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The Vampire Diaries’ very, very slow burn to … nothing?

vampire diaries paul wesley ian somerhalder

“Not bad — have you been eating bunnies?” – Damon to Stefan when he super-jumps onto roof of building

So I’m hoping that’s not the case, but I’m almost sure The Vampire Diaries doesn’t have to be as boring as it is to build up some storyline. I know there are going to be rabid fans of this show, but I’m just not sure I’m going to be one of them.

So let’s have a little fun at the expense of this new teen sensation, shall we?

I’ll start with pointing out the apparent requisite vamp uniform. Did you notice that Paul Wesley and Ian Somerhalder apparently share the same wardrobe closet on set? I’m thinking they may also share with Mikhail Baryshnikov too, because those tight black T-shirts are right out of White Nights.

So far, Paul Wesley has shown us that he’s mastered the angry stare. I’d really like to see him react differently to Damon at some point in the series, because a testicle-less vampire is really unappealing. Although Damon definitely has the best lines and I enjoy his scenes the most, he’s just another two-dimensional character in a cast of life-sized celebrity cardboard cutouts.

“We met, and we talked, and it was epic,” says Elena to Stefan. OK, am I just too old to watch this, or was that lameness incarnate? No, in fact, lameness incarnate was when Stefan repeated it to Elena at the end.

You want epic? When the episode cut to commercial break just following Damon biting Vicki, the first line of the ad was, “How have you been satisfying your cravings lately?” Now that was epic.

I’m not giving up yet, but if they aren’t going somewhere fast with this meandering love story that disguises itself in a Buffy-colored cloak, I’m done.

And I leave you with Heat Miser:

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Photo Credit: The CW

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