Scott’s Tots

“In an ideal world I would have all ten fingers on my left hand so my right hand could just be a fist for punching.” — Dwight to Jim

“Hold on – they’re lithium!” — Michael, on the batteries he was giving the disappointed Scott’s Tots

Bones

“Who would notice that?” — Angela
“Me. I’m extraordinarily observant” — Bones

“Would you like to see my tattoos?” — Tattoo Girl
“Very much … I’ve always enjoyed calligraphy” — Sweets

“So [Fisher] pitched his tent when you didn’t?” — Hodgins
“By ‘pitch his tent’ you mean….? Yeah, that’s what he did.” — Sweets

“Who wants to know everything about peacock poop?” — Hodgins, to the rest of the Squint team

Glee

“Every year when photos for the Thunderclap come around, I elect to have a little work done. This year, I got a little eye lift. And while they were in there I told them to yank out those tear ducts. Wasn’t using them.” — Sue

“What’s a patriotic wedgie?” — Mercedes
“It’s when they hoist you up the flagpole by your undies.” — Finn
“Strangely, it did make me feel more American.” — Artie

Launch My Line

“All of a sudden my spirit was getting very offended. Yeah I guess I’m dramatic, but I was born on a volcano.” — Roberto

Community

“A man gets to a point where he stops looking for a place to hang his underwear and starts looking for a place to hang his hat.” — Pierce

“Annie, being a virgin in this day and age is something to be proud of. You’re like a unicorn.” — Shelley

“What in the reverse Porky’s is going on here?” — Security guard, catching Annie and the other girls peeking though a peephole at a nude male mannequin.

30 Rock

“You’re like a swarthy, big-hipped Kelly Ripa” — Jack to Liz

“I’ll do the Christmas shopping this year to prove to you I can be reliable and that I can finish everything that I…” -Tracy

“You seem nervous. I could give you some for that, but you know what, I’m not supposed to have sex with my patients.” — Dr. Spaceman

“Is it me, or is Liz Lemon getting hotter?” — Tracy, on Frank acting like Liz

White Collar

“I’ll admit I’ve done a lot of things in my life that I’m not proud of … No. No, that’s not true. I’m proud of most of them.” — Neal

Photo Credit: FOX

Quotation Marks – Beefcake calendars, threesomes, and large breasts … making the Puritans proud

Aryeh S. — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 19:38:02 +0000

Dreams came true for a lot of people this week. Seinfeld staged a reunion show on the season finale of Larry David’s Curb, Martha Castle is set to meet a calendar’s worth of firefighters, Ted and Robin were gifted a slap, and Cam got to dress up like a clown. Unfortunately for billions of turkeys, their dreams to make it to the weekend didn’t pan out. Plus, Thanksgiving being inconveniently on Thursdays and all, NBC lost a week of providing us with their always quote-worthy comedy line-up. Maybe next week they’ll bring double portions!

Castle

“Every student has a three-day voluntary internship at one of the city’s agencies: Law Enforcement, Sanitation, Fire…” – Alexis
“I’ll go with Fire — they have the best calendars.” – Martha

“Did that ever happen to you with me? One day you look and you see that your boy has all grown up?” – Castle
“I’m still waiting for that moment actually.” – Martha

“That was pretty cool, how you filled in the story there. I think I must be rubbing off on you … that sounded dirtier than I meant it.” – Castle, to Beckett

“A wife and fiance catfight — please can we stop for popcorn on the way?” – Castle

Cougar Town

“OK, excuse me … quick announcement. I’m about to bring Kylie in, so I need you all to act like normal human beings. (“boo”s from the family) I know it’s going to be hard, but I can help. Mrs. Torres, Kylie doesn’t have an eating disorder, she runs cross country; think of a new opening question. Mr. Torres, I don’t care how much you eat, let’s keep our pants buttoned. Laurie, your breasts are bigger than hers. There, I said it. You don’t need to tell her. Neighbor guy, I see you brought your fruity little guitar. Let’s keep that holstered. Mom, you have multiple problem areas, so when in doubt just say to yourself, ‘That’s a bad idea.’ Dad, I think we both know it’s best you don’t say anything.” – Travis

Curb Your Enthusiasm

“Whatever happened to ‘E’ for effort? ‘E’ for effort!” – Larry
“‘F’ for favor!” – Mocha Joe
“‘C’ for coffee!” – Jerry

“Do you respect wood?” – Larry to multiple people

“You have a three-legged goat here.” – Jerry to Larry, on Seinfeld without Jason Alexander

Glee

“I admit, I like a challenge as much as the next guy, but Rachel somehow manages to dress like a grandmother and a toddler at the same time.” – Kurt, on giving Rachel a makeover

“Most of the time I find it hard to be in the same room with you. Especially this one, which looks like where Strawberry Shortcake and Holly Hobbie come to hook up.” – Kurt, to Rachel

The Good Wife

“It’s not a three-way, it’s a threesome.” – Zach
“Yeah, but you can still say three-way.” – Grace
“No you can’t.” – Zach

How I Met Your Mother

“Life is short, I figured slap-e diem.” – Marshall, to Ted and Robin, on bequeathing them the fourth slap

The Middle

“Wait, wait, wait. So you’re saying that we’re working on Thanksgiving? Mr. Ehlert, that is just wrong.” – Frankie Heck
“Well so’s taking the country away from a bunch of Indians. But aren’t you glad we did?” – Don Ehlert

Modern Family

“We can’t get Luke a crossbow. He pokes himself in the eye every time he uses a straw.” – Gloria to Jay, about Luke’s birthday present

“People are going to stare. They’re not used to seeing one clown in a car.” – Cam

Ugly Betty

“Everything is not about fashion, Marc.” – Wilhemina
(Marc slaps her hard across the face)
(Glares for a long moment) “I will let that slide — because we both know I deserved that.” – Wilhelmina

Photo Credit: HBO

Quotation Marks – Recyclops smashes Al Gore and Greenzo, and Omarosa is hot again

Aryeh S. — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 19:00:54 +0000

This week was NBC’s annual Green Week. Which means that its peacock adopted the color green. Sure, The Office and 30 Rock did some conservation focusing (that’s all I watch on NBC so I can’t elaborate any further), but recycling old Al Gore moments don’t really cut it as far as quotes go — or as far as saving the Earth does. Instead, this week South Park went with science, The Middle chose to focus on the dangers of alcohol (bottles), and Castle raised the age-old question: is it a good idea for ex-cons to receive an accredited education in a field that will only enhance their criminal activities? Sure, if they’re funny.

30 Rock

“Drama is like gay man Gatorade … it repowers their electrolytes.” – Jenna

“Don’t worry, Jack, our topical cold open is about Omarosa borrowing Bjork’s swan dress.” – Liz

“Kenneth, I once took a low volume shower with Ed Begley Jr. What more can I do?” – Jenna, on going green

“Don’t talk to me like that. You look like a turtle who lost its shell.” – Liz, to Kenneth

The Big Bang Theory

“Moving to psychiatric disorders, list all major behavioral diagnoses, e.g. depression, anxiety, etc.” – Sheldon, taking Penny’s medical history
“Oh, my God; what the hell does this have to do with my stupid shoulder?!” – Penny
“Episodes of sub-psychotic rage.” – Sheldon (writing)
“Ass.” – Penny
“Possible Tourette’s.” – Sheldon (writing)

Castle

“I’ve always been good with locks. When I was in the joint, I was thinking, ‘How can I take this and make it more productive?’ You know? So I’ve been applying to locksmith schools. But, you know, they won’t let me in on account that I’m a felon. Can you believe that?” – Jessup to Castle and Beckett

Glee

“I don’t know why I find his stupidity charming. I mean, he’s cheating off a girl who thinks the square root of four is rainbows.” – Kurt, on Finn

House

“House is back in charge … and we’re treating a porn star.” – Foreman

How I Met Your Mother

“If you fall for that one, my heart breaks for you, but I’m sorry, you’re a Smoron.” – Robin about Barney’s SNASA playbook entry

The Middle

“Mom hit me with a beer bottle.” – Brick, after an errant throw from Frankie hits him in the arm

“You know all those times you wished someone would come and take your kids away? Well, the reality isn’t really as great as the fantasy.” – Frankie’s narration before the social worker shows up

The Office

“How is he gonna have grandkids?” – Dwight, about Oscar

Saturday Night Live

“Will you kiss me?” – Hu Jintao
“I don’t understand.” – President Obama
“I like to be kissed WHEN SOMEONE IS DOING SEX TO ME!” – Hu Jintao

South Park

“We’ve warned the owner of the park, but he refused to shut down. This was inevitable.” – Scientist
“So this is all pee related?” – Police Chief
“Yes. I tested the pH levels this morning.” – Scientist
“And?” – Police Chief
“It was almost all P. No H.” – Scientist

Photo Credit: NBC

Quotation Marks – Bilarious, bike-curious, and bagpiping

Ivey West — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 14:35:33 +0000

I have missed the Supernatural boat. Everyone tells me what a great show it is, but I’ve never taken the time. If this week’s lead quote is any indication, I sure am missing out. The week before the start of November Sweeps also brings us some good quotes from Modern Family and Community. Next week, however, I promise the return of Glee!

Supernatural

“You gotta calm down.” — Sam
“Calm down? I’m wearing sunglasses at night!! You know who does that? No talent douche bags! I hate this game! I hate that we’re in a procedural cop show and you want to know to know why … because I hate procedural cop shows! There’s like 300 of them on television and they’re all the freaking same. It’s, ‘Oh, plane crashed here.’ Oh shut up!” — Dean

30 Rock

“You’re setting him up to get it. You don’t think I know that trick. You don’t think I’ve been brought in on a million auditions just to make Kim Catrall seem grounded and human.” — Jenna, on Liz’s plan to get a new cast member hired.

“My mom used to send me articles about how older virgins are considered good luck in Mexico.” — Liz

“I’m not gay. I’m…bilarious!” — Homosexual man waiting on line to see Hugh Jackman

Community

“Listen… Randi can be the name of a guy or a girl. But in this case… it is definitely a girl.” — Troy

“I’m an artist. I write what I feel. And I feel that you suck.” — Vaughn

“TV’s the best dad there is. TV never came home drunk. TV never forgot me at the zoo. TV never abused and insulted me. Unless you count Cop Rock.” — Jeff

“I lived in my car for a stretch in the ’70s. Nothing like bedding on one in the vinyl backseat of a Skylark. Of course we didn’t have the same safety standards back then, so… no condoms. I tell you, before AIDS, sex was like shaking hands.” — Pierce
“Hence AIDS.” — Abed

Parks and Recreation

“Pawnee’s library department is the most diabolical and ruthless bunch of bureaucrats I’ve ever seen. They’re like a biker gang. Only instead of shotguns and crystal meth they use political savvy and shushing.” — Leslie

“It was like doing peyote and sneezing slowly for six hours… that woman really knows her way around a penis.” — Ron on sleeping with his ex-wife Tammi

Vampire Diaries

“I’m worse than shallow — I’m a kiddie pool.” — Caroline

“Unexpected surprise? I think the wrong brother went back to high school.” — Lexi to Damon

“Are you wearing polyester?” — Caroline to Bonnie after she gets zapped by her necklace

Modern Family

“And Mitchell is still upset because Claire quit the team right before some meet.” — Cam
“Some meet? The 13-and-under regional championship. Just the Emerald City at the end of my yellow brick road.” — Mitchell
“Oh, you did it.” — Cam
“What?” — Mitchell
“You made figure skating sound even gayer.” — Cam

“Last year you said basketball was going to be my sport.” — Luke
“Look, I’ve said a lot of things I wish I could take back, but I can’t.” — Phil

“It doesn’t matter to you because you had your own moments…. You had cheerleading and high school plays and making out with the quarterback….” — Mitchell
“Oh come on, you made out with him too.” — Claire

“That wasn’t angry talk?” — Jay
“No, that was happy talk.” — Gloria
“I’m beginning to see why there’s so much conflict on your continent.” — Jay

How I Met Your Mother

“That must be that tantric bagpiping that Sting is into … shut the bagpipes up.” — Ted to Robin, about the noisy “bagpiping” neighbors upstairs

”I’ll wash my manhood when I’m good and ready!” — Marshall

Greek

“I hate crickets. Ever since Pinocchio … they’re too bossy.” — Beaver

“Cappie, who do the Kappa Tau’s hate the most?” — Casey
“Ryan Seacrest. Oh no, no, no, wait, wait; Officer Huck.” — Cappie
“And who do the Omega Kais hate the most?” — Casey
“Liberals?” — Cappie

“We’re in.” — Evan
“Well, we’re in further.” — Beaver
“Do you have any idea what comes out of your mouth?” — Tripp
“No … do you?” — Beaver

“We’re all gonna go to girl jail, like those prison movies my boyfriend watches.” — ZBZer, after the fire

The Office

“I am not robbing the cradle … if anything, I’m robbing the grave.” — Michael, on dating Pam’s mom

South Park

“What would you call a straight man, who doesn’t own a Harley, but likes them and might buy one someday?” — Woman
“You call him bike-curious.” — Cartman

Photo Credit: CW

Quotation Marks – Batman, Emperor Palpatine, and sexy kittens

Ivey West — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 20:54:39 +0000

Halloween week on TV always is fun. Costumes, parties, and horror stories, oh my! This week wasn’t all about the Day of the Dead, however. We saw Derek buck the odds (and his boss) and perform a miracle like surgery, NBC cancel my favorite new show of year (Favorite show not named Glee that is), and the folks from Supernatural meet their future counterparts. And its not even November Sweeps yet!!

Community

“Batman.” — Jeff
“Yeah.” — Abed
“Are you staying for the party?” — Jeff
“If I stay, there can be no party. I must be out there in the night, staying vigilant. Wherever a party needs to be saved, I’m there. Wherever there are masks, or there’s tomfoolery and joy, I’m there. But sometimes I’m not, ’cause I’m out in the night, staying vigilant, watching, lurking, running, jumping, hurtling, sleeping. No, I can’t sleep. I don’t sleep. You sleep. I’m awake. I don’t sleep. I don’t blink. Am I a bird? No. I’m a bat. I am Batman … or am I? Yes, I am Batman. Happy Halloween.” — Abed

“Dia de los Muertos, or Day of the dead, is often referred to as Mexican Halloween.” — Annie
“Which is actually quite offensive to people familiar with “Mexican Halloween” as a sexual position.” — Mr. Chang

Greek

“My parents don’t celebrate Thanksgiving; they side with the Native Americans. And the turkey — they’re vegetarians.” — Cappie

“I care about old people … I watch Desperate Housewives.” — Rebecca

The Middle

“And I’m the one who needs testing.” — Brick to Frankie after Sue comes through chasing a tennis ball

“Ketchup packets?” — Mike
“They’re my security condiments; they soothe me.” — Brick

“It was fun. It was a little loud, but I got some reading done.” — Brick to Frankie, on how basketball was

The Office

“I want to sell your blood.” — Creed’s take on Dracula

“I’m not usually the butt of the joke; I’m usually the face of the joke.” — Michael

“I could get a fish for a five-cent worm.” — Michael
“Oh, you’re paying way too much for worms, man. Who’s your worm guy?” — Creed

Parks and Recreation

“Hey slutty teenaged girls dressed as sexy kittens, pump your own stomachs this year!” — Anne

The Vampire Diaries

“OK, Count Deepak.” — Damon to Stefan on his “we’re all our own person” speech to Vicki

“Why do I have to pee? I thought I was dead.” — Vicki

Modern Family

“Am I driving him to school or is he riding his burro?” — Jay to Gloria about Manny wearing his poncho to school

“Usually we just gave time outs.” — Claire to Mitchell, when he asked her if she ever banged her kids’ heads against the wall.

Supernatural

“I didn’t know what you were. Have you seen you? You look like …” — Sam
“The old chick from Titanic. I know, shut up.” — Old Dean
“I was going to say Emperor Palpatine.” — Sam

30 Rock

“Hey Tracy, did you hear? Fred Dawkins, the incredibly overweight guy that Pacman was based on died last night.” — Frank
“I will eat a bowl of cherries and some ghost meat in his honor.” — Tracy

“I”m not going to be pushed aside and forgotten, like that time at my sister’s funeral.” — Jenna

“Good God Lemon, your breath. When did you find the time to eat a diaper that you found on the beach?” — Jack to Liz

Dexter

“If my face was all over the media for shooting a cop and a Fed … I’d be digging a fucking hole all the way to China.” — Vince
“…” — Everyone Else
“No one fucking go there.” — Vince

Grey’s Anatomy

“Don’t worry … Being ditched by cancer wife won’t change my mind, you’re still a douche.” — Reed to Karev

“Today, if you become frightened, instead, become inspired.” — Isaac to Derek

Trauma

“You’re giving a naked co-ed a sponge bath in my copter?” — Marisa to Rabbit

Photo Credit: NBC

Quotation Marks – Ascots, belly buttons, and Crocs

Ivey West — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 15:40:25 +0000

This week’s column is a tribute to the new sitcoms network television has given us this season. Sure, we’ve still got some hour-longs in there (because you know I’m not going to let one of these posts go up with out some Glee love), but we’re mainly highlighting the the half hour comedies this time around.

Modern Family

“Why is she dressed like the Hamburglar?” — Mitchell, about his baby Lily

“I’ll tell you what’s weird. Our son is not weird. What’s weird is that her kid wears aftershave and dresses like a count.” — Claire, about Manny

“It’s not just the game. It’s the bands, and the drama and the pageantry.” — Mitchell
“Don’t forget about the team mascots.” — Cameron
“They wear ascots?” — Mitchell
“No, mascots, with an ‘m.’ That could have been very embarrassing.” — Cameron

“Claire likes to say you can be part of the problem or part of the solution. I happen to believe that you can be both.” — Phil

House

“He’s just agreeing with you because he wants to have sex with you. By the way, I agree with you too — especially in those pants.” — House to Cameron

“Can I tell you something? I wasn’t picking lint out of my belly button.”– House to Wilson

“You want to take this case because he’s another sad puppy. You should have been a vet.” — House to Cameron

“You do make me feel funny.” — House to Cuddy

“That’s not hate, it’s foreplay.” — intern to intern, about Cuddy and House

Community

“I think if you said ‘jump,’ he’d say ‘how high’. I think if you said ’stop’ he’d say ‘Hammertime.’” — Dean Pelton

Parks and Recreation

“Mark, I am so sick of moving like a slug. I want to move like a cheetah. Or a slug driving a remote controlled car. Well, maybe something more plausible than that, but fast.” — Leslie

Greek

“Someone without a college degree shouldn’t be so choosy.” — Dale to Lana

“Hi. Um, I have a friend of mine I’d like to introduce you to; his name’s Jesus. And he pays much greater dividends than those dollar bills in your underpants.” — Dale to a stripper

“Jesus knows how to party; dude makes his own wine.” — Dale to a KTer

“You know, some people appreciate my sense of humor.” — Evan
“Some people appreciate Crocs.” — Ashleigh

Glee

“I will go to the animal shelter and get you a kitty cat. I will let you fall in love with that kitty cat. And then on some dark cold night, I’ll steal away into your home and punch you in the face.” — Sue to Will

“I can’t do this.” — Rachel
“Why? We’re a couple of good-lookin’ Jews. It’s natural.” — Puck
“I can’t give myself to someone who isn’t brave enough to sing a solo. If you don’t have the guts to do that, how are you gonna be able to deal with the ups and downs of loving an admittedly high maintenance girl like me?” — Rachel
“Are you questioning my badassness? Have you seen my guns?” — Puck

“Know what the worst part is? It’s not the burning in your eyes or how the slushee drips into your underpants. It’s the humiliation.” — Puck

The Middle

“So, this Olivia, is she here right now?”– Mike to Brick when Brick announced that he was dating someone

“Great advice Axl; now I’m married, and we have a baby!” — Brick

“I’m not even sure if Rainbow Bright is mine.” — Brick

“Nobody ever has a record of Sue.” — Frankie

The Office

“That could have gone one of two ways. But I never expected her to get upset.” — Michael about Pam

“I am your boss, and I may someday be your father.” — Michael to Pam

“Did you really think I would put my primary listening device in a wooden mallard? I’m not insane.” — Dwight, showing the camera his pen recorder

30 Rock

“After the elections I could have gotten any ambassadorship I wanted, even to the world’s gayest country — Ireland.” — Devon

“In three days the headlines will read, ‘Jack Donaghy saves GE, comma, marries your mom.’” — Jack

“A book hasn’t caused me this much trouble since Where’s Waldo went to that barber pole factory!” — Tracy

“This isn’t the auto industry, Pete. The auto industry was run by a bunch of out-of-touch white guys selling consumers a product they didn’t want. We’re GE damn it, and we’re going to make a giant, flimsy microwave!” — Jack

The Venture Bros

“I can cross ’stab Hitler to death’ off my list of cool crap I thought I’d never do.” — Brock Samson

How I Met Your Mother

“OK, that’s it. [stands up on top of chair] Attention, Canada. I’m Barney, from America, and I’m here to fix your backward-ass country. Number one, get real money. [shows Canadian dollar bill] Don’t know what board game this came from, but it’s a [in French accent] joke. Number two, and this is a biggie, quit letting awesome chicks like Robin Scherbatsky get away because you know what, you don’t want her, I’m planting my flag in her, if you know what I mean — which you probably don’t — and getting her the hell out of here. You may now return to being pointless.” — Barney

Big Bang Theory

“Did that guy just say, ‘Revenge is a dish best served cold,’ in Klingon?” — Wil Wheaton
“I believe so.” — Stuart
“What is wrong with him?” — Wil
“Everyone has a different theory.” — Stuart

“I came here to defeat Wil Wheaton, the man who destroyed my dream, but I can’t defeat Wil Wheaton, the man who loved his memaw. [plays his card] Enchanted Bunny.” — Sheldon
“NOOOO!!!!! Not Enchanted Bunny!” — Raj
“I call my memaw ‘Nana,’ and she going to be very happy to hear my small rock kills your Enchanted Bunny. Game over, Moon Pie.” — Wil
“I … I don’t understand. Your grandmother’s alive?” — Sheldon
“You catch on quick. Come on, Stewie, let’s get our prize money.” — Wil

Photo Credit: CBS

Quotation Marks – Dockers, Tab-booty calls, and the letter R

Ivey West — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 18:03:16 +0000

Glee

[while hugging]
“I will destroy you.” – Will
“I’m about to vomit down your back.” – Coach Sylvestser
“It’s on.” – Will

“The independent polling company in my Dockers has confirmed that you’re the hottest girl in this school.” – Jacob

Community

“The only difference between Senor Chang and Stalin is that I know who Senor Chang is.” – Troy

Parks and Recreation

“That’s why people respect Hillary Clinton so much, because no one takes a punch like her. She’s the strongest, smartest punching bag around.” – Leslie

The Office

“Jim’s on his honeymoon, so I started using his office to fart in.” – Kevin

“R is among the most menacing of sounds. That’s why they call it murder and not mukduk.” – Dwight

30 Rock

“To TGS! We’ll trick those race-car-loving wide loads into watching your lefty, homoerotic propaganda hour yet!” – Jack

“I blame you and Dot Com; you two have built a protective shell around me like a hermit crab or mermaid booby, and now I’ve lost touch with the common man!” – Tracy to Grizz

“Has anybody seen my wallet? It’s an L.L. Bean child’s wallet from the 1970s. There was no money in it, but I was one hole-punch away from a free tasty delight…. Damn it to hell, I hate my life!” – Liz

“Hey dudes, I’m organizing a viral protest on Tweeter and Youtubes.” – Lenny Wozniak, undercover at the Page strike.

Greek

“Comic Conventions are crawling with hotties, everybody knows that.” – Dale

“Dale Kettlewell is in a relationship with God.” – Dale’s new profile relationship status

NCIS

“What is blue, black, and red?” – Ziva
“Zebra in a blender.” – Tony
“That’s black, white, and red all over.” – McGee
“Newspaper.” – Tony
“Penguin with a sunburn.” – McGee
“Nun falling down stairs.” – Tony

The Middle

“That’s why we taught you to walk.” – Mike’s response to Axl on what he’s to do if he doesn’t get his license for lack of practice

“Don’t do anything sexual; boys hate that.” – Mike to Sue, on attracting boys

Modern Family

“During my vows to my first husband, drug dealers burst in and assassinated the judge. This was way worse.” – Gloria, on “The Incident”

“I’m about to embark on a new journey.” – Dede
“Really?” – Mitchell
“His name is Chaz, and he’s asked me to come live with him in his foreign land.” – Dede
“Wow, where?” – Mitchell
“Canada. French Canada.” – Dede

“There’s a fish that swims around with babies in its mouth. That fish would look at Mitchell’s relationship with his mother and say, ‘that’s messed up.’” – Cameron

“The first time I saw Hailey, I knew I liked her. I mean, she’s beautiful and everything, but it’s not just that. She’s got this killer confidence, you know, the kind of confidence you get from having a family like this that’s passionate and accepting of hot foreigners, and gay dudes, and nutty people. You know, a family that actually loves each other.” – Dylan

How I Met Your Mother

“One thing. Really? You gave me one thing? Wow, so I guess that Gouda just walked itself right through that door, sliced itself up, and arranged itself in the perfect semi-circle around not three, not four, but five different kinds of sturdy, cheese-bearing crackers?” – Marshall
“You’re a sturdy, cheese-bearing cracker” – Lily

“Hey, remember that weird couple down the hall? With the ferrets? Maybe we can give them a call and see if they want to come over and play Taboo.” – Barney
“After midnight? No way, we can’t Tab-booty call them. That’s pathetic.” – Robin

Dancing With The Stars

“Your dancing is like the economy. Every week you are supposed to be getting better, but nothing happens.” – Bruno Tonioli, on Michael Irvin’s performance

Photo Credit: FOX

Quotation Marks – Special Weddings, Swimfan, and seminars

Ivey West — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 14:53:24 +0000

The week that NBC proved to everyone that they don’t care about hour long dramas anymore, they at least gave Jim/Pam ’shippers the moment they’d been waiting for, a very special Wedding on The Office. Matt Damon showed up on the Entourage finale, and got a good one in on Drama. And Glee proves that it is easily the most quotable show on television today.

The Office

“What are you doing?” — Oscar
“I’m trying to decide if I have time to pee.” — Kevin
“How long do you take to pee?” — Oscar
“The peeing is fast, Oscar. It’s getting my tie back on.” — Kevin

FlashForward

“I’m the CEO of the airline. All the executives are taking flights today, to prove to the customers that the skies are safe again.” — CEO
“How’s that working out for you?” — Zoey
“Gangbusters. Another scotch” — CEO

Psych

“Imagine Robert Goulet dressed like Mr. Bean playing the scarecrow in a summer stock production of The Wizard of Oz dedicated to Tony Randall.” — Stewart, the client, describing Lassiter

“Why are you reading that file like Mr. Peanut?” — Shawn to Lassiter, who was sporting a monocle

“This could be a matter of life and death… or mange.” — Shawn, trying to convince Jules to send some hair to the lab

Modern Family

“I’m all about taking it to the next level.” — Phil
“Really? Because I thought you were all about keeping it real.” — Claire
“Yeah, but you keep it real so you can take it to the next level, didn’t you know that?” — Phil

Glee

“I can’t get Rachel out of my head. She kind of creeps me out in that Swimfan sort of way, but she can really sing and her body’s smokin’. If you’re not into boobs.” — Finn

“Look at us. You pregnant and me with psoriasis and one testicle that won’t descend. I don’t know who to feel more sorry for.” — Ken Tanaka to Terri

“While the boys chose a selection of songs that casts an eye inward to reflect the hunger of today’s modern teens, we’ve chose a selection of songs that speaks to the nation as a whole during these troubling times of economic uncertainty and unbridled social roil, because if there are two things America needs right now, it is sunshine and optimism. And also, angels.” — Rachel

“Do yourself a favor, honey, and marry Ken Tanaka. Oh, sure, he’s dumb like sand, and his fondue pot of nationalities is going to open your kids up to a host of genetic diseases. But he’s kind, and he’s generous, and he’s available.” — Terri to Emma

Cougar Town

“You can’t use the same person for both things. One’s a gardener and the other’s an artist.” — Jules on waxing eyebrows and the bikini area

How I Met Your Mother

“Yes, totally. Only thing, I like my testicles attached to my body rather than rolling around next to some eyeliner in Robin’s purse.” — Barney to Ted, about changing to be a better boyfriend to Robin

“It’s funny, when you date someone it’s like you’re taking one long course on who this person is, and when you break up all that stuff becomes useless. It’s the emotional equivalent of an English degree.” — Ted

House

“I’d rather have a pinprick on my conscience than the death of her family members.” –Cuddy to Cameron about taking blood from one of Dibala’s coerced people.

“I need you to spread your legs so I can do an ‘H’.” – House to Cameron as he’s miming the diagnosis to Foreman

“I’d stand outside your window with a boombox all night but you told me you hate ’80s music.” –Foreman to Thirteen as he tries to make up with her

Entourage

“I’m out of the business.” — Drama
“Were you in the business?” — Matt Damon

“Yeah, he must have slipped out. But I can see the brochures opened up here on the table.” — Drama
“Put him on the fucking phone, John.” — Matt Dmaon
[Hands phone to Vince] “Sorry, he Jason Bourne-ed me.” — Drama

“I … I represent Jon & Kate Plus 8!” — Talent agent at Ari’s old (and now new) firm
*pow pow pow pow pow pow* — Ari’s paintball gun

Californication

“Have you taken the sexual harassment seminar yet?” — Felicia, after Hank says something offensive
“Yeah, I had Jill take it for me online. What? It’s like traffic school!” — Hank

“I may be easy, but I am not sleazy.” – Hank

Next Iron Chef

“I’m not even sure how to get at it. The thing’s like a weapon.” — Chef Farmerie on his secret ingredient, Durian.

Photo Credit: NBC

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