Even months before FOX’s Dollhouse premiered, campaigns to save the show appeared on the Internet. Still haunted by the memories of the treatment their beloved Firefly received by the very same network, Whedon fans were desperate to see their master’s new work last. In some ways they were right to be scared. News of the pilot being reshot caused alarm bells to sound, especially when it seemed to be against Joss’s plans. Yet, the show did make it to not only air, but it carried out the complete season and got a surprising renewal.

During its first season, those “Save Dollhouse” campaigns were little heard from. Apparently, even the ratings not being so hot — and the show in danger of not getting a second season pickup — didn’t worry the fans. The renewal was granted, and there was much celebration. And Dollhouse was no longer in need of being saved.

Jump to season two, and after only two episodes, the Save Dollhouse campaigns are at it again. Petitions are posted and Twitter avatars are changed in hopes they’ll change the minds of the FOX powers-that-be, should they be sharpening their hatchet. There’s good reason for them to think it might be in danger: it IS in danger. I mean, come on, those are pitiful ratings. And you know what? It deserves those ratings.

Yes, I said it. It deserves those ratings. Because it stinks. Don’t blame its position on Friday night. Don’t blame FOX. Because, until we hear evidence to the contrary, you can blame Joss Whedon for this.

Dollhouse getting a second season was a surprise to many. Hell, I know I was surprised, but I was happy. I was happy that, with a new season ahead of him, Joss could make this show what he wanted it to be. He wouldn’t be forced to do what the networks wanted him to. Since its first season was iffy in the ratings, and more time had been put into understanding what a Friday audience likes to see, I had full faith that Joss could bring season two in with a BANG. I had faith it would excite fans and would give reason for new viewers to see what all the fuss was about. And he failed us.

That first episode of the second season was Joss’s (and FOX’s) chance to bring new life to the show. They had a prime opportunity to deliver a season premiere that kicked all kinds of major ass and kept people on blogs, Twitter and in lunch rooms talking for days. Instead it went ahead and showed the talented Amy Acker the door and nearly put people to sleep. Are you kidding me?

Close your Dollhouse petition books. Change back your avatars to something with a more noble cause. Dollhouse does not deserve saving. I say that Joss Whedon needs saving, because whatever alien that is eating that man’s brain has caused him to allow Dollhouse to taint his otherwise awesome resume. He shouldn’t be pushing out stuff like this! He cannot be. He’s been kidnapped and a doppelganger is in his place, I tell you. There’s an alien disguised as a hoodie attached to his back, or Topher wiped the man’s mind and forgot to flip the funny bit when he reflashed his brain.

Somebody, please save Joss Whedon from Dollhouse. FOX, go ahead and swing that ax so that it cuts the alienesque umbilical cord from the creature in Joss’s head that it’s feeding, and allow him to give us what we know he’s capable of, like Buffy, Firefly and Dr. Horrible. If there is hope for Joss — and all the rest of us — this Friday will be the last we see of a show that just needs to be sent to the attic.

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I just wanted to drop a line and congratulate you on basically turning Sunday nights on FOX into “Seth Sundays.” I don’t think the monopolization of a network by one person has been done since Aaron Spelling dominated ABC during the 1970s and ’80s. Of course, being the king of the Animation Domination, you are subject to criticism as well as compliment. So, I’d like to give you both.

First, the compliment. I missed much of last season’s Family Guy, so I don’t know if your tribute to the SuperFriends was done already. However, since it was new to me, I’m going to give you a virtual high-five for the intro to Sunday night’s episode. I know you’ve done this before with, for instance, your little vignette featuring the Jetsons, but I haven’t seen it done in the intro. My favorite moment was replacing the Wonder Twins intro with a simple, deadpan “Meg.”

By the way, so far so good on the season. Sure, the jokes are stolen (greatest form of flattery), and some of Peter’s antics are getting stale, but you’ve had two solid episodes. It was strange to see the gang drinking at The Drunken Clam without Cleveland, and it will be interesting to see if you bring in another semi-normal character to your flagship series. I’m looking forward to your Empire Strikes Back parody later in the season.

Now, onto The Cleveland Show. It’s different, but good. I don’t know if you’re keeping the craziness down as the series warms up, but I like that you’re injecting a saner feeling into this show that we saw back in the early days of FG. Cleveland is less manic and a bit more stable than Peter (who’s a walking time bomb) and he fits well into his new family. Hopefully we’ll get to see some more interaction with his new drinking buddies (at The Broken Stool — I see a pattern) as well as Cleveland starting a new job.

If there’s one thing wrong with The Cleveland Show it’s the patented Seth MacFarlane vignettes; they don’t work here. The broad comedy, the sex jokes, the potty-mouthed toddlers who like to see up other toddlers’ dresses … they’re all okay. But, because this is more of a genuine family comedy, rather than a slapsticky, Salvador Dali-like comedy such as Family Guy, the vignettes really slow the story down. Maybe you can reinsert them in a few seasons when the rhythm of the show changes.

That’s it, Seth. Keep up the good work! And, I’ll see you in a few seasons when you take over the entire FOX schedule.

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What the hell, dude? You know, there was a time that most of us, including myself, felt bad for the way your wife treated you. You were definitely the victim as Kate ripped you a new one for things like not using a coupon for drapes (in your new million-dollar house, which makes absolutely no sense at all). We were there for you, man! Guy Power all the way!

Then you changed. You started thinking with your other head, and everything went downhill from there. All of a sudden, Kate became Mother Teresa while you became an, well, an asshat. Now your asshattiness continues with this stupid little stunt of halting production on Jon & Kate Plus 8 because you were basically fired from the show. Very mature, Jon.

Granted, halting filming of the show is the best thing ever to come out of this entire divorce proceeding. I’ve said dozen of times before that the show needs to end sooner than later because it does nothing for the audience or your family. However, I wanted that decision to be made by either you and Kate together, TLC, or the advertisers who could no longer stand either of you or the network (which I hate, by the way). I didn’t want it done by some sort of cease and desist order that came from a person who talks out of both sides of his mouth.

Yes, Jon, I’m talking about you. You were more than happy to record segments for Jon & Kate less than one week ago. Now that you’ve practically been reduced to cameo appearances on Kate Plus Eight, you’ve suddenly had the epiphany that the reality show is bad for your kids. No shit, Jon! This is what the rest of America, and the world, has been saying for 10 months now!

Are you finally coming to the realization that you’ve been acting like a douche and that you need to reel it in to show everyone your a good father? I think it’s a bit too late for that now since numerous media outlets have shown you partying it up, expressing your love for another woman right after your divorce was announced, and doing other non-dad things. Pretty nice to have that freedom while the rest of us dads are actually doing stuff with their kids on a daily basis, isn’t it? Sorry, Jon, but it doesn’t work for us anymore.

I really don’t know what to do about you or Kate at this point. Perhaps, like we do with a child in the middle of a temper-tantrum or the Klingons do with their guilty, we should just ignore you until you go away. That may be the only way for you and Kate to sit down, realize what total idiots you’ve been, and actually start parenting your children who have been damaged by both your divorce and the media coverage. If we continue to watch with morbid curiosity I think we’re going to do more damage than good.

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Dear Detectives Esposito and Ryan,

I am writing this letter to sincerely apologize for not learning your names sooner. This week’s episode of Castle really helped cement your names for me, since this is the second episode in a row where you each actually had lines.

I’m almost embarrassed to admit it, but I kind of thought of you both as one guy. Neither of you had a distinct personality to me, so I just melded you into one semi-useless sidekick in two bodies. Paying the both of you for that role really wasn’t in the best interest of the producers, so I’m glad they started to delineate the differences between you.

Ryan, I now know that you have a significant other who enjoys warm milk before bed. And Esposito, you call just about everyone (except Beckett) “Bro.” It’s not much, but I’m confident I’ll learn more about you both as the season progresses.

Incidentally, “The Double Down” was one of my favorite episodes of Castle to date, and I have to give you both a little credit for that. As fun as it is to watch Castle and Beckett go at it, we’ve now gotten to see the interplay more between both of you and Castle, and it works. I’m all for a little fun and games at the precinct, and knowing both of you a little better made for a more entertaining episode, so thanks.

Again, I’m sorry it took me more than a season to learn your names, and if you keep giving me the fun you did in this week’s episode, I’ll never forget them.

Sincerely,

Debbie, a fan of Castle, Esposito, and Ryan

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Dear TLC,

I hate you. Not just a figurative hate, either. This is a hate that begins at the bottom of my toes and extends to the tips of whatever hair remains on my head. It’s a hatred I save for reality shows, Rush Limbaugh, and According to Jim. In other words, things that will just. Not. Die.

You now have one of those at your network: Jon & Kate Plus Eight. After a few seasons of fake love, Jon & Kate Gosselin now hate each other as much as I hate you. Yet, the show lives on with constant new episodes where Kate and the girls visit a tea party while Jon and the boys go to a strip joint pick up a new “mommy.” This, despite the fact that fewer and fewer people are watching the show as the negative press mounts. By this time, you would think Jon & Kate would be gone off the schedule and replaced with The Real Garbage Collectors of Weehawken.

Unfortunately, this isn’t the case.

Instead of letting the show die a peaceful death, you’ve decided to rebrand it. So, come November 2nd, viewers are going to tune into Kate Plus Eight. Yes, after a few episodes where Jon tried to get the kids to make horrendous outfits for his new clothing line, TLC decided that Jon presence would be reduced, which is reality TV-speak for “Jon’s a liability to us now.”

Instead, Kate Plus Eight will focus on Kate Gosselin as she copes with being a single mother. A single mother with a cook, a nanny, a hairdresser, a make-up artist, a number of corporate sponsors, and some guy who sweeps the path that she walks on. You know, the way that normal single mothers handle their lives on a daily basis. The reason for the title change, according to TLC, was that the show was going in that direction anyway. So, might as well get rid of Jon’s name before November Sweeps in order to bring in all those female-based advertisers.

TLC, I have just three words for you: Give. It. Up. Five words if I add: Stupid. Idiots. How much more can you milk this franchise (apparently, a lot) before it dries up like a relationship commitment to Jennifer Aniston? Soon enough, we’re going to have Plus Eight, as Kate decides to flee the country and marry her bodyguard boyfriend while the twin girls and their sextuplet siblings try to struggle on their own (along with their wacky uncle and ditzy aunt, of course). Eventually, the kids will end up on other reality programs, such as Intervention, Cops, America’s Most Wanted, and for some reason, The Rachel Zoe Project.

Please, just end the show so everyone at Gosselin House can heal themselves and try to figure out how the hell this all happened. Don’t worry, I’m sure there’s another family of multiples that are ready and willing to have their lives taken apart on camera. Just have some patience.

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Dear Dark Blue-ers,

What the hell? I mean, I’m sorry to use such harsh language with you, but what the hell?

I’ve been writing about this show all season; I’ve posted reviews for every episode that’s aired in this, Dark Blue’s first year. And my comprehensive coverage has garnered about six comments from beginning to end, most having to do with either The Practice, or “next week on Leverage” promos. Nevertheless, I diligently chronicled this fantastic show, because we are the counterculture, and Dark Blue is our sun. Or something along those lines.

At the same time, I mind the suggestions that come from CliqueClack headquarters about what types of features and posts we’ve been light on of late. With the convergence of one such notice, and the season finale of the still un-renewed Dark Blue, I decided to conduct a poll following my finale review. And what did I discover?

That in less than two weeks, 200 plus of you voiced your opinions about whether or not you’re excited to see the show come back (98% love it). So, where’ve you been???

I’m certainly not blaming you (I am eyeballing the three people who didn’t like the show, though), but maybe it was our collective muted enthusiasm that got Dark Blue in its current predicament — I include myself so as not to merely shame you.

Now, I’m no movement organizer, just someone holding a tiny bullhorn. I have faith that Dark Blue will be back next season, because — besides the fact that it’s completely awesome — while its numbers were worse than the recently canceled Saving Grace, its audience retention (following Leverage) was better than Grace’s (following The Closer). What that says to TNT about scheduling, I’m not sure, but it does tell me that Dark Blue can hang onto an audience if it has the right one there when it starts. Maybe it would do better paired with The Closer?

Anyway, my point is this: when we do get our undercover unit back next year, let’s not take it for granted. Let’s gab it up, chew over the gang’s sagas, and generally make some noise. There’s plenty of chitchat going on amongst those Leverage geeks; let’s get some of that team spirit going in our corner. I know at least 200 of you are interested, and I expect to hear from each and every one of you come season two.

You can also start making up for your season one silence by helping me with a little project of mine: hunting down the three people who voted against the grain … they’re ruining the poll’s statistics!

Sincerely,

Dark Blue’s Chief Spirit Coordinator (that’s more manly than Head Cheerleader, right?)

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Dear Army Wives scribes,

What the mother of crap (Friends!) was Sunday night’s episode? A flashback episode … other people’s flashbacks, with our actors playing other roles? Really? Did you forget the high-pitched drama at the end of last week when Joan got “the call?”

I can’t imagine a single reason for this divergence, other than that it was aired out of sequence. Even so, what was your point? To show us how wives lost their husbands in World War II? Part of me is saying, “Just watch as this random episode comes back to play a major role in what’s to come before this season ends.” Even if that’s true, it does nothing for me now.

You didn’t even get creative, except maybe by having Terry Serpico (Frank) classified 4F and Catherine Bell (Denise) be in the Air Force. What might have made the hour worth it is if you’d switched up partners. They were playing other people anyway, so why did Brian McNamara (Michael) and Kim Delaney (Claudia Joy) still need to be a couple? I think McNamara and Brigid Brannagh (Pamela) might be interesting together….

Plus, what, we’re to believe that “our” characters were all defenders of black rights back in the 1940s? I think it stretches the realm of possibilities to imagine that it was all of them against the world, and I think honest viewers would have appreciated realism over political correctness.

Look, I’ve spent much of this third season struggling with how you decided to grow and evolve the characters and their stories. I still think there are some missing links, but overall I feel as if you’ve finally settled solidly into the familiar, albeit new for this show, territory of family drama. So why the vacation this week?

Like I said above, Joan is imminently deploying. Pamela has just realized that Chase was tortured (as incredulous as it is for her to have figured it out), Claudia Joy is finally coming to terms with her diabetes (eh), Denise is training for a new career, awaiting Jeremy’s return, and really clicking with Frank, Trevor and Roxy are going to start trying to get pregnant…. Did it really seem like the time to take a week off?

I know it’s tough to write for a 20 episode season (poor babies), but you had to come up with this crap, no? Why not have applied those creative juices to continuing the stories we’ve been watching these last few months? Like I said, I don’t know if there’s a bigger picture here, but the little picture is really, really bad. Don’t waste the next three weeks, too.

Sincerely yours,

Disgruntled

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So, like everyone I know is totally hyped about the new season of How I Met Your Mother (well, except for CJ, but do people from Chicago count?). The speculation is that the show’s seminal question, exactly how Ted met his wife, will finally be answered this year, so, you know, there’s that. Lily and Marshall are set to … erm … experience some kind of growth … or something.

However, if you’re smart (or in my case, sheep-like), the real promise this season is the Robin/Barney relationship. It’s been building slowly for a while now (all the way back to the first season, if you read the tea leaves the right way), and now we’re expecting to get this great payoff. Robin is so independent and anti-commitment, and Barney is just all … well … Barney.

But, I’ve seen the previews  for next season … And I’ve got to say: “Barbin?” Really?

I actually went through some possibilities recently. I mean, if you’re not going to have any fun with it, then I’ve got to say that “Robney” is the cooler option. Its kinda like Romney, which is either good for either a nice call out, or, you know, laughter, depending on which side of the political spectrum you sit. Also, “Barbin” just kinda sounds stupid. Sorta like “bargain” but … not?

Yes, I do have a suggestion. I wouldn’t just bash your work without having an alternative direction for you to go (OK, I totally would, but that’s not the point). Just another name that I would float that you use in your (surprisingly infrequent) commercials during Sunday football. Are you ready?

“Swarlin”

Coolest celebrity name mashup ever. Why? Dude, it references Swarley. THE Swarley. Swarlos … Swarles Barkley … Bob Swarley. You can’t make up your own nickname, but if you’ve got Swarley, how can you not run with it? Combine that with Robin, and you’ve got promo gold, baby.

Sincerely,

Me

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Thank you for your stroke of brilliance in appointing Ellen DeGeneres as your new fourth judge. You’ve just taken a huge step to make your show not only a fun singing competition, but a hilarious one. I’m not talking about Paula Abdul hilarious. We’ll be laughing with this new judge, not at her.

Picture this: instead of laughing at the trickle of drool shimmering down Paula’s chin, or the dancin’ crazy antics that she sported, even for the ballads, viewers will be chuckling along with Ellen’s jokes. Yep, she’s going to be irreverent, and she’ll be making fun of the contestants. But therein lies the beauty.

You know, I was considering not even watching American Idol in its upcoming season. I just didn’t think anything could be offered that I hadn’t already seen. I think I may be wrong. Kara’s bikini stunt during the finale was pretty awesome, I’ll admit, but there was nothing that was making me look forward to the competition, until now.

I love, love, love that you’ve added a fourth judge, and that it is Ellen DeGeneres.

Sincerely,

Debbie, a half-assed fan who just may tune in to see it all play out

(Official FOX press release follows….)

—

ELLEN DEGENERES JOINS “AMERICAN IDOL” AS NEW JUDGE

Emmy Award-winning talk show host Ellen DeGeneres has joined AMERICAN IDOL as a fourth judge. DeGeneres will sit alongside Simon Cowell, Randy Jackson and Kara DioGuardi and offer her own unique perspective to the contestants throughout the competition.

The ninth season of AMERICAN IDOL premieres January 2010 on FOX. DeGeneres will join the judges’ panel after the auditions, which will feature appearances by guest judges Victoria Beckham, Mary J. Blige, Kristin Chenoweth, Joe Jonas, Neil Patrick Harris, Avril Lavigne, Katy Perry and Shania Twain.

“I’m thrilled to be the new judge on AMERICAN IDOL,” said DeGeneres. ”I’ve watched since the beginning, and I’ve always been a huge fan. So getting this job is a dream come true, and think of all the money I’ll save from not having to text in my vote.”

“I could not be more excited to have Ellen join the AMERICAN IDOL family,” said creator and executive producer Simon Fuller. “Ellen has been a fan of the show for many years, and her love of music and understanding of the American public will bring a unique human touch to our judging panel. I can’t wait for this next season to begin.”

“We’re all delighted to have Ellen join our ninth season of AMERICAN IDOL,” said executive producer Cecile Frot-Coutaz. “Beyond her incredible sense of humor and love of music, she brings with her an immense warmth and compassion that is almost palpable. She is one of America’s foremost entertainers, and we cannot wait to have her join our team.”

Mike Darnell, President of Alternative Entertainment for FOX added, “We are thrilled to have Ellen DeGeneres join the AMERICAN IDOL judges’ table this season. She is truly one of America’s funniest people and a fantastic performer who understands what it’s like to stand up in front of audiences and entertain them every day. We feel that her vast entertainment experience – combined with her quick wit and passion for music – will add a fresh new energy to the show.”

A beloved television icon and entertainment pioneer, DeGeneres’ distinctive comic voice has resonated with audiences from her first stand-up comedy appearances through her work today on television, in film and in the literary world. DeGeneres has made a home for herself in the daytime arena with her hit syndicated talk show, “The Ellen DeGeneres Show.” The show, now entering its seventh season, won the Daytime Emmy for Outstanding Talk Show Host four years in a row and has earned a total of 29 Daytime Emmy Awards.

DeGeneres was recently included in Forbes’ Top 5 “Most Influential Women in Media” and was voted “Best Daytime Talk-Show Host” by Parade.com readers. In addition, DeGeneres has been voted “Favorite TV Personality” by The Harris Poll’s annual favorite television star list beating out Oprah Winfrey and Jay Leno. DeGeneres was included in MSNBC’s “Power players who shape your TV habits.” DeGeneres also was honored with Television Week’s Syndication Personality of the Year and voted No. 1 in Oxygen’s “50 Funniest Women Alive” special in the company of such comedic legends as Carol Burnett and Lily Tomlin and has been included in TIME’s 100 Most Influential People.

DeGeneres had the honor of hosting the highly rated 79th Annual Academy Awards and was nominated for a Primetime Emmy Award for Outstanding Individual Performance In A Variety or Music Program. This follows her 2005 stint hosting the Primetime Emmy Awards, which marked her third time hosting the show. Her performance hosting the 2001 award show garnered her rave reviews for providing a perfect balance of wit with heartfelt emotion to the post-September 11 telecast audience. DeGeneres won an American Comedy Award for her inaugural effort hosting the show in 1994. Additionally, DeGeneres co-hosted AMERICAN IDOL’s very successful IDOL GIVES BACK special that raised money for children in extreme poverty in America and Africa.

In 2008, DeGeneres became the newest face for CoverGirl. The national print and commercial campaign for Simply Ageless Foundation premiered in December and the product quickly became No. 1 in the marketplace, outperforming expectations. DeGeneres partnered up with American Express in 2005 where she appeared in their ad campaign “My Life, My Card,” including a national commercial and a print campaign. DeGeneres later appeared in the national commercial “My Life Goal: to work with animals” which won a Primetime Emmy Award.

Prior to the launch of her talk show, DeGeneres scored simultaneous achievements on stage, film and in the literary world. She enjoyed unprecedented popular and critical response to her character, Dory, the fish with extreme short term memory, in the blockbuster animated feature film, “Finding Nemo.” At the same time, DeGeneres crossed the country on a 35-city stand-up comedy tour, entitled the “Here and Now” tour. Her stop at the famed Beacon Theater in New York was turned into an HBO special and was subsequently nominated for two Emmys. Finally, in October, Simon & Schuster published DeGeneres’ second book, “The Funny Thing Is….,” comprised of the author’s comedic short stories and essays. The book hit the New York Times’ Bestseller list upon its release. In 2005, DeGeneres was nominated for a Grammy Award for Best Comedy Album for the audio version of the book. Her first book, “My Point…And I Do Have One,” published in 1995, debuted at No. 1 on the The New York Times bestseller list.

DeGeneres’ career began as an emcee at a local comedy club in her hometown of New Orleans, which led to national recognition in 1982 when her videotaped club performances won Showtime’s “Funniest Person In America” honor. When DeGeneres moved to Los Angeles she filmed her first HBO Special, “Young Comedians Reunion,” then in 1986 “Women of the Night.” That same year, DeGeneres scored a first by becoming the first female comedian to be summoned by Johnny Carson to sit down with him after her performance. In 1989, DeGeneres received a Cable Ace nomination for her “Command Performance: One Night Stand” special. She was also named “Best Female Stand-Up” at the 1991 American Comedy Awards.

DeGeneres began her acting career in television on the FOX sitcom “Open House.” She moved on to ABC’s “Laurie Hill,” prior to being offered a part on “These Friends of Mine” by ABC. After the first season, the show was renamed “Ellen.”  Running from 1994 to 1998, the show garnered record ratings, with DeGeneres receiving Emmy nominations each season in the Best Actress category. In 1997, DeGeneres was the recipient of the coveted Peabody Award as well as earning an Emmy for writing the critically acclaimed “Puppy Episode” when her character came out as a gay woman to a record 46 million viewers.

Both on and off screen, DeGeneres’ humanitarian efforts take center stage. DeGeneres is passionate about bringing awareness to the people of New Orleans, her hometown, which was devastated by Hurricane Katrina and her efforts have resulted in “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” raising over $10 million to improve the lives of New Orleans residents. Overall, “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” has raised over $50 million and brought attention to various causes, including global warming and animals. Additionally, DeGeneres continues to raise awareness about breast cancer, and served as spokesperson for General Mills’ breast cancer awareness initiative, Pink for the Cure, and hosted special episodes of her show to mark Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

Since she was first nationally recognized in 1982 as a comedian in New Orleans, Ellen’s many contributions to the entertainment industry have earned her numerous accolades including a Golden Apple Award as Female Discovery of the Year from the Hollywood Women’s Press Club; a Lucy Award honoring women in Television and Film, as well as an Amnesty International Award.

AMERICAN IDOL is created and executive-produced by Simon Fuller, founder of 19 Entertainment; and executive-produced by Cecile Frot-Coutaz, CEO, FremantleMedia North America, Inc. and Ken Warwick, Executive Producer, FremantleMedia North America, Inc.

Visit americanidol.com for exclusive videos, interviews and photos of the finalists, as well as special behind-the-scenes information and all of your AMERICAN IDOL news.

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Since So You Think You Can Dance turned a hundred episodes old and danced about cancer this week, I should probably talk about that. I should stick to voicing my unpopular opinions, like that Brandon should have been the one that went home this week, or that the cancer dance wasn’t really sad, if you didn’t know it was about cancer and weren’t thereby projecting. Maybe I should make my really inappropriate comments about how hilarious I found it that directly following the cancer routine was a zombie routine, as if to say, “Don’t worry, if you do die of cancer, this is what happens to you!”

But instead, I’ve got to talk about you.  I’ve just got to. Because that’s right, I’m a Kasprzaktivist.

It really started in Vegas with your first audition. See, I love old-timey Broadway dance numbers, like in old movies. Except I find old movies really boring. This way, I get to see them and I don’t have to watch old movies with bad sound quality! Everyone wins! Not to mention that I find it so very, very refreshing to see somone who dances something besides hip-hop or contemporary. And you’ve just been so good throughout the competition, I can’t help but become more and more helplessly enamored with you every week as I learn more and more things about you, like that you have a matching tattoo that says “brothers” in Greek on your wrist, or that you were in this adorable short film. How are you so charming? Also, could you stop it? Because it’s making it hard for me to concentrate on my life.

I’m really, really glad that this isn’t a competition for America’s Best Dancer because honestly, you wouldn’t win it. Don’t get me wrong, you’re one of the best at what you do. You could tap circles around everyone else. (Also, could you use your solo to tap dance? One week? That would make me really happy.) I am not so blinded by your puppy-dog eyes to see that everyone else is more skilled than you. But this is a search for America’s favorite dancer and boy, you are mine.

Marry me.

Hugs and Kisses,

Julia Hass

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Dear folks in charge of Burn Notice –

I’m a huge fan of your show. I can’t begin to tell you how stoked I am that the new season has begun, and the show is just as good as it’s always been. Jeffery Donovan is in top form, Bruce Campbell is as witty and sharp as ever, and Gabrielle Anwar had lunch in one of the last two episodes that I think included a cheeseburger. Things are great! There’s just one teeny, tiny little thing that’s bugging the hell out of me this season so far: your overuse of the clever subtitles.

In the first season, the typical subtitle would simply indicate when Michael landed a new client. At first, it wasn’t clever at all — there’s the client, here’s a subtitle telling you he/she is the client. Then you got cute with the subtitles and would indicate someone as being a client the moment they changed status from something else to “The Client.” Maybe the person would be introduced as “Mike’s Old Friend” and then, when a big problem was revealed, the scene would freeze on the person and we’d get a subtitle “The Client.”

Later, the subtitles went a step further. We started to get subtitles akin to “The Guy They’re Looking For” and others that gave us a chuckle. When not overused, they were something I’d actually look forward to seeing. What would they do next time? Lately, though, these clever subtitles have become so commonplace on the show that they’re getting tiring and unsurprising. And, I’ve gotta say, they’re getting eye-rollingly annoying.

Guys, please take it easy with the character subtitles. I know you’re all better than this. Pick one to use per episode at most, and run with that. Don’t throw us two or even three for every episode — it’s just not as funny or unexpected anymore. It’s starting to come across as a lame parlor trick rather than that little bit of spice that gave the show a bit of humor, reminding us that there was still some not-so-serious fun to be had with this show.

Other than that, keep up the stellar writing. I’m always looking forward to more!

Keith
The Fan

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Dear Network Television,

I’m finally getting around to watching the second half of NBC’s Impact that aired this past Sunday. I will admit, this was definitely one of those circumstances where I started watching the first installment because there was nothing on. The cast helped, as I’m a fan of both David James Elliott (from JAG) and Natasha Henstridge (specifically because of Eli Stone). Plus, Steven Culp. How can you not like Steven Culp?

In case you hadn’t heard, the movie was pretty bad. Its a shame, though, because in today’s pantheon of pop culture, we really needed another asteroid movie (Yes, I know in this, it’s technically the moon … But you get my drift, right?). I’m not going to say that Impact outright stole story elements from Deep Impact or Armageddon, but … Wait, yeah, I totally am. We had the tearful goodbye scene in mission control, the guy stuck on the rock sacrificing himself to save them all. All of the tropes were there. But it didn’t need to steal to be bad. I won’t even talk about the American Boy Scouts that find a meteorite, and the scientists from Berlin that they show it to (well, I guess I just did). The movie was My Mother the Car kinds of bad.

But was it so long ago that mini-series and Made for TV movies were a much different fare? Historically, you’ve got titles like Roots, V, Shogun, North and South…. The list could quite literally go on forever. My all time favorite mini-series was Stephen King’s The Stand, which did an admirable job telling such an epic story. Shorter form standouts include The Day After and Duel. I remember being just a little freaked out by the War of the Worlds-inspired Without Warning which CBS aired in 1994.

The quick answer to where all of the good material has gone is a a familiar one, if you’ve heard me ramble before. Predictably, they’ve gone to cable. My all time favorite television anything was HBO’s Band of Brothers (read Scott’s superb CliqueClack Flashback) but they get credit for Generation Kill, And the Band Played On, From the Earth to the Moon, Angels in America, and Recount. Just to prove that the premium networks aren’t carrying the whole load, basic cable has given us the likes of Joseph and Into the West (TNT), Battlestar Galatica (Sci-Fi/Sky One), and … well, OK, HBO really does rule the roost here.

If they can get it done on Cable, then I don’t understand why the broadcast networks can’t get in the game, too. Yes, money is an issue. Band of Brothers cost in the neighborhood of $125m to make eight years ago, and its companion piece, The Pacific, is reported to be in the $250m range. But you don’t have to spend a ton of money to make a quality product. You do, however, need to find these projects and foster their growth.

What you need to do is get away from the idea of movies like Impact, or limited runs of stuff like Superstars or Million Dollar Password. Give me something that I actually want to watch, not that I get stuck watching because nothing else was on a Sunday night, and my XBox 360 is broken.

Sincerely,

Dorv

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It is a rather well-known fact that quite a few dudes (one example being our beloved staff writer Brett) think that two ladies doing the nasty is totally hot. It is an oft commented-upon pop culture phenomenon that Hollywood likes to cash in on, from House’s Thirteen (among others — see also: Callie of Grey’s Anatomy, Angela of Bones) gallivanting up and down the Kinsey scale to Katy Perry’s famous debut ode to exhibition lesbianism. It’s titillating (see what I did there? Punny, right?) and edgy to have two girls hook up on-screen, and is counted as a win-win. Not only does it make your show look modern and progressive (usually — it can be and mostly is handed poorly, but at least it’s handled), but it brings in the casual dude watcher who’ll tune in week after week in hopes of catching a lip-lock between two ladies. And yet, very rarely do you ever see it even hinted at that two dudes might also want to do the do with each other.

There are a few good reasons for this. For starters, female sexuality tends to be far more fluid than male sexuality. This means when you’ve got two ladies hooking up, it’s easy to write it off when it’s convenient. It was just a phase, you can say, or, that girl was special to this character, and now she’s found the right man to settle down with and have a million babies. And even if the two chicks do end up in television’s happily-ever-after land, lesbians are the ones that settle down with their sperm donor kids and Subarus. Plus, it’s hot. It’s totally hot. Girls and guys agree it’s hot, right?

And then there’s the distinctly American prejudice against guys being gay.I’m not sure why America seems to have this bias worse than other countries, but it does. I can say with certainty from sampling international television that not only are gay characters more common on international shows (the BBC, in particular, is extremely gay-friendly, but more on that later), but the gender balance is far, far more even.

My theory, which I call the Brokeback theory, is that America still clings to its cowboy ideal of masculinity. While America has, to some degree, embraced the idea of women fulfilling multiple types of roles or stereotyped patterns, and American man is still a man. Don’t believe me? Look at channels aimed towards women (Oxygen, TLC, Women’s Entertainment, for starters). The variety of both channels and what is on them is positively staggering compared to Spike, the ultimate dude channel, which is boobs, cars, and stuff that blows up. If that’s not evidence enough, watch any sports broadcast and pay attention to the commercials. American dudes, real American dudes drive a big truck, drink beer, shave, and grunt a lot. If a gay male character is to show up, he follows the model of Mark on Ugly Betty; fey, lisping, and weak-wristed. They shriek, are foppishly dressed, listen to bad pop or Broadway, are neurotic and fastidious, speak in an affected voice, and inevitably are perpetually single because who do they naturally lust after but the muscular, tall, dark, and handsome all-American man who, naturally, is straight and will never want them?

I call this theory the Brokeback theory, obviously, after the landmark film. I don’t think what made this film so big was the fact that the two leads were gay. After all, this was eight years after we’d seen Maurice, which was far more explicitly gay. What made the film so huge was who was gay: cowboys. Not turn-of-the-century, tortured intellectual English schoolboys, but rugged, American men. Men who married and had sex with women; men who were fathers. Men who drove trucks and roughed it in the great outdoors just like a Ford commercial. And yet these men were painfully, deeply, ass-over-stetson in love. With each other. Cue America’s collective mind being blown.

It’s no wonder, with the furor and brouhaha that came out along with Brokeback Mountain, that television studios in America so rarely venture onto the two dudes side of the track. Why, when they can look just as progressive and stay safer with two women? As we have previously explained, this is hot.

But because it just was Pride Week, and because I can, I’m going to say this: dearest television studios, please bring on the gay dudes. The real ones, not just the queens (though I still love me some queens). Bring us some strapping lads, some older men, some confused teenage boys, and have them make out. You know why? I mean besides that it’s only fair to represent a large part of the world’s population?

Because girls like it, that’s why.

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I swear to God, I am not a shallow person. Usually. I mean, do I have my totally awful moments of objectifying dudes when I really shouldn’t? Of course. I’m human, okay. Anyone who says they don’t do this is a filthy liar.

Now, there’s this whole thing going on in Iran with the election and so on and so forth. And since I pride myself on being politically conscientious, I am all up in that business. I have done my homework, listened to my NPR, and written my requisite informative blog post for the totally lost and overwhelmed. I now can speak intelligently on Iranian politics. (Ask me, really!) And, being the conscious person I am, I’ve been watching the news. And you’re on it. A lot. And this is causing me to have a lot of problems with being a non-reprehensible human being.

See, usually, if I tune into The Daily Show or the Rachel Maddow Show, I can concentrate on what is being said. I do not spend my time feeling unaccountably attracted to, say, former presidential advisers or four-star generals, and when I’m expecting those dudes to appear and then you show up with your hot self, my guard is down and you’re kind of killing me with your gorgeousness.  If I was watching a normal show, disproportionately pretty people would be showing up left and right and it wouldn’t seem quite so jarring. (That is not to say I wouldn’t still take time out and stare at you, of course, I’m just saying it’s less expected when I am catering to my more intellectual side to find myself giggling like a thirteen-year-old. Sometimes, I even put my chin in my hands and sigh. I didn’t do that when I was actually thirteen. This is a problem, dude.)

And then this Iran business came up and I’m having issues, because now there is a terrible, awful part of me that wants these protests to go on forever so you and your sexy, Iranian-born doctorate of religion self can be on my television. Forever.

I know, right? I hate myself a little bit too. Especially considering you’re technically old enough to be my dad. Sort of. I mean, if you had me when you were in high school. But thanks to MTV’s new series 16 and Pregnant (there aren’t words to describe how much I will not be watching that show), I know it’s totally possible, okay. And it’s sort of like the creepy icing on my going-to-hell cake.

But I can’t help but think about it. I mean, we’re both smart, politically savvy writers. And you’re all into the Middle East and striving for peace there, right? Because you’re Muslim and I’m Jewish, so us dating is totally the first step. Plus, with our wavy hair and your dimples and my diminutive stature our kids would be off-the-wall cute and kind of brilliant to boot. Do it for the children. And world peace. And by “it” I may mean “me.”

No, no, I know. It can never be, in large part because, oh yeah, I’m clearly out of whack when it comes to my priorities. I have accepted that. But seriously, man, can you meet me halfway here? Perhaps not appear on shows so often looking so cute? I’m not sure how you’d accomplish that, but it would be really swell if you figured that out.  Or, alternately, Iran could magically right itself overnight and you could go back to doing what you do and I could go back to doing what I do, and I’ll feel better about finding you super-dreamy when you appear every so often to promote a book or something. I think that’s probably the solution everyone would be happiest with.

But since I think we both know that won’t happen any time soon, I’m just saying — you’re filming all these shows in New York, and Boston isn’t that far away. If you ever get an itch to see Harvard Divinity School and check in with the old alma mater, I’d be up for, like, grabbing coffee. Or traditional Iranian cuisine (I have never had it, but Wikipedia assures me that it looks delicious).  Extending this offer in the face of people’s suffering and hardship doesn’t make me a totally awful person, right?

Yeah, I know.

Hopeful regardless,

Julia

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Every time Nathan Fillion, Alan Tudyk or Summer Glau comes up on TV-related conversation, inevitably someone whines about their need to see Firefly come back to the small screen. I’m not talking about as a movie, but as the TV series, returned for a second season. With the surprise renewal of Dollhouse for its second season, someone just had to bring it up again: could Firefly come back to TV now, too, pretty please? To that I answer: NO! Stop dishonoring this beloved, deceased show and move on. It’s over, and it’s not coming back.

Why is it never coming back? Here are a few reasons for you:

Current actor commitments
Several of the Firefly cast now have regular contracts with shows that are still in production. Fillion has Castle, Baldwin has Chuck, Baccarin has V, just to name a few. The likelihood of them leaving real, paying gigs on networks who aren’t so quick to give their shows the boot is extremely unlikely. No, actually, it will simply NEVER happen!

Joss Whedon wouldn’t be involved
You’re fooling yourself if you believe for a moment that Joss would allow for his beloved series to return to TV, only to get the same treatment it got at FOX when it axed the series after airing only 11 episodes. He’s stated before that it “hurts too much” to think about returning the show to TV, only to see it stomped on all over again. Plus, he has Dollhouse taking up his time at the moment, and so far that’s still chugging along. If his time were freed up by a Dollhouse cancellation, I wouldn’t be surprised if that hurt he has in his heart from Firefly’s cancellation would turn into hate (which turns into suffering, yadda yadda).

It would cost a pantload
Let’s say the stars aligned in some incredibly optimistic fashion and my above two points were ruled out. The actors are all jobless and itching for any work to come their way, and Joss decides to allow Firefly another chance on network television. The show failed in the ratings, yet a network decided it was a good gamble to bring it back. The amount it would cost just to bring every actor back on-board, never mind the special effects necessary for each episode, would be staggering. I’m sure any of those actors wouldn’t put themselves in a position to be dumped out of a job again without some reassurances, and what network is going to do that with a show that failed once before?

Let’s face it: the only way Firefly is ever going to come back to TV as a series would be with a series reboot, and I don’t even want to open that can of worms just yet. Call me in 20 years when a new generation of sci-fi lovers are around and interested in seeing a show like that come back on the air and maybe, just maybe, I won’t tell you to shut up and get off my lawn.

So please, just let Firefly rest in peace. Meanwhile, I’ll be in my bunk.

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Dear television watchers who panned The Unusuals,

I am outraged! The greatest new show on television delivers less than a dozen episodes and then craps out on us. Or, rather, has the rug pulled out from under it by ABC. What the hell have you done?

I know that tastes are subjective, but how much more enjoyable can a show get? The Unusuals has a little bit for everyone. The cop drama is about as good, clean, and digestible as any other similar show out there. And the comedy can stand toe-to-toe with the best of them. Not to mention the fact that the stories never lag, the pace is just right to keep things interesting and still keep viewers involved, and the talent is off the charts. To name just a few: Amber Tamblyn (Joan of Arcadia), Jeremy Renner (S.W.A.T., amongst other movies), Adam Goldberg (yes, that one), Harold Perrineau (Lost), and Terry Kinney (Oz), all provide intriguing characters who are immensely enjoyable and watchable.

This was the first show in a really long time that immediately clicked for me and my wife, and I had it seasoned passed on our TiVo before the opening credits of the pilot stopped rolling. Finally, a great show that deserved the effort it takes to get invested in it!

So, where were you? It’s quite possible that people were simply wary of getting hooked, for fear of the show meeting the same fate that so many others on ABC have of late (for me, Sons and Daughters, Commander In Chief, The Nine, Day Break, Six Degrees, Big Day, Carpoolers, Notes From the Underbelly, Dirty Sexy Money, Eli Stone, and Boston Legal. And that’s just the last three years.)

But, come on; is it really worth never putting yourself out there on the off-chance that you might get hurt? Should you not jump into the deep end just because you can’t swim? Or pass on the blowfish roll just because it might be lethal? Man up! Put yourself out there for the world to fondle, because you never know which uninvited grab will be from the person of your dreams!

I mean, how’d you find all of the other shows that you’re so dedicated to? You gave them a try. You said, “I know this will likely only end in heartbreak, but, doggone it, I sit on my couch watching television twenty hours a day anyway, so, why not?” And if it was good, there you go. If it was great? You won. So what if it was usually bad, or if you were one of the few people who actually liked it, only to see it get yanked a few weeks later? At least one day you could tell your grandkids that you had experienced some adventure in your life. That you’d taken some risks.

Well, The Unusuals is awesome! And you’re really doing yourself a disservice by missing this smart, funny, slightly different series. And, as a result, it’s costing those of us who love it, too, because ABC announced the show’s cancellation. They need to make room on the schedule to ply us with new crap, at the expense of the weakest producers (read: smallest audiences). Sometimes the numbers are right; but, sometimes, people just miss the diamond for all the rough that obscures their views. Can you imagine if NBC had just gone by the numbers in 1990 and canceled Seinfeld?

The word on the street is that The Unusuals will air its final episodes now that primetime is wide open, following all of these season finales. Do us all a favor: give up the four hours it will take to view them all live. I’m willing to bet that if ABC gets blown away by the surge of interest in the show, they’ll be willing to at least give The Unusuals another mid-season pickup, and a second shot at making it.

Plus, you’ll have found your new favorite show. Now, how can that be bad?

With thanks, from down on bended knee,

The 4.6 million of us fans who could sure use your help

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Thank you, thank you, thank you for casting Coach on the latest installment of your never-ending reality series. If it wasn’t for his melodramatic, self-involved, pain-in-the-ass antics, this season would have been incredibly dull. All the eye candy (Carolina, Sydney) and big breasts (Candace) got booted early, along with the annoying old broad (Sandy).

Sure, Sierra hung around longer than expected, which was nice, but her striped shirt/skirt made her look like the “Get Out of Jail Free Card” guy from Monopoly. Tyson played the cocky alpha-male prick role superbly and Debbie had that MILF thing going for her, but both were too smart (or dumb) for their own good.

That left Coach: aka Benjamin, The Zen Master, The Dragonslayer, The Ultimate Warrior and King of all Douchebags. As much as it hurts to admit — Coach saved Survivor for me. I was ready to give up on the show. The last couple seasons have been less than stellar, so I was apprehensive when I settled in for the first episode. Then the man in black opened his mouth. I remember uttering to myself, “This clown is reality TV gold.”

Well, I was right. Once he started regaling his fellow competitors with tales of yore, I knew we were in for something special. His account of being kidnapped and molested by Amazonian pygmies was topped only by the whopper about his freeing his estranged wife from the grip of money-hungry terrorists while trapped in a downtown Los Angeles high-rise.

No, wait. Allow me to retort. Coach’s best anecdote had to be the one about his perilous journey upriver to assassinate a lunatic Army Colonel, or maybe it was his daring rescue of passengers aboard a runaway bus armed with a bomb. Man, there are just too many to choose from. The guy has lived a life only those addicted to hallucinatory drugs can claim.

After coming to terms with his exit on Thursday’s edition, I can proudly say I will miss Coach’s preening and posturing. I sure hope his ailing back and asthma have improved since leaving the harsh Brazilian Highlands. Could you provide me a mailing address? I would very much like to send him a care package. I have some framed quotes from Sun Tzu and Confucius I think he might enjoy, and a pocket-sized Buddha he can take with him on his next life-threatening adventure.

Please consider arrogant asses like Coach when deliberating future casts. Nice guys and soccer moms are fine, but we need more people like Coach to spread their hackney inspiration to all corners of the world. So, thank you again Survivor producers for doing the right thing by your loyal viewers. I was teetering on the precipice, but you and a fool named Coach pulled me back.

Gratefully,

A still dedicated fan

PS – Hands down, the number one Coach chronicle was his mission to secure an ancient religious artifact before it fell into the hands of the Nazis. Truly memorable!!

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SPOILER WARNING: If you didn’t watch the season finale of House or have no idea what’s to take place during the season finale of Bones, then DO NOT read any further than this sentence. Should you do that your face may melt like that guy from Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Let’s talk, FOX. And, why don’t you grab the writers and creators of House and Bones into this conversation as well, because they’re just as guilty. Here’s the thing: stop messing with our emotions! For weeks — nay, months — you’ve been promoting the culmination of romantic tensions between House and Cuddy on House, and Tempe and Seeley on Bones. You’ve even gone so far and to present previews where we’ve seen Huddy (House and Cuddy) in a passionate, spit-swapping embrace and Bones nakedly canoodling with Booth under the blankets.

This is what many fans have been wishing for both couples. Yet, they don’t seem to be true.

We already know that House and Cuddy’s little encounter was part of the good doctor’s continued descent into insanity (well, more insane than he usually is). And, although the creator of Bones is saying Booth and Bones’ season finale sex scene is not a dream or hallucination, it’s certainly shaping up to be something like a “what if” scenario that looks at an alternate version of the characters.

This begs the question of why, oh why, do you want us to think that these romances are finally coming to pass? Don’t you like us? I mean, we tune into your silly network each week so you can make the money you need to green light shows that you’ll cancel after a few episodes. We dial your phone numbers to vote performers off of American Idol that you promoted as the winner weeks before. Hell, we even tolerate the schedule merry-go-round that you start up each winter when AI and 24 return.

Needless to say, repayment is a bitch to us. So, do us a favor and, in the future, hold back on these little false teasers. If these two couples are eventually going to get together (and the jury is still out if either of these pairings is such a good idea), then let it be a surprise. Don’t promote it on Twitter, or with Ausiello, and don’t have conference calls with the producers so we can all speculate. Just. Let. It. Happen. I’m sure the response from both the fans and the press will be more favorable to you.

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Oh, Pauler: I love the way your eyes glaze over whenever you see a fair face up on stage coaxing you, daring you not to get all wiggly. I love that cute seal flipper-flap of a clap you exult after contestants’ performances. I love the way you whap Simon in plain view of everyone watching when he says something you are obviously in disagreement with. I love the way you shimmy shamelessly right through an entire song when Adam Lambert is whaling away. I love the haltingly stuttered talk you talk in a vain attempt to come up with the right words to say to Danny post-performance. I love the semi-stern look of consternation you share with us when you’re at a loss for anything relevant to utter.

Pauler, others are out of breath when they’re dancing about on the Idol stage. Jamie Fox was a recent example of this a few weeks ago. Bouncing around during his performance, he gave it his all and came away panting as if he’d just run a marathon. But not you, dear Pauler. You flailed and extended and air punched and schwang with your partners up there on stage with the greatest of ease. You jumped and were thrown in the air and cavorted from one end of the Idol platform to the other with reckless abandon. All the while “singing” in electronic wonder. And with nary a deep breath to mar the over-tightness of your outfit. *sigh*

Wonderful Pauler: You have a new interview out in Ladies’ Home Journal giving us an inkling of your few of your flaws and gaffs, not the least of which is your admission into a California treatment center to rid your dependency on painkillers. Granted, the dependency was no doubt caused by a series of injuries beginning in high school when you were a cheerleader, culminating in an airplane crash leaving you partially paralyzed and in need of 15 (!!!) spinal surgeries. (And if that wasn’t enough, I really don’t blame you, Pauler, for your need for extra-curricular medications. If I had to sit by Kara DioGuardi week after week, I’d become dependent on painkillers, too.) There may be cracks in your demeanor, but your shining optimism is there for all to see.

I don’t care what “they” say, Pauler. I don’t care whether or not you think MC Skat Cat is real or simply a cartoon. I heed not the fact you were married to Emilio Estevez or Brad Beckerman, both for less than two years. (They were wrong for you, anyway … but it wasn’t your fault!) I pooh-poohed the continuous mystery surrounding your ever-present Coke cup on the judge’s table in front of you, year after year after year. You’re still tops in my book, Pauler.

With the fast-approaching conclusion of American Idol coming, I don’t know what I’m going to do without your glowing face on my television set Tuesday and Wednesday nights, Pauler. I guess I’ll just have to hurry up and wait for the midnight release of your new album due out in the fall and some word of your contract negotiations with Fox for another season of Idol. Until then, I’m right there beside you, Pauler, in Simon’s seat.

If not in the flesh, in dreamy spirit.

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Look, I know this is weird because you’re kind of married, but I think you should know that I’m in love with you.

It would be enough for me if you were an environmentally-passionate lawyer, but I forget until I marathon old episodes how friggin’ cute you are.  You sing everything you do! I don’t find that annoying, I find that adorable. Mostly because I do it too. If you could please write me heartfelt letters from the beyond, make amazing charts about all of my favorite songs, and form a family band with me, that would be amazingly swell.

I already have plans for our first date. See, you like to eat, and I like to cook, but I hate to eat what I’ve made right after, so Marshall can do it for me. After that, we could make up games that you could win, and you could drive me home in your resurrected Fiero singing along to The Proclaimers at the top of our lungs.And can you imagine when we get together? I love having whackadoo Halloween costumes. We can take vacations to search for the Loch Ness monster and plan your last two slaps for Barney while dueling with your wall swords. And I need your mnemonic songs, because my memory kind of sucks. If you get me a marching band and promise to put up with my crazy eyes, I promise to make you bag lunches, never leave the jar open on the peanut butter, and write you the best letter from the great beyond that ever is or was.

Unfortunately you, like many of my past relationships with fictitious men, have a lady love who you deeply adore. I mean after Jim Halpert and Ned the Piemaker I thought I had learned my lesson, but no. No! All this marathoning I’m doing has made my heart go pitter-pat every time I see your cute little face come on screen or I listen to you sing your night-night song to Lily. Why do you and your brethren torment me so, Mr. Eriksen? My heart cannot deal with it.

Just know this, Marshall. If ever you get tired and lonely, I will be waiting for you. And until then, you don’t happen to have a fifth brother I don’t know about or something? One that’s really cute and just like you and single? If so, please have him call me. I have it on good authority that I’m awesome.

Love,

Julia

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