This week, to celebrate the fact that the lame-ass Olympics are done with, I’ve decided to celebrate some comedies. There were a lot of shows that made me laugh a lot and pee a little this week. From Abed’s Don Draper impression to Pam breastfeeding the wrong baby, television was pretty amazing this week.

Luke and Phil bond on Modern Family

This entire episode of Modern Family was pretty genius, but I really adore the way Phil and Luke bonded during it. Teaching my son that the treasure we find doesn’t matter, but on what we spend the money we get for it that matters instead. I want an indoor pool in my condo real bad.

Pam breastfeeding the wrong baby on The Office

This isn’t a parenting blog, so I won’t rant about what an evil bitch Pam’s nurse was on The Office (but she totally was). The entire birth/aftermath portrayal was pretty realistic, which made it even funnier. The hands-down funniest moment though, was when Pam found out she had been breastfeeding the wrong child. My jaw hit the floor, and then I laughed hysterically, mainly because she and Jim reacted in the exact same way I would have.

Abed’s Don Draper impression on Community

I’ve already talked about how brilliant this is, and how my mind was completely blown after I watched it, so I’ll just say this: Abed and Annie really should have kissed on Community. Also, as a bonus, we have Troy talking about how dope Calvin not Coolidge is.

Zach Galifianakis pops up on some NBC shows on SNL

Zach Galifianakis was arguably the best part of The Hangover, so it’s great that SNL had him host this week. Although his monologue was pretty genius, I have a special spot in my heart for Law & Order, so it was great to see Lupo and Bernard incorporated into an SNL short.

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It’s Valentine’s day weekend, and I don’t know about you, but for me, that pretty much means… absolutely nothing. Until next year, that is, when I officially stop ignoring the holiday and start expecting my kid to make me things. That’s going to be sweet. Anyway, most of this week’s TV was Valentine’s Day-themed, and whether it was funny or sad, Valentine’s Day on television is invariably better than actual Valentine’s Day. This is the beauty of television.

Pretty kitty has nails on Modern Family

On Modern Family, Phil and Claire decided to break from their normal routine of going to a family-style Italian restaurant and spend a night in a hotel together. Not only that, but they decided to spice things up with a little role playing in the bar. I’ve got to hand it to them: not many couples who have been married nearly 20 years would be up for this, but as awkward as it is, they give an admirable effort.

A long-lost son comes to visit on Ugly Betty

Here’s what weirds me: the child that Claire gave birth to and then gave up for adoption on Ugly Betty is significantly younger than her two other children, yet seemingly, no one remembers her being pregnant. Seriously: Daniel is like 10 years older than this dude, and he doesn’t remember a baby in mommy’s tummy when he was in the fourth grade? Anyway, despite this head-scratcher, the scene between Claire and Tyler in which he asks if she is his mother, was extremely well done. Neal Bledsoe, who plays Tyler, hasn’t been in a whole lot, but I hope to see him in a lot more after this.

Jeff and Abed get awkwardly drunk on Community

While I do prefer the dynamic duo of Troy and Abed, Jeff and Abed getting drunk together was pretty hilarious. The best part about it is, even though they got drunk in a very ’80s teen movie kind of way, Abed got so drunk that all of his ’80s teen movie knowledge was knocked right out of him. I believe that is what Ms. Alanis Morrisette would call “ironic.”

A head waiter confesses his love on Grey’s Anatomy

Yes, this is totally sappy, but I’m completely susceptible to this kind of thing; I can’t help it. A roof collapses at a restaurant, leading to an influx of injured people coming to Seattle Grace. Here, the head waiter at the restaurant has a lovely monologue about loving a woman from afar for over 15 years– and she hears everything he says!

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Obviously, the big news in TV this week was the return of Lost. They’re back at LAX! No they’re not! Juliet’s alive! No she’s not! It was all very confusing, but there was one smoky moment that stood out for me. In other TV news, Modern Family got pixilated, the study group on Community finally acknowledged the growing sexual tension, and NBC’s Thursday night was quite musical. Here are some of the things that didn’t suck this week:

John Locke is a Dot-Matrix printer on Lost.

Wait, that’s not right. John Locke is actually the smoke monster! Except, it’s not John Locke, it’s the Man in Black. Right? Right? I’m so bad at Lost that I don’t even know. However, what I do know is that Ol’ Smokey laying waste to an entire room full of people was pretty bad ass.

A moon landing on Modern Family

Because I am four years old, when Jay and Cameron had their awkward run-in while in the locker room, I started giggling uncontrollably and squeaking, “They touched butts, they touched butts!” But seriously: are “moon landings” and splashdowns” real things?

The study group on Community wants to jump each other’s bones.

This was my favorite part of this week’s episode: each look is funnier than the last, plus it serves as a nice callback to previous episodes. Personally, I’m rooting for Troy and Shirley.

Vaughn likes Annie’s nose on Community

Vaughn is back, and this time he’s singing to the new object of his affection, Annie. The part about Eskimos in his mouth is kind of creepy, but it’s creepy in the kind of way that an 18-year-old girl would love.

30 Rock doesn’t want you to go to sleep with a frown in your pocket

I really like the fact that Liz’s and Kenneth’s mothers both sang them the same song when they were little. Sometimes it’s the little things that connect us in life.

Dunder-Mifflin is a part of Sabre on The Office

I’m much happier to have this song stuck in my head, then the ubiquitous Miley Cyrus original, “Party in the U.S.A.” God, I hate that song.

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This column isn’t always going to be about late night, but it’s just been too good over the past couple of weeks to ignore. However, with tonight being Conan’s last night as host of The Tonight Show, on top of the horrifying news that Jay Leno is hosting the White House Correspondents’ dinner, I feel as though taking a look back on the way Leno and NBC have been slammed this week is only appropriate.

On Wednesday night, David Letterman started off easily enough, making a crack about how Jay Leno was probably going to end up with Ted Kennedy’s congressional seat in Massachusetts, and ending with the NBC peacock walking into a KFC and turning itself in. However, it was the middle, when Letterman said that Al- Jazeera was more trustworthy than NBC, that the claws started to come out.

I love crotchety old Dave Letterman, so to see the childlike glee with which he’s eviscerating Leno in a very subtle, yet cutting way just warms the cockles of my cold dead heart. I love how he starts out with, “Lord knows, I’ve got my own problems,” before going on to say just how much he’s enjoying himself in this whole mess. You know when he talks about “vintage Jay,” he’s not exactly paying him a compliment. It’s been readily apparent, in fact, that Letterman has used this opportunity to exorcise some of the bitterness he still has about losing The Tonight Show to Jay back in ‘92. Here’s my favorite part:

“So I’m begging you, ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of everyone involved: please, don’t blame Conan… I know that a lot of you think that Conan pushed himself out of a job; he’s not that kind of a guy. He would never do that to himself.” He never says that we should blame Jay, but the implication is pretty clear. He ends with advice to Leno: “You get fired, you get another gig! You don’t wait around for somebody to drop dead!”

So while Letterman is railing against Leno for going back on his word to retire, and basically hanging out in the lobby of NBC, waiting for Conan to fail, Leno, “the nicest guy on TV” goes below the belt. It’s not so much that I think that he shouldn’t go below the belt, or that Letterman’s affairs aren’t fair game when it comes to comedy, it’s just that this is so painfully unfunny. One of my favorite lines from Glee is about how Rachel manages to simultaneously dress like a toddler and a grandmother. That’s what Leno is to me: simultaneously childish and befuddlingly old. But most importantly, NOT FUCKING FUNNY.

This is my thing with Jay Leno: wouldn’t it be shockingly easy for Conan to take Adam Sandler’s place in this clip, and for “Eric” to be replaced with “Leno?”

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Look, when the dust settles and the whole NBC late night debacle concludes, no one at NBC is going to win. Jeff Zucker is going to continue to look like an idiot, Jay Leno is going to continue to look like the guy whose inability to be remotely funny or entertaining ruined primetime and perhaps The Tonight Show’s legacy, and Conan O’Brien is going to be the poor sap who got screwed out of his dream job.

So while the folks over at NBC are handling this mess with all of the finesse of a drunk chimp attempting neurosurgery, there are a few winners in this whole thing. David Letterman gets to work out all of his aggression that he’s had toward Leno and NBC ever since he lost the Tonight Show gig, and that’s probably good for his heart. The real winner in this whole never-ending saga, however, is Host of The Late Late Show on CBS, Craig Ferguson.

On Monday night, Ferguson started off with a few softballs: a funny “Late Night Wars” graphic and a quick Leno impersonation. He says he feels sorry for both Jay and Conan, and jokes that “you know that the world is on its ass when David Letterman and I are the stable ones.”

Later on in his monologue though, Ferguson gets a few jabs in toward NBC and his competitor, Jimmy Fallon, while reminding people that at the end of the day, this really isn’t an important issue. Ferguson says, “It’s not Jay Leno’s fault, and it’s not Conan O’Brien’s fault. Let’s just call it what it is: this whole mess is a direct result of atrocious management by a once-great American network.” He continues with the real talk when he concludes his monologue with, “What I’m saying, I think, is it’s a bunch of middle-aged white guys arguing over who gets x million dollars. Who gives a…” at which point he’s bleeped, and we do not know which choice word he used to end that analysis.

Ferguson comes back on Tuesday night with both guns blazing toward NBC. He ends his monologue by first chastising them for not telling the truth to their performers, but then says this, “‘Craig, aren’t you burning your bridges there with NBC?’ Yes! ‘What do you mean? You don’t want to work for NBC ever in your career?’ No! They’re lying rat bastards; have I made it clear?” It is one of the single-most ballsiest moves I’ve seen on late night, and it made me fall in love with him. Watch this clip and tell me that you wouldn’t just want a 3-hour Craig Ferguson block on NBC instead of the nonsense they have going on now.

On Wednesday night, Ferguson perhaps realized that nothing could really top calling NBC “lying rat bastards,” so he doesn’t really talk about the Late Night Wars, other than to dismiss the whole issue saying, “Late night bores the ass off of me.” Ferguson knows how to milk something just long enough, and walk away before he reaches the tipping point.

On Thursday night, other than a quick reference to Leno, Ferguson didn’t mention the whole saga at all, content to focus on what keeps his job secure: Jokes about his penis.

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Mad Men has come back, and the slow-burn of the first two episodes is making me completely crazy — in a really great way. Project Runway returned as well, and I begrudgingly watched it, just to find out that it’s just as ridiculous as always. And Wil Wheaton got into a nerd-fight on Leverage. Not bad for the last week of August.

Mad Men returns

Mad Men is back, you guys. Yes, it’s been back for more than just a week, but I’m so stoked about having a new episode tonight. My life is finally complete. The funny part is that, even though fans have been eagerly awaiting the premiere to find out what’s going on with everyone, we really haven’t seen a whole lot yet. Peggy and Pete haven’t really interacted, Joan apparently married her rapey fiance, Roger apparently married Jane — whom we haven’t even seen yet. So much stuff hasn’t happened, but it’s still so exciting. There aren’t any good clips on the Internet, but amc.com has this cool behind-the-scenes video of episode 2, “Love Among the Ruins.”

Project Runway returns too!

I didn’t even know if I would watch Project Runway this year. The whole legal battle, and the fact that it’s been off the air forever, really made me not care about the upcoming season. However, in the end I just couldn’t stay away. While it has lost some of its luster, the patented ridiculousness of the designers is in full force. This week’s pregnancy challenge brought forth some ridiculous designs, but I have no idea what Mitchell was smoking when he was making those short. As someone with a stack of maternity clothes in her closet, I can honestly say that I did not own a single thing that even came close to approaching those shorts in size. Yes, pregnant women gain weight. We do not, however, turn into fucking Godzilla, Mitchell.

Wil Wheaton on Leverage

How cute was the nerd-fight between Chaos and Hardison? I couldn’t find video of it, but this clip of their first confrontation is pretty hilarious. Leverage is at its best when we delve into the different quirks of the characters. What better way to do that then to have them face their own mirror-images? I do, however, feel a little bit let down. After all, Eliot and Parker seemed to make love connections, but what about Hardison? A little Hardison/Chaos love connection would have made the episode that much better.

Ted Kennedy Jr. eulogizes his father

I didn’t set out to watch Ted Kennedy funeral coverage — it just kind of happened yesterday. While I didn’t watch all of it, I did see the eulogy Ted Kennedy Jr. gave for his father. It was funny and touching, and I’m sure his father would have been proud.

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Mad Men, you guys. MAD MEN. Does it make my life sound completely pathetic if I say that tonight’s return is what I have been living for? I mean, yes, my child has still been clothed and fed, but come on … Don effin’ Draper is coming back! Tonight! What’s so great about this isn’t just that one of my favorite shows currently on television is coming back, but Jon Hamm, who plays the aforementioned Don Draper, has been charming his way across the talk shows this week. From Conan, to Jimmy Fallon, to Regis and Kelly, he’s been hitting them all — and staying awesome the whole time. So with that, I present to you this week’s column, completely devoted to Don Draper (AKA Jon Hamm).

Jon Hamm recounts his tale of meeting Tracy Morgan for the first time on The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien:

As he says, everyone should have the experience of meeting Tracy Morgan. That, to me, is a good piece of lifestyle advice. He recounts getting sucked into a bit during a read-through for 30 Rock, and while he does a little bit of a Tracy Morgan impression, I can’t help but feel like, when he’s recounting this story for his friends, he goes all out.

Also, he’s friends with Jack McBrayer, and that’s adorable.

Jon Hamm shares his letter home on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon:

I was laughing hysterically the entire time he talked about getting Elisabeth Hasselbeck pregnant. The, “I’m super-psyched about being a dad,” line is priceless, as is the fact that his family portrait has him in a Superman cape.

Jon, Jimmy, and Higgins play dice on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon:

Okay, picture this: Paul Rudd and Jon Hamm sitting around playing Scrabble. Awesome. Turns out the two, who have been friends since they were kids, also made up a dice game called “Threes,” or “Regal Beagle,” as Higgins dubs it. The game actually looks like it could be kind of fun, but as I’m low-rent, I would not be playing with twenties.

Jon Hamm’s John Ham

Hamm also appeared on Regis and Kelly this week, and it was absolutely adorable. Regis, who generally can’t stand his guests or their stupid little shows, is obviously in love with Mad Men and Don Draper. Unfortunately, I can’t find the video anywhere, so I give to you: Jon Hamm’s John Ham, his amazing ad parody from Saturday Night Live. Sure, it wasn’t on this week — but it’s still hilarious.

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This week in television was fine, but there really wasn’t a whole lot of new stuff that set my world on fire. Leverage was pretty funny, and Mad Men season 2 is on “On Demand”, which is pretty amazing, but nothing truly tickled me this week in the way that Anderson Cooper did, when he subbed for Regis for two days this week on Live! with Regis and Kelly.

It was so fantastic, that I’m devoting this week’s column to Cooper’s appearance on Live. These are three of my favorite moments during his all-too-brief tenure this week. In it, Anderson gets to the point with the Bachelorette, he talks about the child labor at Live, and Kelly shamelessly flirts with the newsman.

Anderson Cooper asks Jillian Harris exactly how big of a slut she is:

Look, it’s the question everyone wants to ask, but never does: What goes on in the Bachelorette house? Like, those people are totally doing it all the time, right? Anderson Cooper certainly seems to think so. He also thinks Jillian Harris is stupid for getting offended about what he thinks is a perfectly reasonable question.

It’s no wonder why Anderson is Kelly’s favorite guest co-host:

What makes the days that Anderson subs for Regis the best ones, is the amazing chemistry he and Kelly have together. I’ve never seen either of them funnier then they are when they’re together. In this clip, Anderson starts off with his impression of how Jillian Harris spent her evenings after filming was done, and he and Kelly go through this whole routine of Live’s child labor practices.

Don’t tell Anderson Cooper your dreams — he doesn’t give a shit:

Kelly always spends a lot of her time on air with Anderson, shamelessly flirting with him. While she may want him to tell her his dreams and desires, Anderson doesn’t want to hear anybody else’s. Like with the Bachelorette, Anderson gets real here. Nobody likes hearing about other peoples’ dreams; it’s boring. They’re never as interesting to anybody else, as they are to you.

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I’m going to be real with you guys for a minute. Outside of DVDs for my Virgin Diaries, I haven’t been watching a lot of TV lately. So maybe that explains why two of my clips this week never even aired on television, and the other two are from Jimmy Fallon. Look, I work with what I have, people. Regardless though, these clips are really funny, so enjoy!

Emmy Comedy Actress Roundtable

Okay, so this is kind of cheating since it technically wasn’t on TV, but this Hollywood Reporter roundtable, with current Emmy-nominated comedy actresses, is amazing. These women are obviously hilarious (except for Mary-Louise Parker, who just seems kind of scared), so there’s that. But more interesting to me are the tales of ageism in Hollywood. They all concur that TV is much more forgiving, but these women – who are all in their late 30s to late 40s – have a much harder time when they go out for film roles. Not only did Christina Applegate get passed over for a magazine cover because they don’t put women “over 35″ on, but both Sarah Silverman and Amy Poehler were asked to audition for the part of Jonah Hill’s mother. These ladies are all hot. We live in a crazy world, people.

As an extra-added bonus, here’s an interview from the same day that the roundtable was shot, with Amy Poehler and Julia Louis-Dreyfus. In it they discuss their future projects together, including a lesbian epic that spans over 80 years, in which they both gain a lot of weight.

Will Arnett gets in touch with his adolescent girl side on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.

I didn’t have high hopes for Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, and I will say that I’ve been pleasantly surprised. He manages to get really fun and irreverent interviews out of his guests (of course, it probably helps that most of them are already friends of his). In this clip, he gets the brilliant and amazing Mr. Amy Poehler, Will Arnett, to read a piece from the Judy Blume classic coming-of-age novel, Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret. Granted, the “getting guests to read things outside of their demographic for comedic effect” meme isn’t anything new (Conan brilliantly did it several years ago with Stone Cold Steve Austin and a book of poems by Jewel), but it’s Will Arnett, which automatically makes it awesome.

Alec Baldwin is Tracy Morgan in Ballboys.

Speaking of irreverent interviews, Alec Baldwin just doesn’t give a crap anymore. He’s riding a whole second wave of success, so if he wants to wear gold boots on Jimmy Fallon, then dammit, he’s going to wear gold boots. The entire interview is pretty amazing, but I’ve excerpted my favorite part below: Alec Baldwin as Tracy Morgan, and Jimmy Fallon as Robert DeNiro star in a tennis comedy called Ballboys.

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Conan’s first day on the job

I’ve been super-excited about the prospect of Conan taking over for Jay Leno on The Tonight Show, though I have been worried that Conan’s antics may not mesh well with Jay’s established audience. After his first night, I have no idea whether or not he’s going to be successful in this new job, but I do know this: His opening was amazing.

Frangela talking some sense in the jungle

Angela getting kicked off of I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here! in the first week is the worst thing that could have happened to this already dismal show. Between Lou Diamond Phillips trying to prove his manliness, Janice Dickinson hocking up loogies, and Heidi and Spencer acting their butts off in an effort to become the news-making “villains” of the show, Frangela was the sole voice of reason in the jungle. They were funny and wise, and provided a necessary counter to Speidi’s antics.

The Listener premiere

Look, in order to get included in this column, I don’t have to love something, it just has to not suck. I watched three new shows this week: I’m a Celebrity, Mental, and The Listener. We’ve already talked about Celebrity, Mental was the most boring piece of crap I’ve seen since 11th Hour, so even though The Listener is a bit too close to Medium for my liking, it wasn’t bad. It does irk me that Medium was canceled for this low-rent EMT version, but I’d be a lot more bothered if it hadn’t landed on CBS. Given my other options so far this summer, I’ll give The Listener a shot.

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The week of Memorial Day and this week are pretty much vacation weeks as far as I’m concerned. Most of the shows have had their season finales, and the new summer shows haven’t started yet. There’s very little on, so I take a much-needed break from the tube. This also coincided with our Fios router crapping out, leaving us with no guide info or ability to use the DVR. As a result, I watched very little new television this week, but I was able to catch some good stuff on cable; mainly on TLC. Of course, “good” is a relative term, as you’ll see with my very first list item.

Things get awkward on the Jon & Kate Plus 8 premiere

Look, everybody’s talking about it. The season 5 premiere of Jon & Kate Plus 8 will probably go down in history as one of the most awkward hours of television ever assembled. The normal sniping and play-fighting between the titular married couple gave way to tense silences, words that weren’t spoken, and tears. The situation sucked, but it was compelling television, and more importantly to TLC, it garnered record ratings, meaning it definitely did not suck for the network.
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OMG What Not To Wear makes over Blossom!

You guys know how I feel about Blossom and Mayim Bialik, so it should come a no surprise that I was super-stoked when I heard she was going to be on the season premiere of What Not To Wear. She seemed super-cool about the whole thing, and while it seemed difficult to her, she didn’t cry — which is good, because I do not think I would have been able to HANDLE THAT.

Mayim Bialik talks about Jews and Mormons on Chelsea Lately

As an extra bonus, here is Mayim on Chelsea Lately. She’s on to promote her WNTW appearance and talk about being a Super Jew. Interesting fact: She does not wear pants. I run hot and cold on Chelsea Handler, but this entire interview is pretty hilarious, and I want Mayim Bialik to do more acting RIGHT NOW. So somebody, please make that happen. Thanks!

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Since this column is dedicated to highlighting my favorite moments on television from the past week, why not bring it out of hiatus when everything is ending? Sounds like an awesome idea, right? In any case, this really was a great week in television. I found myself being blown away time and time again by season finales. Just Thursday night alone, with 30 Rock, The Office and Parks and Recreation could pretty much be a column onto itself. So let’s get started.

House is not okay on House

Maybe it’s because I missed the last couple of episodes leading up to the season finale, but wow. I did not see this ending coming. Sure, I thought it was a little weird that the love of a good woman was all it took to get House off of Vicodin, but what do I know about addiction? I pretty  much spent the last five minutes of this episode with my jaw on the floor.

(Sorry for the crappy video, but this is all I could find since Hulu doesn’t post House episodes until eight days after they air).

Rose and Bernard return on Lost

I’ve already written about how much this scene rocks my socks off, so all I will say now is this: Kudos to Darlton for giving such a satisfying wrap-up to the storyline of these two beloved characters. It was short; it was simple; it was lovely.

Leslie and Mark get down to business on Parks and Recreation

Parks and Recreation has gotten better every single episode. I’m really disappointed in the fact that this week’s was the season finale — I really want to see more of these people. I love the fact that Leslie is becoming more than a one-dimensional character, and I’m especially glad that the writers had her and Mark kiss so early on. The story between them definitely isn’t over, but at least it won’t be dragged out for years before anything happens.

Michael gains perspective on The Office

The evolution of Michael Scott is one of the things that the writers of The Office have done best. As funny as it is when he eats an entire pot pie and falls asleep at his desk for hours, it’s also nice to see him acting like an honest-to-goodness grownup. The way he handled his encounter with Holly, who quite honestly probably is his soul mate, was unbelievably mature and touching. I know Jim and Pam had the big news on this episode, but this was my favorite scene of all.

Rhett Miller guest stars on 30 Rock

Sure, there may have been more high-profile guest stars on the 30 Rock finale (Mary J. Blige and Sheryl Crow spring to mind), and he may not have had any actual lines, but I squealed with delight as soon as I saw Rhett Miller on the stage singing about kidneys (he’s the guy on the top left in the blue jacket). Miller is one of my favorite solo artists and is the lead singer of my very favorite band, Old 97s. This basically made my week.

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“The enemy has a face, Parkman: it’s you.” — Matt Parkman gets a bomb strapped to his chest on Heroes

Even though the whole “Heroes as Terrorists” storyline makes me think of 24 about three seasons ago, it’s yielded some fun stuff. Case in point: Claire’s mom got to be a badass this episode, and the last five minutes were awesome. Not only did creepy David H. Lawrence show up again, but Matt got a freakin’ bomb strapped to his chest in front of the Capitol Building. Less time travel; more bombs strapped to peoples chests. Now that’s a recipe for success. I’m glad Heroes finally gets that.

“Bud Light Lime is so refreshing!” — Justin Timberlake as Michael McDonald lies to us on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.

I’ve got to say that even though I had said I was going to give Jimmy Fallon a chance, I didn’t have high hopes for Late Night. However, I’ve watched him this week, and I like it. I’ve already talked about how “Slow-Jamming the News” cracked me up, but I would be remiss if I didn’t mention another favorite part of Fallon’s first episode: Justin Timberlake’s Michael McDonald impression. That never fails to make me giggle.

“Texas forever.”– Jason Street leaves us on  Friday Night Lights.

Come on, man. They made Riggins cry this week. Riggins! Crying! I loved the way they handled Jason Streets sendoff on the show. His storyline has come to a natural conclusion, so it’s only right that he moves on to bigger and better things. This scene between Street and Riggins is one of the best scenes in FNL’s history.

“Now, uh, don’t be alarmed. The Rock Obama much like Barack Obama, only stronger and more impulsive.” Dwayne Johnson rocks the White House on Saturday Night Live

First off, I love puns, the stupider the better, and “The Rock Obama” is a pretty good one. I’ve often watched the real Obama on TV and have found myself yelling at him to just get mad already, so I can definitely identify. But what really makes this sketch for me is the fact that Dwayne Johnson doesn’t do a half-bad Obama impression. Plus, they made his ears stick out, which is just funny.

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• Things that didn’t suck this week -Talk, talk, talkity-talk

“Marshall’s getting ready to read a big ol’ magazine in the bathroom you share with him!” –Spencer Pratt taunts Marshall from the cover of a magazine on How I Met Your Mother.

The subplot on this week’s HIMYM of Marshall not being able to poop at work wasn’t really all that funny to me. However, I want to commend the writers for finding an interesting way to work in guest stars. Ever since Britney Spears came on the show to drum up ratings, people have grown increasingly cynical regarding HIMYM’s guest stars. So when the news broke that reality TV villains Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt were going to guest star, no one thought it was a good idea. However, having the pair along with Kim Kardashian appear on the medium in which they are the most comfortable — magazine covers — made for a couple of creative and funny scenes.

“And I slammed her head into the railing over and over and over again!” — a crazed teen recounts a ferry murder on Law & Order: SVU

This week’s episode of SVU was insane. A girl at an elite private school for gifted students went completely off the rails and brutally murdered her roommate on a ferry. The guest star who played the murdering teen, Sarah Hyland, terrified me. She was practically vibrating the entire episode and was just all around nuts. The best part, toward the end of the clip below, is when she confesses. Benson and Stabler’s reaction shots say it all: Bitch is crazy.

“That is stupid. I will use a sword and I will cut off your bare hands.” Dwight and Andy go over the terms of their upcoming duel on The Office.

Office fans have been waiting for this moment since last season. Angela has been cheating on Andy with Dwight for pretty much their entire relationship. First no one knew, then Phyllis did, then, during the Christmas party, everyone in the office found out about Dwight and Angela’s affair; everyone except for Andy. Now, finally, even he knows about it. So he and Dwight settle by having a duel — as men do. And by “men,” I of course mean Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr.

“We need to get a workout before breakfast.” — Riggins and Lyla aren’t going to the gym on Friday Night Lights.

I don’t have DirecTV, so to me, Friday’s episode of Friday Night Lights was the season premiere. I’ve missed the Dillon Panthers, and I’m excited for them to come back (if only for 13 episodes). A lot has changed in Dillon over the summer, including the fact that Lyla and Riggins are together! For real; as in, they’re an actual couple. It will of course end badly, but I am nevertheless intrigued to see it go down.

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Okay boys and girls, let’s sit down and have a conversation about something. I’ve already talked about my immense dislike of potheads, but that’s really only a subset of my greater enemy: dirty hippies. I started my post-holiday TV viewing with possibly the greatest episode of 20/20 in the history of the world. Between the women who raise dolls as real children, women who breastfeed their kids until puberty and the aforementioned dirty hippies who have orgasmic births in hot tubs, it was chock-full of trainwrecky goodness. Check out the orgasmic birth clip after the jump: after watching these people have their “perfect” outdoor childbirths, I am only more thankful for my clean, sterile hospital filled with trained medical staff. Thanks, NYU Medical Center! You didn’t give me an orgasm, but I am more than okay with that. It would have made the morning after really weird.

“You seem to be telling the truth … but you’re a very clever, unprincipled narcissist in a desperate corner.” — Jane strikes a deal with the devil on The Mentalist.

I really liked The Mentalist in the beginning, mainly because I’m a sucker for police procedurals. However, more and more, I’m looking for procedurals with some sort of twist. The Mentalist seemed to fit the bill with its Red John storyline. It gives the show an over-arching mystery to go along with the police work — except they kind of dumped it after the first few episodes. Sure, it’s been mentioned here and there, but this week’s episode was the first one in a while in which the Red John mystery was front and center. It made me remember why I liked this show so much in the first place.

“Super-sonic, idiotic, disrespected, not connected….” — Kenneth raps on 30 Rock.

I really feel like we haven’t had enough Kenneth this season on 30 Rock. He’s a main reason I started watching the show in the first place, and I kind of miss the little guy. Luckily, his brief stint as a fill-in warm-up comedian for TGS featured a rap from Teen Witch, which filled me with joy. Hopefully the regular warm-up comedian suffered from a fatal overdose so Kenneth can get the job. Am I right, or am I right? Uh … anyone?

“You wanna know how I met your mother?” — Neil Patrick Harris gets heckled on SNL.

Dude. Everyone at CliqueClack has been so excited about Neil Patrick Harris hosting SNL, and he did not disappoint. While he was great in all of his sketches, I have to say I laughed the hardest when Neil was just being Neil … and Andy Samberg was just being Mark Wahlberg. The opening monologue cracked me up. NPH’s poor little girlfriend!

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“All I need is a healthy ovum and I can grow my own Leonard Nimoy!” –Sheldon gets the perfect gift on The Big Bang Theory

There were a couple of episodes in a row of The Big Bang Theory that really underwhelmed me. They were just kind of awkward and didn’t completely work. I didn’t understand exactly what was going on, but now I do. They were simply saving it all up for this episode. Not only was the episode probably the best episode of this show that I’ve ever seen, but the end, in which Penny gives Sheldon a signed napkin used by Leonard Nimoy, is one of my favorite TV moments of the year. Leonard’s unabashed, twitchy joy at getting the best present ever, and his cry of, “it’s not enough!” when he gives her hundreds of dollars worth of bath items still cracks me up, even after watching it half a dozen times.

“What? I can celebrate Hanukkah too.” — Barney sings some original holiday songs on How I Met Your Mother.

Hey, remember when CBS was the network for the olds? Who would have guessed that just a few short years later, its flagship show would be murder porn extravaganza, CSI, and that a sitcom character would be singing a song about getting his friend’s little sister down on all fours. CBS clearly knows what the public wants, and that’s why they’re number one. Barney’s holiday songs are disgustingly hilarious and serve as an excellent reminder of just how Neil Patrick Harris makes everything so much better.

“I don’t touch anything on this property without gloves.” Greg gets a helpful tip on Secret Millionaire.

I had seen some promos for Secret Millionaire, but hadn’t paid too much attention to them. I’ve got a pretty full plate, TV wise, so I don’t have a lot of time for random FOX reality shows. However, Shaun, from TVtalkradio kept on talking it up, so this week, when what I normally watch was in reruns, I was able to catch the season finale. Basically, the show takes a millionaire, has him or her live in poverty for a week and then take some of their own money and gives it to deserving members of the community. This has to be the cheapest show in the world for FOX to make. It’s actually pretty good. At first, I was watching it and I thought the guy had to choose only one deserving person to give the money to, which I thought was kind of exploitative and mean, but it turns out that he can divvy up his money between everybody. The show is pretty decent, which is why I don’t really understand why FOX kind of threw it away by airing two episodes a week — I just discovered it, and now it’s over. It seems that they would have been served well by stretching it out during the time when most other shows are in repeats.

“I wouldn’t say ‘never.’” –Ned tells Olive what she’s been longing to hear on Pushing Daisies.

Ned and Chuck have been such a foregone conclusion that writers have barely bothered to pull the “will they or won’t they” thing. So where, exactly does that leave poor Olive Snook? The bright, itty bitty ray of sunshine carries a torch for Ned as big as she is, but gets nothing in return. It’s kind of sad, because if Chuck weren’t in the picture, there’s no reason why Olive and Ned couldn’t be perfectly happy together. In this week’s episode (around the two-minute mark in the video), Ned finally acknowledges that, on some level, he shares Olive’s feelings.

“Crews. Are you there?” — Reese checks to see if Crews is okay on Life.

This episode has gotten me into a lot of trouble on this site, so I figured, hell. Why not show the video again? It’s still a good episode. After accidentally shooting his father in the leg, Crews gets shot in the chest by an unknown assailant who rang his doorbell. After he gets shot, he has a dream in which he’s back in his jail cell and Tims, who Charlie killed, is there to commiserate about how much getting shot in the chest sucks. It begs a lot of questions: Who shot Charlie? Why? Why did Tims come to him in his dream? Is there any significance in the fact that what Reese said when Charlie got shot is the same line she said when they found the dead Russians? I guess we have to wait until February to find out.

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I just remembered gravity… and the squishiness of all my manly bits. – Leverage premieres on TNT

So I don’t know why, but when I saw all of the commercials for Leverage, I wasn’t interested at all. I think it may have been the ads themselves: After seeing them practically every day, I still couldn’t tell you what the show was about. Maybe it was Timothy Hutton that I found off-putting, since he looks like a battered wife. I’m not sure what’s actually happened to him, but he looks like someone beat the crap out of his face and he’s wearing makeup to cover the bruises, but the swelling is still there, and you notice, but you don’t want to say anything because you don’t know what the actual deal is, and, well anyway, I heard good things about the show, so I checked it out. It’s pretty good.

“I love you.” “Well that’s too bad.” – Blair doesn’t get the reaction she’s hoping for on Gossip Girl.

I’m pretty sure I’ve said it before, but Chuck and Blair are the reason I keep on watching Gossip Girl every week. What fascinates me about them is that they have such an atypical relationship for a teen drama. Dan and Serena, well that’s just Seth and Summer all over again. But Chuck and Blair? That’s a whole different, very evil breed of high school relationship. Despite all of their scheming and backstabbing, the two of them really love each other. Even though they can’t be together, they can still be there for each other, as we saw when Chuck’s father died on this week’s episode.

“I love you mother, and I don’t want you to die.” – Jack makes up with his mother on a 30 Rock Christmas.

I love when TV shows do Christmas episodes, and 30 Rock’s was no exception. Sure, it was pretty great when Liz told those kids that there wasn’t a Santa Claus (seriously, they looked way to old to still be believing in him anyway), but my favorite part had to be singing Christmas carols at the end. I’m not going to lie: I kind of have a crush on Alec Baldwin, and I thought he was absolutely adorable when he was watching Jenna sing looking like the Drunk of Christmas Past–and then he sang! It was all pretty great.

“Governor Patterson, you’re in the shot.” – Amy Poehler tries to say goodbye on Saturday Night Live.

Well, this last one is different because the event actually did suck. I love Amy Poehler. I’ve thought she was great since the Upright Citizens Brigade had their own show on Comedy Central. She’s hands-down the funniest woman on SNL right now, (yeah, I said it, Kristen Wiig fans. Suck it.) and I’m really sorry to see her go. I’d be sadder if she didn’t have her “not an Office spinoff” show premiering soon, but SNL will be sadder without her.

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I’ve missed Frances Conroy and sad Ruth Fisher since the end of Six Feet Under, so I was excited when she turned up on Desperate Housewives for a multi-episode arc as a crazy old rich lady. Virginia Hildebrand is the kind of desperately lonely person that you feel sorry for, but completely hate at the same time. She makes me uncomfortable, but is still eminently entertaining.

(The good stuff starts around the 5:30 mark)

“Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock!”– Sheldon solves problems on The Big Bang Theory.

We all know that sometimes Rock-Paper-Scissors just isn’t going to settle a dispute. Luckily, Sheldon Cooper’s brain is bigger than ours, so he can give us a game that will solve all conflicts. It’s so effective, in fact, that most of the time, the mere threat of Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock is enough to get what you want.

“I’m the boss, Lemon; you count.” –Muppet Jack Donaghy delegates on Sesame Street.

Sesame Street has officially become awesome. Not only do they have celebrity guest stars like Jon Stewart and Neil Patrick Harris, but now they’re doing Muppet versions of shows like 30 Rock. What’s great about this is that the timing is so dead on, that you can almost believe that Tina Fey was behind this.

“This is the last time! I have a life too, you know!”–Oscar loses his shit on The Office webisodes.

Not only is it great that we’re getting another batch of The Office webisodes, but they center around Oscar. Even better is the fact that they center around an angry Oscar, which is something we do not see nearly enough of. Angry Oscar is kind of scary, and pretty awesome. There are three more webisodes after this. I’ve seen them, and Oscar only gets angrier. It’s pretty amazing.

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FX/Prashant Gupta

“I don’t know what that means.” – Shane tries to figure out how to rob a safe on The Shield

Unlike most dramas, The Shield doesn’t really give you a whole lot of relief from the tension. Watching an episode is kind of like being punched over and over again. So after seven seasons, it was nice to see a little levity. When Mara gave Shane the combination to the safe at her real estate office so he could steal some cashier’s checks, it seemed like an easy in and out for a guy like Shane. However, it turned out to be anything but when Shane couldn’t figure out exactly how the safe worked.

This probably wouldn’t have been so funny if it had been on any other show, but within the context of the hard-boiled world of The Shield, watching the utter confusion on Shane’s face was hilarious.

(It starts at about 3:20 in the clip).

“By Tuesday, I could describe you in Dutch.” – Crews goes shopping on Black Friday on Life

I really like how Crews and Reese have gotten more comfortable with each other this season. They’re getting comfortable as partners and Reese is more accommodating toward Crews’s oddball behavior. This hyper monologue that he gives about everything that he learned shopping on Black Friday is typical Crews, but the fact that Reese humors him for as long as she does somehow makes him talking about how he shouldn’t wash his face with soap even funnier.

“‘Soaking up’ is what you do immediately after ’saddlebagging.’” Dan Savage explains the finer points of gay culture on The Colbert Report

It’s not often that Stephen Colbert loses control of an interview, but that’s exactly what happened when he invited Dan Savage onto The Colbert Report to discuss Proposition 8, California’s anti-gay marriage amendment that just passed.

Between taking comfort in the fact that the majority of people who voted for Prop. 8 are going to die soon, soaking up extra Mormon sons, and talking about the one or two black men who have kept him down, Dan Savage literally causes Colbert to hide behind his notecards.

“Step one: you cut a hole in the turkey…” – Justin Timberlake drops by Weekend Update on SNL

I have to mostly agree with Bob Degon when he said that this week’s SNL wasn’t very good. Maybe they were just tired of politics, but the whole thing was rather lacking. One thing that had me genuinely laughing out loud, however, was Justin Timberlake on Weekend Update. Yes, as Bob said, it was self-serving on Timberlake’s part, but come on. That’s who Justin Timberlake is — he’s kind of douchey like that.

However, the guy does have a sense of humor and I’ve got to say, does some pretty good impressions. I was impressed with his Don Pardo; giggled when he talked about putting on a tiny hat for his performance, but it was his Michael McDonald impression at the end, that for some reason, completely cracked me up.

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“I could have had you in my life forever, if I wanted to.” Peggy tells Pete she’s not perfect on Mad Men

How awesome is Elisabeth Moss? When I’m watching Mad Men, I’m often distracted by the utter hotness of Jon Hamm as Don Draper, but damn, Peggy Olson is a great character. Along with her genteel ambition and mousy exterior, there’s a quiet desperation that runs under everything she says and does. It’s the yearning that I notice the most when I watch Moss play Peggy, but the scene in last Sunday’s season finale in which she finally tells Pete exactly what the result of their affair was, she reveals a strength that is pretty damn impressive.

“Kathy, you know my lover, Liz.” Jack and Liz pull a Soap Opera on 30 Rock

Thank God 30 Rock is back. I’ve felt as though I were missing a limb. Everyone in that cast is amazing, but it’s the interactions between Jack and Liz that keep me coming back for every episode. Watching the two of them pretending to be lovers is a great way to acknowledge the sexual tension that is between Jack and Liz, but that Tina Fey says the show will never explore. Watching them almost kiss was equal parts exciting and horrifying — but more importantly, it was hilarious.

“So… how’d you get interested in acting?” Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman share a big heaping cup of awkward on Jimmy Kimmel Live.

I really don’t think Sarah Silverman is all that funny, and I’m totally indifferent towards Jimmy Kimmel (although I have heard that he’s a really nice guy). However, for some reason, I find myself completely invested in their relationship. It’s stupid, but I was really kind of sad when they broke up. I just want those two crazy kids to work it out! Also, I may be reading into things a bit much, but I think Silverman’s choice of words when she asked Jimmy if he had kissed anyone else “when we were split” is very telling.

“Hey idiots! I’m fuckin’ talkin’ to you!” Regis Philbin frightens the audience on Live with Regis and Kelly

Guys, I love Regis Philbin. What can I say? I just have a thing for cranky old men. Anyway, Friday was Regis and Kelly’s annual Halloween extravaganza, in which the hosts dressed in over a dozen costumes over the course of the show. One of the people he dressed as was Hell’s Kitchen and Kitchen Nightmares host, Gordon Ramsay. Now, while most people would have tried to at least attempt Ramsay’s British accent, Reege is a hundred years old and cannot be bothered. Instead, he used it as an opportunity to unleash all of his old man rage and unleash a string of f-bombs on an unsuspecting audience. It was delightfully terrifying.

“This sir, is a genocide. A feline genocide!” Ben Affleck hosts Saturday Night Live

Ben Affleck gets a lot of guff. I don’t know exactly when or why it happened, but sometime around the beginning of the new millennium, the country seemed to collectively decide he was a douchebag. I have always disagreed. So has Lorne Michael, apparently, as he chose Affleck to host the last SNL before the election– an episode in which Presidential nominee John McCain appeared, no less. Affleck didn’t even have anything to promote! He was just there!

The fact is, he makes a good host. Unlike most people who come on and awkwardly read lines off of cue cards, Affleck does characters. Producers even trust him to do impressions, and his Keith Olbermann one? Amazing.

Oh, by the way: I don’t care what your political affiliation is, members of the SNL audience, but booing John McCain when he comes on the show to do Weekend Update makes you a dick.

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