“I agree with Wilson; this guy’s Harry Potter. The sorting hat was going to put Harry in Slytherin based on his nature. He refused, so he ended up in Gryffindor. Through choice.” – Kutner, on patient of the week

House: “Why do you think the world will end in chaos and destruction if you’re not there to save it?”
Wilson: “Because when my parents put me in the rocket and sent me here they said, ‘James, you will grow to manhood under a yellow sun.’”

Big Bang Theory

Leonard: “Well, it seems once again you’re caught between a rock and a crazy place.”
Sheldon: “Oh, I hate when that happens.”

“Normally, around women he has the personality of a boiled potato. Put one beer in him, and he has the personality of M. Knight Charmalarmalon.” — Wolowitz

Jorge: “I picked it because I think it fitted my voice a little better than most songs … I wasn’t going to sing ‘Bad’ by Michael Jackson.”
Simon: “Well, you sort of did.”

“It’s fine being artistic — just not on this show.” — Simon.

Cartman: “Statistically speaking, the most bacteria-ridden place on the planet is the mouth of an American woman, and you’re gonna let that near your penis?”

Kenny: “Yeph! Mwuoohoo!”

Swinger woman: “Tom Cruise? That’s the name of a man who likes to take
charge. So what are you about?”
Sam: “Me? I’m about, uh, risky business, with the color of money and a
few good men.”
Swinger woman: “… Oh really, I’m sorry. Not my cuppa meat.”
Sam: “No … I didn’t mean … I’ve got all the right moves!”

Passing out and swearing on St. Patrick’s Day? Isn’t anything sacred? – Jack to Jenna and Tracy

Cerie: “You told me to be more proactive.”

Liz: “No. I told you to buy more Proactiv.”

“I do want credit without any of the blame.” –Michael

“I don’t like getting advice from more than one person at a time. I’m a textbook over-thinker.” — Kevin

“You can’t let a girl feel good about herself; it will backfire on you. Every compliment has to be backhanded: ‘Oh, I like your dress — but I’d like it more if you had prettier hair.’” — Andy

“Look, I’m going to ask you something, and I want you to be honest: What is a pallet?” — Michael

“I am just a net that traps all of your crappy subconscious ideas and adds a little bit of my own childhood memories and whimsy, so…” — Michael

“Well you know what, Jim? It is not my fault that you bought a house to impress Pam. That is why carnations exist.” — Michael

Michael: “Why do you keep a diary?”
Dwight: “To keep secrets from my computer.”